Do you ever think--I hate you!


#1

Something is going on in my head lately. I’ve been married for 25 years this year–and recently my husband and I have encountered a very serious roadblock that I am not sure how we will work through it. This has led to alot of frustration and swallowed words, just to try to keep from arguing in front of our children.

We’ve tried many times to talk through this–and I’ve even spoken to my priest. Frankly, I cannot understand why he does not understand my point of view in this matter.

As I result I catch myself thinking very frightening and hateful thoughts about him. When the thought comes into my head–I can feel a change come over my body. My muscles tense up, my teeth clench so hard my jaw hurts and my fists clench. And for the first time ever, I actually feel as though I DO hate him…and I am deeply troubled.

Of course we have had troubled times in our marriage and yet, I always had a sense that we would work our way through eventually. I don’t have that sense of hope about this issue. We are both practicing Catholics–although I haven’t been to communion in a while…because of these very feelings.

So, I’m not sure that going into detail of what our issue is will be helpful—since I don’t need validation or support over who is right or wrong—what I am asking for is—how do you deal with an anger that is so deep that makes me feel pure rage towards my husband?

Thank you for listening,
Seeker


#2

I don’t have any big advice to give, but maybe you could start with small steps. Controlling bad thoughts includes, not only suppressing negativity, but transforming the bad thoughts into good thoughts.

Next time you feel the anger, stop for a moment, take three-four very deep breaths. This is Devil attacking your soul. You want to make him go away. So, by taking a few deep breaths you will calm your body. Then say out loud, a verse from the Bible or a quote, something like “Satan, go away. My soul belongs to God who is pure love.” It is important to say these words and not just think them.
Many people would say that this is psychological ****, but trust me, it works. It takes time, but if you are persistent, your anger will go away and then you will find strength to cope with your problems. As long as the negative stuff piles up inside you, it steals the space for the good things the Lord has to give you and you don’t want that, right? :thumbsup:

Another thing you should do is take some time every day to pray, not just everyday prayers but to praise the Lord and thank Him. Take a couple of minutes, try to calm down and start thanking God for the good things in your life. Something like: "OK, Lord, now I am here with you and have a couple of minutes to celebrate your love and mercy. Thank you for the beautiful weather today. Thank you for the nice cup of coffee I had this morning. Thank you for my beautiful daughter… etc.
At first it may be hard to find things to be grateful for, but once you start thanking Him for the good, you will begin to notice the good stuff when they happen and you will appreciate them more. Right now, your marriage is not the place where you can find strength and comfort, but you can find them in simple everyday life and then, one step at a time, pour them into your relationship with your husband.

And the last, but the most important :smiley: , make peace with God. Talk to a priest, confess your sins, your anger especially, and ask your priest to come to your home one day and pray with your family. It doesn’t have to be a long prayer, if he is busy or something. And then continue to pray together. At first, always pray prayers like Our Father, or The Rosary etc…but after a couple of days-weeks, when you relax and start feeling comfortable praying together, include spontaneous prayers.

Wow, I thought this would be a short post, but it turned to be the longest I have ever wrote :smiley: please read it, it is not easy for me to write this amount of text in english!
:thumbsup:

I will :gopray2: for you.


#3

**Well…another Tennessean! I might just be able to have you over for coffee/tea and settle this matter in my living room. :wink: Sorry, I just don’t see many persons from Tennessee on here. Nice to meet you! :slight_smile: **

You might think you hate, you might get so angry inside that you feel that you hate, but you might still not truly want to hate. Does that make sense?

I have never felt that I hated my husband. But I have been angry at him. I have had thoughts of “what on earth brought us to marriage…we are so DIFFERENT. We have nothing in common.” But, then I have been to many years of therapy and have learned to distinguish the feeling of hate vs. just heated/strong anger.

There is a difference. Hate is something very vicious, very cruel, a force of the enemy (satan.) Anger (even strong anger) can be thought, felt, and come out in actions. So long as it is only thought/felt it remains just that a thought a feeling. Anger is an emotion, a very empowering emotion. It’s what we choose to do with that emotion that can make or break us. If we use it to constructively argue a noble cause, there’s nothing wrong with it. If we choose instead to use it to lash out at the other, or use it for a silly, or unjust cause, then it is sinful. Remember, even Jesus got angry, but, His was a just anger. Fighting to save a marriage can be a just anger. Fighting to save an innocent person can be a just anger. Just anger is not sinful. It is merely an emotion or feeling.

After I think for a while upon “I wonder what led us to marriage…we are so completely different and have nothing in common” I sit alone for hours and just think. And that helps a great deal. I think about all the things that led us to marriage. About all of the things we DO have in common. About what led me to marry this man in the first place, about all the obsticles we had to conquer to get wher we are now. All the pain and heartbreak, all the wrongs done, and hurt feelings caused. About what it would mean to leave all that behind. To leave behind the frustrations, the sorrows, the struggles, the cross. But, then, also the joys, graces, life long friendship, and blessings. To leave my husband behind, for good, to never see, hear, touch, or be near him again.

Those thoughts chill my spine. They are unbearably cold, dark, lonely, painful, and unthinkable. So, then I think, well if we are such the opposites, and have seemingly nothing in common why am I still here a year and a half later. Why do I still cling to this man, and even love him so much?

**Then I think about only the good. I think about all the good times we’ve had together. The blessings and prayers we’ve shared. The family moments, the intimacy, the love, the friendsip, the joy. **

**I bet if you made a list of all of the good that has happened in your marriage, and one of the bad, that the good would far outweigh the bad. Imagine what your life would be like if you never got to experience one of those things from the “good list” ever again. **

Then there would be so much less to want to hate about, though, I have a feeling that you are only feeling anger, as strong as it might feel, and not hate. I do not see you siding with the enemy here. Hate is truly the most powerful emotion, save love. I think you love much more than you hate. So you are siding with love and Jesus Who is Love itself, and not hate, which is of satan. Remember, even Jesus got angry. Jesus got so angry that he threw all the money collectors out of His Fathers house. Anger is not a sin, its what you do with that anger that makes it sinful.

**I see here anger and love, a very strong love even, and not hate. ****I would be happy to offer you more advice, but I don’t know your situation very well. So it is hard to talior it to you personally. You may PM me if you want to talk more, and I would be happy to help you the best that I can! :slight_smile: **

**Blessings and prayers for you and yours! :slight_smile: **


#4

Hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is.

Where there is emotion, there is still hope.


#5

You say you are a practicing Catholic, so then you know how important recieving The Holy Eucharist is. You say this anger has stopped you from recieving, one way to resolve anger is to pray so you need to go to confession and recieve Communion, Pronto! Nothing like sanctifying Grace to help you!

 Can you talk to your husband and tell him just how angry this is making you and how it is conjering up these hatefull feelings? If you don't think you can do that with just the two of you would he be willing to sit down with perhaps your Priest?

 It is rather difficult not knowing the cicumstances but if that is not viable what about writing him a letter? You do not even have to give it to him but it may be good for you to write down all your anger. 25 yrs is a long time to be married to carry that kind of anger and not be able to some how resolve it, Pray to Our Blessed Mother ask her to intervene for you. You are in my prayers!:gopray2:

#6

I think a Marriage Encounter weekend (or Retrouvaille if you think your marriage is in real trouble) would be very helpful. It will teach you skills to communicate effectively and help you move past this anger.
wwme.org/
retrouvaille.org/

Are you angry because your husband can not see your point of view or because he does not agree with your point of view?


#7

Boy do I understand your problem! I have been there too…more than once. I get angry at my husband for the same reason, because he doesn’t see things from my point of view. And the more I try to “explain” the more he thinks I am preaching, harping, nagging…get the picture? What was suppose to be a suggestion or comment has now become a full-fledged argument. And of course I am not going to let him walk away with the parting comment…because I know I am right! And I am not going to let him forget it! SOOOO…I remember from my teenage years(so very long ago) that the sisters at the high school would remind us that “this too shall pass” and I keep that thought in my head. I pray to the Blessed Virgin to help me “keep all these things in my heart”, as she was able to do on the road to Calvary. (These things being the ugly thoughts I have about my husband and his failure to see things the way I do.) It might certainly be better if I prayed more and spoke less during these times of misunderstanding on both of our parts. I realize that it really isn’t important if I am right or not, because he does not care to listen. It is at this time that I call upon St. Monica and her prayers for her husband. Yes I pray for my husband, not that he eventually see things my way…that is not the answer. I pray that he will stop and also call on Jesus and the saints to help us in difficult times. Oh how wonderful if we ever reached a place in our lives that we could say “Let us pray together about this”, Oh My!
On and on I go, you see my problem? Just remember…You are not perfect, neither is he. But together you make the perfect pair! I keep reminding my husband that if either of us was perfect, we would not be here in this world for each other. We are here together by the grace of God to help each other to become "perfect " in His sight! May God bless both of you. Pray Always!


#8

uncover the source of the anger, its root causes, getting past the peripherals, and deal with it. If the other party refuses to deal, get help myself, identify honestly and work through spiritual, psychological and medical means to change it, with professional help if necessary, and work toward being the person I want to be. It is highly likely that the source of the anger is not based in the marital relationship, but is damaging that relationship.


#9

When you notice negative, complaining thoughts running through your mind, make the conscious decision to stop them. Tell yourself that it’s not true, and then, out loud, tell your husband something positive that you like about him. Your mind says “Oh, you are so stubborn! Why did I marry someone as hard-headed as you?” Then you stop that negative internal tirade and say with your lips, “You are such a great dad!” or “Thank you so much for helping with such-and-such” or whatever.

That is how you overcome the bad thoughts. Now if there is such a serious issue going on that you can’t even receive Jesus, you’re in more trouble than just having to battle negative thoughts! If the reason you’re not going to Communion is the bad thoughts, you need to go to Confession. Are you scrupulous about this?


#10

You know, I’ve been struggling to write responses but none of them make any sense unless I tell you about what is troubling me–please understand I don’t mean this as a public airing of my husband’s faults–just more background information to make things make sense…

Here’s the situation: We live some 600 miles away from my father who is 83. My father lives alone and is mostly capable of taking care of himself and does a good job since mother passed away three years ago. However, he is getting to the point that he could benefit from some guidance and simply more help to get things done around the house. I want to move back to spend the remaining years of my dad’s life with him–I want my youngest son to have more memories of grandpa than just going to visit twice a year for a week. I miss my father more with each passing day and I can’t help but feel that time is literally running out.

He is retired from the military and has a good job that has offices in the same state as my dad–so he could get a job there–infact the company is often asking for help in that state. So, it isn’t like he can’t find work. (one of his arguements for not moving in the past)

I am hurt, sad, frustrated, tired, disappointed etc that he cannot understand why I want to move back and spend these last years with my father—after 20+ years of living away. This is the root of my anger (I think) —that I have lost respect for him that he does not understand how important this is to me—this isn’t like I just have my heart set on buying a new dress/shoes/ car or whatever—this is about respecting a fundamental part of who I am. A daughter who is feeling called to go back home and care for my aging father. Nothing more.

I haven’t been to communion because I haven’t gone to confession—I am not sorry for being angry and I know I will get angry again. Everytime we discuss this I will get angry because I know his response will be the same.

Thank you all for the great responses. I’m glad that I posted here the other night, this has been bothering me for several months and I appreciate the time you all took to write such great responses. Please know that I am considering all of your words to me. Thank you


#11

Seeker, I can understand your frustration and concern, but I think perhaps your husband is seeing you as putting your father ahead of him in this desire to be closer to your dad. Is this truly the only workable solution? Could your dad not move closer to you, especially since he - and not your husband - is the one who is retired? I realize it can be very difficult for an elderly person to move away from what he or she has known for many years, but with prayer and perseverence you may be able to convince him that this is the best for him - and for you and your husband.


#12

Have you been praying and fasting for him?


#13

I can understand your “calling” but I beleive a calling of that magnitude needs to be a family calling not just an individual calling.

If your husband is typically a selfish and self-centered person then you have other issues in your marriage besides this one. However if he is ordinarily a pretty decent man and good father then I beleive you may want to take a step back. Just about everyone I know would be resistant to uprooting their job, family and home. His feelings are probably pretty normal.

What if my husband decided he felt the “calling” for us to join the missions in Africa? Families have done this and it is a noble thing to do. However, my feelings and what is best for my children and my family would need to be taken into consideration. What if I felt the “calling” to adopt a child but my husband did not? Would that give me the right to mistreat him? I know these examples are drastic compared to yours but I hope you understand my point.

Would your father be able to move closer to you? This was done for many many years in this nation! All the stories I heard though were of the grandparents moving in with their children…not the children moving to be with the parents.

I feel bad for you because I can just hear the pain in your words as you wrote your post. You sound sad, homesick and lonely. Especially since your mother recently passed the emotions are probably intensified. Talk to a priest about this and see what he has to say. I will pray for you.


#14

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