Do you have a family member who is a molester or sexual predator?


#1

There is no question about the predatory tendencies of this family member.
He's done his time and is registered with the state as required by law.

My questions have to do with practical matters like allowing him into the family without endangering vulnerable persons. How do you tell a child they can not be with Uncle X or Cousin X without scaring them? How do you not scare them if every time he gets near a person you need to protect, they see you take him away?

He's gotten facebook and you tube pages.:eek: I have contacted facebook and reported that he was a registered SO. He still has his pages and a number of friends I don't recognize as adult family members.

There are a lot of predators out there. Since they weren't hatched, there must be some family out there too who have some solutions.:shrug:


#2

You want advice on how to peacefully allow a child rapist to interact with your family? Are you serious?

God can forgive him if he asks. Humans should avoid him and ostracize him. He shouldn’t be allowed at any family gatherings, and you shouldn’t associate with any family members sick enough to associate with him.

What you tell little children is we don’t see Uncle X because he hurts children. When they get older, you have to just put on your big girl/boy undies and tell them the truth. Like, age 8-10 is old enough. Don’t protect your kids from truth and real life or they will never learn how to deal with it. If it comes to avoiding other family members because they associate with him, then you have to tell your kids, we can’t go to Aunt Y’s house because she lets Uncle X the child molester come over, and we have to protect you from him and people who think it’s okay to have him around.

It’s just that simple. Live in the truth and deal with it.

My geat uncle was a molester priest. Everyone in the family remembers his mother with a green face and a feeling like they are going to puke, because she knew exactly what he was, but protected and supported him his whole life, left all her property to him and screwed her other kids. She was toxic. People who cater to child molesters are toxic. You wouldn’t have lead paint around your kids… this is the same thing.


#3

We’re lucky that our relative lives far from any family member and had already pretty much separated himself from the family before his name surfaced in an investigation and he subsequently pleaded guilty to multiple charges of abuse of children under his care.

Our children were in their late teens so nothing was hidden from them. They didn’t really know him so I’m not sure it affected them much. We were shocked when a few years later our daughter invited him to her wedding. We were even more shocked when he showed up. Let me tell you that I watched him like a hawk. I had a conversation with him but his presence put a damper on DH’s and my day. He’s DH’s only sibling.


#4

I would tell my daughter in no uncertain terms that I was disgusted with her if she did this.


#5

Nope...


#6

I do have two members of my family that are/were pedophiles, a married couple. One is deceased and under no circumstances do we have any contact with the other. I was not about to put my daughter in any situation that brought her in the proximity of this family member.


#7

I wouldn't invite the molestor to any family gatherings. If his immediate family want to see him, they can make one-on-one visits at their discretion. Under no circumstances should a sexual predator be introduced to your children. The children a predator meets at a family gathering are potentially his next targets. And the presence of the predator at a family gathering gives the message to children that Uncle X or Cousin X is an okay person to be around. This makes them vulnerable. You need to avoid these people like the plague. Unfortunately, child molestors are difficult to rehabilitate, and they have a high likelihood of repeat offenses.

Yes, molestors/rapists can be forgiven by God. And their victims are sometimes able to heal and forgive them, too. But that doesn't mean that we should throw caution to the wind and allow them to get to know our children.
I say this very strongly, because I am related to a couple of people who were involved in childhood incest. Even though the older boy was yet a child when the incest began, the depraved relationship continued well into the teens, and even today, he will not admit the full extent of his interactions with his younger sister. Neither will she, for that matter, probably out of fear and shame. I have allowed her to meet and interact with my children, but never alone. But he has never been allowed to do so, even though we stay in touch on the phone and through facebook. In situations where an adult abused a child, I would be even more vigilant and opposed to even introducing them.


#8

I wasn’t disgusted with her, I understood her need to have the only living direct relative on her dad’s side present at that occasion. I don’t think she ever knew the extent of his crime since she was living away from home when all this came to light and other than telling her he’d been charged and had pleaded guilty (after denying it for almost a year) this wasn’t discussed.

We only found out what he had actually done by going online and reading the newspaper that reported the court proceedings. Even his “significant other” didn’t find out until she read the same paper and I’m sure she was shocked by his guilty plea for she would have realized that when he took up with her she had two young boys around the same age as those he was charged with abusing.


#9

[quote="Antegin, post:1, topic:210802"]
How do you tell a child they can not be with Uncle X or Cousin X without scaring them? How do you not scare them if every time he gets near a person you need to protect, they see you take him away?

[/quote]

They should be scared of him. You don't want your children becoming comfortable around this guy.

Peace

Tim


#10

I don’t care what the excuse was. She knew he was an admitted and convicted child molester, and she wanted him there. Once again, feelings trump substance. She wanted the pretty picture for her wedding day, and chose to invite a child rapist to get it. That is disgusting. If your only living relative is a soul-murdering demon, then you just decide to be an orphan. Child molesters are impervious to rehabilitation, there is no way to diminish risk except to never have them around. Is she going to invite this guy to her kids’ baptisms, too? How about their First Communion, when they are likely to be right in his preferred age range? I mean, wouldn’t want to exclude the only living relative on her father’s side, now would she? puke


#11

[quote="Phemie, post:8, topic:210802"]
I wasn't disgusted with her, I understood her need to have the only living direct relative on her dad's side present at that occasion. I don't think she ever knew the extent of his crime since she was living away from home when all this came to light and other than telling her he'd been charged and had pleaded guilty (after denying it for almost a year) this wasn't discussed.

We only found out what he had actually done by going online and reading the newspaper that reported the court proceedings. Even his "significant other" didn't find out until she read the same paper and I'm sure she was shocked by his guilty plea for she would have realized that when he took up with her she had two young boys around the same age as those he was charged with abusing.

[/quote]

Somebody should have informed her in great detail, as soon as it was known she had invited him. And then somebody needed to uninvite him immediately. There is no justification for inviting him to such a public event. If I had been another guest at the wedding, I would have been very offended, especially if my children were included on the invite.


#12

[quote="Zeemeermin, post:10, topic:210802"]
I don't care what the excuse was. She knew he was an admitted and convicted child molester, and she wanted him there. Once again, feelings trump substance. She wanted the pretty picture for her wedding day, and chose to invite a child rapist to get it. That is disgusting. If your only living relative is a soul-murdering demon, then you just decide to be an orphan. Child molesters are impervious to rehabilitation, there is no way to diminish risk except to never have them around. Is she going to invite this guy to her kids' baptisms, too? How about their First Communion, when they are likely to be right in his preferred age range? I mean, wouldn't want to exclude the only living relative on her father's side, now would she? puke

[/quote]

Perhaps she believes in forgiveness? That would be substance trumping feelings.

Anyway, the point is moot since he's made it pretty clear in the last 4 years that he isn't really interested in being part of the family so I doubt there will be any more 'family functions' which he attends.


#13

If you haven't done it already, I would highly recommend that you watch and get into discussions of the materials the Church has for preventing the sexual abuse of minors. You will learn a great deal about what to look for in order to keep your child safe with all adults, not just the few you know to be a danger, and without making your children or yourself into paranoids. Don't just watch the stuff intended for parents. Take the training intended for adult volunteers, too. I'm a volunteer catechist, and I've learned a lot.

Free training on how to recognize and deny predators the opportunities they need to perpertrate their crimes and how to give help our children avoid being victims without ruining their innocence is the best thing to have come out of this whole horrific mess. Don't miss it. Take advantage of it.

It would not hurt if all the adults in your family learned the rules that catechists all have to follow now. They are intended to a) deny predators access to children, both by educating adults about what opportunites are needs and educating kids about their right to say "no" and to report behavior they're not comfortable with b) allows adults to show affection without allowing grooming behaviors, and c) tells adults how to avoid circumstances where they will be prone to credible accusations. In other words, it protects adults, too, since children who have suffered real abuse have been known to level accusations against an adult other than their true abuser. The programs also helps children to identify * many* adults they know they are allowed to talk to about incidents that even make them uncomfortable, including someone outside the family and even when the person they have a problem with is in a position of trust and esteem.

Yes, I am saying that one of your young relatives who has been abused by some other family member might accuse you, instead, if you even allow yourself the opportunities that abusers need when you are with other people's children. More to the point though: when trusted adults act one way and perpetrators have to act very differently in order to create an opportunity for themselves, the difference in behavior is more likely to raise a red flag in a child's mind. This is a good thing.

As for the family member who is a convicted predator, the family needs to let them know that if they don't stay within very strict boundaries at family events, they will be asked to leave. If the other members of the family don't go for that, then don't go to the events. By strict boundaries, I mean the kinds of boundaries you would expect at events at which your child would be surrounded by total strangers. In that family, frankly, I would expect every adult other than a child's own parents to observe those boundaries. You don't know who has been abused, or who has been made into an abuser.

IOW, this individual may not be an isolated case in the family, as sexual abusers often suffered abuse themselves in childhood, abuse which is usually not disclosed. Sexual abusers can also still be in childhood themselves. Please learn about this danger to your children; you will never regret that you did. Encourage all of your relatives to do the same. This isn't to demonize the person who committed the crimes. It is so that there won't be another crime or even grounds for another credible accusation in your family. If this predator was the product of a cycle of abuse, it is time for the cycle to be broken. If not, then the behaviors are still healthy ones for children to learn to expect of adults caring for them. It is a no-lose proposition.


#14

[quote="PatriceA, post:11, topic:210802"]
Somebody should have informed her in great detail, as soon as it was known she had invited him. And then somebody needed to uninvite him immediately. There is no justification for inviting him to such a public event. If I had been another guest at the wedding, I would have been very offended, especially if my children were included on the invite.

[/quote]

Call us cowards but we didn't want to fight with her over this. She was the only one who could 'uninvite' since it was her wedding.


#15

[quote="Phemie, post:12, topic:210802"]
Perhaps she believes in forgiveness? That would be substance trumping feelings.

Anyway, the point is moot since he's made it pretty clear in the last 4 years that he isn't really interested in being part of the family so I doubt there will be any more 'family functions' which he attends.

[/quote]

Unless she was the one abused by him, she has no capacity, and further NO RIGHT to forgive him for violating others! How can she, or you, purport to say, "Oh, that's alright. I forgive you for physically, spiritually, and emotionally damaging or destroying a young child with your painful and violent sexual possesion of them." :eek:

So the only reason he's not included is because he's not interested? If he were interested, your family would find ways to have him around? My God...


#16

You’re right, I think at the family wedding every child there was safe from uncle X because those who knew were watching him. That wouldn’t have been the case for 18 years after he committed his crimes because nobody knew about them. What about uncles A, B & C who just haven’t been caught yet?


#17

You’re assuming that this guy is the only one of his type in the family. That may or may not be a reasonable assumption. He’s the one who got caught, but most perpetrators do not get caught. Many perpetrators were victims themselves in childhood. Most perpetrators are former victims of someone they know. It is not unusual for an offender to have over 100 victims in a lifetime, and yet never get caught. The registered offender may be attending this event with the relative or family friend who abused him, and no one but he and the abuser know it. Even if he is not there, one of his young victims may be there, primed to abuse another victim.

In other words, it would not be wise to assume that this issue only concerns one person. That may be, but it would be less likely than not.

All children should know what inappropriate behavior is and should know not to be comfortable with it, no matter who does it. They should know they can refuse affection and direction from adults who make them uncomfortable. They should know lots of people to tell about uncomfortable events. That is how predators are denied access. It is not enough to be able to catch abusers. The main thing is to stop them before the abuse ever happens.

Having said all of that: if this perpetrator was convicted of a crime against a family member, he should never be invited to an event to which his victim is also invited. That is wrong. The bride may want to consider that, too. That may require some uncomfortable questions be asked, albeit discretely, but it would be worth it.


#18

Exactly. Plus cousins R, T, and Q, their current or former victims, who are primed to become perpetrators themselves, given the opportunity.

Most perpetrators never get caught. Every family should have common-sense precautions in place. It is estimated that as many as 60 million Americans have been victims of abuse. These things used to happen because we couldn’t imagine “nice” people could do such things. Now that we know better, we need to calmly, matter-of-factly, and non-hysterically do better.


#19

Because other family members might be undiscovered pedophiles, or because other family members might someday become pedophiles, the ADMITTED AND CONVICTED pedophile should be allowed free access to all family members? Are you people crazy? Seems like a good recipe to make cousins R, T, and Q into pedophiles, because this pedophile will have opportunity to abuse them!

I am a dedicated Catholic and I love my church, but you people are scaring the hell out of me. Is THIS why it was so easy for corrupt bishops and priests to keep their sins under wraps for so long? Because of thinking like this? "Oh, it's okay to let him around Johnny, even though he raped Jimmy, because we believe in forgiveness and there are probably other pedophiles in the family anyway.... so risking Johnny's physical, spiritual, and mental health is perfectly fine for us to do.... Johnny should just offer it up later, after this guy rapes him with the opportunity we gave him."


#20

I’m starting to feel nauseous. :frowning:

At a gathering a few years back, my DS was 1 and I got the heebie jeebies from a “familly friend” he wanted to take my son for a walk, “outside” I answered, "Why the party is here, why do you need to bring him outside?

Another gathering, he asks to bring DS, “downstairs”, quasi insisting…

My mommy radar was pinging like crazy, and although there is no concrete evidence I am suspicious, because of other related weird things about him. :frowning:

We can’t put our kids in a jar…how do we keep them safe…:(:frowning:


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