Do you LIKE your in-laws?


#1

I've been thinking about this in the past couple years or so with my own family, my in-laws in particular. I actually have a really great relationship with them, and even my husband has commented that they really enjoy my presence and having me around, actually like me, and we get along really great. I don't have a healthy relationship with my family of origin, nor do I ever expect to in the future due to various issues, so in a way my in-laws have the characteristics that I wish my own parents would have and are almost more of "parents" than my own were.

Apparently, this is a rarity and usually I am told comments such as "enjoy it while it lasts. It'll change when you have children," or "oh, they're just faking it. Their true selves will come out soon enough" (faking it for more than 5 years?) and my favorite, "if you ever live closer to them they will turn a 180. Beware!"

Is it me, or are comments like that a little disparaging? Or perhaps, I could truly be naive?

I mean, I really like my in-laws, and from what I understand they really like me-- in fact, I get along better with my FIL than my husband does. And that's his own parent! Why would that relationship all of a sudden change, unless I were to change something myself?

Is it really rare to actually like your in-laws, let alone get along with them?


#2

I love my future in-laws. My FIL has just returned to the Catholic Church (he was brought up in the Church as a child and then left it as an adult), which is a wonderful blessing since his son (my fiance) just joined the Catholic Church last Easter. We enjoy spending time talking about Catholic issues and attending Mass together---- our faith is a wonderful connection.

My MIL, however, is Protestant and so she has some issues with the Catholic Church and can sometimes poke fun of the faith. I can tell this upsets her husband, but he quietly ignores her comments--- I believe more out of not knowing how to defend the faith and his own personality than not minding that the comment was said.

My MIL and I do get along, but I'm more shy around her--- it's something that I'd like to get over but since she is so opinionated at times, I'm worried to open my mouth sometimes. She's a wonderfully sweet lady though, but I do seem closer to my FIL.

Now as for my parents: they both started out hating my fiance. Only when around the time we were getting engaged did my Mom warm up to him--- it finally clicked that this was the man I was called to marry and she wanted to love her son-in-law... not cause strife between us. My Dad still has yet to warm up to him, but that's my Dad's personality: stern, traditional Russian father. In time maybe he'll be kinder, but we're not counting on it--- right now we just leave it as it is... he'll talk to my fiance but there's no father-son connection.


#3

I love my in-laws. MIL and FIL are models of holiness. They are awesome people and we love them. My husband's siblings, their spouses, and kids are also awesome. MIL and FIL live down the street, my FIL and husband work together on the family farm, we sit together in church, etc.

My in-laws are awesome and I just wish I'd met their son sooner so I'd have them longer! they are in their 80s, so all our time together is precious.


#4

Not being married I cannot speak for myself but I do know neither of my parents really got on with the other's parents. My mother's father I think disapproved of the fact my father had been previously married and had two sons with his previous wife. My father and my grandfather are very different people - my grandfather is very old-fashioned and uptight whereas my father is very relaxed and spontaneous and I think this meant they both irritated each other endlessly. My father's mother (who is a bit odd by all accounts) originally refused to refer to my mother by name, constantly referring to my mother as "her" and speaking about her as if my mother couldn't understand what she was saying - my father is Brazilian and my mother is English and I think my grandmother failed to grasp for a while that my mother does actually speak fluent Portuguese.


#5

I love my inlaws. I've known them for.....26 years now. They've always lived close by, and they attend their grandchildren's school events, are involved, but are not "butt in-ski". They are great.

It was quite the experience (all positive) going through late DH's death and burial with them.


#6

I like my in-laws, too! Wonderful people. They do not live close, so that is unfortunate, but they visit at least twice a year.


#7

:whistle:

Well, I love my in-laws. :D


#8

I like my FIL, my SIL and her husband, and my BIL (even though his severe bipolar issues has put a big strain on my family because my husband's his social security disability payee and ends up being his daily punching bag :( ) My MIL though......well, she's got a ton of issues that make it extremely hard to like her and impossible to be around her. The family knows she is very mentally ill, but she won't see a psychiatrist so we don't know exactly what her problem is. Several family members refuse to have anything to do with her, inlcuding her own daughter because they just can't take the stress of dealing with her. She actively looks for reasons to hate peope, and will fight at the drop of a hat. I see in her many of the elements of another family member who has borderline personality disorder, and you can look it up on wikipedia to see how difficult it would be do be around someone like that.

I was *so *looking forward to having a great relationship with a loving MIL, but it became clear soon after I met her that it was not going to be possible. She was nice to me at first, but I knew that it was only a matter of time until she started to attack me the same way she attacked her daughter, her husband, her son-in-law, my husband, the nieghbors....you get the picture.


#9

My dad died when I was 18 and my mom died when I was 24. I married my husband when I as 29 and his parents became my new parents. They do not even seem like a MIL or FIL. Our relationship has been wonderful for years. I have been married for 23 years now. About 5 years ago my FIL died and I took it as hard as when my own dad died. Now my MIL has Alzheimers and we are dealng with that. She still treats me like her daughter. She calls me when ever she needs something. Over the years she has introduced me as her new daughter.

The great relationship between you and your MIL and FIL can last for ever!


#10

I love my in-laws, too! My own family is pretty dysfunctional, though I love them all very much... My mom is bipolar; my dad divorced her and remarried a woman who tries to pressure me and my siblings to love and incorporate her and her two boys into all of our affairs (she started doing this within a week of dating my dad), or she gets upset and turns our dad against us.

Walking into my husband's parents' house is like taking a great big peaceful sigh of content. I'm pretty quiet and so is my MIL, so we don't say a lot to each other, but there is perfect ease and mutual liking between us. My FIL is charming and likes to chat with me between watching television or serving me hamburgers he just grilled up. When my mother suddenly threw me out of the place we'd agreed to live in together, my MIL took me right in, and she and my FIL gave my husband and me a few thousand dollars to go toward our wedding which was a few months after that. Then they bought us a washer and dryer when we moved into our new apartment. I am very grateful to them.

Don't listen when people try to tell you that your good relationships or situations are sure to go sour just because theirs did. I especially hate it when people tell me I should get my own bank account and have a back-up plan in case my husband divorces me someday... Why would I want to go into marriage already planning for my divorce? I think it's better to go through life with trust and love, and if something happens to damage a relationship in the future, then trust and love for God will carry you through those times, too.

So I say enjoy your great relationship with your in-laws, and don't expect anything different! :)


#11

If my in-laws were random people on the street or casual aquaintances, I’d like them. FIL passed away recently, but MIL is still alive. She’s not a bad person–not exactly. She can be really charming and entertaining. She’s very sociable and fun. She’s also* very* secular and trendy–far trendier and much more secular than one would expect from a grandmother.

The thing about in-laws is similar to the thing about parents–you get to know them and have expectations from them. They get to know you and have expectations of you too.

We don’t meet each others expectations any longer. It’s not that anyone changed 180; it’s more like we both gradually turned somewhere around 90 degrees in the opposite direction over the years. While we got along in the beginning, one day we woke up and found we didn’t have much in common besides her genetic relation with my husband and children. The changes between us became much more obvious when we physically moved closer to them. Those changed also became clearer about the time my husband converted to Catholicism.

My husband grew up Protestant. His mom still goes to that same church, except the denomination has switched positions on a number of moral issues. My husband didn’t like the changes in his old denomination and he eventually became Catholic. His parents stayed in that same denomination, and they accepted changes away from traditional Christian morality.

People change. Time passes. Sometimes people grow closer together over the years, and sometimes they drift further apart.


#12

I LOVE my MIL (FIL died before I met my husband)… she is a huge blessing in our lives and I’m so grateful to know her and be a part of her life.
We have personality differences and have different opinions on things, but the mutual love and respect are so much greater that those things never hinder our relationship…
I know I’m very blessed…


#13

I love my in-laws, too. From the time they met me, they have always been warm and loving to me and we've developed a good relationship through the years during our courtship, engagement and marriage. I think of them as my parents and they of me as their daughter, which I feel blessed. Unfortunately, they don't live close, so we only get to see them a few times a year. I love and get along with both of my sisters-in-law as well, and it has been really nice to have older sisters, since I was always the older sister and the oldest in my family, whereas in his family, I'm the youngest.

My husband also has a great relationship with my family. He loves my parents like they're his own and my parents feel the same about him. My Dad, brother and him hang out with each other a lot since they live close by and we're over my parents home at least once a week on Sunday or Saturday just to spend time with each other. DH and my sister also get along really well. They're a lot alike - goofy, playful, fun. She has known him since she was a girl as DH and I met in college and they've been like brother and sister ever since.


#14

[quote="spunjalebi, post:1, topic:226111"]
I've been thinking about this in the past couple years or so with my own family, my in-laws in particular. I actually have a really great relationship with them, and even my husband has commented that they really enjoy my presence and having me around, actually like me, and we get along really great. I don't have a healthy relationship with my family of origin, nor do I ever expect to in the future due to various issues, so in a way my in-laws have the characteristics that I wish my own parents would have and are almost more of "parents" than my own were.

Apparently, this is a rarity and usually I am told comments such as "enjoy it while it lasts. It'll change when you have children," or "oh, they're just faking it. Their true selves will come out soon enough" (faking it for more than 5 years?) and my favorite, "if you ever live closer to them they will turn a 180. Beware!"

Is it me, or are comments like that a little disparaging? Or perhaps, I could truly be naive?

I mean, I really like my in-laws, and from what I understand they really like me-- in fact, I get along better with my FIL than my husband does. And that's his own parent! Why would that relationship all of a sudden change, unless I were to change something myself?

Is it really rare to actually like your in-laws, let alone get along with them?

[/quote]

I don't think you're being naive. You got a great set of in-laws, it sounds like a very healthy and loving relationship between you and them and you don't have anything that has happened to indicate otherwise. Anytime someone gives you a negative comment, that's probably them applying their own issues with their inlaws onto yours and that's not fair.

My relationship with my inlaws can be nice one day and extremely estranged the next. My MIL has many issues that have never been addressed stemming from childhood abuse that comes into play every so often in her relationship not only with me, but everyone in the family as well. She can be a lot of fun when she's feeling secure, but its extremely hard to like her when she's spinning out of control.

People telling you to wait and see and enjoy it while it happens, isn't any fair then someone telling me my relationship with my inlaws can not possibly be as bad as I say it can be. I don't think its rare to get along with inlaws, not any more so than people that have problems with their inlaws. People can and will have both good and bad relationships with their spouse's family.


#15

No. :o


#16

I get along with my in-laws because we don't spend a lot of time around them. My MIL is my hubby's stepmother. His mother died when he was very young. MIL despises me and my hubby. They don't care to be involved in our children's lives. They just like to pretend we don't exist. My MIL and FIL are "devout" Catholics and for all outward appearances, such holy people. But it is all fake. They encourage their adult children to use ABC and to be sterilized, they preach against most of the beliefs we are supposed to hold as Catholics. She tells people that all priests are gay child molesters who only join the priesthood to hide their homosexuality. She says if they could get married, they wouldn't molest children, etc. I've never seen anyone with such negative attitudes about priests, who also has them in her house all the time. I don't see why if she believed they were child molesters, she would invite them over with a house full of children?:confused:

They are such negative people, we try to stay away as much as possible. They enjoy chaos and we don't. Better to see them occasionally than to see them contantly and argue. Just my opinion! If you have good in-laws, you're very fortunate!


#17

I don't think it's odd to get along with your in-laws. I don't see why you couldn't under normal circumstances.

I like my MIL (FIL left her for another woman when my husband was a boy) but it's hard for me because we live with her. I think I'd like her a heck of a lot more if I didn't live with her. I think living with someone that is not your spouse really can be straining.


#18

My dear MIL recently died after living with us for over 10 years. (My FIL died before we married.) She was a blessing on the family. She and I were not bosom buddies in terms of confiding in each other; that was more something she was for her grandchildren! OTOH, she was exceptionally easy-going, almost to a fault. It took a pliers to get an opinion out of her. (Sometimes I really did want her opinion, after all!)

"Grandparents and grandchildren are natural allies against a common enemy." ~Arnold Toynbee, historian. There is a little truth to that, even under the best of circumstances!

I think our situation worked out as well as it did because we let Granny have her rules for the kids and she let us have ours, whether we totally agreed or not, and we weren't that far apart. (The kids were never confused by this, incidentally. It is like knowing that while no one will let you get away with murder, it is only the city cops who get you for jaywalking, speeding, and running red lights, things federal agents don't concern themselves with.)


#19

My Dh and I both work for my FIL, my SIL and BIL also work there. My MIL just retired from school system to "work" there (mainly consisting of criticizing everything that me and SIL do). My FIL is a pretty great guy, and since my dad died when I was 18, he has more or less adopted me. (He tells me and SIL all the time that he raised us both!) So yeah, I love my FIL.

My MIL is manipulative(sp?) and tries to start fights between me and SIL all the time. She tries to get between me and DH all the time, sometimes she calls me bad names because DH and I were young and had a child out of wedlock. (Yes I know it was wrong, but thats all in the past and if Jesus can forgive, she should too) She continually tells my kids that it is okay to do something that I told them not to, or buys them things that I tell them they cannot have, or basically anything that she can do to undermine our authority as parents. Even with all those issues, I still can't say that I don't like her, but I do get mad at her sometimes and I do tell her to mind her own business sometimes. It's more like the little old aunt that everybody has that no one understands. You just let her rant and rave and say "well Bless her heart" and then go about your life like there were no interuptions. :shrug::shrug: What else can you do?


#20

[quote="kristleful, post:10, topic:226111"]

Walking into my husband's parents' house is like taking a great big peaceful sigh of content. I'm pretty quiet and so is my MIL, so we don't say a lot to each other, but there is perfect ease and mutual liking between us.

[/quote]

I can really relate to that! Whenever my husband and I go to visit his parents, it's a very relaxed atmosphere and I don't feel like I have to be on my best behavior, or be wary of rude and dismissive comments. My MIL and I are able to have conversations together, and my FIL and I actually share some interests and hobbies:eek: Sort of crazy, but it's nice since I never had that relationship with my own dad.

Sometimes when people say to me "oh that won't last," or "just you wait, they'll change," it's almost as if I should expect that the relationship I have with my in-laws, and the character that I have come to know and expect from them is fake. My in-laws and I share the faith, common values, etc. A lot of the values and characteristics that are in my husband, are in his family so it's obviously something that was instilled. I wouldn't have married my husband if he didn't have a lot of those characteristics, so really I do have my in-laws to thank for that.


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