Do you think this is inappropriate?


#1

Do you think it is okay for your spouse’s female co-worker/friend to tell your DH “I love you” ? (Especially if the wife is uncomfortable with their " friendship.")


#2

Generally, yes- especially if the relationship is already making the wife uncomfortable.

I can imagine a situation with buddy-type coworkers, where one might do a favor for the other, prompting a response such as “Oh man, I love you, you’re awesome!” said with great exuberance, around other coworkers, and in a situation where all know it is not serious. But I would imagine if it were a situation like that, the wife would not be concerned.

Go with your gut. Don’t overreact, but definitely keep your eyes and ears open.


#3

ITA with PP.


#4

Absolutely inappropriate.

Poor judgment even in joking when all around know the person to not be serious. Absolutely inappropriate when there is any doubt whatsoever as to the seriousness by those present. Scandalously inappropriate when that doubt is present and it is so boldly done in front of his wife.

There are plenty of other ways of expressing ourselves besides creating scandal for flirting with a guy in front of his wife, whether that is the intention or not.

What was your husband’s response? Based on your asking, I’d guess it was to excuse it away and say you are overreacting. Let me guess: he laughed at her and didn’t see anything wrong with it? A husband should put his wife first. If his wife was offended by a female co-worker who continues to not keep a respectable distance from a married man, the man should put his wife’s feelings above that of the co-workers. He should be supporting his wife, not an inappropriate joke from some woman.

“You are right. She shouldn’t have said that. It was poor judgment on her part.” coupled with a life that shows just how happy he is as a married man and his lack of interest in any advances is what he should be saying and doing.


#5

I work in a Christian place, and people of both genders tell each other they love each other in a filial way. But if my husband said he was uncomfortable with it, I would ask that it be stopped.


#6

i am sorry but a lot of people nowadays dont seem to think that it is inappropriate!
i feel for you… unfortunately if your spouse is not sensitive to your feelings there is not much you can do about this…
dont drive ur self crazy over this but keep ur eyes and ears open…
also, i woudl say be confident… many a times these kind of women like to do this as they see that they are causing you pain… when she sees that you are confident in your husband and dont really care, she will back off!
God be with you!


#7

Absolutely!Read my post in Family life.We also started with “dear” and “sweetie” and before I knew it he was calling me"my love",“sweetheart” and “darling”.That is where the trouble started…It may seem harmless now, but believe me it can lead to heartache later.


#8

[LEFT]I say "aww man I love you " ____________ fill in blank (such as I Love you for helping me with this ) especially if someone helps me finish something or my boss lets me go home early, I get a raise and so on…

I think this a common thing in the workplace. As to this particular woman I guess it would depend on the tone and how she said it.[/LEFT]


#9

My boss just laughs at me when I tell him I love him… but then again, I do the same to him…and I am more likely to tell bosses wife I love her than him anyway…

The other day at work was so boring. I think we had 2 phone calls all day because people knew the boss had been out of town for a month. So when he called to check in, I asked if I could go home early because it was so slow. When he said yes, I replied with an I love you… so he turned to his wife and said, see, she loves me!! and we all had a good laugh! On the other hand, after I completed a tough job of redesigning and setting up a presentation and database, he went around to all the participants that saw the presentation and told them I was his “woman” and he loved me. (His wife was at that event too btw). This is just how we talk to each other.


#10

Personally If you are not comfortable with the relationship then your dh NEEDS to stay as far away as possible from this person. Obviously he doesn’t think anything is wrong - maybe show him all our responses. If you do show him this let him read this:

You are WRONG to have a friendship with someone your wife is uncomfortable with - you are thus putting someone else above your wife (!!! - that’s the issue here), and if she said to you that she loves you, you need to be a good man and husband and say that’s not appropriate.


#11

I suggest you stop talking that way with your boss and with his wife. It is inappropriate to be so casual with a superior and it is scandalously inappropriate to be so friendly with a married man. For all you know, it is your boss’ wife who started this thread. People notice when appropriate boundaries are crossed, and they rarely say something to the people directly. Instead, they are the topic of water cooler gossip and office rumor-mongerings. No one should ever have reason to question your relationship to your co-workers, especially those of the opposite sex.

Try some of these:
Oh, yeah! Thank you very much! I’m in heaven! Your husband is a wonderful employer! I couldn’t have asked for a better boss! It couldn’t have come at a better time! I really appreciate the help!

For the benefit of the reading husband, a tone of gratitude to one’s colleague or superior should accompany them, and not sparkling eyes or friendly smiles.


#12

I agree with most of your post, but what’s wrong with a friendly smile?


#13

I don’t think it’s OK. Like Jen said, go with your gut.


#14

I don’t know how to express the difference in what I mean. I don’t mean a smile like a customer service representative would give to a customer. I’d call that a friendly smile which would be appropriate. I mean a smile that a girl would give a boy which would encourage and invite a closer intimacy. There’s a difference in the eyes between the two. In a friendly smile, the eyes are warm. In a flirty smile, the eyes are sparkling.

For the husband reading, if your wife is uncomfortable with it, the woman is doing the flirty smile. Unless your wife accuses every customer service rep, sales person, or other woman who ever talks to you of flirting, then your wife is a good indicator and should be trusted. You should give your wife no reason to believe that you would ever follow-through with the woman’s flirts. Indicators would be laughing back at the woman with the sparkling eyes, responding similarly to the woman, telling your wife she is overexaggerating, telling your wife it isn’t happening, denying your wife’s feelings or concerns, or blaming your wife for your behavior. When a woman in the office says that she loves you, your response should be a cool “Well, I don’t think my wife would be happy to hear that, but I am glad that I was able to help.” When a woman says that with sparkling eyes and a flirty smile, as defined by your wife not by you, then your should be more quick, cold and firm with your response and you should avoid any indicator of a relationship outside of being co-workers.

If your wife is accusing every woman you encounter, then she has a real lack of security and you two need to get in counseling to figure out the cause and the solution.


#15

Ah, that makes sense. Then yes, I agree.


#16

Ummm first of all you would be correct in a typical office setting, but my employer is hardly what I would call typical. My bosses wife and I are very close. She enlists me often to work with many of her charitable causes. If she were jealous she would say so, she isn’t shy in the least. Instead she involves me in many things I wouldn’t normally be able to take part in and she has even confided in me about family matters.

At work we run several (about 20 I think) companies (several are multi million dollar companies) in a small office where 4-5 of us work daily in rural USA. We have hundreds of other employees but only about 20 may stop in daily or occasionally but don’t call the main office their “workplace”. We do things very differently here. We go to mass together (about 6-7 of us from main office and other offices), we all technically work for more than one of the companies and we “borrow” employees from each other. Our pilot is also my assistant when I am installing network equipment. I assist the office manager in the office and help all the companies with presentations and other things like lab assisting our lead chemist. Our head chemist is helping the pilot rebuild the plane engines, but also gives me leads for the company I “work” for, etc. The boss is the CEO of all the companies except one, his wife is CEO of that one, and our Civil engineer is the president of one of the companies but CEO of our international sister company. The wife employs my 15 yo dd and we often subcontract with my 20 yo ds. Our carpenter’s wife is also his assistant and works for the CEO’s wife too (they also dog sit when boss is out of town).

My dh loves my boss and his family and is not jealous or scandalized by the way we talk to each other. Just today the boss called me into his office and asked about dd’s tuition. He promised to help out with it last year and is apparently planning on continuing this year. This is pretty much in lieu of bonuses which get taxed at 40%. So he gets a tax break from a charitable contribution instead of me paying out major taxes.

My job entails working at his houses, and all our other locations including his vacation homes. I have access to all these sites 24/7. Last year he even flew my ds and I down to one of his homes in AL to work on his computer network. We had the job done that night and he was so grateful he told us to stay 3 extra days and go 4 wheeling and target shooting on his property.

Most of us are more than employees… we are family. We help each other out off the job too. I work on everybody’s computers and home networks. I purchase their equipment for them and then they work out payment plans with the boss. Our carpenter worked on the office managers deck at her home and she just paid for the wood and our property manager shopped for and bought my vehicle for my husband.

To be quite honest, I know how blest I am to work in this place. I started 3 months before my wedding. He paid me during my honeymoon and even joked that it was no problem as long as the honeymoon was less than 6 months… then he told me he was coming with…as a joke. When I broke my leg his wife sent the caretaker over to deliver dinner and she delivered a homemade dinner when she got back in town, then she did the same a month and a half later when I had a miscarriage. This is more than a job or a career… it truly is a family.

So what is typical in normal companies is quite out of the ordinary here. It is not uncommon to get calls on holidays (non-religious ones) or get calls at 7am on a Sunday morning or 10 pm on a Sat night. It is comforting to know that when he needs me to give his son a ride he calls me or when my car blew up, he sent our “guys” to tow it for me. Truly, it is like being a member of a family.


#17

**
Wow!!! That’s awesome!! I don’t know many bosses that would go to Mass in the morning with the employees, that’s great! You sound like you have the ideal boss/company to be working for!!! VERY BLEST!!!**


#18

Yes… isn’t it awesome!!! Our civ eng/president is Catholic, along with the CEO and his wife. our pilot and me. We all pile into CEO wifes car and drive 2 blocks to mass. Alot of times my dh, and the presidents dw meet us there.

When I picked up our civ eng/president from the airport when he moved here from Japan the first thing he said after we introduced ourselves was, “Your name Mary? Are you Catholic?” I said yes and asked if he was… his reply, “But of course” like all Japanese are Catholics… The rest of the 3 hour drive home was not as easy… He asked if the corn in the fields was wheat… and I pointed out all the different crops and any local sites I thought he would understand but he came from Tokyo… what, like the 4th largest city in the world? He started looking really scared of all the open land here in the midwest.


#19

I have sort of the same situation as BlestOne. I work for a small production company where everyone is family. I also work out of my boss’s house, where he and I are alone for up to 8 hours a day…

My boss’s wife is definitely not jealous and actually thinks its funny too when I say “oh _____ I love you! You’re the best boss ever.” and so on.

Since I am the only in office employee the rest of our employees are all field videographers, I don’t believe I am causing scandal. Well I suppose I could be since I am around his two dogs all day, maybe they might get the wrong idea.:slight_smile:

I think its sad today in our world that we can no longer joke, compliment and so forth because we’re afraid that it may constitute sexual harassment, scandal etc.


#20

If you are not comfortable with the situation tell your husband and put a stop to it now. Because it can lead to more than that. Not all situations are the same but it opens doors to certain things. That is what happened to me and now ex husband after 12 years of marriage and 2 kids. He was the store manager (he was 34 years old two years ago) and this casual/temporary worker (who was 19 years at that time) I found notes saying that she loves him and thanx for his support and she will stop taking drugs. I confronted him about it and he told me that she was just thanking him. As time went on I suspected that there was something going on. But by then it was too late the relationship had become serious she fell pregnant from him, I kicked him out and he moved in with her.

I am not saying that the same could happen to you but don’t leave a door open to something like that happening. Pray out it but find a solution to this problem it does not mean that you are paranoid or insecure but it hurts you and makes you feel uncomfortable.


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