Does it matter what church I marry in, even if it's Catholic?


#1

My boyfriend and I have recently been discussing marriage; we plan on getting engaged but probably not for another six months. My boyfriend converted to Catholicism two years ago, while I’ve been a Catholic my entire life. Since we’ve been discussing marriage, my mom has been chiming in and giving her thoughts on when we should do it, where, etc. She is dead set on us getting married in our home parrish, however my boyfriend is not too thrilled about the idea. Since he has converted recently, he doesn’t exactly have a 'home" parrish, however he feels very strongly about where we get married. He is very traditional, prefers the Trinitine mass to the Novus Ordo one, and he doesn’t care for how “liberal” our parrish is. He is said before if it came down to it, he would still marry in my church, but he strongly prefers to not. We have found a beautiful chapel very close to where I grew up, and my boyfriend even attends daily mass there. I have yet to attend a mass at the chapel, but I have been inside the chapel and hope to go to daily mass there once my schedule allows. The chapel still holds the Novus Ordo mass, however in a much more traditional manner. My mom will not have it. The problem is- I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it, and while I can see my mom’s point about getting married in the church I grew up in, I know my boyfriend and I will raise a family in a different church. Personally, I can see the good/bad in getting married at either church. This topic has sprouted a hint of hostility between my boyfriend and my mother, and I know either way, one of them will be unhappy about the decision. I thought that marrying a Catholic man was enough, now where I marry him has caused a riot! Please help :slight_smile:


#2

Can. 1115 Marriages are to be celebrated in the parish in which either of the contracting parties has a domicile or a quasi-domicile or a month’s residence or, if there is question of vagi, in the parish in which they are actually residing. With the permission of the proper Ordinary or the proper parish priest, marriages may be celebrated elsewhere.

You need to start by talking to the priest at the chapel.

Also, I suggest you quash now your mother’s interference. It is not her decision. This is a decision you as a couple must make. It does not bode well if you start your marriage off being run by her decisions.


#3

You are normally expected to marry in your own parish – either yours or your boyfriend’s. Either one of your pastors is responsible for seeing that the proper preparation is done, including the paperwork and the actual ‘marriage preparation’ in some form: Pre-Cana; Engaged Encounter; private preparation, etc.

I can’t tell if you still live in your ‘home parish’ or if you’re referring to the parish where you grew up but where you no longer reside. If you still reside there I can see your mom’s point, since that’s where you will likely do all the preparation. If you don’t reside there then marrying there involves obtaining your own pastor’s permission to do so.

This is one time when you have to sit with your boyfriend and decide as a couple where you want to be married and then tell your parents. It should be your decision.


#4

You might well be able to marry in a different parish, you would have to talk to the Pastor of that parish though and perhaps your and or their Bishops. So yes, it technically matters, it might be a lot more work to get married in your childhood parish. It might also be more expensive possibly, I know my Parish offers the Church for free, but you have to be a member. If they make an exception, I'm not sure whether or not they charge you money.

Any reason why she wants you to marry in that specific parish?


#5

Yes, she wants me to marry in the specific parrish because it is the parrish I made my sacraments of Holy Communion and Confirmation in. She also works for the church; and my boyfriend and I actually volunteer for the youth group there. I absolutely see her point; and yes, I do enjoy the community there, however it has really only been the past three years where I have felt any sort of connection to this church. My boyfriend is supportive, and he is not closed to discussion, however he says he is distracted at my church because of how “liberal” it is.


#6

[quote="SBryndy729, post:5, topic:182919"]
Yes, she wants me to marry in the specific parrish because it is the parrish I made my sacraments of Holy Communion and Confirmation in. She also works for the church; and my boyfriend and I actually volunteer for the youth group there. I absolutely see her point; and yes, I do enjoy the community there, however it has really only been the past three years where I have felt any sort of connection to this church. My boyfriend is supportive, and he is not closed to discussion, however he says he is distracted at my church because of how "liberal" it is.

[/quote]

Well, even if it's a so called "liberal church" (I hate political labels when used to describe religious institutions), there's no reason why your wedding/mass can't be completely Orthodox. Would your mom be open, to perhaps using that location but a more traditional preist from another parish if one were willing to perform the ceremony for you?


#7

Who is paying for the wedding? If mom is shelling out the bucks, she gets to have a say. If you want to remove her opinions and input, pay for the wedding yourselves.


#8

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:182919"]

Also, I suggest you quash now your mother's interference. It is not her decision. This is a decision you as a couple must make. It does not bode well if you start your marriage off being run by her decisions.

[/quote]

This pretty much sums up what I was thinking when I read the thread. Listening to your Mom and basically letting her make the decision over your future husband isn't a great precedent to set at the beginning of a marriage. It's wonderful to be close to parents (mine live next door) but they shouldn't be the ones calling the shots in a new marriage. It's a decision you need to make with your husband-to-be.


#9

\We have found a beautiful chapel very close to where I grew up, and my boyfriend even attends daily mass there. I have yet to attend a mass at the chapel, but I have been inside the chapel and hope to go to daily mass there once my schedule allows. The chapel still holds the Novus Ordo mass, however in a much more traditional manner. My mom will not have it.\

**Normally, weddings must take place in a parish church. You mentioned a “chapel” your bf attends.

Is this associated with a College or Religious Community?

Under usual circumstances, weddings are NOT held in Relgious, Monastic, or Seminary Chapels. I don’t know about College chapels.

Where you get married in none of your mother’s business. It’s not her wedding.

Actually, it’s not your wedding, either.

It’s the CHURCH’S wedding–and it’s being bestowed upon you and your fiance. (I’m not referring here to the Sacrament of Matrimony.)

In any case your marrige must be recorded in your home parish, your groom’s home parish, and the parish or church where it took place.**


#10

This one is totally between you and your bf. Mom is entitled to her opinion, but she is not the one getting married...you are. Your priority is what happens between you and your bf, since he's the one you're going to be living with for the rest of your life. And if you're old enought to be getting married, you're certainly old enough to decide WHERE that wedding takes place.

Thank your mom for her input, but make it clear that you and your bf will make the final decision.


#11

[quote="that_name, post:7, topic:182919"]
Who is paying for the wedding? If mom is shelling out the bucks, she gets to have a say. If you want to remove her opinions and input, pay for the wedding yourselves.

[/quote]

She is not paying for the Marriage (or at least it is a minimal expense) which should take place in the church that you and your future husband choose and which you are allowed to get married in. If you have both been attending a different parish and the priest okays it (which is what I actually did when I got married) then you should go where you both want. Your mother is not the one getting married. Let her have a bigger say in the reception if she is paying for it...


#12

[quote="1ke, post:2, topic:182919"]

Also, I suggest you quash now your mother's interference. It is not her decision. This is a decision you as a couple must make. It does not bode well if you start your marriage off being run by her decisions.

[/quote]

Indeed! You are not marrying your mother. Marriage is the time to "leave and cleave" (see Genesis 2:24). You leave your parents and cleave/cling to your spouse.


#13

how you handle the interference on the part of your mother and others now, on this and all points regarding your marriage, will set the tone for your future together, so be very careful. You are not even engaged yet, but when you are engaged of course it matters where you get married, you are both Catholic and bound by Church laws on marriage. You are not bound by cultural tradtions, family preferences, secular wedding planners and the like. You are both adult Catholics and should yourselves be established in the parish where you live or regularly worship. His parish is the one where he was received into the Church, unless he has moved or joined another parish. Yours is where you live now. You only have to register if you live outside their boundaries, but without registration and regular stewardship contributions, the parish has no way of knowing who is and is not a member. You can worship elsewhere, for instance when you attend Mass on holidays with relatives, or if you sometimes go to the Latin Mass in your town.

If you have not already done so, establish your membership in your parish in your own name, not your parents. Ordinarily your pastor has jurisdiction over all Catholics within his boundaries when it comes to sacraments. So at least technically you need his permission to marry elsewhere. The best thing to do, once you become engaged, is to visit whichever pastor with whom you feel the most comfortable and begin your marriage preparation, and bring up these issues, even the divisive ones, during these discussions.

How well you communicate and resolve issues on something as relatively minor as which parish to marry in will say a lot about how well you communicate in the future.


#14

Get married in the parish you and your future husband have been attending (or will attend) together. Do not take into account how beautiful the parish is or which parish your family members prefer.

My marriage has been extremely troubled, but attending Sunday mass in the same church where I said my wedding vows has a magical feeling, even when I am most disillusioned with those vows (and I have gone through my fair share of disillusionment.) I know it's not always possible to remain members in your marital parish (relocating, differences with new priests, etc.), but don't deny yourselves this pleasure for the sole purpose of appeasing your mother. Perhaps now would be a good time to go "church shopping" with your boyfriend and find a parish where you both feel a sense of belonging. (Try to go on a Sunday when the usual priest is giving a sermon, not when there is a guest priest.)

If your boyfriend is uncomfortable in your mother's parish now, it is unlikely he will want to attend that parish regularly after you are married. I converted in 2005 and married in 2006. It is my experience that converts go through different phases, long after conversion. In marriage, each spouse has a responsibility to support the other spouse's spiritual journey. Begin as you mean to go on. If you start out the marriage by getting married in a church where he does not feel a sense of belonging, you are setting a precedent that appeasing your mother is more important than supporting his spiritual journey.

If your mother has some say in where you get married because of her financial contributions, turn down those financial contributions. No amount of guests, cake, flowers, wine, or food can replace the magical feeling of gazing around you at the site of your wedding vows.


#15

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