Does Jesus want to show me a way to love?


#1

Hello:

My name’s Michael and I’m Roman Catholic. I’m new to this forum, so I hope this is the right section. Could you help me, please, with the following situation? First of all, a more or less lengthy introduction.

I’m 26 years old. Next year in spring I’ll be 27 years old. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Except two female buddies when I was a child and preteen. When I was a 15 years old teenager I fell in love with a girl at my school, and I wanted to attend dancing school together with her. But she didn’t want me. I wasn’t disappointed that much. However, I started to put my main focus on education and career. I’m not a shy boy, but I avoided looking at girls who are attractive – in my own eyes. I thought they could distract me from studying and my career.

In 2007 I fell in love with a girl again, but on the Internet by a fortunate coincidence. She was a hobby swimmer. I used the search engine because I wanted to look a certain term up and I came up against a sports club website. On this website I saw several photos of her and I fell in love. I contacted her by social networking Internet platform with a photo of mine. We had the same interests among other things (the nature, sports). When she asked me in the second message why I use this platform, I told her that I saw photos of her on her club’s website. But she didn’t reply anymore. However, I wasn’t disappointed that much. I fell in love again like back in 1998. Of course, I fell in love between 1998 and 2007, but I suppressed my emotions, which means no activities. I couldn’t look, as just mentioned, at girls who are attractive – in my own eyes. But this extreme habit, made my physically and emotionally very tired in the truest sense of the word. So, in 2007 I decided to open up my feelings. My mother was shocked and worried (spring 2008) that I want a girlfriend. She doesn’t want that I have a girlfriend, but now after about a year she accepts it more or less.

Then, this year’s summer I fell in love with a girl I read an interview about her (and her colleagues) in a trade journal. I contacted her by business club Internet network without a photo of mine. We work in the same branch, so I really enjoyed her interview answers, and also her appearance. I sent her job-related questions, and I paid her a compliment – with polite statements – due her attractive appearance. But she didn’t reply.

Of course, I saw two girls in my local area, but they already had boyfriends. A few weeks ago, I waited for my train at the central station in the evening. I saw two girls, which were attractive – in my own eyes. One girl (police officer) was sitting in a train. I saw her from the station platform. Then I saw the other girl in the train that I entered. She was snoozing and a guy was “sitting” (on the armrest of the chair) next to her and talking to two persons. So, I didn’t know if it was her boyfriend.

Now, I noticed a girl, who’s a hobby gymnast, on a hobby sports Internet platform – by a fortunate coincidence, again. She lives 37 miles away from my home. Of course, I don’t know if she has a boyfriend. I’d like to contact her – maybe.

I’ve done sports (stretching, running, yoga, riding my bicycle etc.). Once I HAD a fetish for women in one-piece swimsuits and leotards, but I DEFEATED it. For instance, when I saw one of the hobby swimmer’s girl photos where she and her mates wear one-piece swimsuits, I did NOT thought about fetish. I just saw her as a lovely sportswoman and her mates as excellent swimmers! And the one-piece swimsuit is NOTHING than a simple piece of clothing for me.

The same with the hobby gymnast. She’s an excellent as well as attractive sportswoman and she has a sports / aim credo, which is very similar to mine. I’ve been thinking about it, if I should contact her or not. I also thought about my FORMER fetish, as just mentioned, that I DEFEATED. I have NO problems to watch one of the photos where she wears a leotard. There’s NOTHING erotic about it. The leotard is NOTHING than a simple piece of clothing for me. I just see a successful and – in my own eyes – attractive gymnast! However, I don’t know, if I should contact her. At first, I didn’t want it and I forgot about her for a short while although I like her very much. But last week after I had slept, I suddenly noticed that she has something special. My emotions become stronger and stronger with each day. From one day to another. I’m really interested in her and I have to admit that I fell in love! Of course, I don’t know, if she has a boyfriend and so on.

I’ve been thinking that Jesus sent me a message; especially I’ve never had a girlfriend and that I DEFEATED my fetish and so I do not need to worry. As just mentioned, my feelings changed overnight, and I’ve been feeling happy. I don’t know why. I mean Jesus sent me a message. What do you think? What should I do?

(A little “example”. I know it sounds strange and funny. Maybe, you’ve seen the motion picture “The Fifth Element”. The main character fell in love with the girl from one day to another and his emotions changed completely.)

Regards, thank you very much and god bless you!

Michael


#2

Hi Michael - welcome to the forums.

It seems like you don’t have a full understanding of what love is. I’m not sure I understand how you are “falling in love” with a woman based on a photograph. :shrug:
I’m also not sure why your mother would be shocked that you’d want a girlfriend in your mid-20’s? :confused:

God bless you on your faith journey.


#3

Michael:

I also think you are confused about what love is. There are examples of love at first site, but I think most truly fall in love over time. The biggest thing I can share with you, is that love is choice. Why is divorce so high? Because people do not understand this. They do not want to work at their marriage and be faithful to their wedding vows. They fell in love with the looks of the person and not who the person really was.

I say do not rush things. Contact the person if you want to, but do not be too quick to say you love them. Love is a choice, but if you can find someone who is compatible with you, then the choice is so much easier :thumbsup:


#4

Thank you very much for your replies! Well, I suppose I was misunderstood. With “Love” or “Falling in love” I mean the words that most people use when they find a person attractive and very interesting. So much that he / she wants to get to know her / him personally or rather even better.

Michael


#5

Hi Michael… I’m a 23 year old girl, and here’s my advice for you :slight_smile:

try to get to know a girl first and not just look at her physical appearance. You might be surprised at who you’ll meet :slight_smile: and then, if you tell her you’re interested in her, she won’t feel offended that you only like her for her looks. (it seems this has been the problem in the past.)

just my honest opinion. try to be her friend first (without an agenda. just get to know her… look at her personality.)

God bless


#6

You’re fixating so much on women based on what they look like that you’re failing to think of them as real people with real personalities that may or may not be compatible with your own.

This is called objectification and most women will find it offensive. :confused:


#7

true…

it happened to me and I DID find it offensive. some guys don’t realize this…


#8

Yeah, I appreciate a compliment on my appearance as much as the next girl, but I don’t want to be somebody’s trophy bride. I fell in love with my husband because he exhibited a deep understanding of who I am and demonstrated to me that we’re incredibly compatible. If he had started out with “You’re beautiful. I’m in love with you. Let’s mate,” I would’ve run the other way screaming!


#9

Thanks a lot! I highly appreciate your tips and opinions! Don’t worry. I’m not a so-called macho guy. Maybe you even think I like girls who wear high heels, very short skirts, lip gloss and so on. Far from it! I do not like it! I’m interested in her personality and interests, of course. The fact is that you perform a visual check first and then you accost someone. It doesn’t matter which sex you are or which sex you’re attracted to.

I do not care about the color of the hair and the eyes. So, I actually do not have a special type of girl. However, I describe the respective girl that I like as sporty-feminine (not boyish), which means that I have fun with her in the nature, e.g. running, having a walk in the park, visiting a climbing garden or performing a bicycle tour. In addition, talking and listening about various things as well as sharing the beauty and joy of life! Just being together and giving support to each other!

I noticed that most of the girls – there are exceptions, of course – I find attractive match these criteria. There have been girls for example who play volleyball, handball or they skate with their board.

When you know the person awhile that you like, you should talk to him / her clearly about your feelings. Otherwise, there’s the risk that you’re just a good buddy.

Michael


#10

ac·cost (-kôst, -kst)
tr.v. ac·cost·ed, ac·cost·ing, ac·costs

  1. To approach and speak to boldly or aggressively, as with a demand or request.
  2. To solicit for sex.

I am going to make sure no one can google a picture of me, “fall in love” with me, and then “accost” me.

Please do not contact anyone, ever, because you found a picture of them. That is highly inappropriate, and truthfully kind of scary. Of course they don’t respond. Either try to find a singles group locally or use an internet dating site. Also, I would suggest seeking professional counseling.


#11

Falling in love with the idea of falling in love is common.

But this isn't really love. It's an obsessive attraction that if it should happen at all even slightly, should happen after marriage, not before, where it destroys any sensible judgement of whether two people are actually compatible or not.

You're too prone towards just enjoying this whole romantic thing, at a time when it destroys the ability to judge whether two people are lastingly compatible. You need to be happy with another person -without- that feeling going on for either of you.

Friendship first in other words.

Abstinence makes one more sensitive to this sort of thing and prone to it when restraint is removed. Once you fall, you fall hard.

This feeling will -not- be there all the time through any marriage. Naive romantic youth think it will be. It never is. You wake up, you have a headache, you feel cranky -- and the romantic feeling just isn't there. And if the marriage is based on feelings rather than actual intellectual agreement, mutual faith in God, and so forth, it will fall apart.

You should guard your heart and keep it pure rather than mentally marrying each girl you find something that draws you to. It's adulterous at best, would your future wife like you thinking about different people this way? Would you like her to?

And what if you are called towards virginity by God? He does prefer it to marriage for those who are capable of it, and grants a higher place in Heaven to those who preserve it -- and you appear capable. :D


#12

It’s kind of like that old line in stalker movies, “All the girls love me. They just don’t know it yet.”


#13

Thank you very much for your suggestions and opinions! I highly appreciate it! I also appreciate your experiences in relationships! I’m serious! However, I can only say, do not worry, things are never as bad as they seem!

@ CAmeliaD
I chose the wrong phrase, sorry. But it’s a social networking Internet platform where people below my age, same age and above my age meet and talking about their hobbies amongst other things.

@ Shin
I do not want to marry her. I mean you have to get to know a person before you become friends. AFTER that you become a couple and then, MAYBE, after your engagement you marry a person.
And about friendship, and feelings in a relationship, I mentioned before what I would like to do. I’m NOT a so-called macho guy!
I do not think that god grants a higher place in Heaven to anyone. He loves everyone the same!

@ Nec5
A stalker? Far from it! A stalker is a person who stalks people! And not a person who asks another person questions about his / her hobbies, profession, making a compliment and so on. And making a second request if he / she doesn’t reply, to make sure if he / she got the message, but then not writing anymore.

I apologize that this thread resulted in misunderstandings! Nevertheless, thank you very much for your tips!
Regards and God bless you,

Michael


#14

I do not think that god grants a higher place in Heaven to anyone. He loves everyone the same!

Purely as a matter of doctrine, it is undeniable for the Catholic – The people in Heaven, in fact, are higher or lower than each other. They each receive different rewards. Just like the angels are in a heavenly hierarchy, each different in power and authority than the next, each beholding more or less of God’s love, so too in Heaven for men, some are deeper in His love, and some less so.

Just as some people in this life love God more than others, so too it is in Heaven. All love according to the fullest capacity there they have, but that capacity is more or less than anyone else’s, and greater or less, depending on how much they loved God on earth.

It is also dogma that the religious life, and the life of the virgin, are preferred by God to the secular state, and married life, in and of themselves. Individuals of course, can excel others in one field or the other, but as a matter of state, they are preferred.

If you doubt either of these, feel free to look it up, you will find it is the case. :slight_smile:


#15

I wasn’t really being serious.


#16

A Catholic dates someone they would consider to marry.

First, select women (and over the age 16 it is wise to use the term women, young women or ladies - “girls” smacks of disrespect) to date who share your faith.

Hobbies and sports and body types and personality - that is lower on the list than Faith.

Is she a practicing Catholic? If yes then proceede.


#17

@ kage_ar
Please, excuse me. I mean women, of course! :-O I do not know which denomination she belongs to. However, I do not care if she’s a Catholic or Protestant.

Michael


#18

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