Doing battle in house over porn


#1

hi,
i have just joined and i am looking for some scriptures and ideas to help me change my husbands views on porn…

we have been married almost seven years… and throughout our marriage the issue of pornagraphy has come up… he isnt Catholic and wasnt really raised a religion but I think :confused: he is interested in becoming Catholic. his parents didnt go to church when he was growing up…they are southern Baptists. he goes to mass with me But some of his views differ from the Church so this is holding him back from doing RCIA

anyway the problems with pornography in our household have recently been drudged up by me again… after i found stuff in the history file. We had talked about this before we bought the computer because we had had other problems with cable movies and videos…so he said he wasnt going to look at porn images on the web and he promised… this is when i found it in history over 35 different sites in a week. When i brought this up he said I cant monitor what he does with his body and it isn’t such a big of a deal… and when i told him that i dont want that stuff in our house. he made the comment that every man masturbates and looks at other women other than their wife. Is this true??? I cant think that there are no men left that dont.I was very upset and told him that it disgusts me and it hurts me… I brought up his promise and we fought some more. he ended up leaving and then coming home. Which he has only done one other time. When he came home he said he couldn’t promise he would never look at it again but he would try his best. He reassured he loved me and wanted to keep our marriage together. but he said he couldnt forget me looking at him and telling him it disgusts me. He told me that hurts him, that I view him that way. He admitted it was his sin and he needed my support not critiisism. Now about 2 great weeks have past… and now i found some more videos on the history.only four this time … this time they are not as explicit but are of college girls and women in suductive clothes… but i brought it up and i admit i was angry, I told him that I was tired of fighting this fight and it not going away. I told him that I can forgive him but if it doesn’t stop I wont put up with it… I dont want to get a divorce but I am absolutely not giving in anymore… he accused me of not letting anything go… I feel that i could move on but it just keeps coming into view. well he told me he doesn’t have the problem that i do. He said that I have low self-esteem and this is the reason I have this issue. I am not ugly but i dont look like the women he is looking at. he left and stayed the night at his cousins…this is the worst fight we have had and I am afraid that divorce is near. I just know that I cant take the fighting over it anymore… were supposed to talk tonight when he comes home… Just need to write and get some support before the battle.:o To come to a point… I think we are supposed to be One Body in our marriage and this really upsets me. I feel i need to give him a choice Me or that.??? but am scared if he chooses that…

prayers needed
cwgrlfaith


#2

The age twenty-something daughter of a family friend became very “involved” / taken in by sex, drugs and rock and roll… rap, actually.

Nice family.

Eventually, she turned to prostitution. Had a child by one of her “customers” or her pimp.

The mother about went out of her mind from all this.

Before the girl turned 30, she suffered a stroke from the drugs and who knows what else.

After being in a coma for a few weeks, the twenty-something girl died.

Just a few months ago.

The mother was so upset, that she also stroked. And died.

My friend is now the sole “parent” of his “grandchild”.

So, suggest that your husband, when he looks at the photos of those girls. consider this true story …

… consider that the girls in the pictures may now already be dead.

Ask him to say a prayer for their souls and that God may have mercy on them.


#3

I have brought up the industry and the negative way it affect people… my husband is a moral man, he always does things morally right in situations. he upholds the law except when it comes to his lead foot. :wink: he told me one time that it isnt a substitution for it is in addition to (referring to our sexlife) and I was truly shocked. i feel that it is his almost non existant christian upbringing that has made his views this way. I need scriptures and quotes and resources to support my views. I have suggested talking to a priest and having marriage counceling and he balked at that. I am at a wits end…
cwgrlfaith


#4

I don’t think scripture will affect him. I mean, the gospel quotes Christ Himself saying that any man who looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already committed adultery. On some deep level your husband knows he shouldn’t be looking at these women.

By the way, certainly you don’t look like these women in the pictures. But guess what? THEY don’t even look like the women in the pictures. They are airbrushed and specially lit and their bodies digitally stretched, enhanced, thinned out, etc. He isn’t even looking at real women.

I suggest you put a photo of yourself taped to the computer. If he can look at those pictures with your picture right there, then he really has a problem.

Ask him how he’d feel if you were looking at pictures of men and comparing how well he stacks up to the men in porn pictures. I bet the shoe would pinch if it were on the other foot.

No, not every man downloads porn and plays with himself. Some have grown up.


#5

cwgrl,

I’d suggest that you deal with the problem not to prove to him that it is wrong (the scriptures and quotes) because it seems to me that he already knows that. He’s told you it is an addiction…I think you should deal with it as such.

Cancel your internet or at the very least ask him if he’ll agree to filters that you have the password for. If he’s sincere about helping your marriage, he’ll agree to this.

As far as other resources are concerned, there are lots of posts on here (do a search on porn on this forum) that will probably lead you to some great books and websites.

God bless,

kevinsgirl :slight_smile:


#6

Sorry to hear you’re going thru this. I don’t really have much advice. I went through this same exact thing 4 times in my house last yr. We got married 16 months ago, and found on the computer history he’d been looking at porn right after we had internet installed (so about a wk or so from our wedding) :frowning: I confronted him all 4 times and the first 2 he denied, I left the house for a few hrs and then he admitted them. Then the 3rd time I told him this wasn’t Christian at all, and that it was demaeaning to women and that it made me feel as though I wasn’t woman enough for him. I told him he broke my heart and crushed my view of him. I always saw him as a great “clean” Christian guy, until I found this so many times on the computer.

He promised all 4 times he wouldn’t do it again, and the 4th time has been true. I left all 4 times, and until his sisters found out he was doing this, he stopped. I think he was more embarrassed that his sisters found out than that I found out.

Why don’t you get a filter or cancel the internet? I put a password on the computer (at DH’s request) so he couldn’t access many sites w/o my password. He could only check his email, but even then, to open his messages he needed my password. It became too annoying so I took the password off, so he did it the 2nd & 3rd time. The 4th time I was about to cancel the net, he even suggested I do that, but I don’t want to cancel it. I pay my bills that way, and soon, I won’t have internet access at work, so I’d need the net at home.

I couldn’t trust him for the longest time, he’s not Catholic, so he never confessed this problem to anyone but me, so I don’t know if he’s even sorry he did this. I think he was because he loves me and is trying his best at keeping our marriage together, but the trust is not as it used to be.

Maybe you can compromise on something, maybe using the net only when you’re around? Have you thought about seeking help for this issue? Have you talked to him about how it started? My husband started back in elementary school, and he never told me this before we married. :frowning: Some men can get over it, some need help, some don’t get over it. Seek help. I know how painful it can be. I found really nasty pictures and hardcore videos so many times, it grossed me out even by reading the names of the videos.

Hope the 2 of you can work this out. You mentioned divorce, is it that bad that you’d rather get a divorce? Have you gone to a marriage encounter, to a priest, a spiritual director? Have you heard of Retrouvaille?

You’re in my prayers.


#7

I have fought this battle and I’ll pray for you. I don’t know what to suggest for you to do other than pray. Try not to by accusing. Society tells men that this is normal and ok. It can be hard to adjust that mindset. I picked up pamphlets at church about sexual addiction and chastity within marriage and brought it home. He did read them. And keep in mind that just because you’re not finding these sites in the history folder, doesn’t mean he’s not looking. Every time I’d reveal to my husband how I was seeing what he was doing, he’d get smarter and cover his tracks. I’m not proud of it, but I finally bought one of those hidden programs that takes snapshots of what’s on the computer every few seconds. Then no matter what he deleted, I still kept track. Things have been much better lately. I can’t tell you what exactly will work with your husband or how much time it will take, but you’re not alone.


#8

While I understand the problem, I think there may be something wrong with you monitoring the history files like you’ve done.

He needs to deal with his addiction and you can help him with that by being extra loving and attuned to his physical needs. Being the computer policewoman won’t help with that. At least confronting him with the facts you’ve discovered won’t.

Have compassion and realize it’s a two-way street.

Respectfully, in Christ,
mp


#9

i havent been monitoring the computer. In fact i trusted him when we got it that he wouldn’t bring this stuff in the house through the computer. In fact, my younger sister found it on the scroll down part and asked me about it. I was soooooooooo embarrassed. this last time i was looking for a website i had visited that i needed to print an article for school and had lost the address. and that is when i found it. now how can i not check it.???what could . as far as the counceling he is so against it. thanks for the advice. keep it coming.


#10

I’m sorry but I disagree. If this problem existed in videos and such, she has all the right to check the history of her computer. He is doing this to her marriage!

He needs to deal with his addiction and you can help him with that by being extra loving and attuned to his physical needs. Being the computer policewoman won’t help with that. At least confronting him with the facts you’ve discovered won’t.

Yes, she needs to be loving, but he’s doing this to her. It makes you feel as though you’re not woman enough for your husband. It’s disgusting what he said to her, that a man needs to masturbate to other women’s pictures? That doesn’t sound right to me! Being the “policewoman” as you called her, it DOES help. He should be ashamed to bring this type of behavior to his house. His wife deserves 100% faithfulness. This doesn’t mean she’s not trying to help him. That IS helping him. It made my husband stop looking at porn because he know I can check even on hidden files on the computer, not just the history - that’s the good thing about being more computer savvy than him.

Comfronting DOES help. If she hadn’t confront him, he’d be doing this all the time and instead of just finding 4 more things on the computer, she could’ve found 35 more. At least her husband can see she knows and that she’s keeping on eye on this. It’s her marriage this is ruining.

Have compassion and realize it’s a two-way street

. Can you tell me how it’s a 2 way street? She’s trying to make this stop because it’s hurting her, it’s hurting him, and it’s hurting their marriage. For God’s sake, if they have children, what if they found this on the computer? What then? How would you explain to a child that their dad is looking at these sites and still expect them to stay away from them?

You have it all wrong martinporres, I don’t think you have lived this, and if you have, pardon me for this, but were you the one looking? Because if you were, then that is why you believe this way, many men don’t think it hurts a woman, but it does, it deeply hurts her. cwgrlfaith has all the right in the world to confront him and to keep on eye on him. It’s her duty as his wife.


#11

Pray lots. Make sure you don’t put him down, don’t attack him, be loving and tell him you’ll help him thru this, but that he needs to promise you that he won’t do it again. My DH stopped and began rading the Bible more often. He barely gets on the computer any more. He rather do some exercise, cook, take the dog for a walk, or spend time with me.

What about the Retrouvaille? It’s not counseling, it’s a way to help you communicate better w/your spouse and believe me, it works wonders. www.retrouvaille.org


#12

Yessisan, without engaging your ad hominem, I’ll simply say we disagree. Marriage is a two-way street. Infidelity and sins against chastity are not always the sole fault of a single party. Without implication to OP (please understand that, cwgrlfaith!): to assume the wife who finds pornography on her husband’s computer is doing all she can to help her husband is not prudent or fair. And my post suggesting she also look at her method is completely valid – frankly your post offends me. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt though since your last post is full of generous and charitable commentary. :slight_smile:

In Christ,
mp


#13

Our OP asked for Bible passages to show her husband. These should get you started - in Matthew Jesus defines adultery, and here are a few other New Testament passages dealing with adultery (I used the KJV):


Matthew 5
27. Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28. But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Romans 13
9. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
10. Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

Galatians 5
19. Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
20. Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
21. Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

2 Peter 2
9. The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:
10. But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities.
11. Whereas angels, which are greater in power and might, bring not railing accusation against them before the Lord.
12. But these, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed, speak evil of the things that they understand not; and shall utterly perish in their own corruption;
13. And shall receive the reward of unrighteousness, as they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you;
14. Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children:
15. Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness;


#14

I wasn’t trying to offend you, and if I did, I apologize. I wasn’t saying marriage isn’t a 2way street. I thought you were saying that because she did something wrong that her husband decided to look into porn. I thought you were blaming her for his actions.

I went through this same problem with my husband, and I know it was my confrontation that made him stop. I don’t think it was my fault for his immoral behavior. I’m pretty sure I just misunderstood you, and again, I apologize.


#15

You also asked for resources? (Non Catholic, right?)

Focus on the Family family.org/lifechallenges/A000000208.cfm


#16

And here are more articles from a good Catholic site.

dads.org/article_category.asp?artCatId=18


#17

I don’t have much in the way of advice, but I will tell you there ARE men who do not masturbate, and there ARE men who don’t look at other women. My boyfriend is one of them. He used to masturbate, but has kicked the habit. He also has eyes for no other woman but me. When we went to a Catholic dance once, his eyes never left my face the entire time we were on the dance floor. When we went for a walk on the harbor-front in the city where he lives, to see the Canada Day fireworks, I commented on the number of women in skimpy tanktops, etc. He said, “What? I didn’t see any of them.” He was being totally honest, I could tell. He just didn’t notice anyone else except me. I thank God everyday for bringing a man like this into my life. I hope and pray that we’ll get married someday, ASAP after I graduate.
I am sorry that your husband doesn’t seem to be a man like my bf yet, but I pray that he does become one someday!


#18

cwgrlfaith,

Have you tried making sacrifices for him?

Freda


#19

We are taught to obey God’s Commandments. They help us to live a morally good life. It isn’t true that every man masturbates while looking at other women other then his wife. I’m sure there are many good men who are very faithful. As Catholic’s, we are taught to not look at pornography or to masturbate. When we do these things we are breaking God’s commandments. These are grave sins. We should go to confession first before receiving Holy Communion if we commit these grave sins. I don’t think your issue has anything to do with low self-esteem. I think your trying to do the right thing. This is his problem and he should stop looking at this stuff. It might be a good idea to talk your pastor about this. Pray for your husband. My prayers are with you.

What is a Mortal Sin?
saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html
Guide to Making a Good Confession
youth.stbrons.com/Prayers/guide_to_confession.htm


#20

We are taught to obey God’s Commandments. They help us to live a morally good life. It isn’t true that every man masturbates while looking at other women other then his wife. I’m sure there are many good men who are very faithful. As Catholic’s, we are taught to not look at pornography or to masturbate. When we do these things we are breaking God’s commandments. These are grave sins. We should go to confession first before receiving Holy Communion if we commit these grave sins. I don’t think your issue has anything to do with low self-esteem. I think your trying to do the right thing. This is his problem and he should stop looking at this stuff. It might be a good idea to talk your pastor about this. Pray for your husband. My prayers are with you.

What is a Mortal Sin?
saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html
Guide to Making a Good Confession
youth.stbrons.com/Prayers/guide_to_confession.htm


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