Doing battle in house over porn


#21

In this way we know that we love the children of God when we love God and obey his commandments. For the love of God is this, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome, for whoever is begotten by God conquers the world. And the victory that conquers the world is our faith. 1 John 5:2-4

We are taught to obey God’s Commandments. They help us to live a morally good life. It isn’t true that every man masturbates while looking at other women other then his wife. I’m sure there are many good men who are very faithful. As Catholic’s, we are taught to not look at pornography or to masturbate. When we do these things we are breaking God’s commandments. These are grave sins. We should go to confession first before receiving Holy Communion if we commit these grave sins. I don’t think your issue has anything to do with low self-esteem. I think your trying to do the right thing. This is his problem and he should stop looking at this stuff. It might be a good idea to talk your pastor about this. Pray for your husband. My prayers are with you.

What is a Mortal Sin?
saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html
Guide to Making a Good Confession
youth.stbrons.com/Prayers/guide_to_confession.htm


#22

We are taught to obey God’s Commandments. They help us to live a morally good life. It isn’t true that every man masturbates while looking at other women other then his wife. I’m sure there are many good men who are very faithful. As Catholic’s, we are taught to not look at pornography or to masturbate. When we do these things we are breaking God’s commandments. These are grave sins. We should go to confession first before receiving Holy Communion if we commit these grave sins. I don’t think your issue has anything to do with low self-esteem. I think your trying to do the right thing. This is his problem and he should stop looking at this stuff. It might be a good idea to talk your pastor about this. Pray for your husband. My prayers are with you.

What is a Mortal Sin?
saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html
Guide to Making a Good Confession
youth.stbrons.com/Prayers/guide_to_confession.htm


#23

I have never done an “investigation” or research on the porn industry.

But from time to time, I have heard such things as this:

  • it is a multi-billion dollar industry.

  • it is run by organized crime aka “Mafia” ]

  • that it is or was centered around Northridge, California [site of a massive earthquake a few years ago

  • that it is so dominant that it was responsible for the selection of VHS over Betamax [ Betamax refused to give the porn industry its superior technology ]

  • that it dominates the internet.

The imagery of being in league with such a powerful criminal enemy, coupled with the imagery of young women dying of drugs and the imagery of people afflicted with various sexually transmitted diseases … should have some impact on men who watch pornography.

When I was younger and in the miitary, there were photographs commonly circulated of men and women who were suffering from sexually transmitted diseases… ghastly sores and ulcers on their faces and other areas of their bodies.

Basically untreatable and fatal.

Perhaps these images should be widely circulated on the internet so that men who “enjoy” porn might have their enjoyment tempered by reality.


#24

Is porn really a male-specific problem? This is said by both the lookers, the way they defend themselves, and those who hate it. However, the fact is, most lookers are male, most models/actors are female. Wouldn’t anyone, though, try and rationalise it so that it didn’t look bad? Those are the typical arguments, that it harms no one, that models/actors consent, that the spouses aren’t affected etc etc. Typical rationalisations. The person who uses them doesn’t probably really believe in them. I’m not sure how debunking those rationalisations could work, since sometimes if you shred apart people’s excuses, they see the problem with their actions. And sometimes they just cling to the excuse you deny them.

martinporres >> I agree with you marriage works both ways, but I have sort of a problem with the idea the wife of a porn-watching husband should become more attuned to his physical needs so as to win his attention back. You probably meant it only so that he isn’t unsatisfied and thus vulnerable to temptation, but all in all, I think getting good sex from the wife is not an answer and it’s quite demeaning for the woman. I’m male and can’t imagine fighting for a hypothetical porn-watching wife’s attention that way. I would feel used, objectified, made into a tool and inanimate object. It’s good to approach problems at their core and root and eliminate the cause, but justice is there for a reason.

yessisan >> I think I have a problem with the idea of checking someone’s history and the like. It’s not like I’ve never done that on anyone, but for a long time now I haven’t. It just doesn’t feel right. I would never cheat, but I would never meet any request for my password for control reasons. As in, my computer profile is not even password-protected and it’s not like some people don’t know my password from the occasion of checking my mail for me or needing my auction account or something, but asking me for my password without needing it would only meet with a long, meaningful look. :wink: It’s just not done, same as controlling someone’s correspondence. Now, it’s a different thing when the person is struggling with a real addiction and asking for our help. Or when we already have some evidence and/or clues. Perhaps it matters how private the computer and the user profile is. I could probably end up checking out someone’s profile on a computer I owned or jointly owned, if I had some evidence, but let’s say it were a hypothetical wife’s private or company laptop. I would feel bad about looking. Being a cop won’t really work… or maybe it will, it’s probably better than inaction, anyway, but it just doesn’t feel right. We don’t have police authority, we aren’t judges, we aren’t superiors or anything. They will answer, but not before us.

However, I don’t like the defence that “you shouldn’t be looking” or “you shouldn’t have found that”.


#25

I have the same issue here. My husband does not use the computer, so that is not an issue. He was renting pay-per-view movies which I had a cow over because he said he did it “because he was mad at me” and at $25 a movie or so, we could ill afford it. Not to mention the ick factor, and the possibility of the kids seeing anything. So I blocked on the cable those shows with that rating. So then he starts ‘borrowing’ movies from his brother. My three year old found one under the couch, and I stepped on one under the carpet last week. Praise God the 9 or 12 year olds didn’t find any.

When confronted, he says “it is my issue” (poor self esteem or body image, I guess) and I have to deal with it.

I am trying to pray, but am very discouraged and depressed.:crossrc:


#26

You might find what this lady has to say inspirational!

shelleylubben.com/

Men are visually stimulated but not all men do those things. Porn objectifies someones mother, someones sister, someones daughter. When you understand that they are real people you don’t want to look at those images.

I hope this works out for you, I’m sure it will!

God bless

Mark.


#27

To answer the OP, no all men do not do this.

Let your husband know this…90% of people in the porn industry were sexually abused as children.

He is watching people who are suffering terrible trauma from their childhood. Girls who were raped, beaten and tortured. Very often at the hands of those who were supposed to love them. Yes, even their fathers and mothers.

Do you have children? Maybe a daughter? If so, ask him if he would like her in that industry.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh but most don’t understand why a woman would do that to herself. Many say they are just watching an act that the woman freely chooses to commit. That is not true. They are continuing a cycle of abuse that was not of their choosing. Their childhoods were robbed from them. The trust they put in their caretakers was betrayed. They were taught that their only use in life was for sex. They became an object to be abused again and again.

Let him know who he is watching. There is a organization for people like your husband. It is like AA. I don’t recall the name but just search “sex addiction” on your computer.

God bless you and I’ll remember your family in my prayers.


#28

THe only reason why I put the password was because DH asked me to do it. He told me he has/had an addiction to it since childhood. His friends introduced him to porn when he was about 10 yrs old, and continued up to last yr. That should’ve been something to tell me before we married, but he thought having me at home would be enough for him not to want to do this. He said at his sister’s house (where he lived before we married), he used to not even go to work just to watch porn videos. And the only reason I was looking at the history at our home computer is because I was looking for a website I had accessed before and couldn’t remember the name, and to my surprise, I found tons of porn related sites. That same day I was going to download some music and the music program was still downloading more videos. He was asking to be caught. Then I had to look at the history because it hurt me a lot when I found this. I had to make sure I got rid of that. I didn’t and still don’t want that in my house. I find it demeaning, sickening, and it made me feel less of a woman because we were newlyweds. I mean, a month after our wedding? That just made me feel as though he needed something else than his own new bride. It felt as though I was being stepped on and spat on. I felt betrayed, hurt, disillusioned. If you were in our shoes, you would want to take care of the problem right away. So, every now and then I’d check the history. Now I don’t even bother because he doesn’t use the net much, but from March to June, he was on disability and alone at home and I just had to make sure. He asked me to check on him, he asked for my help. I did tell him though that if I found it again, our marriage wouldn’t last much longer. It’s been about 9 months since the last time he did it, except for when he bought a sexual ringtone, which I asked him to delete from his phone…

And I did ask him what if those girls were your future daughters? What if they were your sisters or your mother, how would you feel? I’m pretty sure he was very embarrassed and feels badly about it. I just hope I never find that again, but he repeatedly asks I cancel the internet. Thank God we only have basic cable at home, otherwise he would watch it on tv.

However, I don’t like the defence that “you shouldn’t be looking” or “you shouldn’t have found that”.

I don’t either. It only gives an excuse for the person doing it and puts the blame on the person who finds it. The same thing would apply to someone who comes back early from work or a trip and finds his/her spouse in bed w/someone else and them saying “Well, you weren’t supposed to be here early, it’s your fault you found us like this”… It’s wrong, it’s immoral, it shouldn’t have happened. Just my :twocents:


#29

You took the words right out of my mouth. It is his addiction, his illness. “For better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health.”

I don’t think you need to give him an ultimatum. I think you need to focus on you. Focus on loving your husband through this illness, and become totally dependent on Christ. Hand this burden to Christ. Ask Our Blessed Mother to watch over your home and to lead your husband in the right direction. This may take days or years. All in God’s time. If you need someone to talk to about it, go to your priest.

I think you need to stop checking and bringing it up. You do not want to be his mother, but his spouse, his better half. :slight_smile:

I do suggest that you put on your desktop a picture of the Holy Family, make up a screen saver of Holy pictures. I keep a statue on top of the monitor of Our Blessed Mother. Perhaps since he is not Catholic a statue of Our Lord may deter him. But do not check up on him any more. I also keep Holy Water in our home and bless the house often. Also, purchase a Holy Water font and bless yourself and your dh often. You can bless him while he is asleep. :sleep:

I do not know if you have ever thought about looking at it this way, but perhaps God choose this spouse for you so that you could help him. Your husband needs uncondtional love. It is a sad cross that he must bare … his cross being his addiction to porn. He needs to know that you love him regardless of the sin he commits. I am not saying this is easy sweetie, but love him, he is yours from God.

You know the devil is behind all of this, and the porn is the smaller sin compared to breaking up a union that God has blessed.


#30

If he is willing to read, I would suggest “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. This truly opened my eyes to the beauty of my wife and how I should honor and respect her body with my entire body, that includes what I look at and what I think about.

He is dead wrong to say that “all guys do this” (can you see me jumping up and down) here is one that does not. Not saying that I have not in the past, but that is just it the past. Having lived though it, I can tell you that when you are there, you do not see the harm, or you do not WANT to see the harm that this is causing to you and your wife (or future wife). You ignore it.

(I know women have this problem too, but she is asking about her husband, I am a guy, what do you expect?)

Anyway, I do not think, based on your description of the situation that you are denying the marital embrace and he is using this as a means to “satisfy his needs” so to speak. And when he says that this is a part of those relations, how?

I think that what you are running into here is a situation where you are hurt by what he is doing (which you should be, and rightfully so) and he just does not care that it is making you feel this way. How can you feel anything more than an object to him? Wondering what he is thinking about when you two are intimate. That is not fair to you and he should be much more considerate of you feelings at the very least.

Pornography can be a hard addiction to break and it is causing the breakdown of so many marriages. What can you do? Be supportive. Pray. Try to help in whatever way you can. Be his source of strength to get through this. If that means that you have to get a filter, then so be it. Isn’t it worth it? Passwords. Go to the properties of your internet explorer and change the settings, maybe he will not know how to fix it?

I do not think that you are wrong to feel the way that you do and to be hurt by this. Again, he has admitted his faults and failings, and 4 is much less than 35. Atleast it is a step in the right direction.

God bless!


#31

A far more militant approach is called for than this one… We aren’t talking about a man who leaves his socks on the floor, we are talking to a man who is on a certain path to spiritual death. This man, nor the OP, doesn’t have “days and years” to dwell in this sin. Immediate action is required for two reasons: first, this man is drowning in serious sin and needs immediate intervention and second, the OP cannot stand by and just bear a cross, she’s already bearing a cross that no wife should have to carry. This condition is a cancer of the soul and must be treated with same urgency that one would treat cancer of the body. The OP must do everything in her power to completely block his access to pornography immediately and work on overcoming the addiction. Cell phones, iPods, cable TV, whatever can host a pornographic image must be confiscated. Addicts are always. always, always, tempted to be very dishonest and lie because the addiction is so powerful, it seeks to surround itself with lies. Not that the addict wants to lie, but that the temptation is there constantly. This is a very difficult addiction to break. The last thing an addict wants to do is change. So the OP must change the environment of the addict in order to compel him to change. This includes demanding counseling or other form treatment. Many addicts, including porn addicts, are experiencing some level of depression. A professional can help establish his psycological condition, which is undoubtably impaired due to the length of time he has been viewing porn. Please do not think that meeting with a priest is the only solution. A good first step but if the priest is not trained or experienced with this matter he will probably give advice that doesn’t fully address the complexity of this issue. Being very clear about boundaries and expectations is also important. The OP is not at all responsible for her husband’s behavior at all but by her actions and prayers his soul might be saved. She must be relentless about the state of his soul. This problem will not go away by itself. He will “use” his drug of choice, pornography, again as soon as he finds the opportunity to do so. Don’t forget Mary’s words at Fatima. Countless souls are falling into hell. No one can simply stand by and pray that the porn addict will change on their own. It won’t happen. But with God, anything is possible.


#32

I forgot:

www.pornnomore.com

www.trueknights.org

www.settingcaptivesfree.com

www.christopherwest.com

www.dads.org

www.pureloveclub.com where he can order this new CD

Pure of Heart: Breaking Free from Porn
By Jason Evert
This new 5-disc CD set provides ten strategies to help men to conquer in their daily temptations with lust, with special emphasis on breaking free from pornography. It also features meditations read by Fr. Stan Fortuna, one of which is a powerful homily Pope John Paul II delivered to college men, long before he became pope. If you, or someone you love, struggles with pornography or simply lust in general, these CDs will be a blessing in your battle with temptation.


#33

I’m a little shocked by some of the comments on this thread. The wife is supposed to help her husband by making more sacrifices, trying harder… blah blah blah… WHAT!!!

If this were an alcoholic and she was finding Stoli bottles in the sofa cushions, would you give her that advice? Would you imply that it’s her fault he’s drinking? (He’d love that, by the way, an outsider to agree with him that other people make him do what he does.)

What he is doing is pathological. And like the lab rat with the lever in the experiment, eventually he will need to up the dosage of whatever for his brain synapses to get the same reaction. Porn is a downward spiral, and it leads to the pit of hell. It’s a cancer to a marriage. Eventually the wife will be asked to do stuff that is way outside her comfort level because she is unwittingly being asked to play out her husband’s sex fantasies that are being generated in the swamp of online porn.

Every rapist and every sex offender ever interviewed blamed porn for starting and feeding his criminal behavior. It’s a game of Russian Roulette. Are you absolutely sure none of the men in your life have the hidden mental issues that won’t be sparked to life by porn in its increasingly degrading forms.

Let me tell you how it ends up, even if it doesn’t go that far. A teenage daughter trying to stop the computer from turning itself off with viruses going through and cleaning out files on the anti-virus and coming across pictures of girls a year or two older than herself with horrible comments to them from her own father! You cannot imagine the anger and disgust that has entered the relationship. Is the father ashamed? No. He smirked when confronted with the fact she knew he was downloading porn. He has no idea she knows WHAT he downloads and who he is talking to.

CupofKindness has it right.

And for the record… some men you cannot love through this “illness”. But they can drag you down completely if you try.


#34

Wonderful post!! :thumbsup:


#35

1 Corinthians 7:13

13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife,


#36

Ummm. No. Speaking from experience, I was once pretty addicted to porn and that other activity. I have been married for nearly 8 years, and only participated in that other activity once since I’ve been married, and that was within the first month or so. So, NO, not all of us do that.

Now about 2 great weeks have past… and now i found some more videos on the history.only four this time … this time they are not as explicit but are of college girls and women in suductive clothes… but i brought it up and i admit i was angry, I told him that I was tired of fighting this fight and it not going away. I told him that I can forgive him but if it doesn’t stop I wont put up with it…

Porn addiction is VERY difficult to overcome. Once you’re hooked, it’s very very very hard to look away. It’s something that needs time and patience, and understanding.

2 weeks is not much time.

I dont want to get a divorce but I am absolutely not giving in anymore… he accused me of not letting anything go… I feel that i could move on but it just keeps coming into view. well he told me he doesn’t have the problem that i do. He said that I have low self-esteem and this is the reason I have this issue. I am not ugly but i dont look like the women he is looking at. he left and stayed the night at his cousins…this is the worst fight we have had and I am afraid that divorce is near. I just know that I cant take the fighting over it anymore… were supposed to talk tonight when he comes home… Just need to write and get some support before the battle.:o To come to a point… I think we are supposed to be One Body in our marriage and this really upsets me. I feel i need to give him a choice Me or that.??? but am scared if he chooses that…

prayers needed
cwgrlfaith

Ultimatums are not good.

This will take time, and hard work. He does need to understand what’s important to him, and you. And if it’s important to you, he needs to understand that it’s important to him too.

I’ll say a prayer for you…


#37

Are you saying that Our Blessed Mother would not suggest ‘prayer?’

I have strong faith that ‘prayer’ does work. I can not speak for Our Blessed Mother but I’m fairly certain, She would agree.

Matthew 6:18-34

**18 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
31
So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or 'What are we to wear?'
32
All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
33
But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, 19 and all these things will be given you besides.
34
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil. **


#38

Ok, here are my two cents to the OP:

First of all, your husband is wrong when he says there is no man out there that doesn’t look at porn and masturbate…my husband does not do that stuff…he has eyes only for me…and there are many more men out there that are not that shallow as well…he does men a disservice by saying that.

Second, he seems to think that porn is harmless, but everytime he looks at that stuff, *HE IS CHEATING ON YOU!!! I don’t have the bible passage in front of me, but Jesus said that if a man even just look at another woman lustfully, he commits adultery within his heart. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND INTERVENTION IS NEEDED. When my brother was having problems with porn, my mom got rid of the computer. Either cancel your internet or get rid of the computer. Also, as mentioned in the bible and i don’t have the passage in front of me, Jesus said that if a man’s hand causes him to sin, cut it off, or if his eye is the problem, pluck it out…in other words, if the internet is the problem, GET RID OF IT! Better that he be ped off at you for getting rid of it then his soul to continue to dwell in that filth.

Third, I would suggest something like retrovaille (i’m sure that’s spelled wrong…) b/c, as stated, he is unfaithful to you. You do not have a self-esteem problem dear, do not blame this on yourself…it’s not b/c you are not pretty enough or anything like that…so cast those thoughts aside. It’s an addiction that he is suffering from and a serious one…more souls go to hell for sins of the flesh then any other and he’s on the fast track to hell unless something is done.

I will offer many prayers for you as I can’t even imagine the pain you are suffering from. God Bless! :hug3:


#39

Talk to a priest and prehaps a professional therapist. The best we can do is offer prayers and listen. But you are getting a mixed bag of advice here. Some imprudent, some impractical, and all of it based on not enough context to render an authoritative judgement on what to do. You need less confusion, not more.


#40

Hi.

It’s been 3 days since you’ve posted this topic.

I thought this would help.

www.pureloveclub.com (Religious)

www.pureloveclub.net (Secular)

Under chastity Q&A, there is a section about pornography.

I wish I could send you this CD that i received from Jason Evert.

It’s called “PURE OF HEART” It contains 5 CD’s that helps men overcome lust and pornography.

I think you can order it
pureloveclub.com/store/index.php?id=17

I’ll be praying for you!


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