Domineering a turn on? Question for women


So in a book, “Taking Sex Differences Seriously,” the author, Dr. Steve Rhoads, says that studies suggest women find men who are strong, proactive and domineering (not in the sense of abusive, but playful control) are turn ons for women (they find this attractive). I was wondering if this might go with Christopher West’s talking about masculinity being initiator’s of the gift and femininity as being receptive to the gift and returning love. So I am asking women (and any men who may have experience with this from their wives) to say whether they find playful domineering (not abusive or manipulating) as a physical and/or emotional turn on.


Sure I do. But that also goes along with the knowledge that I can trust my husband to never be abusive. If I didn’t trust him, aside from the fact that I would hope I wouldn’t have married him, I certainly wouldn’t find any display of domineering behavior attractive.


No, I definitely would not find “playful domineering” to be attractive in any way. In fact, I would be wary of any man who has that characteristic.


Um, no, not a turn on at all, especially the Christopher West sentiment expressed above. Ick.


I prefer a man who considers me his equal, treats me with love and respect, and who doesn’t feel he has anything to “prove”.


I’m not sure what you mean by playfully domineering. That sounds like teasing to me. I hate teasing.

I prefer a man who considers me his indispensable complement, not his equal, and who loves, cherishes and respects me and takes me seriously. It is important that he be strong and able to protect me. I think if I had married a man who was shorter than me and not at all muscular, I would feel very vulnerable and not very safe.


no,no way, not ever, not no how. In charge? absolutely yes.


I totally agree. Men and women are each others helpmates and men have the final say. Men who are controling are a turn off. Men who are TRUE leaders are attractive/appealing. Men who know God’s Will and follow God’s Will as best as they are able are men that most (if not all) God loving women find appealing and desire to marry.


Why ask us? The only opinion that matters is that of your spouse. The only exception I would make to that is someone who is turned on by what is objectively immoral, abusive, or demeaning treatment, that kind of thing. Those problems deserve some time in counselling, but otherwise, it is between husband and wife to decide the exactly how their physical intimacy is going to reflect their mutual self-giving.

A wife who initiates physical intimacy would not fall in the category of a problem that needs treatment, for instance–not by a long shot! A spouse who insists on controlling everything probably would, unless their partner enjoys that or feels there is some other benefit to having a “cruise director.” As I said, it depends on how the couple chooses to meld their differences.


Sorry its kinda hard to explain and the word domineering has really bad negative conotations. I mean more, a husband who is a very loving and trusting guy who makes all the sacrifices in the world for his wife, but is strong, figure with broad shoulders, who is proactive, goal oriented, independent, trendsetters, and somewhat assertive, but not dominating towards his wife. Are these powerful conotations somewhat of a turn on emotionally and/or physcially attractive (or say a husband all of a sudden picking his wife up in his arms and kissing her of big strong hugs from behind). Kinda like the strong romantic hero of many romance novels who takes control of situations, but always care for the heroine.
I am sorry it did come out confusing… no wife would want a guy who “dominates” her I totally agree. Thanks, I ask others to see if this stuff I read seems true or needs tweaking (or maybe I just do not understand what they are saying).


<PAlso, when I was talking masculinity feminity traits, men and women have both, just slanted more towards one then the other so yes a woman who initiates physical affection and intercourse is not a problematic woman.  To be somewhat more blunt, say you have a loving husband who goes over to his wife and picks her up in his arms and walks upstairs (lets say the wife really wasnt busy and this isn’t interfering with anything) is this more of a turn on than say a husband who walks up and asks his wife if she wants too.  This isn’t a personal question for me, I was just seeing if this pyschological analysis held true in general for woman.  I am not trying to promote dominating or authoritative husbands at all… man I would hate myself if I was like that.


If you mean do I like that my husband is decisive and proactive, sure I do. On the other hand, I wouldn’t call it a “turn off” if he let me see him being indecisive. I wouldn’t call it a turn off if he asks me what I’d like or decides to leave certain decisions entirely up to me.

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, though:

I was wondering if this might go with Christopher West’s talking about masculinity being initiator’s of the gift and femininity as being receptive to the gift and returning love.

Masculinity, contrary to popular belief, is not the sole domain of males. Just as languages having feminine and masculine genders does not mean that some “feminine” animal has only females and some “masculine” animal has only males, it is also true that God gives women a portion of what are often listed as “masculine” gifts and gives men that which is described as “feminine.” It is totally appropriate for men to be nurturing, for example.

I think it stunts people to ask wives to only develop their feminine gifts and to ask husbands to only exhibit their masculine gifts. I think that is going to distort the marital bond. Yet people talk about marriage as if that were some kind of ideal.

Look at our model, namely Christ and the Church. Does Christ not humble Himself utterly to strengthen the Church? What effort does Christ spare to give himself up for Her and strengthen her? Obviously, the Christian view of a leader is that of a servant. If you are going to see husbands as Christian leaders, you have to define leadership as Christ Himself did. The difference that should also not be forgotten is that Christ does not need anyone to be prophet for him. Husbands do…in that case, I think more of David and Nathan. That someone is the rightful king does not mean that person never needs a prophetic talking to.

Within a model of Christian marriage that properly understands leadership and the concepts of the masculine and the feminine, though, I have no problem with the idea that the roles of husband and wife are distinct. I can tell you who does the leading at our house. I’m just fine with that.


Your second definition of “domineering” was better and makes your point more clear.

Domineering, as a general rule, does not fit your second post on the subject, as “domineering” tends to be synonymous with “controlling”.

I absolutely will NOT put up with a controlling male. They not only give me the creeps, but they make me angry and I have gotten into more than one argument with the boyfriends of my female friends.

As far as wanting to be with a strong man…absolutely. I am not a typical woman, so I have to define “strong” maybe a little differently than others as I think my background has set the bar higher.

(ex-cop, ex-firefighter – somewhere God gave me a backbone and a strong will and via those jobs, I learned about it. Long story, not pertinent to this topic).

It is important to note that I am a single woman, but I do believe that good, strong, spiritual men exist as I happen to know several…unfortunately they’re married to other people and I’m not in love with them, anyway! :stuck_out_tongue:

Seriously, though, I want to know that my man, not only would be a warrior for God, but if there is a noise in the middle of the night, I want to know that he would be the one to get up with the gun or the bat or the frying pan, or even the butane torch, and not leave me to the task. I do not want to be married to a mouse. Now, maybe I have more training than the average woman, more of the “Amazon” in me, and so maybe I need a man who is strong enough to overcome that part of my personality. I will not kowtow to anyone, so the idea of “equality” is a good one in any marriage, but that does not mean that the inherent dignity of each person is erased.

Equality is NOT synonymous with Dignity. Men and women have roles. Fine if maybe they go outside those roles in their professional lives, but in the home, those roles are important. As far as women being receiptive to the gift…I do agree with Christopher West in that matter.

I’m not sure if my description makes any sense, so I’ll clarify as the need arises.


Picking me up, is not bad, as long as I am in the mood for a hug. If I am cleaning the toilet, I might get a bit testy.:stuck_out_tongue:

I am still confused by your definition of dominance. I sometimes walk up behind my husband and pop his rear-not hard, of course- and tell him that I like his bottom. Is that playful domineering? I hope not!

I like to wrestle with my husband, he usually lets me win because we both know that he is the stronger. So, should he make the match less fun between us and prove that he can out wrestle me?

I am sorry, I am easily confused.:confused:


We like a man to be strong in many ways, and we like to see that strength put to use protecting us and caring for us. The playful “dominance” you describe could indeed be nice, as long as the husband doesn’t resort to non-playful dominance if wifey fails to swoon in the way the husband imagined. Play means fun. Respect and consideration for one’s spouse should continue even in play. (BTW, it’s very wise of you to note that a woman probably wouldn’t appreciate that kind of play if she were busy with something important to her–you’re quite right.)

It also really depends on the woman. Someone who was recently assaulted for example might need a more cautious and gentle approach all of the time.


I agree it will show different degrees depending on the woman and sorry again about it being difficult to convey in words online. I guess if we could all read this book by Rhoads that I said in the beginning, we may have a better way to discuss it, but not really possible. Yes the playful loving “dominance” is more what I mean and of course a dominance that still is sensitive to the wife (who may have more important things to do or whatever). I guess I the may point of my thread is to better understand the complimentary of the sexes spiritually, physically, emotionally, ect. To see how traits of one are desirous to the other and how they compliment each other. So maybe we should open the form to that, complimentarity of the sexes in those areas i mentioned.


Hee hee, you just described me, and I’m a fairly girlie girl who insists on having doors opened for her. :slight_smile:

Those can be attractive traits in the right person, used the right way, no matter their sex.

Domineering, in the sense I understand it, not attractive in ANYONE.



Many of the so called “strong” ones are only putting on a front. Usually, the quiet ones who are LOGICAL, when really angry, oh man. Most women complain of machismo, but really seem to like it, sad. This from a 36 year old man.


Many of the so called “strong” ones are only putting on a front. Usually, the quiet ones who are LOGICAL, when really angry, oh man. Most women complain of machismo, but really seem to like it, sad. This from a 36 year old man.


I don’t see how what I said reflects a machista attitude. I like to see strength put to use upholding and defending human dignity. A macho man, on the other hand, puts his strength to use making sure nobody touches “his” woman. I agree that the latter is far more common… but I have faith that men with the former attitude really do exist. As for quiet, logical men… I’ve seen those types be just as abusive as any jockish brute. They just go about it in a different way. I don’t think that a man’s natural temperament is a reliable indication of his level of holiness.

Women don’t like to be treated badly. But I think you’re right that sometimes a woman gets involved with the wrong man because she’s attracted to someone who appears to want to protect her. It’s important to teach our daughters how to recognize the signs of real love and respect so they don’t make such grievous mistakes.

Btw, by “strength” I don’t necessarily mean muscles. A man who stands up for what is right is strong indeed–even if he’s a 95 pound geek.

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