I need help. My daughter just told us a few days ago, she has
been using marijuana. Not only that, but she got a misdemeanor for having less than an oz? I am so scared. I cant talk to anyone, because my husband and my daughter dont want anyone to know. So this is the only place I could think of to be
able to talk to someone. I am trying to find a good catholic counseler, but not having much luck. I just keep thinking, what did I do wrong. If anyone has been through the same thing, and has any advice please let me know. Thanks so much
I need help. My daughter just told us a few days ago, she has
How old is your daughter?
Good question. Other things that would be helpful for you to find out are
- is she addicted?
2)was this a first time thing?
- how and why did she try drugs?
- has it led to any other criminal or immoral choices/behaviors? (like stealing, sex, missing school or work etc)
Also, have you spoken with your priest? He may be able to help you find counseling resources as well as help you to realize that this may have nothing to do with something you did or failed to do. Kids screw up. Kids make bad choices. As parents we can’t get stuck on the “why???” but need to focus on the “how can we help our child learn from this?”. (p.s. we as adults screw up a lot too;)).**
You didn’t do anything wrong. There is a whole culture out there about how marijuana is no big deal/harmless/less harmless than alcohol etc… (I personally have no opinion on MJ) and I am sure your daughter could have been influenced by this. She could have been experimenting and trying it just a few times, or it could be a problem. Do you know which one? Not all experimenting leads to worse drugs, but of course talk to her about it and how it scares you. Hopefully this is a “phase” she will get over… but be supportive and monitor her in case she is getting into anything else and much much worse (we pray not).
Has your daughter agreed to stop?
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Try Catholic Social Services… they bill you depending on your income…
As far as not wanting anyone to know; I am afraid this might be the one consequence that does your daughter some good. Knowing that others will find out can be a deterrent.
Right. I would be more concerned that the husband wants to keep it quiet…
100% agree. I have numerous recovering alcoholics and drug addicts in my family and the one thing addiction and illegal drug use thrives off of is secrecy. If you truly want to help your daughter, stop keeping the secret even among your own family and friends. Will your daughter hate you for a while? Sure, but it’s the best thing you’ll do for her. Also, she has now betrayed your trust, the first thing to go is her friends (probably the ones she has gotten high with anyway, no need for her to remain friends with them). YOu may also consider calling the parents of her friends and tell them that your daughter has admitted to using drugs and that she will no longer be associating with their children as a consequence for her actions. Most drug addicts have to be 100% completely removed from their environment (a.k.a. drug addicted friends) for a good period of time in order to stand a chance of recovery (my cousin went to two instate facilities before his parents finally got the money to send him away out of state for 2 years. Not easy for them, but necessary - he was addicted to heavy drugs). Also, maybe remove her door from her room and make her earn it back (as well as take away driving and non-school privledges).
**good advice but it would be helpful to know the age of the daughter…she could be an adult living away from home for all we know. **
Does she realize that she could ruin her future, businesses that will not hire her?
First of all … welcome to the forum. We are here to help each other.
The Proverbs say: Raise up a child in the way they SHOULD go … not will go. You have to take into account the outside influences (school, friends).
ask yourself these questions and maybe you will get you answer: How well do you know her friends?
How much time do you spend with your daughter?
What type of activities is she involved in?
How often do you go to church, as a family?
Besides councelling, how are you going to discipline your daughter?
God Bless you and your family,
The dad in this case is trying to protect his daughter’s future appearance without worrying about her present and future character. It’s a mistake too many parents make.
We need to know how old this girl is, and how long she has been using, to offer any really helpful advice. An addict needs inpatient treatment, a stupid teenager who experimented once or twice does not.
Seems to me that a BIG dose of parental hyper-supervision is in order, first off, followed by individual and possibly family counseling. Beyond that, we need more info…
One thing, though. If this were my kid, I would purposely tell family members and friends that are important to her and urge them to express their disappointment, anger, whatever. Our children need to know they are accountable to people outside themselves. They need to know how deeply their stupid choices can wound and worry those that love them. It is our social ties that keep us all in check, our obligations to and care for others. This is a lesson kids need to learn early and well!
You did NOTHING wrong. If they think there is nothing wrong with doing marijuana, then why are they embarrased??
First thank you all so much for your help.
She is 19, i dont know if shes addicted, she said its social, i dont think it has lead to anything else. i dont think she has stolen, or ect. She has agreed to stop, it wasnt just once. She agreed not to hang out with those friends anymore. I called the catholic charities for a counseler. And am praying like crazy. Im just keeping her very busy. For the person that asked if we go to mass as a family, yes, and her and I do alot together. Now that shes older and in college, shes a little busy. but we squeeze things in.
Thanks again to all of you and God Bless
The other thing to worry about is that if she has it with her in a vehicle when she is caught, the car could be impounded, so don’t let her use your car.
Marijuana is not physiologically addictive. It can be psychologically addictive (when you take it you get a high, but then you fall back into a low and think you need more to put you back on a high). It also follows the law of diminishing returns (the more you take it, the greater amount you need to smoke to get the same effect). Therefore, if she doesn’t ever have much with her, and if she hasn’t demonstrated any mood swings, it’s safe to say she hasn’t used it much and is in no way addicted. It should be easy for her to stop at this point. As long as she stops using it, (and possibly goes to confession?), everything should be okay. Just talk to her every now and then to make sure she hasn’t fallen back into it I guess?
I am looking at this as a former user and not a mother (I am 29 years old and my DD is only a year, so I simply wouldn’t know how to talk to you as a mother in this area). And I apologize in advanced for the long post.
First of all, as some other posters said, pot has a reputation for being harmless and not being a big deal, just look at how it is often portrayed in the media. For the most part, I don’t think that it is. I think the worse thing about it is that it is illegal, and therefore getting arrested with it could seriously change one’s future.
Secondly, she can be honest when she says it is just a social thing. I know many people who smoke that are similar to drinkers, they only smoke at parties where others are smoking and they may never buy it themselves. Honestly, in my college days I saw way many more drinkers going to the ER than pot smokers (come to think of it, I don’t know any that ended up in the ER) and again, many more drinkers got kicked out of school due to poor grades or discipline problems (because they were too hung over to go to class or did something stupid while they were drunk, like setting fires to things, etc) because they drink too much.
I don’t want it to come off like I think that it is ok to smoke, because I don’t. I certainly could’ve had better grades if I didn’t, but I don’t think that you should panic, which brings me to my third point. Don’t panic and freak out on her. My mother did that in high school and all that taught me was to never tell her anything! If you remain calm and tell her that it upsets you and you don’t want her to do it anymore and there will be consequences if you find out that she does (especially if she promised she wouldn’t and this is something that you can do, probably easier to do if she is still living with you or you help her financially), she will respect you a lot more and therefore try harder to please you.
Fourthly, make sure it is just social and not something else. I started doing drugs because I was severally depressed due to past abuse issues and an un-dx bipolar disorder. This is why it would be good to get her to see some kind of T or counselor, but just don’t push her. If she isn’t ready to go to one, nothing will come of it, except resentment of you.
Lastly (I think :rolleyes: ) I know some people have posted that you should tell people because these types of things thrive in secrecy. But, honestly, it depends on the person. I didn’t care if anyone knew I was smoking. My parents could have told my whole family, church, school, whatever. I really could have cared less. To some people, though, I agree, they may become embarrassed, so I guess it depends on what type of person your daughter is.
Overall, it sounds like you are taking the right steps. Just remember, many people use drugs (especially pot) at some point in their lives (most often high school and/or college) and grow out of it after a couple years. It is actually amazing how many people do do drugs, and you really don’t realize it until you start doing them and hanging out with those people. I saw college professors, doctors, lawyers and the usually artist type people and students. Some people will smoke all their lives, but for most, it is just a fad.
For me, knowing that I was leaving college and that if I got arrested, I probably wouldn’t be able to get a job was the biggest factor in getting to stop. Staying away from friends who would pressure me to smoke, after I stop, was also a big one.
I hoped I helped in some way. I hope I didn’t offend anyone either. If you want to ask me anymore questions, I would be happy to share more, either here or by pm.
Wrong is wrong, no matter the reason. Yes, she should probe a bit as to the "why"
My philosophy is if you don’t start you don’t have to stop.
I meant in the context that she should make sure it truly is something that she just does with friends or due to peer pressure and not because of some other underlying cause (as I said for me, I started because of depression, undx mental disorder, and past abuse issues). Often drugs are the first visible signs that parents see that something is “wrong” with their child. This is a good time to make sure that her daughter is “not crying out for help” in a sense.
If you were my kid you would have cared… because all my funding for college would END and I might even try to get some of your financial aid revoked by telling the school and/or organizations that gave you scholarships. College is for learning, not using illegal drugs with impunity.
BTW, as a person who was forced to live across the hall from a chronic pot smoker in college, I am sure your neighbors appreciated you making the whole area smell like a burning garbage dump! :mad: We reported it and complained. The dorm admin was so busy being “reasonable” that no one did anything about it.
OP, don’t let her use your car, revoke your financial assistance for college. Let her earn those back over at least two drug-free semesters. If she is living in your house, she must be willing to submit to random drug testing at your demand. (You can buy kits.)
As for kind bean’s comment about being “reasonable” so your kid will respect you more… whatever. I don’t care to earn the respect of someone who thinks illegal drug use is acceptable.