Don't know what to do!


#1

I feel very juvenile for posting this but I just don't know what to do with myself. Here's the background: I am a 23 year old catholic woman who's never been in a relationship. The reason for my singleness is pretty simple- I am terrified of relationships/ rejections. Any time I like a guy I'll get to know him but at any opportunity to go out with him I'll somehow avoid it because I'm such a coward. I don't know what's wrong with me because I have no problem with going out with guys that I'm only semi-interested in, flirting with them, or being friends with guys in general. I only run into trouble when I really like someone and I think that they like me. Then I act as if I only like them platonically or avoid situations in which we could be alone... in case they ask me out! I'm really frustrated because this just happened again today. I just sidestep invitations and the whole issue out of sheer nerves and then I beat myself up over missed opportunities. I know that sometimes this behavior is related to a lack of self esteem but I don't think I have that problem. I want to date this guy and in general I feel strongly called to the vocation of marriage. If I don’t change my behavior I will be single for life. Can anyone offer some advice about how to get over fear?


#2

Perhaps you should seek some counseling with a Catholic counselor to get to the bottom of the situation.


#3

[quote="curiouslystill, post:1, topic:177116"]
I feel very juvenile for posting this but I just don't know what to do with myself. Here's the background: I am a 23 year old catholic woman who's never been in a relationship. The reason for my singleness is pretty simple- I am terrified of relationships/ rejections. Any time I like a guy I'll get to know him but at any opportunity to go out with him I'll somehow avoid it because I'm such a coward. I don't know what's wrong with me because I have no problem with going out with guys that I'm only semi-interested in, flirting with them, or being friends with guys in general. I only run into trouble when I really like someone and I think that they like me. Then I act as if I only like them platonically or avoid situations in which we could be alone... in case they ask me out! I'm really frustrated because this just happened again today. I just sidestep invitations and the whole issue out of sheer nerves and then I beat myself up over missed opportunities. I know that sometimes this behavior is related to a lack of self esteem but I don't think I have that problem. I want to date this guy and in general I feel strongly called to the vocation of marriage. If I don’t change my behavior I will be single for life. Can anyone offer some advice about how to get over fear?

[/quote]

The next time he asks, just say "Yes". It's as simple as that. All the rationalising after the event will get you nowhere if you aren't prepared to take that simple step.


#4

You should pray for guidance. And you should just say yes, believe me, you will be able to reject people as well as people will reject you. At the end of the day you learn from all of this :)
Hope this helps! Have fun on your date!


#5

Curiouslystill:

you are not alone in this :). With some guys that was interested in the past, I didnt feel at ease with them. Used to complain about it, until I have been told - by my mum - that it is likely that, that guy who I am interested in wasn’t meant to be (and usually that’s the case…once i got over those guys, i have become friends with them…and then realized it was better that we didnt become a couple :D). She told me herself she never felt at ease with any guy she liked - until she met my father. Also, you do kind of grow out of it gradually…I mean, for me, it has been 2 or so years that it became easier to talk to guys I am interested in (although I am not completely out of it yet…)

…at least that’s what I keep telling myself :shrug:. Maybe someone else can back me up?


#6

[quote="Ankabaranka_87, post:5, topic:177116"]
...at least that's what I keep telling myself :shrug:. Maybe someone else can back me up?

[/quote]

Yes. Before I became the next Palpatine, I actually had to read Latin or Greek poetry aloud for a warm-up before phoning a girl in order to avoid my voice trembling. Several years later, I would just naturally pick up a phone-call from a several years older lady boss in French and ask her if she was phoning to invite me to the common kitchen for coffee (which was thereupon had)... and I've pulled off bigger things than that. At the same time, some time this summer I saw a girl I hadn't know, going out of my block of flats when I was coming back home... She said good afternoon first because I was windpipe-blocked and apparently in a very noticeable way... Very rarely, but it just happens from time to time with ladies I don't even know and I can't explain it. I've had it sometimes when making moves on an old friend too. I generally have this feeling around those kind, cheerful, uplifted Catholic young ladies, whereby my motion control seems to go off for a moment, but I just shake my head, laugh at myself and go on.

As for the Opening Poster,

I agree with all the advice given so far. Go talk to a counsellor and do say yes to a guy next time something like that happens (you may want to take a break and deal with the counsellor first, though).

I don't know why people are afraid of going out with people more to their liking but not so with those not so "right", although I have a couple of theories. One of them is fear of settling down or of the unknown that comes with a serious commitment which seems a likely possibility - however, I don't really see that in your post and yes, it's possible it's something like in Anka's example, where there's a lot of connection but you aren't "meant to be" a couple. At any rate, I would point out that going out with a guy you already know you wouldn't like to marry - or you know someone else you see as better for you - would be pointless. Same way, skipping the "real big thing" in favour of a more manageable one because of, say, feeling some anxiety with regard to future close and serious commitment, could lead to marrying a man you love less because you would be afraid to accept invitation from a man you love more. Not a good idea, as you undoubtedly know, which is why you asked. :) On the other hand, it would be bad to jump into marriage if you don't feel ready - or with a guy you don't feel is "the one" (not implying there can be only one guy like that).


#7

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.