Don't understand feelings!


#1

I finally met with my soon-to-be-ex on Thursady night, he kept bugging me about wanting to see the baby and some other stuff. I figured I would just meet with him instead of risking that he would just “drop by” which I wouldn’t want to deal with. We met at a Target cause I don’t want him in the house, he asked me if he could see the baby at the house cause he needed some clothes also, I told him no, that he said he wanted to see the baby and that I should have known he had other intentions…he of course changed his tune and agreed to meet at the Target.

We got there and he spent time with the baby, we didn’t talk much until he asked if we could talk. I asked about what and he wanted to, of course, talk about the divorce and the money. I told him that was the last thing that I was thinking about right now. He kind of insisted and said he didn’t want to take anything from me, that after all he’d done the least we deserved was to be taken care of and that I should not have to worry about money. I then took the opportunity to vent a little bit, I asked him why he did this to me, that from what I was finding out he never intended to live life as a married man, a family man. I also told him that I had never met such an immoral person in my life and I couldn’t understand how I ended up marrying him, that I couldn’t understand how I didn’t see it. I went on to tell him that I would be okay and would move on with my life, but what hurt me was the damage that was going to be done to these children who are going to be paying for something that they didn’t ask for. That I knew that the love he professed to have for them was nonexistant because out of his own mouth came the words that if he suffered as a child and survived it was now their turn, how could a person with that attitude about his children actually love them. Anyway, he didn’t argue much, he agreed that he didn’t make any effort to make the marriage work, he agreed that he was bad and he said he didn’t even understand himself why he behaved this way, why he destroyed what was good in his life. He also confirmed my suspicions that he never intended to leave the house, he planned on having his “bachelor pad” and live at home also, of course he said he bought the house just in case things didn’t work out between us, at least he’d have a place of his own…whatever. I know what that house was going to be, it was going to be where he went when he took one of his girlfriends home in order to prove that he wasn’t married.

Well the part that I don’t understand is that even as I looked at him, and told him exactly what I thought about him etc., I couldn’t help but to feel sorry for him. I wanted to hate him, to be full of rage toward him and all I felt was pity, compassion and sorrow for him. After all the damage he’s done to me and my children all I could feel was sorry. I don’t understand those feelings, like I wanted to make everything okay for him, not for me but for him. Why would I feel like that? I also didn’t say anything about Fatima, I just told him the pregnancy wasn’t going well and I prefered to be stress free at least until the baby was born, he agreed to put everything on hold until after the baby comes, I must say, I was relieved that he wasn’t being a jerk about anything, thank God.


#2

Keep your distance, Lexee. Don’t expect him to explain truthfully or in a way that will help you deal with your pain, why he is who he is and why he does what he does. Stay away from him, Lexee. Any encounters with him will lead to spiritual and emotional confusion, anger and sorrow. If he asks to see you again, as he may well since he is dealing with his own remorse and guilt and may want you to lessen the blow, tell him that you will meet at his attorney’s office (therefore, he will pay for it). That’s it. Let it be over. Stay strong when it comes to any communication with him. He is a liar and a manipulator. Pray is your only recourse and God’s mercy is his only hope. So let God take care of him. God bless you and your babies, you are in my prayers.


#3

Lexee,

I am so sorry you are suffering so.

Please, please, please stay away from him. I know it’s hard when you are going through it. But, I’ve learned from some of my friends who have been through this. Please let me offer the following:

  1. Vent to your therapist, not to him. Don’t let him know what you are thinking or feeling. He’ll find a way to use it against you. Say nothing, divulge nothing. Be cordial, and say as little as possible. The world is wonderful and you are wonderful. He needs to know nothing else.

  2. Do not discuss the divorce details, money, etc. Your lawyer is the one to handle this-- that is the lawyer’s role, to look out for your and your children’s best interest. If your ex wants to talk about the divorce, tell him to talk to your lawyer.

  3. If he wants to see the kids, have him do it through supervised visits with a social worker present. He will have to pay for that social worker’s presence. The third party will neutralize his attempts to manipulate you and the kids. Also, I suspect that requirement will also neutralize his contact with the kids (which IMHO is a good thing in this case). Talk to you lawyer and see if they can actually get a supervised visitation into the divorce agreement.

DO NOT underestimate him. He may be talking the tune about how he wants you to have money, he’s sorry, blah blah blah-- in my experience it’s a smoke screen and I know some women who are sorry they let their guard down.

He’s a sick person, Lexee. Of course you feel compassion for him. But, you are not responsible and you can’t fix him. Protect your kids from him.


#4

I cannot add anything to Cupofkindness’ post, except if you have to meet him, don’t go alone.

Still praying…


#5

This whole thing is confusing.

What, exactly, did this guy do?

Imagine himself alone – or maybe with women, someday, according to you?

You sound very confused about what exactly is the reason you’re breaking up. This doesn’t make sense. I’ve noticed that whenever a person seems exasperated with a relationship everyone else says to get away. A professional therapist once told my wife to get away from me – they’d known each other for 45 minutes or less at the time and I paid $80 for that. Some other controlling interfering no-longer-friend of my wife’s offered to help her run away. People didn’t realize marriage was forever.

I can’t tell from you post what you think a marriage should be and how your or his behavior has fallen so short of it that it must be broken up. I admit that buynig a second place to live is a pretty drastic sign, but it sounds like this whole situations is being driven by emotions instead of brains.

Alan


#6

Alan, perhaps you haven’t been following Lexee’s situation for the past few months. If you read her other posts, you will better grasp what she is going through and understand the point of her threads. She fully understands the theology of marriage but is in a desperate situation where she is absolutely powerless to change the man she is in the process of divorcing. If she sounds confused, it is because she is married to a lying, manipulative man whose terrible thoughts and deeds would confound anyone because they are so thoroughly despicable. Please pray for Lexee and her two children.

Lexee, take all this advice to heart and do not speak to your husband any more. Have your lawyer tell him via certified mail (with a return receipt and a copy to his attorney) not to contact you any further, that all communication must be through your attorney in writing. Further, about the finances, have you talked a financial planner about the future needs of your children and their expenses, educations, etc? I know that you are on overload…


#7

[quote=AlanFromWichita]This whole thing is confusing.

What, exactly, did this guy do?

Imagine himself alone – or maybe with women, someday, according to you?

You sound very confused about what exactly is the reason you’re breaking up. This doesn’t make sense. I’ve noticed that whenever a person seems exasperated with a relationship everyone else says to get away. A professional therapist once told my wife to get away from me – they’d known each other for 45 minutes or less at the time and I paid $80 for that. Some other controlling interfering no-longer-friend of my wife’s offered to help her run away. People didn’t realize marriage was forever.

I can’t tell from you post what you think a marriage should be and how your or his behavior has fallen so short of it that it must be broken up. I admit that buynig a second place to live is a pretty drastic sign, but it sounds like this whole situations is being driven by emotions instead of brains.

Alan
[/quote]

Yes, Alan, I guess if you only read this post it must sound like I don’t have grounds for divorce and am being ruled only by emotions…I assure you that is not the case. I will give you a brief summary of why I’m divorcing this man. A few weeks after I got back from California from giving birth to our son I found out that he was having multiple affairs…not only was he having these affairs but he brought these women into MY home while I was having his baby!!! After I kicked him out and much prayer and soul searching I forgave him, then he came back and apologized, said he wanted his marriage and family to work and would stop the affairs, again after much prayer and realizing that marriage was forever and my obligation as a wife was to work on my family I accepted and he moved back.

During this time of reconciliation I became pregnant…not planned at all, we were using NFP, but it happened. Soon after that I found out that he was still cheating, he not only continued to see the same women I found out about before he was seeing at least three more!!! It was at that moment that I decided that he would never touch me again…he obviously had no concern for my health or the health of the child I was carrying because he didn’t use condoms with his girlfriends…how do I know because one was claiming to be pregnant when I confronted him about it he admitted that he didn’t use protection. I stopped saying anything to him about not coming home for days, it didn’t do any good anyway and only upset me.

We were in the middle of buying a home, bought it and moved in, I hoped that he would take this opportunity to start over and live a familial life…I was wrong, he continued with the same behavior, by then I had pretty much given up, he wasn’t going to change.

On top of this I’ve had to deal with a gambling and drinking addiction that I knew nothing about until after we married. I then found out that he had purchased another house that he told me nothing about and when I asked he denied it…when I got the loan papers at my house I confirmed the purchase of this home. I went to visit my family for new year and didn’t leave him a key to our house, I told him I didn’t trust that he wouldn’t bring his mistrisses into our family’s home therefore he needed to stay elsewhere while I was gone. He reluctantly agreed, and when I came home I didn’t let him know, I was sure he had another house now so he need not come back here.

I then spoke to an attorney and filed for divorce, oh in the mean time I have found out that he has women staying with him…his intention was to pretend to be a family man and have another house for his girlfriends…this is not pride, but if he is going to continue with this adulterous behavior the least I can do is set him free at least he won’t be doing it as a married man, which I would imagine is worse on his soul. As time has gone on I’ve found out about many more women, and that he was cheating before we married, that means I never had a chance to have a real committed marriage, he never intended to be a faithful husband or to stop living his life as a single man.

I don’t know what his intentions were to be honest. That is why I’m divorcing and, hopefully, annulling…I don’t want to, it hurts me very much because, to me, marriage is a lifelong committment, but I can’t do it alone and I can’t risk my life by having a marital relationship with him when he’s sleeping around, my children need a physically and emotionally healthy mother.

Now, I’m dealing with the news that the child I’m carrying has a condition that has about a 65% chance of fatality at birth, if she survives could be a very, very sick child. I’m not sure what our Lord’s plan is, all I’m doing is praying that I am able to do His will and follow what He wants. I hope this clears things up for you, the confused feelings come from wanting to see my husband living a holy life and not the one he is living.


#8

Hi Lexee -

I totally understand your feelings of compassion and sympathy for a man who has been nothing but hurtful to you and your children, having been there myself. Those feelings will come and go, but while you are going through this period to reassure you and your children can have a good life without him, I echo the responses from those posters on this thread to stay away from him. You have to remain strong, not only for yourself and your child, but also for the baby you are carrying.

Think of it this way - Christ had compassion for ALL His people - but when they did something wrong, he corrected them, and sometimes in a very direct way, even telling them to go away from Him.

I’ll be praying for you and your unborn tonight :slight_smile:

God Bless!


#9

Dear Lexee,

I am very sorry to hear of how desperate your situation is.

When you have multiple chronic cheating like that even Christ seems to think there is little you can do.

As far as whether the divorce will cause him problems with his soul, I’m afraid it’s too late for that. The only thing that could help now is full repentance. Unlikely for certain. Of course, nothing is impossible for God but at certain times it’s such a long shot that one’s faith may not realistically get around the idea since the change is more likely to come through trauma at this point rather than enlightenment.

Perhaps I will offer very little to the discussion, but if for no other reason than to give an alternate view, I think if you are absolutely convinced in what you have to do, then do not allow him an inch – and not believe all his make-nice about the divorce arrangements because it’s easy to say that stuff until it comes right down to negotiation. What I will not do is insist that you MUST get away from this person, but only because I do believe in miracles. You certainly have every right to, and it sounds like you’ve given enough second chances that the possibility of reconciliation is very remote.

I will not try to dissuade you from this, but nor will I try to tell you what your decision “must” be. I cannot say, “you HAVE to do this or that” because to me that attempts to bind the Holy Spirit. OTOH, sometimes the path is so clear nobody has to tell you.

The Lord has used me in several previous situations to help catalyze the rekindling of nearly-failing marriages – that turned out better than they were before. In one situation, friends had decided it was useless but it wasn’t. This doesn’t sound like the case with you, and since I am not personally familiar with divorce I will restrict my advice about trying to stay together until such time as it’s actually a viable possibility – which sounds like it could mean “not in our lifetime.” :crying:

Alan

edit>> sounds like what we really need is for this guy to get online here with us so we give him a bit of working over… Fat chance, I suppose… He doesn’t seem to operating from the brain on his shoulders… :ehh:


#10

Lexee
I think your mixed feelings are a sign that you are taking the high road, not giving in to hatred, anger, and revenge. The “get even” side of me wants 5 minutes with your husband, and it wouldn’t be pretty :nope: :whistle:

That doesn’t mean that you back down and go back to square one with the situation. You still protect yourself and your children. But you can do it in a Christlike manner, without all the negative garbage that can/does go on in divorces. You can love the sinner but hate the sin.

Definately, feel compassion for him. Look what he is missing out on…

Definately feel sad for him, look at the serious danger his soul is in…

Love your enemy. Pray for him. How awesome it would be if he repented, whether he is in or out of your life.

You are a strong woman. You are dealing with so much. It is hard to turn away from something that you put your heart and soul into thinking it was for ever.

I prayed for you at Mass this morning.

Arlene


#11

Good girl, Lexee, on not letting him in the house!

If he needs anything that bad, he will send a list of items to his lawyer, who will forward it to you.

DO NOT LET HIM IN THE HOUSE!

I agree, he needs to arraing visitation, supervised or other, through your lawyers. Do not agree to see him alone again, unless yuor lawyer advises you to do so.


#12

Wow. That is an awful story Lexee15.

I don’t want to offend you by diagnosing you…but I think you may want to look into the term Co-Dependent. Here is the dictionary definition-Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.

Basically you have been willing to pick up his pieces everytime he makes a mess of things. It is almost like you have this perfect picture in your head of how your life should be and you are forever trying to make him fit within this picture.

he is never going to change and you can not keep picking up for him.

There are a number of 12-step programs that codependents can use. Here is a link for codependents of sex addicts. cosa-recovery.org/page2.html

A family member of mine recieved help for her codependent tendencies and i often find myself acting in this way.


#13

Lexee I will continue to keep you in my prayers. May God give you strength to get thru this difficult time.


#14

Thanks everyone for your advice and prayers. I pray for him, even if we won’t ever be together again I still want him to reform his life and turn to God. I think that’s what makes me feel sorry for him, knowing that the path he has chosen can’t lead him to anything good. His drinking, gambling and many women can only bring about more bad stuff.

I found out that after we met last Thursday he went on a drinking binge, it must have been bad too cause apparently his face and body were so swollen he had to seek urgent care.

When I spoke to him about what he needed to sign and send back to my attorney he apologized for not getting back to me sooner (about the paperwork), he told me he had gotten sick, that he’d swelled up and the doctor said it was too much stress and possibly something he ate. I didn’t say anything to him, but I knew he wasn’t telling me the truth. I’ve seen him swell up and it’s only happened after he’s been drinking alot of hard liquor (usually tequila), I hope he sees that his body is trying to tell him something, there is something really wrong (healthwise) with him, people don’t swell just because.

As far as the co-dependancy goes, there may be some truth to that, I don’t know why I seem to have picked men who needed to be taken care of in some way. Maybe I had some kind of “mommy” complex or something…I don’t know, I do wish I would have seen his addictions before we married because I don’t think that I would have married him…I really don’t. No matter what I do wish he was living a moral life, a life with God leading his way.


#15

I just wanted to add another book referral. It is called “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie - I just finished reading it and saw a lot of characteristics in myself.
It’s a really good book.


#16

Lexee…don’t feel bad for wanting the best/loving your husband and the father of your children. You are clearly a compassionate person.
But you deserve happiness in your life and it just does not seem like this is the person that can give it to you.

Addiction is a very sad disease.
Being in a relationship with an addict is like trying to keep a room of toys clean with an infant in the room.
No matter how many times you pick up the toys…the moment you leave the infant alone in the room the toys will be back on the floor. :smiley:
Wierd analogy…but it is true. Until you wants to change you will never be able to keep his mess clean.

good luck and god bless.


#17

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