The fundamental problem is that I’m not interested in having sex with someone - honestly the whole idea just seems sort of weird and gross. I don’t want kids and I would never be willing to risk having them. In short, I don’t want a sexual relationship. At all. The best it could ever be for me would be submitting to something that I hated to make someone else happy.
But I don’t want to be alone. I want someone I can come home to and watch TV together. I want someone I can share secrets with and not worry about them being married to someone else. I don’t want to be forming relationships knowing that some day they want to marry - every single other person I’ve ever met wants to marry and start a family - and that’s going to change our intimacy too much.
And I just…I hate my life as it is. Even in a marriage I’d feel like a prostitute, trading something I find repulsive for emotional intimacy. It would ruin the relationship. But any other relationship I can form will eventually go away as the other person moves on. I can’t be sharing my life with a married person, and I’ve yet to meet a person who doesn’t want to be married and doesn’t want to be alone most of the time.
I know, my desires are all wrong and everything, but…that’s not something I can change. I don’t feel like I can make myself be happy like this, certainly not within the constraints of Catholicism. But what am I supposed to do?