Don't want to hurt my family

So, for the whole Islam thing, for now I have decided that although at some point I want to eventually get back into some religion, now is not the best time for me. Will just continue how I have been these past few years, calling myself a Christian while avoiding the drama of churches(especially after the supreme courts decision, actually am avoiding a lot of social media for the same reason, too much drama).

But, the reason I am here again, going back to one of my first topics here, which I think I am ready to start moving toward my goal more… Hopefully that sentence made sense. I am now sure that I am transgender, and ready to pursue therapy for it, the main issue being that the only way I could actually see a therapist is through my parents because I still cannot drive.

So I am thinking about just coming out to my parents, since that would be the easiest way to bring up therapy, and probably cause the least amount of worry on their part. However, I feel, especially now, that it may be a big shock to them. Since I have just started to get into college, have recently cut my hair pretty short, and have been recently tried growing a beard(honestly those last two were me trying to avoid accepting myself, again). Then of course that my parents are pretty into Catholicism now, and probably at most are expecting me to come out as gay at some point.

But going for me coming out, I have overheard my parents saying in the past that they may not agree if me or one of my brothers came out as gay, but they wouldn’t disown us over it. I have also talked to my parents a lot about recent events in the LGBT community, some guess they could be expecting me to say something soon, and when I have had conversations about it, their opinions have been somewhat positive, with them being mostly neutral… As long as the church doesn’t get targetted by activists.

Though the opinions toward transgender people seems mixed from what I have gotten out of them/overheard. Like my dad referred to them as people with too much money and nothing to spend it on(obviously not in my case, I have actually been very concerned about how I would pay if I decided to pursue HRT in the future).

Now , my reasoning for wanting to come out now, is that my original goal was to come out by the time I turned 18, if I still felt this way. That time has now passed. Also, it is just overall getting harder, and I also become more and more worried about like accidently outing myself on Facebook. For the feelings, they are sadly mostly turning to frustration and anger, was has caused my parents to talk to me more recently about my temper, and I can’t give them a reason why without having to come out…

Back on topic though, sort of. My main worry, is hurting my family, and getting disowned by or losing contact with a majority of the extended family over it(especially my niece, whose adoptive parents have shown some anti-LGBT opinions in the past). Also a bit worried about confusing my youngest brother, who still is having a hard time grasping the concept of gender.

But, if I do come out soon, I will likely just ask my parents to continue to refer to me with my male name and pronouns until I actually start transitioning or something…

So any tips on not hurting my family by coming out? I guess the most logical solution would be to just continue to wait, but that is, like I said, becoming harder(already have kept it a secret for 3 years). Mainly posting this here, since the forums I usually use for these posts is kind of filled with drama at the moment.

There are no tips, there are no suggestions as to make life easier for anyone concerned,
You are choosing a difficult road my friend, I’m not suggesting your thoughts are right or wrong, this is just a public forum where random people answer random questions and hopefully some people feel better for the experience ,
Have you spoken to a Councellor or Guidance Officer at all ?
That would be step number one,
Plus your younger Brother, please don’t interfere in his own journey growing up,
If your lifestyle is really obvious ,then there is a possibility that your family have sensed it

You seem confused about a lot of things. Your parents will want to help and can arrange counseling so you find your true direction in regards to religion and your identity.

Please ask them for help. Many teens are confused about a lot of things. The main goal of a parent is to make sure their child is happy and healthy and on the road to heaven.

You don’t have to disclose everything-just that you are confused and perhaps gay, and take it from there that you would like to see a counselor. Once you have insight about yourself from counseling, you can expand the conversations.

The Catholic religion is a loving religion. There are also very wise priests who can work with you in unison with a therapist. Also remember Jesus loves you and is with you as you navigate through this.


Praying for you…

Good advice!

My condolences on the very heavy cross you are bearing.

Be sure to chose your therapist wisely. Unfortunately, I have heard a lot of stories about therapists being basically activists in disguise and instead of helping people sort through their feelings, they nudge them in the more liberal direction of gender reassignment surgery, etc. You are yet very young, and just starting to figure out who you are, and don’t need someone who is just going to confuse you more. When I was a young teen, I thought I might be gay because I would notice that some girls were pretty (all the gender ideology floating around in the news and school and media did not help much-I probably would never have come up with such an idea if I hadn’t know that there was such a thing as homosexual attraction). At last I stopped focusing and thinking about my sexuality completely, and put in on the back burner for a couple of years. My brain matured, and when I started thinking about it again, I realized that I am as straight as can be.

I am a little confused, esp. after reading some of the responses. Are you transgender or gay? These are different issues. I have known transgender people, and one, esp. declared adamantly that they were NOT gay, and did not want to be gay, because they thought it was wrong! So I believe you must choose your therapist carefully, one who understands your issue, and not confuse being gay with being transgender. This is a heavy burden for both you and your family, I know, from both the transgendered and gay people (one of whom is my half-brother) I know. God bless you and help you.

Yeah, guess I didn’t make it clear in the OP, since the replies confused meas well. I said that I do think I am transgender, but brought up the gay thing because my parents have mentioned in the past that they would be okay with me orone of my siblings coming out as gay.

Once again, I am pretty sure I am transgender, not gay.

Can’t you just tell your parents you are trying to work through a few things and would like to talk to a therapist? I don’t think it is necessary to give any details at this point.

I also suggest contacting Phil Sandoval on Immaculate Heart Radio. He takes calls but emails as well. He is a licensed therapist and is really great at helping people. His show is very helpful as well and can be heard on the radio and computer.

My friend you are only 18 and that is way too young to make such a dramatic lifestyle change. Please slow it down and go to counseling and work through your thoughts and feelings there. Until a therapist recommends that you come out then it would probably be best that you don’t.

You have to realize you have an entire lifetime to live your life so pause just a bit and don’t be in too big a hurry.

I’ll pray for you and ask good to grant you mercy, patience and peace while you explorer your feeling with a trained therapist. Just go slow and take your time and may God bless you.

You need to talk to your parents about these issues and start getting counseling because you are confused, and possibly should be checked for low testosterone as well. (It sounds like you are physically male but perceiving yourself as feminine, not meeting male stereotypes, and preferring female ones instead.) Your parents probably love you and want to help, so don’t keep these things private or else you’ll just continue going down this road and feel unable to do otherwise, and become more convinced that your understanding (of a “spiritual you in the wrong body”) is correct and that everyone else is wrong.

As for your mention of Mohammedanism (“Islam”), … That’s another huge topic, and I can only encourage you to continue studying history, which ought to lead to joining the Catholic Church rather than Lutheranism. (Follow the movement Jesus started, not the movement Martin Luther started!)

Also start studying the theology of the body (Christopher West, John Paul II, Michael Waldstein). As human beings we are one unity. Our body is us, not an object that “the real us” are “inside of”. To put it in materialistic terms, you are your body, not only your brain.

You can express yourself, “be yourself”, and let society’s stereotypes fall where they will, e.g. being delicate rather than macho, compassionate rather than tough, without cutting off your body parts to look like a woman. Sex is binary, but gender (masculinity to femininity) is a spectrum, and you don’t have to change your body to express your gender. (There are macho women who join the military, and feminine men who paint, cook, and garden. Preferences are not linked in a binary way to physical appearance.)

I can give you more reading recommendations (and clarify the ones I’ve mentioned here) if you like (PM me if I don’t respond here).

Well, guess I need to work on not showing my confusin through the way I type…

Anyways, one of the things I have actually been questioning recently, which is one of the reasons I mentioned gay so much in the OP, is that I have been thinking I may actually be gay but using transgender as a way to justify it.

I actually recently also started to remember stuff which seems to have been completely cut out of my memory(scary when you find photos from 2012 but don’t even remember the event happening). As I remember now, around 2013, I started to notice I was attracted to some of the males at my youth group, but quickly changed my mind and decided I must be transgender since I also didn’t really identify myself as a male(though this year at one point I also started to notice I don’t identify fully as female).

… Well… Now kind of glad I am not rushing to come out as transsexual, think I would end up as one of those people with trans regret in 10 years.

Think for now, I will just consider coming out as gay/bi(honestly consider myself like 80% attracted to males and 20% to females), and rethink the transsexual thing(by exploring the gender spectrum more, I remember looking into gender fluid and agender earlier this year).

Perhaps you could check out the Catholic psychologists and counselors listed below, who are dedicated to helping people with many different issues, sexual confusion being one of them. Some of these therapists are willing to do counseling by Skype or telephone, but if not, they might be able to refer you to someone in your area.

Child Healing: Strengthening Families

Karen Rumore

Peter Kleponis

Richard Fitzgibbons

I don’t think you should worry about what to come out “as”. Just tell your parents about your struggle and that you would like to seek therapy for it, but don’t label yourself.

Deal with identity later after talking with a good therapist who can help you work through your confusion and help you come up with a good way to talk to your parents about it.

Avinia, again, stop trying to label yourself. The only label you need is “son of God”, “Christian” (if you are Baptized). Your sexual attractions do not determine who or “what” you are – your relationship with God determines who you are (note in the book of Revelation how God will give each of us a unique name), and what you are is a human being.

Please pull yourself away from sociological theory, and definitely stop looking at pornography and sexual fantasy on the internet.

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