Doomed no matter what


#1

I am just looking for some words of encouragement and maybe some prayers. I wrote on here a while ago about how my husband was going to quit his job because of things his boss does in his personal life my husband doesn’t like - well I mean, I had to go along with this decision (even though I don’t have a job) or else it’s a big fight - that’s like his motto - agree with me or…you just better!

Anyway, he has an interview lined up tomorrow and you see I feel like i have to do everything for him. He applies for the easy to apply for jobs and leaves me to apply for jobs for him that require more work (filling in blanks, not just sending resumes) - I mean, hello - these are YOUR jobs and you are unemployed because of reasons I think don’t really have to do with what he says - he just plain didn’t like it there.

Anyway, he is always on my case. For example, this is what happened tonight - this is a typical argument that seems like it’s every day expecially since he quit. His insurance ran out today and i need to make sure he had a 3 month supply of some medication then, but when he saw the dr a month ago, he didn’t even get a prescription from him, so I had to run around this morning getting it straightened out - finally I did this afternoon and my son and I (picking it up for HIM) had to wait for so long I got my son and I a snack and a pop.

Well, after my husband went to bed, i ran to the store and got milk and juice and some computer paper so I can print off directions and his resume, cover letter, etc and brought up the pop and snack that was left over in the car - well my husband wakes up when I was going to bed and says you went to Walgreens? and I said no not now, earlier . He says you’re lying, I see the store bags right there - and I said yes, I just went to the store and got this and that and brought up this stuff which I got at walgreens earlier. Well, I had a lecture about why I never will learn (What?!?!) and then he goes back to bed and sees the computer paper I got and says you got computer paper too?!? I said yeah, we needed that so I could print your stuff out - and then he goes, “so you LIED to me?!?!?!?” and he was mad again, off to the bedroom and slammed the door just now. How did I lie? I mean, did he say before he went to bed the first time to not buy computer paper? No. Where was my LIE?!?!?!

Okay, give me a break. I am getting fed up with this. I really can’t take much more and I am feeling like I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.

He also says he only cares about money and not about my son and me. He wants to start a business but doesn’t have enough cash and doens’t even know what he wants to do and he wants drag me into it too with him - and if I don’t go along with his plans, he starts into something like I wrote above. I can’t take this much longer - I dont’ have the strength.


#2

I think you sound like you’ve been through a lot and show great strength for doing so much for him for so long without any acknowledgement. It sounds like standard emotional abuse to me. In my life I have lived with someof that (not for any longer than necessary though) from several people, and if their psych diagnoses were any relation to how they treated me and everyone else they lived with, maybe it would be helpful if he were checked out by a professional for depression, bipolar, or possibly something else? A close member of my family who has been diagnosed with depression was very judgmental and often angry, punishing and looking for a fault to find even when most people might have actually been touched. Another who also has the same diagnosis is a little like that sometimes. Their medication helps a lot from what I can see. I also lived with someone who was as it turned out previously hospitalized for paranoid schizophrenia, and he also took every inaccuracy, failure to predict the future, misremembering of a detail etc. as a lie and proof he couldn’t trust me. He denied my statement that he was setting himself up with the self-fulfilling prophecy that I would leave him, but of course I did. I have heard that he has now turned against most people he trusted then, including his oldest and best lifelong buddy. It’s sad. So I don’t know what you can do or what’s going on with him of course but a professional might be able to help with it. I’ll pray for your finances and strength.


#3

Oh my… but I wonder how on earth did you get where you are right now… you are not his mother! You are his wife! Didn’t you try to please him too much for the start? How did it happen that he is used to you doing all the things for him?

I think it would be best if you went and sought some counselling or got some good books, but you are right, you cannot go on like that. Why do you do all those things for him?

There are really good books out there, or good counsellors. I remember reading one article, by Dominical priest who is also a marriage consellor and he says that this is one of the most frequent mistakes women make - they do not demand! They just try to please their husbands because they are afraid of losing them. And when they act like that, they lose them even even earlier…

It will be very hard for you to change now, but one thing - do not be so defensive! Do not do things for him! I know that this might end up in a mess, he will not get a job, but he has to learn it the hard way if there are no other ways… And have an honest conversation with him.

You probably think that since I am not in the situation, it is easy for me to say so, and you are right. Your financial security is at stake, and since you are not working what I am suggesting is probably crazy… and maybe it is, but he will not change if you do not change your attitude, he is totally dependant on you, totally incapable of taking the responsibility for his actions becuase there is alawys someone to bail him out - and you have pretty much contributed to this state of affairs by letting him behave that way. It is hard to unlearn, but not altogether impossible… just day by day - that is why it would be good to have some support from a counsellor or a friend. It is pretty much easy to imagine how mad he will get if you just stop doing things for him and openly refuse to do that too!

Change has to start from you, I am afraid.


#4

No, I only remember reading about your SIL, who was also abusive. This certainly puts a better light on it.

Counseling. For you. Don’t involve him until you can deal with his abuse better. This will not get any better if you don’t do something. And get “the books” Boundaries and God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts. You can find *Boundaries *at the library.


#5

Stop propping him up… let him get his own job.

I know that means financial trouble… and I know how hard that is to face. But he’s never gonna take this seriously until he has to do the work himself.

You can do the work to apply for WIC or whatever other aid y’all might need to make it. You could get your own job… throwing newspapers fits in around being a SAHM if that is what you do, and they usually want adults for that these days.

But let HIM get his own dang job. Make him be a man or flounder on his own.

I have looked and found interesting prospects for my DH, even downloaded forms for him, but he fills them out, edits his resume, makes the calls, and drops off paperwork for himself.

I mean… you do all the work on everything, and he has the audacity to yell at you about any of it? Why are you putting up with this? If he treated his secretary at an office like this, he would probably be disciplined for it!

I think you should inform him, not ask or plead, but INFORM him that his job search is 100% his responsibility as of tomorrow. If he puts printer paper on the grocery list, you’ll be happy to pick it up while shopping, but that’s it.


#6

He is a big boy and can apply for jobs himself.


#7

I guess I could read through your story about how your husband is not nice and agree with you completely but that would not solve anything and you asked for encouragement so here goes:

Think of ways that YOU can improve your marriage but try to do it through the eyes of God. By that I do not mean of ways that you can dote on your husband, or clean up after him, do his chores or agree with him…but ways that you can SPIRITUALLY improve your marriage. Ask your husband to take a “time out” and join you in saying the rosary together. Tell him you love him and are praying for him. Tell him you beleive God wants you both to work it out.

Try as best you can to bring God into the picture. Both of you are responsible for the condition of this marriage but God can help you.

Satan wants to tear you apart. Satan is causing your husband to pick on you about errands to Walgreens and Satan is causing you to be bitter about your marriage. Satan hates happy marriages. Destroying families is one of his main objectives I beleive. Your problems may run deep, perhaps counseling or a retreat or a visit with clergy are in order…but for now try and see your husband as Jesus sees him…he is a lost soul that needs God’s help. You must love him or you wouldn’t have come here for help. I will pray for you, with God all things are possible.


#8

He’s abusing and disrespecting you. I would insist on counciling and respect. Also don’t cater to his every whim and be his doormat. He’s supposed to take care of you and lead the household not expect you do baby him. If he want you do a lot of little things for he should be willing to do the same. It sounds like he’s acting like a spoiled kid. You’ll have to put your foot down and demand respect if that is how you want him to treate you. If it were me I’d just leave until he grows up a bit but as there’s a child involved so it’s not so easy. Good luck. :shrug:


#9

You’re his wife, not his mother. Please start acting like it, for your own sake. The more you enable him, the worse things will get.


#10

I see myself in your post. I see the life I used to lead and my previous marriage. I would also fill out applications for my ex-husband. He would quit work and make up flimsy excuses.

I understand that you fill in the applications for your husband because he will not do it. If he does not do it, he does not get a job - you suffer. If you do not run around and get a new RX, then your hubby goes without meds, he gets sick - you suffer.
You get bitter because you now have another child (him) that you are taking care of - you suffer.

Though you can only change yourself - pray for a change in you. You are an enabler. I was an enabler and it has taken much prayer and time to heal from enabling people.

Ask God to help YOU, make you stronger (not to do your husbands work but to stop enabling).

I have read the posts and people can suggest to just stop helping him. It is not as easy as it sounds when one is an enabler. It’s the guilt of saying “no”. It’s the logic that says if I don’t do it, it will not get done.

God can help you realize that the guilt is not your’s to own. You have to turn it over to God.

I have been there and it is tough! So difficult. I bet you and I could share some pretty interesting stories that would make others cringe - oh the downfall of the enabler. Change yourself through God.

Question - do you find yourself with friends that take advantage of you as well?

I am now 3 years enabling free. Praise God for changing me.


#11

Your husband needs to grow up. Let him apply for his own jobs and take the consequences if he doesn’t. Do not EVEN discuss it with him and for heaven’s sake, stop trying to get him ready for interviews.
If he says he isn’t even interested in you and your child, why is he even around? This guy has major problems. Don’t mommy him - make him stand on his own two feet.


#12

In reading through the replies, you got some great advice. I would add to that, that while it can seem easy advice to ‘just not baby or mommy’ him anymore, you’re the one who has to deal with the ‘backlash’ of it, so you just give in. I don’t know your story, I don’t remember reading anything…but does your husband have borderline bipolar disorder or something? If that is the case, then any stress can get blown way out of proportion, however, that doesn’t mean that you allow your home to be a battleground every night. I dated an emotionally abusive man (he might have been bipolar) and it was like walking on eggshells. I know what you’re going through, and I would definitely have a sit down with him, and explain how he is affecting you and the home. You are not his mom, you don’t want to be treated as such (frankly, no one should talk to his/her mom that way, either) and that things need to change. Need to change.

I am not for divorce–and not suggesting you go there, but if this continues for a prolonged period, your own health will deteriorate, because it is very stressing on the body to try to cater to someone’s every whim. I could kick myself for allowing a man (the one I name above) to hurt me the way he did. But, I learned from it, and hopefully, can pass on what I learned to others. I hope that you don’t grow indifferent to your own needs…you matter, and your husband needs to learn that.

I’ll keep you all in my prayers. Keep us posted as things progress, ok?


#13

I couldn’t help reading your post and thinking that it is very similar to what my mom has been going through for over 20 years of marriage. How much she has suffered. I really see my mom as a Saint. And at the base of what I see with my dad is a servile love for money/position and rank over and beyond the love of his children.
No I don’t think you should stop looking for his jobs for him as some here have suggested, you don’t know what his anger could be capabale of…or may be you do… it is unsafe for you.

Is there any way that you could introduce a third party, a parish priest for example to come into your home and discuss with your husband about the marriage situation?


closed #14

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