Doomed to Fail? Catholic+agnostic/nonreligous

Hello To All:
Iam brand new to this forum and apologize in advance if this seems all over the place I am going to try to be as honest as possible to give you insight on my life I am not the greatest writer soI humbly ask you tobear with me! Thank you all

I am in a dilema. I am a Catholic Man who is in a serious relationship with a girl who does not believe in… anything. I nor she can put a title on it but lets just say she is agnostic or modernistic. She believes there is no God and and a person molds there ideals themselves. She thinks I believe because I was raised this way and because its engained in me to do so. She cant feel the faith I have burning inside me and the real realationship with God I feel is right there beside me day in and out and has been there when it seemed there was nothing else!

Now I have done a few things wrong in approaching this realationship. I moved in with her so we are yes “shacked up”. I have been in a state of sin for quite some timie and am not going to communion as a result. And like many of you “elder” thread poster/readers have seen in the past we are experiencinig difficulties on the forefront of marrige and raising children due to our major diffrences in the fundementals.

One thing that has to say is since Ive been seeing Tara she has helped change me for the better. I have not smoked ciggrettes for almost a year and quit marijuana for almost 2! I believe God may have set her in my path to help me with these certian things and through the last couple years I have definitly become a better man because of that.

We have always discussed the future prospects of our relationship and she knew I wanted to get married in the Church, Bptize my children and bring them to church on sundays. That des not sit well with her. I was confused for a while on exactly what i have to do when raising children as a catholic,i knew i had to marry in the church and baptize them and I made thatclear to her. But she does not want me to take them to church! I did not like this and knew that doing all of this is a huge comprimise to her belief system so i thought there may have been someway we can work it out. I know now as a catholic i must promise to raise my children catholic to the bet of my ability and for her to marry me she must allow me to do so.

So does it come to this, if she cant compromise her believe system ( wi\hich if you live in a post modern belief system does not bring the highest consequence) Then it cannot be?? This tears me apart inside i love her with a deep love but is it a choice between her and God?? Does it have to be that way because you surely know what i will have to choose. Pray For Us Please! Andrew and Tara, If i have to do what many of you think i should please give us the strengh… One thing is also if i leave her i no the sadness she will be overtook with and the saddest thing of all is she does not have God to lean on, that kills me. help Lord,

Been there & done that.

You’re not going to listen to me, but I’ll waste my breath anyway.

Get a place of your own, practice chastity and become non sexual friends with your girlfried.

Purify your soul. Read a condensed version of JP2’s book titled, “Theology of the Body”. Learn to embrace what it means to be a Catholic and a man.

Tara will either embrace you or be sickened by you. My guess, it will be the later.

Eventually, start dating again, and this time look for a woman who will help your soul get to God.

A woman whom you pray won’t change.

As coarse as it may sound, I second Barbkw’s reply. It is not impossible for a Catholic and a non-Catholic to marry; however, what you have described sounds like a nightmare. There is at least a common belief in Christ when a Catholic marries a Protestant but Tera sounds as though she has no belief in anything outside of herself. Further, you say that she will not abide by allowing any children to be raised Catholic. This is why I have “Must be a practicing Catholic” #1 on my list. As difficult as it may be, you need to break this relationship off and get your head on straight. Move out and find a place of your own. No one should have to tell you this as your conscience should be screaming it to you. You know what you need to do, you just have to set aside “feelings” and do it. There are MANY Catholic ladies out there who are seeking a Catholic gentleman. God bless. You’re in my prayers.

Who comes first, her or God? The fact that she is so against your actually raising any children you might have in your Catholic Faith shows that there is a deep division between you, one that will only cause problems for the family you will be creating should the two of you marry.

And it is very hard to be married to someone with whom you cannot share your love for God…

I would probably back up a couple of more steps… to this part:

Although it is some consolation to our loving Lord, that we reflect on the state of our souls as to whether or not we are properly disposed to receive Holy Communion and thus avoid doing so sacreligiously , his dearest desire is that we are disposed to receive Him in Holy Communion and that we do so frequently.

Despite some good fruits (quitting smoking & stuff) which have come from the relationship , it has still evolved essentially into a wall which is blocking you from receiving Holy Communion. I’m not blaming Tara here, just looking at what the relationship has evolved into . It is never God’s will that we be hampered , impeded or prevented by someone or something from receiving Him in Holy Communion - yet it happens.

I see so much of my previous self in what you’re describing (in two consecutive relationships in my case… neither of them lasted) and (to echo part of Barbkw’s comments) , it was only in retrospect, after I was out of the relationships that I realized that I wasn’t really free when I was in them.

Of course , none of us are going to be able to make any decisions for you. I think if I were stuck in that situation again, I might try praying at least some of my Rosary every day, asking our Blessed Mother to intercede that God’s will be done and that she guide the relationship either to its conclusion, or to its correction.

Reading about you made me think of me as it wasn’t long ago that I was in a similar situation. You may not like what I am about to tell you, but hey neither did I when I was told this back then. Break off things with her completely for the betterment of your SOUL and I truly hope you value it over a woman. Going down the path you are going is highly risky for your sake and if you have children there sake as well and that is something I believe you will have to answer for if you fail as it is your duty to teach the faith to your children. Having a mother who is against that will only endanger that duty and will no doubt cause much suffering in your family. You must get your own place, break off sexual relations, and draw yourself closer to God to help preserve yourself from sin and He may heal any wounds caused by this break up. The solution is easy, but hard to do, but it is possible…and with God all is possible.

You stated that you believe God had put her in your life and that she has changed you in positive ways. I’m going to assume that you are also hiding the negative ways she has impacted your life. Don’t focus on just the good of the relationship in order to convince yourself that she may be the one you are to spend the rest of your life with.

I told you earlier that I was in the same boat once. I was in a serious relationship with a woman who also did not believe. I broke off the relationship for our differences in beliefs and really trusted that God would heal me and change me for the better and that is exactly what He did. It was painful and it sure as hell wasn’t easy, but in the end of my tribulation I was closer to God than I had ever been before. That’s when I thought…maybe that’s why she was put in my life? but I will never know till I am face to face with God. I kept on being single and in the process learned much about my faith. My prayer life and knowledge of the Church increased greatly and then I met a beautiful Catholic woman whom I just started dating…and now could share my faith with (once just a day dream) It’s amazing how things work out for us…but I can tell you I never would have thought any of this would have happened when I desperately wanted to work things out with my ex. Trust in God and He will multiply your blessings and in the end make you the man He created you to be.

Sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t seem very respectful towards your religious beliefs. Another thing, I’m not so sure as to how logical it is for her to demand you respect her beliefs when, as you said, she doesn’t have any beliefs to begin with outside her typical, amateur philosophy of shallow individualism.

By choosing sex with her over God, you’ve demonstrated to her that you have no trouble in compromising your belief system when it suits you.

Thus, according to your actions, your priorities are:

  1. Sexual pleasure
  2. Following God when it doesn’t interfere with your sexual pleasure
  3. Listening to her ideas when it doesn’t interfere with (1) or (2)
    This is not the recipe for a happy wife or a happy marriage.

This is a very tough relationship to be in. Something is not going to work. You cannot expect to change her after you get married - if she will even step foot in a church. As harsh as this sounds, there are some really awesome Catholic girls looking for really awesome Catholic guys. Back in the day, I ended (actually, she ended) a toxic relationship that was getting close to engagement. I was hurt for a while - a good while, got over it with the help of my friends and lots of prayers. Eventually I met a wonderful Catholic girl and we got married. After 15 years and two kids we are still in love with each other, our church and God.

Good luck and prayers!

"By choosing sex with her over God, you’ve demonstrated to her that you have no trouble in compromising your belief system when it suits you.

Thus, according to your actions, your priorities are:

  1. Sexual pleasure
  2. Following God when it doesn’t interfere with your sexual pleasure
  3. Listening to her ideas when it doesn’t interfere with (1) or (2)
    This is not the recipe for a happy wife or a happy marriage."

Exactly why I believe he won’t change his living conditions.

Well - you have already made your choice. I am going to assume you know what the Church Teaches regarding Matrimony and Fornication. I wont belabor the fact that there is a reason the Church teaches what it teaches in Moral Theology. So now you seek to find a compromise in a relationship not built on Catholic Morality? Good luck with it. You have already travelled far down the road in the relationship. There probably isnt a good solution to this situation. Sorry if that sounds harsh - but it is reality. Is all hope lost? No , it isnt.

My suggestion is to do the will of GOD. Put GOD first. When emotions occur - say the Prayer - "Not my will but thine be done. " The only way you will ever be truly happy and at peace is if GOD is on your side. So I am not going to pray for Andrew and Tara. Instead I am going to pray that GOD’s Will be done in your life. There is nothing so important including relationships that exclude the Catholic from GOD’S love. We all go through trials in life. Maybe Tara will convert and we all hope she does - but if she doesnt - what are you going to do? Chase a woman who for all intents and purposes - is against your religion? Thats a decision that needs to be made not on emotion but through prayer and recollection. And only you can make the decision you know has to be made. I’ll pray for your strength in making it.

And if its GOD’s will she be your wife - then she will be because GOD opened her eyes to the truth. How long that takes if ever is anyones guess. So do the will of GOD. For your own happiness. You dont sound happy right now. Ask yourself why.


Wow. This is so sad. I’ve been in a situation almost exactly like this.

The first response to this post was the best advice. Be COMPLETELY Catholic. When you are, the non-Catholic usually sees a different person; a person he or she doesn’t really want to be with.

Stop lying to her about who you really are!

I hope you worked this out in 2010…

Thread is 2 years old – Please start a new one in Non Catholic Religions

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