I write this in a very difficult period that I am currently going through with a girl I’m “dating”. We’ve met one time for 3 days and even though I liked her we went straight to the relationship which caused me a LOT of stress (she lives 500 miles from me). I felt really bad (but also good sometimes, it was really confusing. Since then (we met just before the coronavirus breakout), I have very stressful times, I panick and just want it to end. If I manage to have more serene and calm periods (which are always a little cloudy because of the fear that the hard times will come back), these moments of anxiety always come back and have consequences on my health (loss of appetite, feeling sick, apathy, sleep disorders and sometimes nausea, a number of signs of a depressive state to sum up).
I am plagued and undermined by doubt and fear from many causes. I had a previous long-distance relationship that ended badly because I was forcing myself to stay with the girl in question, I suffer from a lack of self-confidence, a fear of commitment and being wrong, am I or can I be in love? (I tend to be very idealistic and perfectionist), the long-distance relationship does nothing to help these uncertainties.
I also put pressure on myself because this girl is amazing and I really want it to work, but I don’t know if I really have feelings for her or if it’s this painful state that prevents me from seeing things clearly. I must add that she, although very pretty and radiant, is not the type of girl that usually attracts me (I tend to go for brunettes a bit taller… I’m a bit ashamed to write this but it is important I think). I know that there is no such thing as the perfect and ideal partner, and I probably have a hard time getting used to it (although I’m far from being perfect myself).
It must also be said that we didn’t really leave each other much choice when we met and everything went very fast without really taking the time to get to know each other. I felt very bad during these three days and the ones that followed, exhausted by stress because I expected a lot (we often thought we would know at the meeting, but it was not the case). I know that we need to see each other for a longer period of time, but I get into a vicious circle of thoughts that lead me to tell myself that the next meeting won’t answer my questions either and will reinforce my doubts.
A priest we got in contact with said that these fluctuating feelings were indeed a sign that we were only at the beginning of our relationship and I agree. But the problem is that this failed start (btw, we decided to step back and take our time), the distance, the confinement, the fear of failure and disappointed hopes prevent me from regaining true serenity. I think that there is no miracle solution and that it is a work of patience (besides, I usually find comfort in prayer, when I change my mind and when I talk to her, she knows how to reassure me with her simplicity and delicacy) but it is very very hard on a daily basis.