Doubting about my relationship

Hello,

I write this in a very difficult period that I am currently going through with a girl I’m “dating”. We’ve met one time for 3 days and even though I liked her we went straight to the relationship which caused me a LOT of stress (she lives 500 miles from me). I felt really bad (but also good sometimes, it was really confusing. Since then (we met just before the coronavirus breakout), I have very stressful times, I panick and just want it to end. If I manage to have more serene and calm periods (which are always a little cloudy because of the fear that the hard times will come back), these moments of anxiety always come back and have consequences on my health (loss of appetite, feeling sick, apathy, sleep disorders and sometimes nausea, a number of signs of a depressive state to sum up).

I am plagued and undermined by doubt and fear from many causes. I had a previous long-distance relationship that ended badly because I was forcing myself to stay with the girl in question, I suffer from a lack of self-confidence, a fear of commitment and being wrong, am I or can I be in love? (I tend to be very idealistic and perfectionist), the long-distance relationship does nothing to help these uncertainties.

I also put pressure on myself because this girl is amazing and I really want it to work, but I don’t know if I really have feelings for her or if it’s this painful state that prevents me from seeing things clearly. I must add that she, although very pretty and radiant, is not the type of girl that usually attracts me (I tend to go for brunettes a bit taller… I’m a bit ashamed to write this but it is important I think). I know that there is no such thing as the perfect and ideal partner, and I probably have a hard time getting used to it (although I’m far from being perfect myself).

It must also be said that we didn’t really leave each other much choice when we met and everything went very fast without really taking the time to get to know each other. I felt very bad during these three days and the ones that followed, exhausted by stress because I expected a lot (we often thought we would know at the meeting, but it was not the case). I know that we need to see each other for a longer period of time, but I get into a vicious circle of thoughts that lead me to tell myself that the next meeting won’t answer my questions either and will reinforce my doubts.

A priest we got in contact with said that these fluctuating feelings were indeed a sign that we were only at the beginning of our relationship and I agree. But the problem is that this failed start (btw, we decided to step back and take our time), the distance, the confinement, the fear of failure and disappointed hopes prevent me from regaining true serenity. I think that there is no miracle solution and that it is a work of patience (besides, I usually find comfort in prayer, when I change my mind and when I talk to her, she knows how to reassure me with her simplicity and delicacy) but it is very very hard on a daily basis.

(following up)

These are some of the thoughts that have been running through my head since I met her. It is a state of great mental suffering, and more and more physical, which sometimes make me want to stop everything to be quiet. My greatest aspiration is to regain the calm and serenity without which nothing can succeed anyway. And my greatest happiness would be to make it work and be happy with her, because I have never met a girl with so many qualities and don’t think I will meet better ones (unless my youth (29 yo) pushes me more to go towards girls I like more physically but with less inner qualities…).

What’s your opinion about that?

Thank you for reading me and for the help you can give.

I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP. I really think you should talk to a therapist about your anxiety and all its causes. Online and phone appointments are offered by many therapists so you don’t necessarily have to wait for coronavirus to die down before you get help.

I’m glad you’ve taken a break from your relationship, because right now it’s not sounding healthy for you to be in one. I think perhaps it would help you if you stopped contacting each other for a while. You need to put your own mental health first and right now it seems like talking to her is making you more confused.

Get yourself into a place where you feel as though you want a relationship, and then have a girlfriend. Trying to do it the other way around doesn’t work.

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Thank you for your answer. I’m going to contact a therapist.

Actually I think it’s the opposite since when I’m on the phone with her I feel better. The distance is harming me because when we don’t talk I ask myself questions about my feelings, if they are true or not because I can’t see her (we say that boys love with the eyes and girls with the words). I need to see her to make up my mind but I can’t. Strong uncertainty is the hardest thing about it.

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God bless you for peace of mind and soul. I can tell you from long life experience that the relationship you build up with God will provide you with more soul-deep contentment and joy than any relationship with another person so I pray you will be able to spend a lot of time during this period with calming prayers to our Blessed Lady and our dear Lord. I find reading things the saints have written to help me draw close to God. Maybe this could help you too. I am sorry for your suffering with anxiety and problems. I will pray for you.

You don’t sound ready to be in this relationship right now. I’d say just let it go. If it’s meant to be, things will change.

Quite possibly a long distance relationship during Covid is too much for you.

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