Doubts in our relationship


#1

Hi all,

I am a 19 year old college student at a Catholic college, and I have been dating a 17 year old boy for almost a year now. We are both good Catholics who go to church together, and have had an amazing relationship together: pure, respectful, loving, etc.

In fact, we both have talked about getting married after college (we are both in our second year of college... he started when he was 15) Although we know this is well in the future, we always try to discuss this to make sure we are on the same page as to where our relationship is headed.

Now, the problem is, a week ago, he mentioned to me doubts he had about us. Nothing in particular, he just said "sometimes, I have trouble knowing what God wants me to do... I feel like sometimes I am called to be with you, other times, I worry and feel another call... I don't know what that other call is though, and if it is even a call."

Is this something normal? We love each other very much, and in a few weeks will be our anniversary. Does this mean we aren't called to be with each other or are doubts normal? Thank you!


#2

[quote="Rosa1234, post:1, topic:224775"]

Now, the problem is, a week ago, he mentioned to me doubts he had about us. Nothing in particular, he just said "sometimes, I have trouble knowing what God wants me to do... I feel like sometimes I am called to be with you, other times, I worry and feel another call... I don't know what that other call is though, and if it is even a call."

[/quote]

I don't know the answer either. Only God does. However, based on that statement he's not ready for marriage right now.
Remember, there is never a rush to get married. If you are meant to be together, God will provide for it and show you. Patience!

God Bless!


#3

You and he are quite young to be so serious. He may have a call to marriage-- and maybe with you and maybe not. He may have a call to the priesthood. You may have a call too, so listen to what God is trying to tell you. This is a time for you both to mature, develop, and discern. And you need to do some of that independently of each other.

It’s difficult to be in that in between space-- you have several years of school left yet you’ve become emotionally attached to and are talking about marriage with him. He’s only 17!!! Maybe he’s starting to feel a little overwhelmed at the expectations.

You both need some more time in the stew pot, I believe. So, maybe cool the jets and don’t put so much emphasis on “anniversaries” and being “boyfriend/girlfriend” at this point. Just take things as they come. Don’t insist on defining your relationship or on getting a commitment out of him regarding your future. I’m not sure you should be exclusively dating at this point in your lives either.

If it’s meant to be, it will work itself out.


#4

It is quite possible that he isn't being called to marry you, and if that were the case then you are not being called to marry him. Just wait it out and see what happens. I know it can be hard though.


#5

Let me rephrase my question, lol, cause it’s not so much about how old we are as to the question of the doubts he has been experiencing. I haven’t doubted my call to the married life, somehow, I just knew it was what God wanted from me… I have always worked with children and realized that being a mother and wife was my vocation… But only recently has my boyfriend doubted his call to us. My question is, is it normal to have doubts in a vocational call? Has anyone else experienced doubts prior to marriage or any other vocation? :confused:


#6

This may not be what you want to hear but this is very normal. He is 17. He doesnt know what he wants in life. Very few 17 year olds know what they want in life. His doubts are normal. It is scary for a guy at that age to face losing his freedom. Most guys his age arent thinking marriage. Most are thinking about how to get a date or when the next party is. Most want to have fun and be a teen. Your boyfriend is telling you that he needs space. He is probably feeling trapped by you. Marriage talk at age 17 is very rare and he probably has very few friends that are in his same situation. Some part of him probably wants to look at other women because he is 17 and he probably doesnt want to settle with the first ans only girl he ever dated, or one of the first.

My advice is to cool down the marriage talk. He is 17 and still a boy. He has a long way to go before he can discern marriage. He needs to have a job and way to support a family. At 17, he may not have ever worked a job before or maybe just a summer job. Most college boys arent ready until junior or senior year if it all and that is at the normal college age.


#7

It is often always normal to have "doubts" in any major decision. You seem to have made your mind up (which time and personal experiences which the will of God will sent to you, will inevitably change many ways in which you think on these present things) and he is still searching. The search, accompanied with great prayer and under the direction of God, will eventually come to an action which both of you must face together--or possibly apart. As all personal actions derive from personal decisions, one must also employ pray and reasoning to the action. This is all a part of life, particularly the in the young years you are in now.

As you are both young, you should not place too much emphasis on relationships at this time in your life, but rather on the goals you want to reach for the long term. Doing this may sometimes seem selfish, but it is a wise way to think. Far too many young people enter into marriage and discover, usually within the space of the first 6 months, that they made a mistake. If children are procreated, than the whole affair becomes even more dire and dismal. Think hard on the experiences (both bad and good) of others and you will always see the direction which you should consider.

Emotional maturity is paramount in making a relationship of any kind successful, and there are some individuals who never achieve this maturity, be they might even be 100 years old. The best religious do not want for human company, and that is just a quality that is necessary. One should never be offended by this, as to be a successful religious is to give oneself entirely to God. Your boyfriends decision can only be made by him and between him and God. Don't allow yourself to be set up for a fall if he decides to become a priest or religious, but be joyful and accept it with complete resignation. Talk to your priest about these things, as well. As you are young, life has much in store for you, God willing.

I hope the best for both of you, and that you always pray to God that His will is fulfilled. Keep studying hard and God bless you both.


#8

I was only recently in the same spot as you…now we’re 20 and 18 * and have been together three years…today. …it’s our anniversary. It’s not been easy. I’ve had periods of doubts, Grant’s had periods of doubts. We’ve fought, gotten extremely angry, wondered what we were still doing together…but at the end of the day, we both know we’re loved by the other and have no clue what we’d do without the other. We’re extremely interdependent, but this can be hard. I know from experience that he typically needs more time away from me, time with other friends, time to do nothing, etc., he still needs to be a “teenager.” I’m ready to move on. We’ve discussed marriage for years. We’re hoping to be married in either a year or 18 months [obviously on college breaks]. We’ll both be young. However, just know–we’re in the same boat. We’ve been there. It’s okay to wonder if things are fine. Grant had a slight “crush” for awhile while we were dating…it devastated me…but it’s normal…he was 16 1/2…a young boy. He’s grown a lot and so have I. I don’t even recognize the shy young teen he was when we started dating so much anymore…but I still love him. And I love who he is becoming.

But you will grow and change and so will he. You can grow and change together and become closer or you can grow and change apart. Only you two, together, will know when the right time for marriage is, if mariage is what you’re called to do. It is okay to be young and know you’ll get married someday too.

Good luck. Feel free to message me if you need to talk.*


#9

This may sound old and cliche but he may need the independence from the relationship to discern this with God. If you look back when this relationship started you were almost an adult at 17 - he was still in his midteens at 15. He may just need time to be young and independent - not to sin but to discern.

It is the old addage: If you love something let it go, if it does not come back it was never really yours.

Of course than there is the old Joe’s Crab Shack: If you love something let it go; if crawls table hit it with a hammer, dunk it butter and have a meal. Sorry I figured you needed a laugh.


#10

[quote="Rosa1234, post:1, topic:224775"]
Hi all,

I am a 19 year old college student at a Catholic college, and I have been dating a 17 year old boy for almost a year now. We are both good Catholics who go to church together, and have had an amazing relationship together: pure, respectful, loving, etc.

In fact, we both have talked about getting married after college (we are both in our second year of college... he started when he was 15) Although we know this is well in the future, we always try to discuss this to make sure we are on the same page as to where our relationship is headed.

Now, the problem is, a week ago, he mentioned to me doubts he had about us. Nothing in particular, he just said "sometimes, I have trouble knowing what God wants me to do... I feel like sometimes I am called to be with you, other times, I worry and feel another call... I don't know what that other call is though, and if it is even a call."

Is this something normal? We love each other very much, and in a few weeks will be our anniversary. Does this mean we aren't called to be with each other or are doubts normal? Thank you!

[/quote]

You call him a 17 year old BOY. That is what he is. He must be smart, having started college at age 15 or 16, but this does not mean that he is mature, as mature as you are, or mature enough for a serious, committed relationship. He must care about you or he might have already called things off. At 17, as a college sophomore, he and you are probably some of the youngest members of your class. Especially him. To start college at age 15/16! It would be hard to do that with no one to count on. He's out of his element around 18 and 19 year olds.

What do your parents think of this relationship, and what do his parents think? If you were my daughter, I'd sit you down and have a chat about this. I'd say you are getting quite serious thinking about marriage when this BOY is just 17. Sounds like you have the future pretty mapped out while he is still a little dodgy on how he fits into your plan. Or if he wants to be in your plan in the way you picture it.

I don't know that you will want to lighten things up, but since he is sending you a signal that he might be hearing a call in another area, I'd start detaching a little bit now.


#11

[quote="joandarc2008, post:9, topic:224775"]

Of course than there is the old Joe's Crab Shack: If you love something let it go; if crawls across the table hit it with a hammer, dunk it in butter and have a meal. Sorry I figured you needed a laugh.

[/quote]

:rotfl: Don't eat at Joe's so hadn't heard that one, thanks! LOL.


#12

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:10, topic:224775"]
You call him a 17 year old BOY. That is what he is. He must be smart, having started college at age 15 or 16, but this does not mean that he is mature, as mature as you are, or mature enough for a serious, committed relationship. He must care about you or he might have already called things off. At 17, as a college sophomore, he and you are probably some of the youngest members of your class. Especially him. To start college at age 15/16! It would be hard to do that with no one to count on. He's out of his element around 18 and 19 year olds.

[/quote]

The exact point I was going to make. Especially the part where the OP called him a "boy".


#13

It's normal to have doubts and cold feet as a relationship progresses deeper, but this probably also has something to do with the fact that he is still 17. I was 17 when I entered college and I knew what I always wanted most out of life was to be a wife and mother, but not everyone is like that. It is especially unusual for teenage boys to be so interested in married life.

Maybe you should talk to him about whether he's starting to feel nervous or trapped with all the talk about marriage. He might appreciate cooling it down for a while and just enjoying being with you without it looming over his head.


#14

I'm 20. If someone had been talking to me about marriage when I was 17 I would have been creeped out hard, no matter how I felt about them. Maybe just go easy on the future plans and try to just enjoy the now, eh?


#15

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