I recently submitted an application for a third party certification in which I knew full well that I distorted the information on the form. I have committed a mortal sin and my soul is eating me alive. The worst part about it is that I knew the whole time I could receive absolution, which is another mortal sin. Almost as bad is that I didn’t even need to distort the truth on the application. It was simply much easier than to do all the work. Had I done all the work, I would have been fine. However, I was fearful of being rejected, which is stupid. To make matters worse, I fear that when I go to confession today, I will be asked to tell my employer that I lied, and I could lose my job for it and my entire career could be in jeopardy and thus I fear for my livelihood and my family’s. Again, the stupid thing is that had all the necessary requirements, but chose to shift the dates around in order to make one portion appear acceptable. Yes, the item in and of itself was true, but the dates were off. I could have simply added other items with dates in the correct range, yet I did not. Prior to entering into this process, I didn’t know all of the facts of what I needed to be accepted, and thus I chose to “ensure” that my application for advancement would be accepted, because I was so far along into the process, when again, all I needed to do was put down the right information. I can’t unsubmit my application because of those things.
I have dropped to my knees and confessed to God Almighty and Our Lord Jesus Christ and truly do feel bad, and I have wronged God, and severed my relationship with Him, but absolute worst of all, I fear I will be accepted by this third party and it will be a weight on my shoulders all of my life, and that I have this strange voice in my mind saying “it’s okay, you will have career advancement, you don’t really feel bad, you are getting what you want”. THAT scares me deeply. I feel almost as though I 1) do feel bad and 2) don’t feel bad. What is wrong with me?!
Even though I confessed now, and will attend confession tonight, this dual feeling is haunting me. I wish I could resubmit my application and make it right, but I can’t. I want to be accepted on the right terms. If I am struck down before confession tonight, I feel I am not going where I would like to be going.