Dump my girlfriend or go with her ways?


#1

Hi everyone,

I am in a difficult situation. I am a new Catholic after finding my way to God through my pure, giving heart that just wanted to good if there was meaning in anything. I wanted to make a woman happy but love was meaning less without God and I found my way to the proofs of Catholicism - the only belief system with evidence to support it. So I follow it to the letter because God gave me free life so whatever way He says live by I accept gracefully. The problem is myself being in relationships with women… At this moment in time my girlfriend is trying to get me to ignore Catholic rules.

I have a girlfriend of 9 months and she is based in America whilst I am based in the UK. I am going to see her in June so that’d be 12 months together. We both love each other a lot but we both have different stances regarding intimacy when we meet. She said that romance cannot flurry if they are bounded by rules. She says that when I go over there we can do anything apart from my penis her her vagina. Now that is not what we are supposed to do according to the bible before marriage. She seems to say that it’s OK because we are young. She says that I need to get out more and that shewills only being intimate with me because we are together and it is the only way that romance can flurry.

So what do I do? I just want to be a good man for God and I can do anything with my life. Life is free for me so I will do anything that I have to - I don’t mind being single my whole life if I cannot find a woman who respects His laws before marriage. She respects God’s intercourse laws but I dunno. It does say in the bible that anyone who is with a woman in a sexual way must marry, but we won’t have actual intercourse so to speak.

Any ideas? I will post our messages below:


#2

I took her messages out.........


#3

Would it be OK to be with my girlfriend in such intimate ways? Would God be angry and burn me in Hell?


#4

It is a sin to seek sexual arousal outside normal intercourse with a person you're married to. Or to seek to quell that arousal by doing sexual things. Don't do it. And your girlfriend is more or less forcing your hand, which is not what you want a future wife to be doing to you. Say no and don't go along. What's imperative is that you keep your relationship with God healthy, not that "romance can flurry" with a particular woman.

And you're in my prayers. I've been where you are.


#5

There are women out there who will respect you for wanting to be chaste and love you for it. Find one of those, instead of compromising your morals and exposing yourself to diseases.

A good woman, even if she disagrees with you, would never try to force you into doing something that you were uncomfortable with. All these "rules" are in place for a reason- because they're what is best for us, not just because God says so.

Even if you don't have sex, you'd be using each other for pleasure. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to have?


#6

No, people find a lot of ways to try and rationalize their sins but there is no rationalization and no equivocation. It is not ok, on any level. I would seek the Lord first, you won't be happy.

Not that doesn't necessarly mean you have to just "give up" on this girl, if she truely loves you, and truely respects you she will accept this. Explain to her that you believe love can not truely grow into something beautiful if it is based on lies. And for you to pretend that "well because I'm young, it's ok to ignore the teachings of God" would be a lie.

God bless, you are in my prayers.


#7

[quote="Katie966, post:5, topic:232603"]
There are women out there who will respect you for wanting to be chaste and love you for it. Find one of those, instead of compromising your morals and exposing yourself to diseases.

A good woman, even if she disagrees with you, would never try to force you into doing something that you were uncomfortable with. All these "rules" are in place for a reason- because they're what is best for us, not just because God says so.

Even if you don't have sex, you'd be using each other for pleasure. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to have?

[/quote]

Thanks guys :) I have told her that we are over if she doesn't respect me.

I have sent this to her and I am now awaiting a response...

''First and foremost is my relationship with God. If you cannot be patient for me then you give up a very loving man. I cannot allow you to affect my relationship with God. If you do not respect my relationship with God and MUST make me SIN then we are over.

I can't believe it if you break up with me. You are going around life FOR YOURSELF. You are not living the word of God out as in the bible. In the bible it states that Satan mixes up LUST with LOVE but you should know as an intelligent woman that you are being deceived, did it not say in Sunday's readings that Satan was the best deceiver of them all? You are being deceived. I will not allow you to affect my relationship with God.

In the Catholic Catechism it says,

''1832 The fruits of the Spirit are perfections that the Holy Spirit forms in us as the first fruits of eternal glory. The tradition of the Church lists twelve of them: 'charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, chastity'.''

You are trying to stop me from being modest outside of marriage.

You are trying to stop me from fulfilling my state of chastity.

You are not being patient.

You are not acting in a kind/gentle way by waiting for me until marriage.

You are not in a state of peace in your heart if you are not willing to wait until marriage.

If you don't respect my relationship with God and feel the need to break your own 12 fruits of eternal glory then we are history...

You are forcing me to sin. I love you as a person would with the 12 fruits of eternal glory in their heart and you are one confused lady. If you want to turn down me and our loving relationship because you needed a sexual connection before marriage, then go find some crazy Catholic guy who would do that with you. Our love, your beauty and your riches are nothing to me if you do not respect my relationship with God.

I will remain friends with you if you cannot respect me, but I am going to go straight onto Catholic Match to find a woman who will respect me if you respond and state that you will not be patient for me, and then she can be very sexual and have a ''wondeful man'' with her because she was patient and she had teh 12 fruits of eternal life. All you need is patience and I am yours :)

Your mind is not as a Catholic mind should be. Satan has sold you the idea that lust must go with love... You are very wrong...''


#8

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:1, topic:232603"]
Hi everyone,

I am in a difficult situation. I am a new Catholic after finding my way to God through my pure, giving heart that just wanted to good if there was meaning in anything. I wanted to make a woman happy but love was meaning less without God and I found my way to the proofs of Catholicism - the only belief system with evidence to support it. So I follow it to the letter because God gave me free life so whatever way He says live by I accept gracefully. The problem is myself being in relationships with women....... At this moment in time my girlfriend is trying to get me to ignore Catholic rules.

I have a girlfriend of 9 months and she is based in America whilst I am based in the UK. I am going to see her in June so that'd be 12 months together. We both love each other a lot but we both have different stances regarding intimacy when we meet. She said that romance cannot flurry if they are bounded by rules. She says that when I go over there we can do anything apart from my penis her her vagina. Now that is not what we are supposed to do according to the bible before marriage. She seems to say that it's OK because we are young. She says that I need to get out more and that shewills only being intimate with me because we are together and it is the only way that romance can flurry.

So what do I do? I just want to be a good man for God and I can do anything with my life. Life is free for me so I will do anything that I have to - I don't mind being single my whole life if I cannot find a woman who respects His laws before marriage. She respects God's intercourse laws but I dunno. It does say in the bible that anyone who is with a woman in a sexual way must marry, but we won't have actual intercourse so to speak.

Any ideas? I will post our messages below:

[/quote]

So, according to the excerpts from your post below from another of your threads, it is my understanding that you haven't actually personally met this woman yet? You only have an internet relationship with her? If that is the case, to me, the question you ask in the subject line is a simple one to answer and you already did so in your post below with the bolded words. You know that your girlfriend is clearly being misled. Do not allow yourself to also be misled. Save sex for marriage.

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:1, topic:230247"]
Hi Everyone

I have a long story but I will start with the main point first: I am a new Catholic and God says that we must not have sex before marriage or lust at all etc. but yet most Catholics are very liberal - including my girlfriend. I am from the UK and I have been in an internet relationship with my girlfriend who lives in America. ...

...So by looking at how my girlfriend, of 7.5 months who I've never met in person yet but will in June, is clearly being misled by as God states 'the evil one.' She is basing her life on something that is not as God puts it 'yes or no', she is twisting it so that it is about emotions. "...

[/quote]


#9

NewCatholicUK,

I'm glad to see you are seeking the Lord first! :thumbsup:


#10

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:3, topic:232603"]
Would it be OK to be with my girlfriend in such intimate ways? Would God be angry and burn me in Hell?

[/quote]

being together with a woman in that way is called "marriage"
if you are not married you are breaking at least 3 commandments, willingly, with full knowledge, and moreover lying every time you say "I love you"

If you are ready for intimacy that involves disturbing clothing you are ready for marriage. If you are not ready for marriage you are not ready for any of its privileges.

you did not mention the third, and real, choice, stand up and be a man and set the parameters for this relationship based on God's law, love for the lady that respects her as a person and a woman, and plans for a real future based on true intimacy of mind and heart, which cannot be achieved if premature physical intimacy destroys its growth.


#11

I find it funny that she says, "romance cannot flurry if they are bounded by rules", and then goes on to establish a rule. "She says that when I go over there we can do anything apart from (actual intercourse)".

If she does nto want romance to be bounded by rules, how would she feel if you flirted with, dated etc other girls? My suspecion is that she would not be OK with it....and rightly so...

So the bottom line on the rules issue is that it's NOT that she wants no rules but that she wants her rules.

I believe that you both love one another, but at least one of you has changed fundamentally since you met. This fundamental issue needs to be resolved before you meet again in June. Either she loves you enough to respect your beliefs and to not endanger your soul, or she does not. It's really that simple.

If she does love you enough to hold back, she may find many wonderful new avenues of "romance" and "intimacy" opening up. She may find many new things about herself and about you as a strong, loving, gentle, caring man and potential husband and father.

If she does NOT love you enough to hold back, you will find that she is more interested in her pleasure than in your soul. That she does not respect you as a person of conviction and will resent your strength. That she is not so much interested in cleaving to you in teh total committment of marriage, as she is in having a "romantiv fling" in the style of the secular world.
You will begin to see that such a person is not spiritually compatible enough to be counted on as a life partner and mother to your children

May God guide you.

Peace
James


#12

Dear NewCatholicUK,

Your internet friend is wrong, of course. You already know that. She is already pressuring you to sin! She has never met you in person and is being aggressive so that you are doubting what you know is right and wrong! This is not someone you even want to call "girlfriend.' Once your virginity is gone, you cannot get it back, and that means other forms of sex besides intercourse too. It's also very difficult for men to stop once certain barriers are crossed, which can lead to intercourse and then you have taken the gift meant for your future wife and given it to someone else. Some might say, "Well, this girl might become his wife eventually," but to that I would say, "Not if she is pressuring him to sin, never even having been in his company!"

I would urge you to stick to meeting girls in person, girls who you meet through a friend who is also religious (Catholic) or at church. Talking to people over the internet is not always a good way to be able to judge who a person really is. I know that some people meet their spouses on the internet but as I read your posts on this forum, I think you are not as "street-wise" as some older adults might be, and perhaps coming from another country of origin?

If I could give you one piece of advice about this girl it would be not to meet her at all. I'm sure it's great to have someone to consider as your girlfriend but if someone is willing to urge you into sin without ever having met you in person, I don't think that is the kind of person you want to spend time with.

I'll be praying for you!


#13

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:1, topic:232603"]
So what do I do?

[/quote]

Get a new girlfriend. One who shares your values and your love of God. One who will be a good Catholic wife for you and good mother to your children.

This one is NOT going to be those things.


#14

[quote="JRKH, post:11, topic:232603"]
...I believe that you both love one another, but at least one of you has changed fundamentally since you met. This fundamental issue needs to be resolved before you meet again in June. ...

[/quote]

Have they actually personally met each other yet? It appears to me that they have not, but have only communicated on the internet.

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:1, topic:230247"]
Hi Everyone

I have a long story but I will start with the main point first: I am a new Catholic and God says that we must not have sex before marriage or lust at all etc. but yet most Catholics are very liberal - including my girlfriend. I am from the UK and I have been in an internet relationship with my girlfriend who lives in America. ...

,,,So by looking at how my girlfriend, of 7.5 months who I've never met in person yet but will in June, is clearly being misled by as God states 'the evil one.' ...

[/quote]


#15

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:3, topic:232603"]
Would it be OK to be with my girlfriend in such intimate ways?

[/quote]

No.

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:3, topic:232603"]
Would God be angry and burn me in Hell?

[/quote]

You know that these things are wrong, sins. You are being pressured by someone to do things that sin against God. That is NOT love. She does not love you. She doesn't even understand what love is.

If you commit sins willingly and knowingly, you are in a state of mortal sin. If you do not confess them, or are not sorry for them, then yes you might very well end up separated from God in Hell. You can certainly repent of sins, but must have true sorry and firmly promise not to do them again. The best course of action is to not start sinning in this way.


#16

[quote="puzzleannie, post:10, topic:232603"]
being together with a woman in that way is called "marriage"
if you are not married you are breaking at least 3 commandments, willingly, with full knowledge, and moreover lying every time you say "I love you"

If you are ready for intimacy that involves disturbing clothing you are ready for marriage. If you are not ready for marriage you are not ready for any of its privileges.

you did not mention the third, and real, choice, stand up and be a man and set the parameters for this relationship based on God's law, love for the lady that respects her as a person and a woman, and plans for a real future based on true intimacy of mind and heart, which cannot be achieved if premature physical intimacy destroys its growth.

[/quote]

Very sound advice, this.


#17

Yep. :thumbsup:


#18

[quote="NewCatholicUK, post:7, topic:232603"]
Thanks guys :) I have told her that we are over if she doesn't respect me.

I have sent this to her and I am now awaiting a response...

''First and foremost is my relationship with God. If you cannot be patient for me then you give up a very loving man. I cannot allow you to affect my relationship with God. If you do not respect my relationship with God and MUST make me SIN then we are over.

I can't believe it if you break up with me. You are going around life FOR YOURSELF. You are not living the word of God out as in the bible. In the bible it states that Satan mixes up LUST with LOVE but you should know as an intelligent woman that you are being deceived, did it not say in Sunday's readings that Satan was the best deceiver of them all? You are being deceived. I will not allow you to affect my relationship with God.

In the Catholic Catechism it says,

''1832 The fruits of the Spirit are perfections that the Holy Spirit forms in us as the first fruits of eternal glory. The tradition of the Church lists twelve of them: 'charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, chastity'.''

You are trying to stop me from being modest outside of marriage.

You are trying to stop me from fulfilling my state of chastity.

You are not being patient.

You are not acting in a kind/gentle way by waiting for me until marriage.

You are not in a state of peace in your heart if you are not willing to wait until marriage.

If you don't respect my relationship with God and feel the need to break your own 12 fruits of eternal glory then we are history...

You are forcing me to sin. I love you as a person would with the 12 fruits of eternal glory in their heart and you are one confused lady. If you want to turn down me and our loving relationship because you needed a sexual connection before marriage, then go find some crazy Catholic guy who would do that with you. Our love, your beauty and your riches are nothing to me if you do not respect my relationship with God.

I will remain friends with you if you cannot respect me, but I am going to go straight onto Catholic Match to find a woman who will respect me if you respond and state that you will not be patient for me, and then she can be very sexual and have a ''wondeful man'' with her because she was patient and she had teh 12 fruits of eternal life. All you need is patience and I am yours :)

Your mind is not as a Catholic mind should be. Satan has sold you the idea that lust must go with love... You are very wrong...''

[/quote]

I think you answered your own questions with your response to your girlfriend.:thumbsup:

(Sorry, all, I'm reading the thread from bottom to top and posting out of order, which means I need to stop posting now and go have some coffee.):)


#19

[quote="JRKH, post:11, topic:232603"]
I find it funny that she says, "romance cannot flurry if they are bounded by rules", and then goes on to establish a rule. "She says that when I go over there we can do anything apart from (actual intercourse)".

If she does nto want romance to be bounded by rules, how would she feel if you flirted with, dated etc other girls? My suspecion is that she would not be OK with it....and rightly so...

So the bottom line on the rules issue is that it's NOT that she wants no rules but that she wants her rules.

I believe that you both love one another, but at least one of you has changed fundamentally since you met. This fundamental issue needs to be resolved before you meet again in June. Either she loves you enough to respect your beliefs and to not endanger your soul, or she does not. It's really that simple.

If she does love you enough to hold back, she may find many wonderful new avenues of "romance" and "intimacy" opening up. She may find many new things about herself and about you as a strong, loving, gentle, caring man and potential husband and father.

If she does NOT love you enough to hold back, you will find that she is more interested in her pleasure than in your soul. That she does not respect you as a person of conviction and will resent your strength. That she is not so much interested in cleaving to you in teh total committment of marriage, as she is in having a "romantiv fling" in the style of the secular world.
You will begin to see that such a person is not spiritually compatible enough to be counted on as a life partner and mother to your children

May God guide you.

Peace
James

[/quote]

Oh damn... she was very angry after I had sent that email and she said that she was willing to respect me...

Last night she sent an email saying that it is her way or the highway... So I said if you don't respect me we are over... We have been going backwards and forwards over this matter because I love her very much and she loves me enough to trust me with her body..

If I had just been strong and said no to start with then we'd have been OK... maybe we don't suit each other if she is such a bad person... I mean she said that she was waiting until marriage when I met and she is a virgin, but now she we love each other a lot we are just having disputes over sexual contact...

I want to be with her and also to be a great Catholic... I am not so impressed with her attitude... I mean how dare she go against God? Is she nuts? I never knew that she'd be like this... imagine her bringing up my kids...

We may be OK in the end... although I am on another level from her with Catholicism since I was reborn... Maybe we will work out but she is getting pissed off and she said that she has been turning down tonnes of guys for me so she would be fine...

In the end all I wanted to do was to make a Catholic woman happy who was holy and fun... This woman is not so holy... she can be quite aggressive at times... She is willing to do anything but sex... I am sure that she can find another man to please her - sounds like it with her list. She is beautiful, rich, fun and passionate... I do love her for her... I dunno what to do... if she doesn't want to be with me it's not the end of the world... she's not really a Catholic... she is not the kind of woman who i wanted to make happy... but i cant find any women who are passionate and holy...

i dunno.......................... i will try work it out with her.............. she is nuts............. she said that she will respect me and if we can manage to sort this out then we will be ok, i guess................. she's dirty...................... i can't believe that she'd actually do anything but sex with me before marriage............. calls herself a Catholic............... huh???????


#20

Not being in your shoes and not knowing your heart, I cannot say for sure, but - - -

If it were me, I'd drop it. I'm 56 years old and and made a very bad mistake in my first marriage and frankly some of what you write sounds frighteningly familiar.

If she is similar to my first wife, the "my way or the highway", attitude will keep resurfacing. She may be fun, she may talk a good game about respecting you, and she may seem like a good deal, but if she can take on a hard and aggressive attitude with you, she's not the one.

It took me 19 years to finally call it quits on the first marriage. I'm now married to my true soulmate and life is good and blessed and peaceful.

Peace
James


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.