This is my first post here and the reason I am posting is because I feel really lost right now! I am suffering from an eating disorder!
A few years ago I attended dance school and danced with people who obsessed about their weight and were convinced to the core of their being that they were fat, and the were really not… but being around these people continuously who were extremely thin made me look fat and because of this I developed bulimia and suffered for many months. The only reason it stopped was because I left dance school to get away from it and I haven’t danced since… mainly for the fear of becoming sick again. Back then I didn’t go to Church and I had no faith, my parents never brought us and we never even spoke about God, however a year and a half ago God found me. I suddenly started praying once a week, then everyday, then going to Mass and until recently I had an extremely good prayer life.
This year has been an unusual year for me, I moved from England to America with my family to go to school (my parents moved here for my Dads work) so I have had to start my life over and also my Granddad passed away and I had to miss a couple of weeks of school as I went to his funeral which was back in England, so I had a lot of catching up to do when I returned. So I guess I have been in a more vulnerable state than before but my faith stayed strong throughout all of this, and I have been blessed with some good friends in America, even changed my major to Theology and have a fantastic boyfriend who is a strong Catholic and who is extremely prayerful and supportive of me… we even go to mass together many mornings before I go to college.
The problem is that over the last 2 months my obsession with food has been returning, and now it is at a point which is really bad again. I hate the thought of food and I make every excuse I can think of not to eat! If I do eat I don’t eat very much and I make myself throw up afterwards. Not after every meal but most. I also take laxatives and too many painkillers to help me get the food out of my system quicker so that I don’t have time to absorb it. It is making me lose weight definitely but its making my skin, lips and hair dry/cracked, giving me the worst stomach and headaches, and I barely sleep, as well as feeling like I am about to have a heart attack.
Logically I know I don’t want to be like this, or need to do it. I know I am not overweight… I weigh 124lbs and I am 5’4", yesterday I weighed 128.2…and tomorrow I know that if I stand on that scale and I’m not 122lbs I will cry, that’s how quickly I am losing weight.
I know it sounds stupid, immature and self obsessed and people keep telling me that… but that doesn’t stop the problem. I have told my boyfriend and he is trying to help, I have also confided in my best friend who lives in London and my two co-workers as they are also Catholic and good teachers (I still have so much to learn about our faith). These people as amazing and kind as they are is not helping. They too focus on it being a self-obsession and sinful and displeasing to God, and right now while I am feeling okay I know and understand this and completely agree and I KNOW that they are right, but it doesn’t help me to stop!
I have prayed about it but I have to stop praying half way through to throw up, as now my body does it automatically when I think of it. I feel as if it is pulling me away from God… I don’t understand why I suddenly have such a bad body image, or feel the need to do this… I was fine before hand. I’ve had such a good prayer life, going to Mass daily, going to confession, sinning as little as I can manage… yet it comes back when I’m closest to God than ever. Me not being able to understand that is most definitely pulling me away. I don’t want to be away.
I am now in a place where I don’t know what to do… I can’t tell my parents as they will just dismiss it like they did last time, I can’t go to the doctor as I am on my parents insurance and they won’t pay for it, I was thinking about going to my Priest but I don’t want to waste their time… I am fully aware that there are people in situations a million times worse than mine and that I am being selfish even complaining about this and I should be more grateful for what I have… but like I’ve said before even though I KNOW these things it doesn’t change my problem.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, take care.