Embarrassed but I need to ask

A doctor I know prescribes “Scream Cream”. She says it works.

It’s a real thing… Google it or ask your MD.

I have tried to fantacize hoping that it would make things easier but actually it makes it harder for me. Even when I am by myself it isn’t easy. I have to focus very intently on how my body is feeling or else I don’t feel anything at all. I cant think about anything else. I think that is the problem with my husband. When I am with him there is so much happening physically and emotionally for me that I cant keep focus. I dunno. It sounds weird and I haven’t heard of anyone else this way so it makes me feel like I am damaged somehow.

haha wow. Never heard of that. Thanks.

You said you start to feel irritable after a couple of weeks and finally you take care of business. Do you feel free and honest enough with your husband to take that attitude of irritability and really just get to work on him? Could be a problem if you are trying to fill a particular role (like the submissive wife) or otherwise putting on an act.

Get to work on him? I don’t think I know what you mean.

Well if you are feeling angry or resentful (or any emotion) when you have sex it seems like the way you are having sex, the attitude that you bring to bed, should be honestly reflected. I guess I am asking if you are being emotionally honest with how you have sex? For example, if you feel angry or resentful you might be a little bit rougher in bed (or however you express it).

Hmm. Well I do try to hide my frustration because I don’t want to make him feel like less of a man or like he is doing something wrong. Its really not him. Its me.

I’m not suggesting that you verbally express yourself or purposely try to turn him off. If you don’t already do it, then try to physically express yourself in the context of love making. So if I am with a woman who is resenting me a little (but loves me) she might bite me while we are having sex. Not enough to really hurt me of course. She doesn’t have to tell me why. That’s not the point. The point is, she is expressing what she is feeling to me with her body. I’m not saying you need to bite your husband. That’s just an example. Instead of hiding or suppressing your emotions, find a way to express yourself physically to him when you are having sex. It’s not that important if he totally understands everything you do but it might make the sex more emotionally rewarding.

He already feels like less of a man, and he already feels like he is doing something wrong. If you want intimacy with him, you have to be honest and open. You can cushion it, of course, by saying “Now I’m not saying this is rational, but this is how I feel.”

Verbal intimacy with your husband, about such things, will be just as rewarding (if not more rewarding!) than great sex. You can’t be intimate when you’re hiding.

It’s your choice of course if you want to be verbal about your dissatisfaction. Prodigal is right of course that verbal intimacy is a great thing. I’m just saying that it sounds like your holding back. You feel unhappy and you hide it. That’s not the greatest place to be when you are having sex. A man will also have trouble with sex if he is unhappy. It might take the form of not being able to become erect or reach climax too. That is one thing about being a man that is a little different from a woman. For a man, his mood, and the conditions have to be right for him from the start to have an erection. Especially as he gets older (typically). It’s harder for a man to hide if he is not really into it.

You say the problem isn’t your husband, it’s you. How into you does your husband appear to be? Is he passionate? Do you feel like he is making love to >you< or does it seem like he performing? Does he kiss you while he making love, what does he do with his hands, does he look at your eyes, etc etc. Or does it seem like he trying to emulate some guy he saw in a porn flick (a performance)?

Porn is so counterproductive. I think there has got to be a real emotional honesty and release from both lovers for the sex to be truly satisfying.

I would suggest some extended time alone with your husband without sex to reestablish your relationship. I’m sorry, but if I was in his shoes, I would not be comfortable even having relations if I was the only one ‘enjoying’ it. You both might want to consider counseling as well to deepen your non-sexual relationship. Furthermore, the more pressure you put on achieving ‘it’, sometimes the more difficult it can be. Trust yourself - It could be that your lack of climaxing during lovemaking is an indicator of a need for something more out of your relationship. Put sex on the back burner for a while and spend some time with each other.

Maybe I missed this part somewhere, but if you are only able to bring yourself to orgasm, why not work that into the lovemaking? Either foreplay/during/afterwards. That way everyone wins, and your soul isn’t hurt at all. You are allowed to help out during sex.

My husband and I have been married several years as well, and I have never, by any means, had an orgasm. I feel that I may be getting close though, so I keep trucking on, but I very much understand that resentment that comes with not having as much fun as him. It made me sick for a while and I got so mad at the idea of sex, this thing that’s supposed to bring you even closer together that is just making me seethe, and lay awake angry for hours afterwards.

Talk to your husband; don’t worry about hurting his feelings. This is not just your burden to carry. You are married, you should be honest with him about this.

You are not abnormal believe me! I have been there myself.
First, take a few days off. Get some warming gel or lube of some type. Fill your head with positive images of you and your husband making love. Of how you want it to be. What turns you on? Stuff like that. Then incorporate what makes YOU happy into a lovemaking session. Maybe tell your husband you want to try something new. (That’ll probably make him happy if he’s like my husband.) When you’re making love, focus on what turns you on even if it seems like it “takes too long”.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of women have this problem.
I’ll pray for you.

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