Emergency please help me


#1

Friends who have been following my story, I need some desperate advice.

OK you know my saga, separated 4 times in the past 2 years for a stripper chasing husband----the same stripper who my h's been in love with for 3 years now.....

Well we've been back together living together now for a few months. A month ago, he phoned her for 1 minute, after he claimed it was OVER. I saw this on his cell records on line. He said "it was a mistake". OK, the phone dialed itself. Right.

Yesterday he took our car going to visit his parents, 7 miles away!!!! I noted the odometer Sunday night.

I was busy in my room office job hunting, writing letters, etc. So didn't even come out for most the day. I saw him maybe 6 hours later.

Today I notice he put 100 miles on our car yesterday!!!!! I asked him where he went besides his folks, he claimed "shopping" yet came home with nothing. Shopping would not be 100 miles of driving--maybe 10 additional. And men do not go window shopping. My h doesn't. He only goes when he needs something. I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I FEEL IN MY GUT AND IN MY INTUITION HE WENT TO THE STRIP CLUB YESTERDAY. I asked him today to please be honest with me, and he proceeded with his lies. Or so I feel.
I told him he should move out, for good this time. THAT I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE AND THAT I CANNOT BE MARRIED TO A HUSBAND I CAN'T TRUST. He said "I don't want to be married to you anymore either". He claims that's what he did yesterday, which I feel is ridiculous! I feel he went there. Monday is half price on all nude lap dances too~! He knows this full well. What explains those 100 miles? That totally accounts for this place as it's about 40 miles away.

Was I wrong to ask him to move out again? I am literally sick because of all this.!!!!! I am going to get physically ill. I do not trust him. He is not making any effort to change, has quit seeing his counselor, and claims sports is more important than his men's bible study so hasn't gone to this for 2 weeks now either.

He is also flirting with girls on his facebook! So I just saw just now. One gal says for him to "stop it, she's involved and he's married". I'm trying to print this out to show him. It's disgusting and sad.

Is the right decision to make? Asking him to leave because of lack of trust? I have no proof of yesterday where he went, just a gut feeling. What do any of you think about this? Please write back soon

I cannot take it! Yet I still have no job. We have no marriage any longer. He lies, deceives me, betrayed me, and keeps doing it.

When he gets home from work tonight, all ___ will hit the fan I am afraid. I still have no job, yet this is turning into severe emotional abuse. My counselor said this to me. She is right. He disrespects me, and this really hurts alot. I am so scared. I need my Blessed Mother and God to intervene. Please pray for me today!

I do not know how I'll make it alone. Or even be strong enough to get a job. I've been through so much.

Love,
Corinne

Please let me hear from you.

Corinne


#2

Have you ever prayed the Memorare?

The Memorare

Remember,
O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known
that anyone who
fled to your protection,
implored your help or
sought your intercession,
was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence,
I fly unto you,
O Virgin of virgins
my Mother;
to you I come,
before you I kneel,
sinful and sorrowful;
O Mother of
the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in your clemency
hear and answer me.
Amen.

Our Blessed Mother will intercede for you, on that you can count. You will find the strength and courage to do what you need to do.


#3

I’m sorry, i don’t know your story, like if you have kids or not, but he sounds like he is not committed to the marriage at all. if you truly have no income and you have little kids to support, it will be hard for you to go on your own. you could try going to college and getting a profession. but than to put up with him would be too much for you. If he is the one cheating, you could kick him out and he would have to pay you alimony, and pay the mortgage. good luck to you…i’lll pray for you


#4

I know what I would do in this situation.
Pack his bags and have them standing in the hall ready to go.
He obviously has problems and is dragging you with him. This is soul-destroying for you.
He needs to leave and you need to live your life without this nonsense.
I will pray for you. It sounds as though you have done everything you can for your marriage to survive, but it takes two.


#5

I know that these days, both people have paying jobs in a marriage. You didn't mention if your husband is working. If he is working, how can he have the energy to do what you say that he is doing, running off with the car, going to a strip club, etc. If you can save your marriage, I would try. You would need to refocus from job hunting to marriage saving. Go back, in your thinking, to the days when women were primarily the nurturing person who kept the home fires burning. If you can keep him home then, ask him to get a checkup, when it comes to the point that he wants to become affectionate and loving again. I am sure that all a man wants is to be fed, kept clean and receive affection, instinctly. Be kind to him.


#6

You've been separated 4 times and taken him back which is more than generous. It's over. Taking any more is ridiculous. He has to WANT to change and obviously doesn't.

Change the locks. Make HIM find a place to live. I hope you have friends or family around who can help you financially until you can find a job.

I'll pray for you.

Gem


#7

I don't know how you've been able to put up with this for as long as you have. It's very sad and upsetting to hear about his lack of respect for you as a wife. Emotional abuse is still definitely abuse. It sounds like your counselor has been trying to help also which is very good.

Have you been able to talk with a priest at all? If not, please try. I know the sacrament of matrimony is sacred and "for better or for worse," but I firmly believe Our Lord does not want us to be doormats either. Please also keep praying in earnest for the strength and courage to do whatever is necessary.

Sending a prayer your way. May God keep you in His loving embrace through all of this.


#8

I am so sorry for your suffering, but for your own dignity you need to have him move out. I do pray that you have family to help you. If not, go to a church for assistance.

You will be able to get a job. Ask at a local church for help with this. They may have someone who will help you prepare for interviews, etc. Try calling Focus on the Family and tell them your needs. They could connect you with the nearest church with the programs you need. Speaking of Focus on the Family, you could try reading Dr. Dobson’s book Love Must Be Tough. It speaks to your situation. You can’t force your husband to be faithful, but you can choose how you will respond. Letting the ____ hit the fan, as you say, is not the right response. If you mean you are going to fly off the handle, that, too, is beneath your dignity. If he wants to stay married to you (apparently not), then he will have to show that he has standards, high standards, that he can live up to. If not, then what, really, are you losing? If you let him keep coming back, what you will lose is your grip on reality. It’s awful to live with a liar, because you WANT to believe him so you think you must be nuts to doubt him. Yes, dear, he is lying to you. There’s not much you can discuss with a liar, so don’t bother trying.

I’d like to reference Catholic resources for you, but it still seems that Protestant churches for some reason are more responsive to these types of needs than Catholic parishes. Perhaps that is not true in your area as it is in mine. Definitely contact your diocese to see what they have available for you.

God bless you. I’ll pray for you.


#9

I'd say "tough love". Kick him out and let him know the consequences of his behavior.

I haven't kept up, but from what it sounds like, he is taking you for granted.

It may help you to have the break--- is there also a friend or relative who can come stay with you that will morally support you?

Separating is not a sin, nor is divorce IF if comes to that UNLESS one of you remarries without the Church's blessing, of course.

I'm praying very hard for you too. I was married to someone a lot like this.

big huge hug


#10

Corinne,

Trust your gut. I know how scary this is for you, but you seriously need to listen to your counselors and priests. They know your husband and they know you. They can see clearly when a situation is too negative and unhealthy. This is not healthy, to keep going through this over and over again. Enough is enough. He has completely eroded your trust, which is the bedrock of marriage.

He doesn’t care what you think nor what you say. So don’t say it. Do the 180 that I told you about the other day, so you can find yourself in a healthy place. Don’t expect anything of him because he is just going to continue to disappoint.

I know how terrifying this can be, having been there too. I have since learned to live by two mottos: “One Day at a Time”, and “Let God and Let Go.”

Big hugs for you at this difficult time!


#11

Coming at this from a new angle Corrine: I think you know what you have to do. Steel yourself and accept that it wil be the toughest thing you do in your life....and it will be. Delaying only will string out the pain and tumult.

I used to volunteer on a team associated with a womens shelter to extract women stuck in abusive relationships looking to escape safely.

Start developing a plan......focus on the plan and a lot of that fear will be displaced. Time to get serious about your decision and take action.

  1. Get some legal advice about protecting your assets and garnishing his wages
  2. Find support. From family, friends, social services, womens bar association (free legal services) and area shelters. You need people in your life that will be there for you. Don't be afraid to lean on people. You would be there for them....now it is their turn to help you.
  3. Get control of your family bank accounts; put him on a allowance...or let the courts decide that.
  4. Talk to a police officer and ask them whats legal and whats not. If you find he is violating laws; drunken driving, prostitution, drugs, disorderly conduct, intimidation, abuse/assault. Call the police and get a written report for every violation - whether you prosecute or not. Get and compile those reports. you are building a case
  5. Start a journal of behavior. Write everything down, date it and log witnesses. Keep opinion out of it. Just the facts without hyperbole.

Stop trying to get a concensus of opinion my friend. Steel yourself and act. You don't have to be dripping with anger or vitriol in order to act. You can do alll of the above with a sense of pity, regret, saddness at the dissolution of a marriage and pray that he finds peace. But you have found yours in a decision that will chart a healthy course for your life....and a good example of boundaries and standards for your children to emulate. They will respect you.

You will respect you.............


#12

I am so sorry for your pain - I am coming late -

It is really tough to get a job now. I don't want to recommend this to anyone but if you need to will you be able to get alimony in a divorce - have you consulted lawyer.

How old are your children - how many?

What does your priest say?

I will pray for you - but be as close to the Lord as possible - daily Mass and Eucharist will do nothing but help.


#13

I know the inevitable is here and happening. Our marriage is over. I have given him WAY WAY more love, chances, forgiveness, and tries again. I have none left to give. He is doing the same behavior!!!!!! I am killing myself over it. I am feeling sick, I am drinking heavily at times, and I am in horrible horrible inner pain.

Another thing mentioned here is this and its true: I have just prolonged the pain, misery and distress, and prolonged my healing and getting on with my life by letting him keep moving back, and him retreating to the same behavior. TWO YEARS wasted now, but I can';t say I didn't try my hardest. I did. He did nothing. I saw NO evidence of repentence, remorse, nothing. He merely said it was "OVER". Words alone, nothing more.

DOES THIS INCIDENT WARRANT ME ASKING HIM TO LEAVE? This is what I am asking you all. Even having no job???? I have no family to help me. No friends to assist me. Nothing.

Or should we do an in-house separation with him sleeping on the couch? What do you think Alina? 180 here? until I am ready to leave and move, or kick him out now? I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

Should I give him a few days to pack up and leave or kick him out pronto?

Help!

Answers: He has no money and has been on unemployment for 2 years. I have not worked for 5 years except on little temp assignments here and there. I do have 2 interviews later in the week, but I have job searched during the past 2 years and found nothing! Just a couple 1 day temp jobs........

Kids are older teens.

Priests say I have every reason for annulment, that he is mixed up, and he doesn't love me, he loves his sin, and he doesn't respect me at all and is abusive emotionally. True.

My dignity is suffering.

Thank you.

I went to Mass tonight to pray, and ponder and hear God's leading here. Before I jump in haste and anger like all the other times. I cannot possibly have him in my bed. I know this.

Thank you all,

Corinne~


#14

I am glad you have a supportive priest - I wish I could give you a hug or help you out in some other way but thats the tough things with online forums.

If you are safe and you feel he can keep the porn out of the house I would (IMHO) would allow him to stay in the house for now. I cannot tell you what to do though. That is completely up to you - I do not know your situation - I only know what have you have written in this thread. Remember your priorities:

1) Children's Safety
2) Your Safety
3) Charity To Him = Service to the Lord

I hope that helps in some weird manner


#15

Thank you. Poster above, it's not just porn, it's sneaking off to a strip club for nude lap dances with the same stripper he's been seeing for 3 years now! That's pretty severe! What would you do fellow wives? You, above dear if you found this out?

My one son would be in more dire trouble without my h in the home I know this. We live in a very tough neighborhood, and once I am working, my son would be out with the wrong kids for most the day, if my h were not here. I would be a single parent in this bad neighborhood, while my h would be out dilly dallying, stripper going. When I move away the area is lovely and I have some family there. That is my goal. Maybe my the Fall ......Lord willing....

So physically we are safe. Just emotionally, I am not. I am devastated. Hurt, etc. He disrespects me, by retreating to his favorite stripper from the joint he's been going to for the past FIVE years. Then he lies about it.

It was most difficult on this one son when we were separated the other 4 times. When I move, it will be better because I'll have friends and family closer to me. Here I have no family.

For now, I'm thinking sleeping on the couch for him, doing the "180" like Alina said in my other thread, total in house separation until I am financially able to separate. It's very hard. Essentially I have no marriage any longer. With a liar, deceiver. How can one? On the other hand, with him here, I get all sucked in to his games, and co-dependent, which is totally un-healthy. Also the kids would sense the tension. With him gone, I could have less tension, but my youngest son would really be hurting. He and my h are so close! Either way it sucks. Lord protect my kids and make me stronger!

Thank you all for your prayers. I need them super duper right now! Thanks for that beautiful prayer to Mary friend!!!!! That meant a lot to me.


#16

Hi Corinne,

I know how hard this is. I was literally shaking and crying when I finally went to see a lawyer about separation and divorce. I felt it couldn’t be happening, that I was walking around in a daze. I was quite simply terrified.

But, with the grace of God, it is survivable. Lots of prayer really helped me keep myself together. Don’t drink any alcohol to numb the pain because that just makes things seem worse; you need your wits about you right now. Hold your head up because YOU did your best; YOU did not fail. The marriage failed, and your husband failed you, but YOU did NOT fail.

Yes, do the 180 and detach yourself from your wayward husband. He has heard everything you have had to say. No point in repeating it. It is not good for the kids to hear you arguing. It is not good for the kids to see you fighting. So detach for their sake.

How did you manage to live the other times you had kicked him out? If you did it then, you can do it now. Ask your priest for help; he will know where the resources are since he is familiar with your family. If your husband has been unemployed for two years, how have you been able to survive all this time?

Are your kids done school yet? If so, why not go visit your family and friends, and see if they can help. Can you spend the summer out there? It sounds like they don’t live close by. If there ever was a time to reach out for help, it is now. If there ever was a time you could leave, it would be now. Sometimes leaving is better than staying in a very tense household.

Just start with one step, one day at a time. It isn’t so overwhelming then. And pray a lot!!!


#17

'nuff said.


#18

[quote="Ailina, post:16, topic:202051"]
Hi Corinne,

I know how hard this is. I was literally shaking and crying when I finally went to see a lawyer about separation and divorce. I felt it couldn't be happening, that I was walking around in a daze. I was quite simply terrified.

But, with the grace of God, it is survivable. Lots of prayer really helped me keep myself together. Don't drink any alcohol to numb the pain because that just makes things seem worse; you need your wits about you right now. Hold your head up because YOU did your best; YOU did not fail. The marriage failed, and your husband failed you, but YOU did NOT fail.

Yes, do the 180 and detach yourself from your wayward husband. He has heard everything you have had to say. No point in repeating it. It is not good for the kids to hear you arguing. It is not good for the kids to see you fighting. So detach for their sake.

How did you manage to live the other times you had kicked him out? If you did it then, you can do it now. Ask your priest for help; he will know where the resources are since he is familiar with your family. If your husband has been unemployed for two years, how have you been able to survive all this time?

Are your kids done school yet? If so, why not go visit your family and friends, and see if they can help. Can you spend the summer out there? It sounds like they don't live close by. If there ever was a time to reach out for help, it is now. If there ever was a time you could leave, it would be now. Sometimes leaving is better than staying in a very tense household.

Just start with one step, one day at a time. It isn't so overwhelming then. And pray a lot!!!

[/quote]

Thank you so much dear Alina! You have helped me so much!
We just had a talk, and I told him pretty much it. Calmly too. That I cannot stand it anymore. That if he loves strippers/strip clubs, flirting with women on-line, that's his choice, but I cannot handle it anymore, and I think it best he pack up tomorrow and leave. He is refusing to go so he says. He also said if I "would let him just go to the strip club once a month, he probably wouldn't even want to go", and why don't I let him? Also that he "can't help it if other women find him sexy and flirt with him on FB".....but then he instigates it all. I am certain. One gal told him to back off, "she's involved and he's married". I printed her reply out...
what do I do if he won't leave? Get a restraining order? or just let him stay until I can move myself. I've wanted for YEARS to move away from here, he doesn't. Look for a PM from me.


#19

GREAT PIC! What would I do without you all? I am so grateful I found this site!

As you read what I posted above, I did ask him to leave,tonight and he is refusing. Now what? *Is it worth getting a restraining order over?

I did manage the other times. I will manage again. Only this time it is done for good.
Read what he said in my post above. Can you believe it? He is sick in his head.

Thanks for the good laugh of that pic!

P.S. He’s booted to couch tonight BTW :confused:


#20

God bless you!

IMHO, the healing cannot begin until the hurting ends. This has to be resolved as soon as possible for you to begin rebuilding your life.

I will be praying for you.


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