Emotional Attraction


#1

Hey, everyone. I’m looking for some advice and am hoping someone here can help me with this situation.

I am finding myself emotionally attracted to someone who isn’t my husband. I adore my husband and would never, ever betray his confidence. However, I find myself wanting to be around this other person all the time. This has been going on for several months. I try to stay away from this other person, and just when I think I’m over the emotional attraction, I’m forced to be in a situation with him again and all the emotions come back and slap me in the face. I feel extremely guilty and depressed about the situation.

I’ve prayed about it, but I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else had this experience? And can anyone give me some advice as to what to do? Thanks for all your help.

Scout :tiphat:


#2

Yes! Nip it in the bud right now! But for the Grace of God go I…


#3

Devil’s testing you and throwing his all at you because he senses you are weak.

This is NOT of God and certainly NOT His will. So do what you need to to please God! And I will offer you up at mass today - for strength and courage. Keep your sights on God.

Hang tight, sister. Pray.


#4

There is hardly a married person in the world who has not faced this.

Someone I know (now dead) confided to me that for 15 years he was tormented by fantasies of committing adultery with a family friend – but never betrayed his wife.

You said what counts: You’re not glad about this. It hasn’t changed your commitment to your husband. Although your present circumstance is not sinful (unless you entertain lengthy thoughts about it), you might bring it up in confession as a kind of pre-emptive strike. Twenty tons of temptation does not add up to an ounce of sin – but some temptations participate more in the nature of sin than others.

Godspeed.


#5

Scout while my husband and i were engaged i was occasionally attracted to other men, guys i met when out with my girlfriends and what not. i never EVER cheated because i could never betray my husband like that. i think its natural to be attracted to other men, the harm only comes when you entertain it in thought or deed. you love your husband. trust me once you’ve been with someone so long you can get a little bored and your eyes may wander but your heart cant. this man may seem like someone you could be attracted to but if you have to see this person a lot ask yourself is it worth destroying your marriage and your relationship with God to risk something with this man. perhaps it would be best to find some way anyway to avoid ever having to see them again. i rarely go out without my husband anymore, if i do i dont dance with other men i just politely tell them no thank you im married, because think how you would feel if your husband were entertaining ideas about other women. i dont want my husband out dancing and drinking with other women so i dont do it. i dance with my girlfriends and my guy friends and my friends boyfriends and even their male friends that know im married, never ever with a stranger because i know what my husband would expect. when you are around this man just ask yourself would you talk or act this way towards this man if your husband were standing right next to you?


#6

[quote=TarAshly]Scout while my husband and i were engaged i was occasionally attracted to other men, guys i met when out with my girlfriends and what not. i never EVER cheated because i could never betray my husband like that. i think its natural to be attracted to other men, the harm only comes when you entertain it in thought or deed. you love your husband. trust me once you’ve been with someone so long you can get a little bored and your eyes may wander but your heart cant. this man may seem like someone you could be attracted to but if you have to see this person a lot ask yourself is it worth destroying your marriage and your relationship with God to risk something with this man. perhaps it would be best to find some way anyway to avoid ever having to see them again. i rarely go out without my husband anymore, if i do i dont dance with other men i just politely tell them no thank you im married, because think how you would feel if your husband were entertaining ideas about other women. i dont want my husband out dancing and drinking with other women so i dont do it. i dance with my girlfriends and my guy friends and my friends boyfriends and even their male friends that know im married, never ever with a stranger because i know what my husband would expect. when you are around this man just ask yourself would you talk or act this way towards this man if your husband were standing right next to you?
[/quote]

This is excellent advise! Men suffer from this just as much. Attraction to the opposite sex is natural, but keep it context. This other person is not your spouse. Keep the relationship at arm’s length. Partake of the sacraments often and pray.

Christ’s Peace.
Todd


#7

[quote=ToddC]This is excellent advise! Men suffer from this just as much. Attraction to the opposite sex is natural, but keep it context. This other person is not your spouse. Keep the relationship at arm’s length. Partake of the sacraments often and pray.

Christ’s Peace.
Todd
[/quote]

I second this. :thumbsup:


#8

[quote=Scout]I try to stay away from this other person, and just when I think I’m over the emotional attraction, I’m forced to be in a situation with him again and all the emotions come back…
[/quote]

Re-examine the situations in which you find yourselves together. Are you really “forced to be there?” If you can avoid the contact without complications (ie it’s not ok to start skipping mass b/c you have a crush on your pastor) do so. I think these attractions can signal buried feelings that something is lacking in your real life that seems to exist with your fantasy partner. Give it some thought and try and work through it. It will surely fade with time, consideration and distance.


#9

[quote=Scout]Hey, everyone. I’m looking for some advice and am hoping someone here can help me with this situation.

I am finding myself emotionally attracted to someone who isn’t my husband. I adore my husband and would never, ever betray his confidence. However, I find myself wanting to be around this other person all the time. This has been going on for several months. I try to stay away from this other person, and just when I think I’m over the emotional attraction, I’m forced to be in a situation with him again and all the emotions come back and slap me in the face. I feel extremely guilty and depressed about the situation.

I’ve prayed about it, but I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else had this experience? And can anyone give me some advice as to what to do? Thanks for all your help.

Scout :tiphat:
[/quote]

Recognize it for what it may well become: Emotional adultery…been there done that & it’s just plain not good. STAY AWAY and fight for your chastity. It really is a spiritual warfare.Here’s my patron saint of help:

Saint Michael Prayer

Saint Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do you, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who wander through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.


#10

I’m not really physically attracted to the person. It’s just that I so enjoy being around this person-all the time. If I could be around him 24 hours a day, I probably would. And there is no real way to afoid him or limit my contact with him. We’re both serve together at Church.

Scout :tiphat:


#11

[quote=Scout]I’m not really physically attracted to the person. It’s just that I so enjoy being around this person-all the time. If I could be around him 24 hours a day, I probably would. And there is no real way to afoid him or limit my contact with him. We’re both serve together at Church.

Scout :tiphat:
[/quote]

Scout the problem is even that is doing a dishonor to your husband, how would you feel if hubby came home and said honey i wish i could spend 24 hours with suzy. it would break your heart that hubby didnt want those 24 hours with you but with suzy from church.


#12

scout, your honesty is refreshing. i think that women may have a predisposition to be more emotionally attracted to another man than physically attracted. i understand where you are coming from. i feel like God is giving you the opportunity to discipline your mind in this area. 2 Corinthians 10:5 encourages us to, “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (NIV) ((sorry for the protestant translation)) it really becomes a matter of listening to what God’s Holy Spirit is telling you and maybe doing a little self talk. inside your head you can keep reminding yourself, “this is a dead-end road…it will lead me to destruction…i should reserve this emotional attachment for my husband alone…i’ve got to find something else to think about.” if you persist in your obedience to God, i believe that you will notice your heart changing. we can’t control the thoughts and emotions that pop into our head…but we CAN decide what to do with them once they present themselves to us.


#13

[quote=Stef]scout, your honesty is refreshing. i think that women may have a predisposition to be more emotionally attracted to another man than physically attracted. i understand where you are coming from. i feel like God is giving you the opportunity to discipline your mind in this area. 2 Corinthians 10:5 encourages us to, “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (NIV) ((sorry for the protestant translation)) it really becomes a matter of listening to what God’s Holy Spirit is telling you and maybe doing a little self talk. inside your head you can keep reminding yourself, “this is a dead-end road…it will lead me to destruction…i should reserve this emotional attachment for my husband alone…i’ve got to find something else to think about.” if you persist in your obedience to God, i believe that you will notice your heart changing. we can’t control the thoughts and emotions that pop into our head…but we CAN decide what to do with them once they present themselves to us.
[/quote]

Very good advice from this poster:thumbsup:
Annunciata:)


#14

[quote=Scout]I’m not really physically attracted to the person. It’s just that I so enjoy being around this person-all the time. If I could be around him 24 hours a day, I probably would. And there is no real way to afoid him or limit my contact with him. We’re both serve together at Church.
Scout :tiphat:
[/quote]

There is nothing wrong with an emotional attraction, per se. You can’t dictate your own feelings. You feel what you feel, so don’t beat yourself up about that. He’s probably a great guy, probably everybody likes him, and probably you two have a few things in common and no problems to mess up the good vibes. Acquaintances are like that.

You are wise, though, to keep a certain distance and to take this attraction very seriously as a potential problem, because it is. I would say that an emotional attraction poses a far greater danger than a physical one, should a concrete temptation ever present itself. Taking the risk of even hurting your husband’s feelings by allowing yourself to moon over this guy is wrong.

So, some advice:

  1. Do not prattle on in your thoughts – let alone to other people! --about how you like this guy. Just STOP yourself, as in, “Scout, GET A LIFE.” If anyone asks you, say, “Sure I like him. Probably everyone likes him.” If you are ever pressed about do you “like” him, respond with, “Do I like him? What is this, fifth grade?”
  2. Cultivate gratitude and appreciation for your husband. Remember why you married him. Thank God for him. Re-kindle yonot just your romance with him, but your friendship with him. Get some time away together like you had when you were courting, so you’ll remember that he’s not just a provider and father of your children.
  3. Cultivate the realization in yourself that emotional attractions come and go and nearly always have a foundation of over-idealization. Laugh at yourself over this. You are being silly if you are putting this guy even remotely in the same league as the man you married. The devil is a proud spirit, and cannot stand to be mocked. Pray that you may not even take his suggestions seriously.
  4. Always, always keep yourself in chaperoned situations when you spend any time with **any man who is not either your husband or a blood relative. Period. Stupid infidelities can happen to anyone at any time. Heaven forbid you even provide some fellow with extra fodder for his dangerous and silly fantasies. You may think you’re “strong” or may have no attraction yourself to these guys, but fantasies that start with you may play out elsewhere. You needn’t be a prude, but dress and act modestly.

#15

[quote=BLB_Oregon]There is nothing wrong with an emotional attraction, per se. You can’t dictate your own feelings. You feel what you feel, so don’t beat yourself up about that.
[/quote]

BLB Oregon–I don’t mean to nit-pick because I agree with just about everything else you say. But I disagree with these three sentences. We are responsible for our own feelings and we should change our feelings when our feelings are unhealthy. Cognitive therapy is a very respected and critical type of behavior therapy that addresses changing and disciplining our feelings and thinking.

Scout, learn to counter those warm fuzzy feelings about this man, and stop any fantasizing or dreaming about him. If you are finding it hard to do so, you might want to talk to a counselor. Furthermore, is there something in your marriage or life that is not what it should be? Something that is less than satisfying? Be honest. If so, focus on doing what you can do to improve that area. Also, avoid being around this person. If he is at Church, find another way to help the Church. God will understand.


#16

Lots of good advice here Scout. You are on the right track.

It is OK to have these struggles, just don’t give in to them. Be careful not to get into situations where you might be more tempted. If you are involuntarily in a bad situation, run Forrest, run!


#17

[quote=walter.gonzalez] If you are involuntarily in a bad situation, run Forrest, run!
[/quote]

LOL!!! love it!


#18

Lots of good advice here. Thanks, everyone.

I never, ever let myself alone with any man-not even my priest (unless it’s in the Confessional, and then I always stay behind the screen). I try to avoid him as much as possible, but there are some situations that I just can’t avoid because of my work with the Church. My obligations there take presidence over my emotions. However, I do try to pray and focus my attention to the task at hand, rather than on him and my feelings.

Scout :tiphat:


#19

[quote=Scout]Hey, everyone. I’m looking for some advice and am hoping someone here can help me with this situation.

I am finding myself emotionally attracted to someone who isn’t my husband. I adore my husband and would never, ever betray his confidence. However, I find myself wanting to be around this other person all the time. This has been going on for several months. I try to stay away from this other person, and just when I think I’m over the emotional attraction, I’m forced to be in a situation with him again and all the emotions come back and slap me in the face. I feel extremely guilty and depressed about the situation.
I’ve prayed about it, but I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else had this experience? And can anyone give me some advice as to what to do? Thanks for all your help.
Scout :tiphat:
[/quote]

Yes I have. About 2 or 3 years ago I was very emotionally drawn to another married man, and he to me. I know it was because I admired him so much. He was everything my husband isn’t, :confused: successful in a good career, a great family man, strong, controls and disciplines his kids in a very loving manner, and quite a spiritual leader as well, a leader in his church. Wow was I stooped. We actually almost kissed once------ALMOST. Well I think I am everything his wife is not as well, and I could tell he’s had a crush on me for about 6 years. (Our kids go to the same school) I suggest Scout, you take a look at what you’re missing from your husband and from your marital relationship. It’s probably most significant–then try to work on it—or if it will never happen----try to be faithful to hubby and realize you would never want to hurt him or your marriage, then pull away. Try not to be around him so much, PROTECT yourself from temptation. I knew after this one incident that almost happened, when things came to a pinnacle, things definately changed. He’d actually totally ignored me for a few months–walking the other way when he saw me, or something. Weird. I know it was because we’re both Christians with families and he didn’t want anything to happen, neither did I. It all was unspoken. Now it’s totally normal, I still admire him and all but I’ve worked thru it, knowing I want to stay faithful cuz that’s what God has called me to do. You too Scout. We must flee from temptations whatever they might be. I feel must more sure of this now than a few years ago, since I’m becoming a Catholic.

God Bless You~~~~ Be strong~~~~


#20

Let me put it to you in plain English. The first step towards a divorce is developing an emotional attraction. I am not talking about an occasional head turner “wow”. I am talking about when you started dwelling on it; probably about the second day there was a twinge.

How many days (weeks? months?) ago was that? Honestly?

The second step was when you honestly admitted to yourself that this was something special (or juicy, or hot, or whatever you want to put in here). That was when you had more than just a feeling, and started to dwell on it, away from the office.

How long ago was that?

[quote=Scout] I try to avoid him as much as possible, but there are some situations that I just can’t avoid because of my work with the Church. My obligations there take presidence over my emotions. However, I do try to pray and focus my attention to the task at hand, rather than on him and my feelings.

Scout :tiphat:
[/quote]

OK, now lets get really honest here. You like this. Of course you do; he is attractive. You could be around him 24 hours a day. Whcih means, you have thought a lot about this. That is step three down the road to divorce.

How many steps do you have left? Frankly, I really don’t want to know; but you need to know, because it is the path you are walking on.

Let’s get real, for a minute. There are no obligations to the church such that you have to stay in this position. You are choosing to stay. Whoever he is, one of the two of you either has to have an iron will, or you are on a short road to disaster. Get another job, if you really value your marriage. Quit singing the song of no other choices; you most certainly do have other choices. Right now, you are choosing to stay in a situation that is majorly tempting, that is emotionally satisfying in its own cramped way, and you use the excuse that you have obligations. Your first obligation is to your husband; your second obligation is to this guy (an obligation to not tempt him into adultery); your third obligation is to his spouse, if he has one, and if you have kids, the second obligation is to them, rather than this hotty you have (he then comes in third).

Get a clue. You like being there. You don’t want to change. He’s a hotty. You like this warm, emotional feeling you get being around him. You want to resolve the problem? Get a different job and get out of this temptation. The only thing that is keeping you in this situation is your own choice to continue. I’ll guarantee that church won’t fall apart at the seams if you leave. Your “obligations” are being used as an excuse to feed your emotions.

And after you leave, you might want to get some counseling marital type, as you are in need of getting your head on straight. It isn’t on stright now.


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