Haven’t been on here in a while, but I’m looking for insight from older, more experienced, solid Catholics. I had been going to see a good priest about this for a while, but he honestly didn’t know what was the matter with me. I’m planning on hopefully going to another, when I can find the time, but until then I thought I’d try CAF.
I’m a cradle Catholic, 20 years old, and am convinced of the truth of the Faith. However, it’s all intellectual. I can’t honestly say I’m ‘in love’ with our Lord, or have great devotion for our Lady. I just go through all the right motions, just because I know they’re the right thing to do. Praying the Rosary is a chore, going to Mass is a chore, and a half-hour of Adoration is a struggle. I just finished my first (and probably last) year at a good Catholic college, where I went to daily Mass, daily Rosary, daily Adoration. I was surrounded by good Catholic people who were genuinely in love with God. Honestly, I feel dead - no ‘connection’ with God at all. I don’t have any aims/goals. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me very much, and has wanted to marry me for the past 8 years… but most of the time, I feel distant from him too. I have a very hard time showing him any affection (but when I can, it makes me feel so free, and healthy). I have a wonderful family, with a very saintly dad, and I feel distant and disconnected from them as well. Most of the time, I just feel completely isolated and alone-everyone is a stranger.
I just want to be alive… I want to know in my heart what I know in my head. I want to be ‘in love’ with Jesus, and our Lady. I want so much to love my boy… to have a good relationship with my family. I can’t ‘see’ them, most of the time. I can sit in front of my God for a half-hour, and I don’t give a darn. My boy can show me again and again that he still loves me, despite my coldness and uncommunicative-ness, and I don’t care. There are a few odd times when I can see them, and it’s beautiful. But I can never hold on to that for long.
I really don’t know what to do, and I’m just plain worn out. It’s been like this for years. Thoughts?