Emotionally abusiveand alcoholic mother..How to deal


#1

I am 30 years old and my mother still, to this day is extremly abusive with words and threats to me. I keep thinking back on my teenage years and wonder " did i really give her that hard of a time?" Which I did not… I have 3 brothers and she is wonderful to them, sure she argues with them, but nothing like she would with me,.,
I have heard everything from"i wish you were nver born, I wish god gave me 4 sons instead of a daughter, your a waste," and physical threats aswell. I split from my ex husband because he was also an alcoholic and cheated constantly. When I separated from him, she said i could stay withe her (which i did…:confused:) After a few drinks she went into telling me how she would punch me inthe face if i ever found another boyfriend, I cant do anything right…so on and so forth. I now live 4 hours form my mother, but it still does not stop her from calling …(especially when she is drunk) its horrible. I went back to my husband and we tried to make it work, he is going to councelling but its not working between us. SO i tried everything I could…and i did not tell my mother. I made arrangements for a new apartment and a new start. I know my mother haas a felling something is not right but i CANNNOT deal with her knowing anything…she will just be so mean and horrible.She asked me if anything was wrong and i need to tell her because she says i am “cagey” (i just dont tell her tings because it is always me andi am the problem) My dad dies last year, and he was my best friend. He would always cry and tell me he does not know why my mother is so mean to me. I loved him so much.My mom calls me to this day and says things like “oh, daddy is not here to protect you now " or " your good for nothing father knew nothing aboout finances.”“or You were your fathers princess…dont ask me why!!!” my father loved my mother and stayed with her…never separated or divorced…he was a strong man because mymother is an EXTREMLY difficutt person.I have mentioned to her her drinking needs to stop and then she flies into a rage and says " i had a hard life, if i wanna drink then by god i will drink" I mentioned to my brothers aswell to intervene…but to no avail.
I want to just move on with my life, finish school, start my life over after my husband, but i feel this constant invisible line that makes me feel i am decieving my mom becuasei did nto tell her what is going on…I fell the need to always help her (financially wise ) If i giv eher money, she is fine for a few days with me, but then after it goes rigth back to the same way. I am not a drinker (the occasional glass of wine when celebrating at a party or something , i would rather be the designated driver. :slight_smile: PLease i need advice on how to handle how difficult she is. I cannot even talk to her about my dad, i miss him and when ever i cry about himshe tells me to stop and get over it. It hurts so much.


#2

[quote="tryin2be, post:1, topic:200667"]
I am 30 years old and my mother still, to this day is extremly abusive with words and threats to me.

[/quote]

if she is abusive you should not be staying with her, and you may very well have to distance yourself from her, for your own good. If you have children this is essential. that extends to the phone and email. Simply tell her that when the conversation turns abusive it is over. and stick to that. you require her approval for none of your choices. You are an adult.

I split from my ex husband because he was also an alcoholic and cheated constantly.

This indicates what might be, and you are the best one to judge, an extension of the problem that is quite common with children of alcoholics. Please get help with the dynamics of your relationships especially if this indicates a pattern

My dad dies last year, and he was my best friend. He would always cry and tell me he does not know why my mother is so mean to me.

You are still grieving, and probably she is too, but being an alcoholic the drug takes over when she tries to expess it. Acknowledge and allow yourself to grieve, but don't allow that to dominate your relationships with the rest of your family, or to excuse enabling your mother

I mentioned to my brothers aswell to intervene....but to no avail.
I want to just move on with my life, finish school, start my life over after my husband, but i feel this constant invisible line that makes me feel i am decieving my mom becuasei did nto tell her what is going on..I fell the need to always help her

Here you are talking about your emotional needs and feelings, not the reality of what she really needs. As you correctly perceive an intervention is needed, but the whole family has to be on board. Please, please get into Al-Anon the organization for family members of alcoholics. I cannot overemphasize how transforming this will be for you, and what a great job they do guiding you through this.

You are an adult, you are not the person you mother has told you, you owe her nothing in the way of confidence, trust, or financial support that allows her to continue her abuse of herself and of you.

( It hurts so much.

of course the recourse to prayer and the sacraments and nourishing your own spiritual health is essential, that goes without saying. You cannot do this without Christ beside you and before you.

There are others of us on these boards, children of alcoholics, who do empathize. Please try Al-Anon. God bless you, you know we are all praying for you


#3

Firstly, you should forgive your mother; none of us are perfect.

Secondly, you should face practicality, is she appears unwilling to be polite and decent; you should realise her relationship with you is abusive; you are a fully grown adult and you have the right to put her in her place; if you do not like what she says, let her know. If she is not willing to be civil, then I would place a hiatus on the relationship. She has no right to use you as an emotional ashtray.

You should try and reign in control of the circumstances where contact occurs; get caller id - it is your phone you have no legal responsibility to answer every call!; if she is abusive just hang up.

It is not healthy for you, or for her to continue in a relationship that is abusive; by allowing her to continue you are tacitly approving of what she is doing. Every time she can say what she likes and you don’t hang up you are in a sense - allowing her to do this.

I can relate to this because it happened with my own Mother almost identically - after a year or two of hanging up every time she was abusive or rang whilst drunk, and returning nasty letters to sender she got the message – if it’s not an adult conversation it’s not worth having. What she said didn’t even deserve a reply - the answer to a fool is silence.

Best of luck, and remember your an adult now - be forgiving and move on, don’t harbor hatred - but don’t allow yourself to be abused. :thumbsup:


#4

Good advice from the other posts. I would also recommend the book Adult Children of Alcoholics. Very helpful. I also grew up with an verbally abusive alcoholic mother. She still drinks, but she has mellowed with age and we are much closer than we were when I was in my 20's - so there is hope, but you have to be willing to do what you need to do to protect yourself and allow yourself to grow up/apart.

Peace,
Kathy


#5

You are 30 years old. You’ve no obligation to present yourself before an emotionally abusive alcoholic.

That’s my perspective.


#6

[quote="tryin2be, post:1, topic:200667"]
I am 30 years old and my mother still, to this day is extremly abusive with words and threats to me. I keep thinking back on my teenage years and wonder " did i really give her that hard of a time?" Which I did not.. I have 3 brothers and she is wonderful to them, sure she argues with them, but nothing like she would with me,.,,
I have heard everything from"i wish you were nver born, I wish god gave me 4 sons instead of a daughter, your a waste," and physical threats aswell. I split from my ex husband because he was also an alcoholic and cheated constantly. When I separated from him, she said i could stay withe her (which i did..:confused:) After a few drinks she went into telling me how she would punch me inthe face if i ever found another boyfriend, I cant do anything right..so on and so forth. I now live 4 hours form my mother, but it still does not stop her from calling ..(especially when she is drunk) its horrible. I went back to my husband and we tried to make it work, he is going to councelling but its not working between us. SO i tried everything I could..and i did not tell my mother. I made arrangements for a new apartment and a new start. I know my mother haas a felling something is not right but i CANNNOT deal with her knowing anything..she will just be so mean and horrible.She asked me if anything was wrong and i need to tell her because she says i am "cagey" (i just dont tell her tings because it is always me andi am the problem) My dad dies last year, and he was my best friend. He would always cry and tell me he does not know why my mother is so mean to me. I loved him so much.My mom calls me to this day and says things like "oh, daddy is not here to protect you now " or " your good for nothing father knew nothing aboout finances.""or You were your fathers princess...dont ask me why!!!" my father loved my mother and stayed with her..never separated or divorced..he was a strong man because mymother is an EXTREMLY difficutt person.I have mentioned to her her drinking needs to stop and then she flies into a rage and says " i had a hard life, if i wanna drink then by god i will drink" I mentioned to my brothers aswell to intervene....but to no avail.
I want to just move on with my life, finish school, start my life over after my husband, but i feel this constant invisible line that makes me feel i am decieving my mom becuasei did nto tell her what is going on..I fell the need to always help her (financially wise ) If i giv eher money, she is fine for a few days with me, but then after it goes rigth back to the same way. I am not a drinker (the occasional glass of wine when celebrating at a party or something , i would rather be the designated driver. :) PLease i need advice on how to handle how difficult she is. I cannot even talk to her about my dad, i miss him and when ever i cry about himshe tells me to stop and get over it. It hurts so much.

[/quote]

Have you checked into Al-Anon, the support group for families of alcoholics? You will learn some healthy coping skills through them that will help you with your alcoholic mother. I have friends who grew up in similar situations and this group really helped them.

al-anon.alateen.org/english.html


#7

[quote="tryin2be, post:1, topic:200667"]
I am 30 years old and my mother still, to this day is extremly abusive with words and threats to me. I keep thinking back on my teenage years and wonder " did i really give her that hard of a time?" Which I did not.. I have 3 brothers and she is wonderful to them, sure she argues with them, but nothing like she would with me,.,,
I have heard everything from"i wish you were nver born, I wish god gave me 4 sons instead of a daughter, your a waste," and physical threats aswell. I split from my ex husband because he was also an alcoholic and cheated constantly. When I separated from him, she said i could stay withe her (which i did..:confused:) After a few drinks she went into telling me how she would punch me inthe face if i ever found another boyfriend, I cant do anything right..so on and so forth. I now live 4 hours form my mother, but it still does not stop her from calling ..(especially when she is drunk) its horrible. I went back to my husband and we tried to make it work, he is going to councelling but its not working between us. SO i tried everything I could..and i did not tell my mother. I made arrangements for a new apartment and a new start. I know my mother haas a felling something is not right but i CANNNOT deal with her knowing anything..she will just be so mean and horrible.She asked me if anything was wrong and i need to tell her because she says i am "cagey" (i just dont tell her tings because it is always me andi am the problem) My dad dies last year, and he was my best friend. He would always cry and tell me he does not know why my mother is so mean to me. I loved him so much.My mom calls me to this day and says things like "oh, daddy is not here to protect you now " or " your good for nothing father knew nothing aboout finances.""or You were your fathers princess...dont ask me why!!!" my father loved my mother and stayed with her..never separated or divorced..he was a strong man because mymother is an EXTREMLY difficutt person.I have mentioned to her her drinking needs to stop and then she flies into a rage and says " i had a hard life, if i wanna drink then by god i will drink" I mentioned to my brothers aswell to intervene....but to no avail.
I want to just move on with my life, finish school, start my life over after my husband, but i feel this constant invisible line that makes me feel i am decieving my mom becuasei did nto tell her what is going on..I fell the need to always help her (financially wise ) If i giv eher money, she is fine for a few days with me, but then after it goes rigth back to the same way. I am not a drinker (the occasional glass of wine when celebrating at a party or something , i would rather be the designated driver. :) PLease i need advice on how to handle how difficult she is. I cannot even talk to her about my dad, i miss him and when ever i cry about himshe tells me to stop and get over it. It hurts so much.

[/quote]

Are you familiar with the dynamics of the alcoholic family? Other than the alcoholic, there are people who have the roles of enabler, hero, scapegoat, lost child, and the clown. It sounds like you are the scapegoat. I was married to an alcoholic. My oldest son was the scapegoat, and he really never did anything to earn that rank. I think it has something to do with the alcoholic needing to order his or her reality in a way that ensures their ability to keep drinking, so really just because you were picked on found to be a problem does not mean that you really were. It's just a distraction from the real problem, the addiction.

I think that everyone here is correct that you do not need to maintain an unhealthy and abusive relationship, even with your mom. Don't get sucked into her nonsense. When and if she ever reaches sobriety, you may be able to reestablish a relationship with her at that time. From what you describe it sounds like sobriety isn't a goal for her. It's pretty hard to have someone that should care about you choose alcohol as the most important thing in their life, but really that is the way that it is.


#8

1) Al-Anon
2) Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie, and related titles
3) Screen your calls. If your mom doesn't leave a message you care to respond to, then feel free not to respond. It will not harm her, and you do not owe her an explanation. It could possibly do her good--and by that I mean real good, not in the sense of some sort of vindictive justice. There is a reason that God allows our sins to have consequences.
4) Realize that your personal business is your personal business. It isn't your mother's, it isn't your ex-husbands, it doesn't even belong to "those who care". Your business isn't anyone's but yours. You owe an accounting of your life to no one but God, and God has chosen to be your advocate.
5) If she ever sucks you in, forgive yourself. You are breaking the training of a lifetime. It doesn't happen in a day. Besides, everyone has some weirdness going on in their family, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has something they could regret if they were so inclined. Allow yourself to be a work in progress. It is what we all are.
6) Give yourself permission to feel what you feel about your mom, good and bad. No matter what awful things she has done, it is OK to love her. No matter what good things she has done, it is OK to decide she's overdrawn her account of trust. She doesn't have a simple history with you, and so your feelings about her aren't likely to be simple, either. That's OK.

You seem to realize that you've done what you could for your mother, that her business is her business, too. Sometimes, it is not only OK, but positively virtuous to choose to live in peace with those who will live in peace, while leaving those who want their chaos to go on and have their chaos without you. To refuse an alcoholic money because she will not achieve any good with it, because it is as likely as not to be a near occasion of sin, is a virtuous choice....even if the alcoholic is your mother.

And, by the way, bravo for you for not blaming your bad luck on her. That is a great start to a healthy life.


#9

If I were in your situation, I would move to a different city and change my name.


#10

Cut off ties with your mother. You are being abused without cause, and as an adult you should not put up with it. When she can be nice to you, then you can be with her again. And certainly do NOT send her more money!


#11

This is just my opinion based on having a crazy, and at times, abusive mom myself…

I think having an abusive mother is probably the hardest abusive relationship to deal with because mother is supposed to be our first love. She is supposed to give us unconditional love when we are young so that we can learn love ourselves and others.

But an abusive mom can’t do this because she is damaged, probably by some abuse she suffered herself, possibly from her own mother.

So we spend our lives trying to get that love and approval from her and it’s a lost cause because she can’t give you something she doesn’t have. Or we
find relationships that have similiar abuse patterns because we thinks that love. We may even become abusive ourselves because it’s all we know how to do.

Some books say we have to learn to be our own mother. I guess they mean we have to love ourselves unconditionally.

I am learning to set limits on the things my mom says and does that hurt me. I accept that she doesn’t acknowledge my birthday and doesn’t really want to visit me anymore. I still invite her maybe twice a year but if she fusses, then I don’t push. Before setting limits,I always called her weekly then I realized, I was doing all the calling. So I asked her to call me once in a while. She never did. I stopped calling weekly, now I just call maybe once every couple of months When I call its all about her dramas and I know she will never ask me how I am doing, not that she won’t listen if I push, but I’ve stopping pushing because I know that she really doesn’t care accepting her limits is helping me heal.

Anyhow, I’m getting a little long winded on my own issues with my mom.

I hope that this gives you a little insight and maybe some ideas about how the handle your own mother. The other posters have given some good advice especially about ending calls that get verbally abusive.

:hug3:


#12

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