[quote="peaceful88, post:3, topic:211402"]
I believe that this was the only thing between my husband and that girl because he does ridiculously care about my feelings and even helped me by marrying me out of an abusive situation. Plain and simple he is a great guy besides this whole girl problem. He even said he had to tell me outright what he said to the girl to me to prevent physically cheating.
It just also hard as I had been physically cheated on by a long time serious boyfriend. I just don't want to go through "cheating" feelings again. In fact I was so happy with marrying my husband because I thought I found the person that would never ever put me through a situation like this.
I have mentioned that he stop talking to her several times but he said he had these strong feelings for her whether he talks to her or not. I always thought that you shouldn't give them room to grow....but apparently talking to her has nothing to do with growing feelings for her.
It really stinks because I feel like now I am the second best choice. Although, he constantly says he wants to stay with me and not leave me.
I just wonder if there really is any moving on and if there will be a happier time. I don't want a life time of living with him and his feelings for another girl. I understand of course that men/women can be attracted to different people. It just out of respect for your husband or wife imop that you don't act on these feelings.
There will be happy times again yes. It may take a while, but you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And you do not not cheat on your spouse out of respect for them, you dont do it out of love. And you also should not have those lustful feelings for anyone else outside of the occasional flutter of momentary feelings. And those will be just a flutter until you stop and think "Wait, my wife (husband) is WAY hotter than she (he) is and look at her (him), would I really WANT someone that would have an affair with a married man (woman)? Pshaw, I think not..." At least thats how I think about it lol :o (and I am not even married!!!)
[quote="peaceful88, post:4, topic:211402"]
I also hope by talking to the deacon at my church (this church is wonderful, they all have known me since I was a little kid:)) that he can give me a constructive way to deal with this situation so I can get through it and help our marriage.
Ok, two things from a mans perspective. If he did this once with this woman, he WILL do it again. When it comes to women, men (most of us) are weak. He needs to completely cut this woman out of his life. Work can be the one exception so long as it is ONLY work, no personal conversations, no talking outside work, no being friends. I have had to deal with this myself (not married, but with girlfriends) and that is truly the only way to deal with this. if he loves you he MUST choose to have an emotional (romantically emotional) relationship with just you. One of my best friends is a woman and I love her dearly. But our relationship has never and will never advance to anything that would be considered emotional cheating. That would be improper and require that we either get together or stop being friends. You are right in your assumption that you should not give these things "room to grow", hence the firm resolution during confession to avoid temptation to sin or avoid that which tempts one to sin.
The second thing is this "he does ridiculously care about my feelings and even helped me by marrying me out of an abusive situation". Please, if you love this man, do not use that as a reason why he loves you. If he loves you, it has to be because he loves you not to get you out of a bad situation. I tried that once... didnt end well. The way you view your relationships DOES effect how those relationships play out in your life.
Going to your deacon is a wonderful idea. Someone who knows both of you can give you wonderful advice. Your husband should also talk to the deacon, or your priest, about this. He needs to be absolutely honest though, so they know what he did (which is somewhat nebulous since it was an emotional affair rather than physical) and most importantly WHY he did it.
What, in your opinion, is he getting from this woman that he is not getting from you? This is not in any way to say that it is your fault, but sometimes when people have personal issues or intimacy issues it can be easier for them to go to someone who is not as close to receive their emotional support. Perhaps he is afraid that you might reject him on some level. With me (abused as a child, lots of intimacy issues) I know that I fear rejection by the people I love more than I fear just about anything in the world and that has at times caused me to look to people other than family and loved ones for support/advice.
This is a hard road he has put you both on. Just remember that the strongest steel has gone through the hottest fire. If you can fight and struggle and work through this you will be SO much stronger than you were before. And it will be a fight and a struggle and work, but in the end it will be worth it.
But thats just one man's opinion.