Emtional Cheating (3 months married) help!


#1

I have been married for three months. I had a great relationship before the marriage and never saw what happened in the past three months coming.

My husband emotionally cheated on me. He got closer to another girl that he now tells me he always had strong feelings for her. Flitterd with her and even told her that he like he her. He was honest to me about it and felt extremely guilty for doing it. He said after three months only he doesn’t want to give up. He knows I am the better choice and he got carried away. He needs space to not talk about the subject where all I want to do is talk and make him reassure me that everything will be ok.

I don’t know what to do…if I am over reacting because he admitted his fault. I feel extremely hurt and stupid.

His plane of action was to put the feeling back in its’ place. Although, he still had to talk to the girl because she is a friend and hates losing friends.

Imop, I don’t think he should talk to the girl at all because he obviously can’t handle being on a closer level with her. It just isn’t an option from them as well since they are co workers and his feeling about friends. He did say he would stop fliriting ect.

I am going to talk to my deacon who married us about this problem. I want this marriage to work and believe our hearts are both in the right place. I just don’t know how to handle this and give the space (none talking about this subject) that my husband needs. I also am extremely confused as to why I have been put in this position.


#2

I can sympathize with your pain. I know that physical cheating hurts just as much as the emotional cheating. I am going through both at the same time. Man, I am in the same boat as you, but a little different. My husband has been cheating on me for almost 3 years and we have been married for 13 years. It has been a very hard time in both of our lives since neither one of us want to let go of the other, however, the girl that my husband was cheating on me with still wants to be friends with my husband. I will not allow it, but it seems that I keep finding out that they are still talking. All I can do is ask the Lord our God to find strength within ourselves to either deal with the situation and hope that this is all that has been between your husband and the girl, or do you think that this is something that would be a long friendship. I will be praying for both you and your husband that everything will be okay. I know that this may seem a little crazy, but I know where your coming from. Take care and I hope that everything works out for the both of you. Through God’s will, it will be done.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen. May there be peace, love, joy and happiness in your marriage for years and years to come.


#3

I believe that this was the only thing between my husband and that girl because he does ridiculously care about my feelings and even helped me by marrying me out of an abusive situation. Plain and simple he is a great guy besides this whole girl problem. He even said he had to tell me outright what he said to the girl to me to prevent physically cheating.

It just also hard as I had been physically cheated on by a long time serious boyfriend. I just don't want to go through "cheating" feelings again. In fact I was so happy with marrying my husband because I thought I found the person that would never ever put me through a situation like this.

I have mentioned that he stop talking to her several times but he said he had these strong feelings for her whether he talks to her or not. I always thought that you shouldn't give them room to grow....but apparently talking to her has nothing to do with growing feelings for her.

It really stinks because I feel like now I am the second best choice. Although, he constantly says he wants to stay with me and not leave me.

I just wonder if there really is any moving on and if there will be a happier time. I don't want a life time of living with him and his feelings for another girl. I understand of course that men/women can be attracted to different people. It just out of respect for your husband or wife imop that you don't act on these feelings.


#4

I also hope by talking to the deacon at my church (this church is wonderful, they all have known me since I was a little kid:)) that he can give me a constructive way to deal with this situation so I can get through it and help our marriage.


#5

[quote="peaceful88, post:3, topic:211402"]
I believe that this was the only thing between my husband and that girl because he does ridiculously care about my feelings and even helped me by marrying me out of an abusive situation. Plain and simple he is a great guy besides this whole girl problem. He even said he had to tell me outright what he said to the girl to me to prevent physically cheating.

It just also hard as I had been physically cheated on by a long time serious boyfriend. I just don't want to go through "cheating" feelings again. In fact I was so happy with marrying my husband because I thought I found the person that would never ever put me through a situation like this.

I have mentioned that he stop talking to her several times but he said he had these strong feelings for her whether he talks to her or not. I always thought that you shouldn't give them room to grow....but apparently talking to her has nothing to do with growing feelings for her.

It really stinks because I feel like now I am the second best choice. Although, he constantly says he wants to stay with me and not leave me.

I just wonder if there really is any moving on and if there will be a happier time. I don't want a life time of living with him and his feelings for another girl. I understand of course that men/women can be attracted to different people. It just out of respect for your husband or wife imop that you don't act on these feelings.

[/quote]

There will be happy times again yes. It may take a while, but you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And you do not not cheat on your spouse out of respect for them, you dont do it out of love. And you also should not have those lustful feelings for anyone else outside of the occasional flutter of momentary feelings. And those will be just a flutter until you stop and think "Wait, my wife (husband) is WAY hotter than she (he) is and look at her (him), would I really WANT someone that would have an affair with a married man (woman)? Pshaw, I think not..." At least thats how I think about it lol :o (and I am not even married!!!)

[quote="peaceful88, post:4, topic:211402"]
I also hope by talking to the deacon at my church (this church is wonderful, they all have known me since I was a little kid:)) that he can give me a constructive way to deal with this situation so I can get through it and help our marriage.

[/quote]

Ok, two things from a mans perspective. If he did this once with this woman, he WILL do it again. When it comes to women, men (most of us) are weak. He needs to completely cut this woman out of his life. Work can be the one exception so long as it is ONLY work, no personal conversations, no talking outside work, no being friends. I have had to deal with this myself (not married, but with girlfriends) and that is truly the only way to deal with this. if he loves you he MUST choose to have an emotional (romantically emotional) relationship with just you. One of my best friends is a woman and I love her dearly. But our relationship has never and will never advance to anything that would be considered emotional cheating. That would be improper and require that we either get together or stop being friends. You are right in your assumption that you should not give these things "room to grow", hence the firm resolution during confession to avoid temptation to sin or avoid that which tempts one to sin.

The second thing is this "he does ridiculously care about my feelings and even helped me by marrying me out of an abusive situation". Please, if you love this man, do not use that as a reason why he loves you. If he loves you, it has to be because he loves you not to get you out of a bad situation. I tried that once... didnt end well. The way you view your relationships DOES effect how those relationships play out in your life.

Going to your deacon is a wonderful idea. Someone who knows both of you can give you wonderful advice. Your husband should also talk to the deacon, or your priest, about this. He needs to be absolutely honest though, so they know what he did (which is somewhat nebulous since it was an emotional affair rather than physical) and most importantly WHY he did it.

What, in your opinion, is he getting from this woman that he is not getting from you? This is not in any way to say that it is your fault, but sometimes when people have personal issues or intimacy issues it can be easier for them to go to someone who is not as close to receive their emotional support. Perhaps he is afraid that you might reject him on some level. With me (abused as a child, lots of intimacy issues) I know that I fear rejection by the people I love more than I fear just about anything in the world and that has at times caused me to look to people other than family and loved ones for support/advice.

This is a hard road he has put you both on. Just remember that the strongest steel has gone through the hottest fire. If you can fight and struggle and work through this you will be SO much stronger than you were before. And it will be a fight and a struggle and work, but in the end it will be worth it.

But thats just one man's opinion.

FSC


#6

I agree with FSC. Your husband should stop all friendship with this woman. No phone calls, no texts, no IMing, no Facebooking, etc. You can be co-workers and not friends, I excel at that. :cool: And oh yeah, he should be on the couch for awhile. What a "something not so nice".


#7

So my next course of action than is trying to get him to stop talking to this girl. Me logically telling him what it is a bad idea didn't work. Also, his best friend and sister could not get him to agree.

I therefor, think anything I do or say won't change his mind that it is not a good idea. Do I have to wait for a situation that shows it isn't a good idea..I really don't want to push it and say well if you talk to her I am not going to be here anymore. Plain and simple I couldn't actually do it.

He doesn't want to lose a good friend but it is like you lose that friend or you lose your wife you pick.

I also don't want to push him to far in that he can't be honest with me because hands down the fact that he told me is a very good thing.

Also, should I give him a week and not discuss the matter like he asked?

He went to this girl because he always had an attraction to her ..now that he was married he thought he could just be friends with her and he basically was safe from the attraction. He also has a different connection with her as friend that I don't have (basically his sense of humor and they are great when working together). Obliviously, I can't fill that and am fine with that. It just him confessing to her that he like her a lot...loves her a lot that kills hurts me. It is like he wants to be with her and has a better connection with her than he does me.


#8

That connection he seems to be actively seeking with her, instead of strengthening ours.


#9

How long have you two been together? Total.


#10

Two years and we like hit it off instantly. We also both had tough situations in our life that we got through together. We still imop connect it just being tainted with this situation. He has been around this girl for about 3 years and she never even noticed him and he didn't feel like he had to seek her because he knows she isn't the wife he would want.


#11

The reason he wants to stay married to me is that I am the better choice for him personality ect. and that she ultimately would make him miserable. She has awful personal life skills.


#12

At work people tell them that they have to like each other they are just lieing to themselves.. They should be together.


#13

I can sympathise with your pain, I’d feel the same way if I found out the same thing happened with my wife! I don’t beleive you’re over reacting honeslty, I’d be very hurt… Honestly in my book emotional cheating is really as bad as physical, and it seems to be in Gods as well:

But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I feel like emotional cheating can qualify there, and probably your husband needs to go to confession among other things. I’m glad that you seem to want to work it out, and very glad that your husband caught him self. I will pray for the two of you that you can nip this in the bud once and forever now!


#14

He also stated that though he wants me as his wife he feels like these feelings will never go away for her. Even when he didn’t talk to her but in work they were their. I just wish there were some way he could lose these feelings.


#15

He must lose them, this is going to be a personal issue for him. He’s going to have to come up with whatever solution he can to break him self of this. Honeslty I would say this is serious enough where he might actually consider finding another job if he seriously thinks he’s not going to stop entertaining these thougths. Act will follow thought


#16

There is no way he can quiet his job for a number of reasons. Nor would I actually want him to because it makes him happy.

I just wonder if it is possible for him to break these feelings. Given our very good history togther the great future he has with me and the fact he knows that the girl isn't right for him it hasn't.
Which even though he still is talking to the girl I still feel like I need to back off because there is nothing I can do for him.

It just is furstrating that I have to go through this becuase I can't understand why it even happened.


#17

There is no way he can quiet his job for a number of reasons. Nor would I actually want him to because it makes him happy.

I just wonder if it is possible for him to break these feelings. Given our very good history togther the great future he has with me and the fact he knows that the girl isn’t right for him.Those feelings arnt gone.

Which even though he still is talking to the girl I still feel like I need to back off because there is nothing I can do for him.

It just is furstrating that I have to go through this becuase I can’t understand why it even happened.


#18

Peaceful88,

Im going to be completely straight forward and honest here....

I have seen many of these situations happen with friends and with family, and about 95% of them time, they get worse (physical cheating).

Now somebody else on here, might not agree with me, fine, they have their right to do so, but im going to lay it out for you.....

these feelings he has for the girl will never go away if he is working with her. The fact that he said he wants to keep her because she is a 'good friend' is BS! He likes her, and he doesn't ever want to stop talking to her. I don't believe hes telling you everything here. I'm almost 100% sure that he has fantasized about sex with her, and he will continue to do so.

If he will not stop talking to her, then he is not taking your feelings into consideration and hes basically saying 'i love you, but i don't care about our marriage enough to stop talking to her'. The fact that even his family wont convince him to stop talking to her is a big warning sign right there. Its a good thing you're early in this relationship because now you can see how easily he falls for other girls. This will more than likely happen a couple times into the future and it will be the same situation all over again. I know you love him, and you want to make this work, and you can, but if he EVER does ANYTHING physical with her, AT ALL, do NOT stay with him, it will get worse and he will keep doing it. And not just with her either, it will more than likely go to other girls aswell.

If i were you, i would highly recommend getting out IF things get worse. Because you're so early into the realtionship and hes already messing with your marriage. Instead of focusing on what is happening right now, you need to also realize what he will be like with other women in the future. Im sorry you have to go through this. But all the people that i have seen in this situation eventually get PHYSICALLY cheated on. Now im not saying he WILL, but im saying its more than likely right around the corner considering he wont give her up...

Oh, and dont think im trying to break you guys apart, im not. im just simply telling you that this is a big warning sign, and you need to be aware of what will more than likey come next sometime in the future, even possibly with a different woman.


#19

[quote="peaceful88, post:17, topic:211402"]
There is no way he can quit his job for a number of reasons. Nor would I actually want him to because it makes him happy.

I just wonder if it is possible for him to break these feelings. Given our very good history togther the great future he has with me and the fact he knows that the girl isn't right for him.Those feelings arnt gone.

Which even though he still is talking to the girl I still feel like I need to back off because there is nothing I can do for him.

It just is furstrating that I have to go through this becuase I can't understand why it even happened.

[/quote]

I did not think this was even possible, but I actually agree with much of what Blueshadow says. If he stays in contact with this girl it's only a matter of time. I promise. Infer whatever you must about his job etc., but this will spiral outta control. The apostle tells us to "flee youthful lusts" (2 Timothy 2:22)not stand and fight valiantly, even in the grace of the Lord. He says get outta there.


#20

I’m sorry but this is wrong on SO many levels!

First off, it bothers me VERY much that he is not even willing to try to put an end to this “friendship”, especially since he has admitted that he has always had strong feelings for her.

Secondly, it bothers me VERY much that he admitted that he told you about it in order to prevent a physical relationship from developing (so apparently, his mind had already gone there.)

Third, it seems to me (and maybe I’m wrong) but you seem to feel that you “owe” him this concession because he married you out of an abusive relationship. It also bothers me that you’re not giving yourself much credit–you keep saying you’re a better choice for him than this other woman, but you sound like a parent trying to convince a child that brussel sprouts are WAY better for them than M&Ms… the question is not did he marry you because you are “better” for him, but because he LOVES you more than this other woman?

And if he does, why is he hurting you like this?

You are in my prayers.


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