End of relationship


#1

I am 23 Male my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with because i have lied to her about a pornography addiction. I said i would be honest and i wasn’t i have taken many steps to address the issue of porn and she was my biggest supporter and encouragement in seeking help.

The other night i fessed up and shared with her that i have not been honest again. She went to a therapist and was told to end all contact with me and took their advice i feel so lost and destroyed right now, that this amazing woman wants nothing to do with me. i understand why and finally realized first hand how disgusting porn is that it would cause her to leave. she said she loves me and cares for me and will pray for me. however, she needs to work out her issues and encourages me to continue working on mine.

She wont talk to me face to face this was all done over text and phone. I am LOST! i am praying and continuing to work on the porn with even more vigor now then before.

How can someone who says they love you cut you out completely. How can they end it just like that not even be willing to tell me face to face?

All thats said is i need my space and mail me my stuff?? I know this is my fault and a result of my disgusting habit. What can i do what should i do i have never experienced pain like this before in my life except when someone died. PLEASE HELP


#2

How bad was your porn addiction? How much time did you spend on porn? Did you view weird/disgusting porn?


#3

In the beginning it was alot. I knew i needed to address the issue but never made any changes in my life just thought it would go away eventually. once i took my priest advice and started to work on it i made it a month and then slipped back into it when i stopped developing a relationship with God (or as i called it i got out of a routine). then i started addressing it again and made an effort and made it another month and then i would look at it. it never went back to what it was at the beginning but that doesn’t matter i fell back into the sin of porn. I don’t think it was weird porn now it all disgusts me. honestly i never liked porn star porn i never paid for it it was just what ever came up in the search engine.


#4

How much is a lot? Was it something you spent hours on every single day, or something you saw once a week, or a few times a month?

You asked how someone could be willing to cut you out of their life, so that’s why I’m asking. If you were spending hours every single day viewing twisted types of porn then it would be understandable why she would want nothing to do with you.

But if it was occasional viewing of nude women or normal couples sex, then I am surprised she did not give you another chance and that a therapist would tell her to leave you.


#5

How can someone who says they love you cut you out completely and end it just like that and not even be willing to tell you face to face?
Well…
just the same way that you could tell someone you loved that you loved her and respected her and would be honest with her… and then not demonstrate love, respect, or honesty.

Love is an openness based on trust. When you betray someone’s trust, you kill their trust, and killing their trust kills their ability to love you.
Little kids unfortunately don’t grow up realizing this fact because Mommy still loves you forever and ever, and no matter if you poo on her and lie to her, Mommy still loves you anyway.
But a partnership relationship with a woman isn’t a mother-child relationship, and women just don’t continue to love you forever and ever if you poo on them and lie to them.
It’s the way it is.
What are you to do now?
Learn and grow.


#6

[quote="flyingfish, post:4, topic:195864"]
How much is a lot? Was it something you spent hours on every single day, or something you saw once a week, or a few times a month?

You asked how someone could be willing to cut you out of their life, so that's why I'm asking. If you were spending hours every single day viewing twisted types of porn then it would be understandable why she would want nothing to do with you.

But if it was occasional viewing of nude women or normal couples sex, then I am surprised she did not give you another chance and that a therapist would tell her to leave you.

[/quote]

we never talked about the amount or what it was(Her and I). In the beginning it was whenever i got bored in the evenings. at my worst 5 years ago before i knew her it was as often as i could. Over time it diminished.

the year before i met her it was was just a few times a week when i would get home from work. and thats what it was at the beginning of the relationship. the busier i was the less i looked at it. The more time spent together the less it was.

After my first 2 hour conversation with a friend who is a priest i was able to go through my first month without it. there was a lot of confession and mass. i went home over Christmas break and when i came back i slipped back into my routine. i let it grow back to a few times a week and then i buckled down again and had another good month.

She wanted me to share with her every time i looked at it and we came to a compromise of once a week we could talk about it. We did that for a while and i was honest and then i would forget to share or she would forget to share how she is dealing with her emotions surrounding my porn.

Then one week it was her turn to share and she wouldn't because she didn't want to hurt me. I made the mistake of deciding if she doesn't have to share if it will hurt me then i don't have to share if it hurts her and this went on for two or three weeks where i didn't share or was not honest when i did and slipped back into it.

i have read the books i have paid for a therapist (Which at $120 an hour for a college student isn't easy insurance doesn't cover this its not a medical condition) i have had talks with countless priest and men. However all i felt like she was telling was i needed to do more and try harder and all i did was break her heart. she would follow that up with "but your a good man" but all i heard was you suck.

i am committed to this and not just doing it for her but she was a big part in me starting to address the issues.

She has given me a second chance i guess you could say and i blew it.

If any of that makes sense?


#7

[quote="former_Catholic, post:5, topic:195864"]
How can someone who says they love you cut you out completely and end it just like that and not even be willing to tell you face to face?

Well.....
just the same way that you could tell someone you loved that you loved her and respected her and would be honest with her.... and then not demonstrate love, respect, or honesty.

Love is an openness based on trust. When you betray someone's trust, you kill their trust, and killing their trust kills their ability to love you.

Little kids unfortunately don't grow up realizing this fact because Mommy still loves you forever and ever, and no matter if you poo on her and lie to her, Mommy still loves you anyway.

But a partnership relationship with a woman isn't a mother-child relationship, and women just don't continue to love you forever and ever if you poo on them and lie to them.
It's the way it is.
What are you to do now?
Learn and grow.

[/quote]

I understand that love is based on trust but i'm confused on how one day its good and she loves me and she knows that this is an area where i struggle in my life and acknowledged it and then the next day im out? This is an issue that is being addressed by me its not something i said well it will go away or ill grow out of it or all guys do it i said i want this gone and have taken steps and shown my commitment to resolving this. so knowing all that she stayed in it telling me that as an addict im probably lying to her and then when i tell her she is correct??? this


#8

What do you mean it was her turn to share? She also looks at porn?

i have read the books i have paid for a therapist (Which at $120 an hour for a college student isn’t easy insurance doesn’t cover this its not a medical condition) i have had talks with countless priest and men. However all i felt like she was telling was i needed to do more and try harder and all i did was break her heart. she would follow that up with “but your a good man” but all i heard was you suck.

i am committed to this and not just doing it for her but she was a big part in me starting to address the issues.

She has given me a second chance i guess you could say and i blew it.

If any of that makes sense?

Well, I don’t know. If she doesn’t want to be with a man who looks at porn, then she doesn’t want to be with a man who looks at porn. She is probably kidding herself if she thinks she can find a man who doesn’t look at porn at least sometimes, but it is what it is.

Do you think it was the only factor in her leaving you? She was putting up with it for so long before, was your relationship getting stale in general and did she use the porn as an excuse to end it?


#9

She recognized that she was dealing with my porn issue in a negative way and was looking for more positive ways to deal with it.

I’ve heard of and know a few men who don’t look at porn, However, i know of absolutely no one my age who doesn’t, or isn’t sleeping with 10 women a month. i am not using that as an excuse for me if i was i wouldn’t have written the first post bc it would have ended along time ago

No the relationship was good not stale this was the only issue in the whole relationship at least from what i was aware of. I’m not even sure it was so much the porn as the dishonesty.


#10

[quote="Provbrs17v27, post:9, topic:195864"]

No the relationship was good not stale this was the only issue in the whole relationship at least from what i was aware of. I'm not even sure it was so much the porn as the dishonesty.

[/quote]

Did she tell you whether it was the porn or the dishonesty? How big of a role do you think her therapist played in the way she broke up with you. It's pretty strange, almost unprofessional seeming for a therapist to tell a patient to cut ties with someone they've been with for a number of years.

At the same time, if she had trouble dealing with your porn habit throughout the relationship, it could be she just had enough.

I don't think you can really fault her for it. She wants what she wants, she told you what she wanted and you failed to deliver. Maybe in her mind your relationship was always conditional on you stopping porn, and maybe now she thinks you'll never stop and chose to cut her losses.

It's possible she will change her mind and decide she wants to give you another chance. It's possible she won't. You have to expect though that if she does give you another chance, it probably will be your very last chance unless her attitude shifts fundamentally and she starts thinking of at least some kinds of porn some of the time as okay.


#11

[quote="flyingfish, post:10, topic:195864"]
it probably will be your very last chance unless her attitude shifts fundamentally and she starts thinking of at least some kinds of porn some of the time as okay.

[/quote]

I know this wont change and thats why i love her! I was not looking for someone to accept it but to stand by me as i worked through it and be there at the end to celebrate with me!


#12

For a start you could really make some serious changes like making it hard if not impossible to look at porn from any electronic device you have access to by using blocking software and having a friend set the passwords so you cannot get access. If you are watching it on TV get rid of cable.

It may be the case that most men are using porn, however there has been an obvious explosion in the accessibility of pornography in the past 10 years or so. Previously a person would have to take themselves off to an establishment that sold it and the very act of having to go somewhere for that reason would stop people or prevent them when they experienced temptation. It took effort and will.

Now it's all available with a mouse click. So make it easier on yourself to resist temptation by making it hard to access. Pornography addiction is becoming a massive problem. It is also against church teaching and many women, especially Catholic or religious women of any hue hate it. That's not to say women don't look at porn but it seems to be a much bigger temptation for men because their sexual responses are very much tied to what they look at.

I think rather than being mad at everyone else (girlfriend, therapist) you need to show that you are really committed to changing your behavior by taking the kind of action I mention in the first paragraph.

So what if "everyone" is doing something? Our standards are not of the world but of Christ.


#13

Sorry your going through this. First to answer your question, your ex most likely still loves you but doesn’t want to be hurt by you anymore. She has the the strength to know that unless she cuts all ties to you she will slide back to a situation she doesn’t want to be in.

It’s not like she turned her love off like a faucet but, understands she is not strong enough to deal with it any other way.

I think you have to mourn the loss and learn from it. You clearly lied to her and that is probably what hurt her most of all.

There is hope that you can break you addiction and move on to a very happy relationship with someone in the future but you need to do the hard work now before entering into another relationship.


#14

Sometimes love is not enough. It sounds like she put up with a lot. Being with a man who views pornography is REALLY hurtful to a woman.

You dated for a long time, but were not maried. She probably realized that you are not a project and it is not her job to fix you. Helping friends through these sorts of things is one thing, but helping someone who supposedly loves you stop looking at other naked women that are not you is something else entirely. The fact that you consider it an addiction (which many people do) would not have made her feel any less degraded by your habit.

So, my fellow 23 year old ;), I am sorry this has happened to you. She may want to hear from you in time and hear that you are doing well and have recovered from your addiction. She still might not want to date you. Sometimes a relationship can become too poisoned. Once she has had her space, she may be willing to hear from you and you can both hopefully know that you have gained something from the relationship. She will find someone who does not put her through that (which if you love her you will admit she deserves) and you will find someone to treat the way you ought to (which you have learned from this relationship.)

I’m sorry if that was too harsh. May God bless you and your ex girlfriend and may you both find your vocations in this life.


#15

:thumbsup:


#16

Proverbs, I don't have enough information to speculate about your ex's state of mind or potential other problems in your relationships, or how the decision to break up came around.

I too am not a fan of cutting someone out completely, like overnight. This is something people are able to do and it gives them a lot of power over another and I believe this power should be used cautiously, sparingly and rarely at all.

However, as it has been said, a pornography addiction is a serious problem you need to resolve and it would be the best to get rid of it completely before looking for a relationship with a woman. Not because it's "filthy", but because it's hurtful to a woman and because you will be able to give yourself more fully when you're free.

I understand it must be very difficult for you to live with what's going on and every day is probably filled with pain. However, you won't help anything by dissecting things in your brain or by trying to contact your ex and persuading her to talk to you again. It could backfire, actually. So give it time and work on your problem and pray. Contacting a Catholic ministry that helps deal with addictions (or specially pornography addiction) might be a good idea, as might be finding a spiritual director (in which matter you'd need to talk to a priest from your parish). Talking to any priest about what to do when temptation comes, how to avoid temptation coming and other related concerns would be more than helpful. You really should do it. And not for the sake of your ex or your relationship but for the sake of God and your relationship with Him. And trust God, He will help you when you turn to Him and He won't leave you alone.


#17

I’ve seen partnership relationships survive cancer and disability. I’ve seen partnership relationships survive alcoholism, gangs, pornography and drugs. I’ve seen partnership relationships survive wars and separation and poverty and tragedy. I’ve seen partnership relationships survive infidelity. I’ve seen partnership relationships survive the life-shattering effects of childhood abuse. I’ve seen partnership relationships survive DEATH.

I haven’t seen partnership relationships survive where one partner lies to the other.

I’ve seen parent-child relationships survive where one lies to the other, but not partnership relationships. It destroys the partnership.
Shrug. It’s the way it is.
If you don’t understand that, you haven’t evolved sufficiently beyond the parent-child relationship to be at all ready for a partnership with anyone.


#18

You’re exaggerating. There are plenty of counterexamples in marriages that survive infidelity, which is a significantly worse lie than lying about having looked at porn.

That’s not to say it will happen in the OP’s case. Personally I think he still has a chance with her, if he happens to really kick the porn habit for good, demonstrate this to her, and come across as someone she still wants to be with. People break up and get back together all the time.

It’s also possible she’s done with him regardless of what he does.


#19

The two of you were dating. As I have posted before, dating is a process of exclusion. Everyone seems right in the beginning. Dating is a process by which we learn of the other person's imperfections and either exclude or include them as possible marriage partners. You were excluded. It is her right. Move on.

As far as avoiding problems in the future is concerned, a person must increase his virtue and decrease his vices. The two are opposing. The more virtuous a man is, the more he will be loved. With prevailing vices, a man will find it difficult to develop a strong loving relationship.

The thing to do is improve oneself. Turn yourself into the kind of man that you want to be. Lust is often related to sloth. Sloth is replacing that which is arduous with another thing that provides immediate gratification. Lust is also related to gluttony. The same lower faculties are involved in all three cases. Making improvements on one of these vices, by obtaining the opposite virtue, will lead to progress in all three. If you are having a hard time overcoming lust directly, work on perfecting temperance and diligence.

You will come out of this experience stronger. This is a good thing. Nothing happens in God's world by mistake.


#20

Hello.

Here are some online sites that might help. The first two were of immense help to me, the third site is one I wish I had when I was in the worst of my own struggle.

slaafws.org/

12-step-review.org/

familylifecenter.net/search.cfm (you'll need to scroll down the page and click on the highlighted areas that interest you on this page)

Many blessings.

[quote="Provbrs17v27, post:1, topic:195864"]

She wont talk to me face to face this was all done over text and phone. I am LOST! i am praying and continuing to work on the porn with even more vigor now then before.

How can someone who says they love you cut you out completely. How can they end it just like that not even be willing to tell me face to face?

All thats said is i need my space and mail me my stuff?? I know this is my fault and a result of my disgusting habit. What can i do what should i do i have never experienced pain like this before in my life except when someone died. PLEASE HELP

[/quote]


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