End of relationship...


#1

I am posting this because I am looking for supportive feedback from other Catholics - not something I have very much of in my life.

Last year, my boyfriend and I met online. We were both just about to turn 30, and both felt ready for marriage. We met in person within a few weeks, and continued to meet up as much as we could. However, it became clear in the beginning that we both have a lot of "stuff" - baggage, or history, or old patterns, however you want to look at it. We are both currently in therapy.

Part of his pattern is that he breaks up with me when he's overwhelmed. I had truly felt that because of the way we met (we were both saying a novena to St Joseph at the time, and joined a particular dating site within a few days of each other). We had some wonderful, wonderful times, moments that were so full of love despite how simple they were - such as running into the Pacific Ocean together - the kind of memories one carries throughout the rest of life.

However, our baggage clashed too often. I am almost done RN school and had just officially made plans to move to his city after graduation so we could give it a real shot. I had been patient with him as he sorted through his stuff. We are both very good people - both well educated (I'm nearing the end of my second degree, and he has two as well), we'll both have fantastic careers, and we are both very honest with ourselves with our growth and health, whether it be mental, emotional, or physical.

But last night he broke up with me. He did it with so little emotion, it was almost like someone else broke up with me. We both do not want his pattern of breaking up with me to continue, and this time it seems that he really does not think we are meant to be together. This is hard for me because we both felt God put us together, and I am praying that God reveals to me that I should move on, that this man is not the one for me.

I'm heart broken because I do not want to date again... I know the process of breakups, that in time, it will hurt less, and life goes on and new memories make way, and I will in all likelihood meet someone else. But I am confused because what I am looking for from God - that this man is right, that we are not meant to be together, I am not feeling in my heart or mind. And I know this will be a big set back for me in terms of moving on. He was truly the best man I've ever met, and I hate letting him go.

The worst part is that we only had a couple more months to go before I could move. I had trusted all this time that if we didn't work, it would be after we had given it a real go, with both of us being in the same city. He seems to have made up his mind, and I'm not sure whether he's making it up without God, or God just isn't making me privy to the plan.


#2

So sorry to hear this. Sometime, bad things happened but it is for the best.

I pray for you to feel at peace, comfort and to feel your guardian angel.

You are so so loved and never alone.

Hugs and blessings!


#3

[quote="ubcgirl, post:1, topic:312548"]
We had some wonderful, wonderful times, moments that were so full of love despite how simple they were - such as running into the Pacific Ocean together - the kind of memories one carries throughout the rest of life.

[/quote]

I think you are mistaking love for something else. This is a Lifetime movie of the week scene, not love.

[quote="ubcgirl, post:1, topic:312548"]
I am praying that God reveals to me that I should move on, that this man is not the one for me.

[/quote]

What more do you need from God? You have a man with issues serious enough to require therapy, who from the beginning admits his lack of ability to commit, and who "breaks up" with you whenever he is "overwhelmed"-- which seems to be quite often.

This is not just a sign, it is a billboard. It says, "man not able to marry now, maybe never".

You cannot fix him. You cannot help him. You being in the same city will not change him.

[quote="ubcgirl, post:1, topic:312548"]
I'm heart broken because I do not want to date again... I know the process of breakups, that in time, it will hurt less, and life goes on and new memories make way, and I will in all likelihood meet someone else.

[/quote]

Do not give your heart so readily and so eagerly. There were, I am sure, signs much earlier-- like the first time he "broke up" with you-- that this was not a relationship you should invest in emotionally. You two go serious pretty quickly, and probably shared details that created an intimacy incongruent with your time spent dating.

[quote="ubcgirl, post:1, topic:312548"]
But I am confused because what I am looking for from God - that this man is right, that we are not meant to be together, I am not feeling in my heart or mind. And I know this will be a big set back for me in terms of moving on. He was truly the best man I've ever met, and I hate letting him go.

[/quote]

This is an act of your will. God does not micromanage our lives and give us "signs" all the time. Stop looking for supernatural signs. The plain old human ones are right in front of your face.

[quote="ubcgirl, post:1, topic:312548"]

The worst part is that we only had a couple more months to go before I could move. I had trusted all this time that if we didn't work, it would be after we had given it a real go, with both of us being in the same city. He seems to have made up his mind, and I'm not sure whether he's making it up without God, or God just isn't making me privy to the plan.

[/quote]

Be thankful you did not uproot your life and move to another city for this man.

You mention that you are in therapy. I suggest you work on you and work through whatever problem brought you into therapy before you consider another relationship.

I know it is hard. You will get through it. It is best to cease contact with him.


#4

It's hard to read this and not feel bad because it does seem like God put you together. But, did He break you apart also? That would be a real test of faith for me in your position, to come to accept that this is God's will for you. Praying that God will lead and guide you forward and that He will bring peace to your heart.


#5

A relationship takes two people willing to make it work, not one.

Clearly you are committed to making it work and judging by his behavior and choices he is not. Sorry, he is not relationship material, let alone for marriage.


#6

[quote="ubcgirl, post:1, topic:312548"]

I'm heart broken because I do not want to date again... I know the process of breakups, that in time, it will hurt less, and life goes on and new memories make way, and I will in all likelihood meet someone else. But I am confused because what I am looking for from God - that this man is right, that we are not meant to be together, I am not feeling in my heart or mind. And I know this will be a big set back for me in terms of moving on. He was truly the best man I've ever met, and I hate letting him go.

The worst part is that we only had a couple more months to go before I could move. I had trusted all this time that if we didn't work, it would be after we had given it a real go, with both of us being in the same city. He seems to have made up his mind, and I'm not sure whether he's making it up without God, or God just isn't making me privy to the plan.

[/quote]

You know, it's quite possible God brought you together, even though you have ended the relationship. I have a personal belief that God brings pretty much everyone into our lives and us into theirs as opportunities for Grace, for learning, for His Own reasons. But that doesn't mean God meant for you to marry him. You learned a lot about what you want in a relationship and what you don't. In therapy, you may learn more as you go back and ask yourself questions about it. You will also learn something about what you offered or didn't, what you were in denial about or accepted.

I have a feeling it's because you were going to move to his town, that he broke it off in a final way.

You are about to embark on a new career, which will take much time and dedication. You might move somewhere new, anyway, in response to a job opportunity. You will grieve and heal and grow. God knows what you need now. Being out of the relationship, while acutely painful right now, is something you will thank Him for, at some point.

When a future husband does appear in your life, you might not even be looking for him. And this experience will have prepared you for success in that relationship. Someday.


#7

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I've been through a number of such quick transitions from. "oh, how great," to, "oh not, something deal-breaking popped up again." I'm not an expert on this, I can't tell you with 100% certainty, but I don't think you can be in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of breaking up with you. He needs to cut it and overcome it, not to be reinforced and reassured in it. What when you're married and he decides to run off?

You may have your own issues, everybody does, especially singles nearing on 30 or past that age. But that doesn't mean you have to accept everything. Including a relationship such that you don't know whether it's a relationship at all.


#8

[quote="1ke, post:3, topic:312548"]
I think you are mistaking love for something else. This is a Lifetime movie of the week scene, not love.

[/quote]

:)

To the OP, it's time to move on. Your 30; don't waste several years of your life trying to fix the unfixable.


#9

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