Ended relationship advice


#1

Well, I ended a relationship that I had been in for nearly three years this morning. I am confident in my decision but am confused about some of the issues.
Me and my girlfriend met on a Catholic dating site. She lived in NC and i live in IN. She said that when she saw my face on the dating site that she started crying, that she knew that there was something special. We talked for a few months on the phone every night and then one day, after Thanksgiving, I drove down and we met. She was in school to be a nurse and I was working a full time job. She seemed to be happy, went to mass, and we prayed together. Life was good. I flew or drove down many times and she came up and visited.
As she was starting to finish up school we had are first “breakup.” She stoped contacting me and started becoming convinced that it wasn’t going to work out. We made up after I didn’t talk to her for two days, she contacted me. This happened again and she said she hated me and stuff like that and then we made up again, she found out that her parents were moving back to new your, she could sense something wasn’t right at home and I think this depressed her, leading to the bad feelings. We continued dating and then her parents decided to move to new york before she finished school which is not what they were going to do originally. She had to move in with a friend, I helped move her stuff during my visits, and her parents and family left her to finish up alone. At this time we had another falling out, right before her graduation, I continued to pursue her and came down for graduation and we made up. She spent a month up here in IN with me and it was a great time, no arguments, we had a blast and were in love. She called me and wanted to talk all of the time when she went back to NY where her family was. She was going to move her stuff to IN and get a place to live and work. She moved her stuff to NY and got a job in two days, something she tried for a month in IN. She is a nurse. Because of that she ended up living there and is still there as a nurse. During this time her mom and dad divorced/broke up and she broke up with me again… I came up for thanksgiving last year and she wasn’t even awake to greet me when I got there, she was at her cousins house asleep. I had to get a motel room, I usually slept on the couch at her moms house. In the morning she contacted me and we hung out, she said that she wanted distance and we decided to mutually break up. I left town and told her that I needed to break off communication because that is what I need to heal. She said that she wanted to still be friends, I deleted her out of my phone but she texted back. I drove back towards IN and then decided that I couldn’t give up that easy (I knew she was depressed and this had happened before) I came back and we had a good time the next two days. She even said that we were going back together. At the end of the two days I asked her if she was sincere about the past two days and she said no; therefore everything that I felt those past two days was a lie. I went home to IN and kept texting her, we kept on texting together for the next month, we got back together. I came out to NY again for Christmas/newyears and we had an awesome time. Towards the end of the visit she told me that she had been through some really dark times the past two years (the move, divorce, etc…) and that she had matured a lot. She said that I really made her happy and that this time things would be different. She said that we both have to be strong and hang in there. She said that she would try to move to IN in the summer and we could be close together (I can’t move or I would, I’m finishing up my 4year). I thought that this was awesome, but now from all of our past I knew to see if it was true. I left and we kept in contact. I came up on the MLK weekend, and we had a good time and then I had to go back home. From that day on she never texted or called me to see how I was doing…


#2

She would only send back short text if I initiated it and would only talk if I asked call. I became depressed (school, winter, work) and asked, then pleaded for help. She didn’t respond and when she did she was at work (third shift) and said that she would text me in the morning(when she got off) she never did. We talked on the phone yesterday and it was a cold call, she waited until she was driving to pick her mom up at the grocery store and had me on speaker phone, she was cold and you could tell didn’t care about the call. I tried to get a conversation rolling but it failed. We got off the phone and I decided to text her to see if she still planned on moving up in the summer (I am just trying to get an answer to why she is so distant; she gives me no answers or help). She said “I dunno.” So I texted her that I am breaking up. No answer. The next few hours I asked her why she was so distant, what she was feeling, if there was something wrong and all she said was “It sounds like you have a lot to think about.” What kind of answer is that. So this morning I texted her and she responded. We knocked it back and forth a bit and she said that she had to study for the mcat. The mcat?! I didn’t know that she was pursuing that, she had talked about it in the past and I think it is awesome and totally support her. But she never told me about it. So I called her and it went to voice mail three times, then she finally answered. I wanted to know what was up now! I am sorry, but you cant leave someone hanging. She told me that she never wanted to have children or get married, that she was just with me because she didn’t want to be mean and break up… I said that is fine and I will break up, that I just wanted closure, you don’t lead someone on, it is hell. So now here I am, thinking. Although I only wrote about the bad times, they always happened when we were apart for a long time. If we were together for more than a week I could tell that she was in love as well. And some of our apart times were good too.
What I don’t know is if she is just depressed again or if this is for real. I know I have to treat it as for real, I said I would. I have cut off contact with her, erased messages, facebook stuff etc… When we are together she becomes happy and we are in love, when I leave she grows cold and pushes me away. I really wish that I could have dated in the same town for some time. I don’t know, I have always been there for her and hate to leave her, she has beautiful qualities and I love her. (Btw, she has stopped going to mass because work interferes) I think she is depressed and trying to run from the pain of being apart and the pain of her home life (the divorce) by pushing everyone away. (In the past she would say that she just wanted to close up and shut everything out of her life; she was depressed). So, now I sit and see… I think if I was there things would be fine… I can’t be there and I am afraid that she will drift away and forget about me. I really wish we had a real opportunity. Although, I say to myself, if she really loved me she would be there for me and we wouldn’t be having these problems.
Anyways, any insight is appreciated. When we were together we were inseparable; with distance dead. I don’t understand. Should I have made the sacrifice and just moved out there? My program isn’t available… btw I am 28 and she is 26.
Thank you.


#3

This does not sound like a very healthy relationship. It also sounds like you are not picking up on subtle and not so subtle clues while albeit you did say that we are only getting part of the story. I really think that you need to break contact and work on yourself so that you can be a stronger person for a woman later down the line. By stronger I mean having more stability. There is a difference between compromising and jumping at every perceived whim. At this point I would leave this girl alone - I think she has made her feelings known.


#4

As a lot pf people know, In a relationship, It takes two to tango. It seems to me that you really love your ex-girlfriend but she is not reciprocating. Maybe she has her own reasons why she doesn’t want to to continue the relationship but maybe she is just scared to be honest with you because she does not want to hurt your feelings.

If you have done everything you can to show her that you really love her and if she does not value it , then I suggest it’s time for you to move on and take care of yourself. It is easier said then done but this is what you have to do one day at a time…

I’ll be praying for you. God always wants what’s best for His children. I am sure there is someone better for you. Though you are in this hurtful situation right now, never stop smiling :smiley: you never know who may fall in love with your smile…

God bless


#5

That’s the thing, she hasn’t made them known. For now yes, but two weeks later what? That is what is so confusing. She wants to be together and make moves towards the future and then in the blink of the eye everything is off… over and over and over again. Almost on a cycle. I think she struggles with depression. That is why I wished I could live in the same town (she does too) so we could see how much of it is caused by the distance. Oh well.


#6

With that much data I can only say the relationship isn’t healthy and the girl has serious problems she should seek professional help with (on condition that the information you wrote is free from excessive bias). There is also an obvious relationship problem with a person who doesn’t want marriage or children–you can’t date forever and you can’t marry (validly) a person who wants no children. This is sad, suffice to say I know something about it one from experience.


#7

I am sorry this happend. Since I have been down this road before I understand fully where you are comming from. IMO you did the right thing. She very clearly and on several times broadcasted to you that she had lost intrest. Sometimes distance does that, esspecially when one party is under a lot of stress or is suffering through a depression. Do not lose heart the right person will came along sooner or later. Just be patient and trust in our Lord. Its what I have been doing for the last 2 years and I have not lost hope yet


#8

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