Engaged couple in need of much help!

Hello everyone,

Let me start with the situation. I am a military member currently stationed overseas in Japan. I was raised catholic along with my fiance and we both currently practice actively. I have been in a long distance relationship with my fiance for a year now. We have been close friends for nearly two years. Up until recently even though there is great distance in our relationship we have a very stong love and commitment for each other. We spend probably 1-2.5 hours a day talking or video chatting to maintain our relationship and keep lines of communication open.

About a week ago my fiance told me about a female friend counselor of hers while while working at a christian youth camp this summer. The female friend was experincing some dificulties at home with her parents due to her sexual orentation. She had just come out to her parents about being a lesbian. The parents not knowing what to do or handle this girl kicked her out at 17 nearly 18 before she went to college. In steps my fiance feeling bad for a fellow human in hardship. My fiance offered this girl a place to stay over the weekend while she sorted out her options. The place to stay ended up being with her in her bed in the staff cabin because they couldnt find other options at camp. I talked about this with my fiance about the emotional situation this girl is going through and all the confusion and emptiness she is feeling due to being kicked out and rejected. We both agreed that this girl needed help but she needs to be directed to someone that can help her decern her sexual confusion and support her spiritually. long story short In the end the girl ended up sleeping in the same bed.

I talked to my fiance the morning after and she had talked about the girl being a bit “cuddly” but nothing forward or sexual. We talked about it and the advice I gave to my fiance was that this young girl is emotional, sexually and spiritual confused right now. You need to be very careful in that you helping her with her grief and being a good person the girl doesnt take that the wrong and get confused about what the nature in which your helping her. My fiance and I both agreed that to keep an arms distance approach was necessary in this situation so this girl doesnt get lead on to think my fiance likes her. After our conversation my fiance told me that this girl needs a place to stay just one more night. I told her of my thought and how I didnt think it was a good Idea but I also allowed her to make the decison for her own self because she was in the situation. The follow morning I get a phone call from my fiance at a time earlier than expected. We talked a bit and I could tell that something was on her mind. So I asked her if anything had happened between her and that girl the previous evening. Through talking she began to explain about a sexually explicit encounter that was spured on by this other girl that consisted of actions more than kissing. My fiance didnt show any forms of remorse and thought it was ok because she enjoyed it. I told her of my extreme disapproal and that i was very dissappointed in her action.

Im currently at a lose of words towards my fiance and im ready to give up. What should I do? Is there any way I can work this trough? Because we are only engaged should I not fight for my relationship as much as I would like because we’re not married and take my lose and step back? Any prayers or advice would be much appreciated in this time of decernment.

My fiance offered this girl a place to stay over the weekend while she sorted out her options. The place to stay ended up being with her in her bed in the staff cabin because they couldnt find other options at camp

If you are being sincere and this post isn’t a joke, it’s quite obvious what you should do. Dump this guy and move on with your life. You deserve better and it will only get worse. So to sum up: Break up with your fiancé and live your life without worry, stress and fear.

Dump what guy?
Unless I’m misreading the OP, the OP is the man in the relationship. His fiancee engaged in gravely disordered, sinful homosexual acts with another girl and has shown no remorse for both her infidelity nor the nature of the acts she has engaged in. Making excuses such as “the other girl initiated everything” is just plain pathetic. If I were the OP, I would ask her “what would you say if I invited another woman…or even another man…into my bed and allowed him or her to do sexual things to me, but then told you it was perfectly OK because they initiated the sexual acts?”. I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but if she doesn’t show remorse for these actions, nor even understand why they are an incredibly hurtful betrayal of her future husband, the relationship is incredibly unhealthy.

To the OP: I’m very sorry you are going through this. I would talk with your fiancee and lay everything out. If she can’t acknowledge how gravely wrong her actions were, you need to move on to protect yourself.

I’m being completely honest. And the guy is me and my fiancé aka the female cheated on me with another female.

It doesn’t matter if she cheated with a man or a woman, the advice is the same:

Break up with her and move on with your life.

Break up with her.

She has very serious boundary issues and does not respect you.

You voiced your disapproval of the situation more then once and not only did she disregard what you said, the situation escalated and she is not remorseful.

Break up with her immediately and tell her she is no where near ready for marriage because she has a lot of issues she needs to work through.

I’d also recommend cutting contact with her for an extended period of time. She needs to understand that their are consequences to these actions and that you will not tolerate this type of behavior…especially if you end up married to her. Take a break from her. She needs to work on herself first.

Pray for her but keep your distance. She has unhealthy issues with boundaries…male or female.

I stepped back from the relationship for three days to let things settle so I could decern the future of our relationship. Now that she has stepped back and once I cut all communication with her she realized what she had done. Some people love by the that first reaction is the the greatest example of what is on there mind. I fear that now because she is in fear of loosing me she is reeling and trying to do her best to fix the damage. Cheating in a relationship is a very serious nature. When you add a homosexual act I feel like that it makes it into such a serious issue that you can’t really repair the damage. My first instinct and the one I’m praying about is if I should break up. I feel like at this point there is nothing I can do other than take action to protect my self emotionally.

Your “fiancée” is sexually confused and obviously has no problem being promiscuous. She sounds pretty immature. She’s testing out your reaction to her experimentation to see if you will tolerate this behavior or if she can manipulate you.

She is NOT marriage material.

Get FAR away from her, end the “engagement”. Find someone who is not *sexually *confused about their own identity and boundaries and not *morally *confused about what it means to be ENGAGED to someone.

If you believe that there was absolutely NO place on the planet (or at the camp for that matter) for this girl to stay besides in the same bed as your fiancée, you are really gullible.

Yes, you need to end it with this girl.

Your wife-to-be thinks it’s okay to make out and more in bed with an underage girl and doesn’t feel anything was wrong? :eek:

This is very bad for the young woman. She recently came out to her parents and was kicked out which would presumably leave her feeling vulnerable and lonely. There’s a power dynamic now if your fiance is her only support, offering her a place to stay etc. Is the young woman still staying with your fiance? It’s best to find a different place for her immediately. The touching escalated so quickly, it’s unlikely it will stop with your fiance seeing it as no big deal.

Did you two speak about about your views on living chastely before? Adultery? Does she think making out is okay? I mean, there are so many things in this one situation that I believe you need to take a step back. Definitely take your time in trying to sort out your thoughts and emotions. Breaking up would be a totally reasonable response though.

She may seem remorseful now that she’s worried you’re pulling back but don’t think this is where it ends. Her initial attitude and response means that her beliefs and moral values are quite different from your own. If she’s only worried because you’ll leave her, it won’t help unless she truly understands what she did was wrong. If you decide to try to make it work, there needs to be some serious talking…

Right. Just because you are “engaged” you should NOT “fight” for this relationship when you find a major deal breaker.

The point of dating is discerning marriage and if there are any deal breakers you don’t ignore them-- you acknowledge them and you discern that marriage to this person is not a good idea.

And, you thank God you found out **before **marriage that she has no problem doing sexual things with other women and thinks you should be OK with it too.

Let me add that I am wondering why you are even second guessing yourself? If she had offered her bed to a 17 year old guy and then had sex with him, would you be coming here to ask if you are the crazy one for thinking this is wrong? Then why does it matter that it was a girl-- that’s actually WORSE.

Say goodbye and count your blessings?

I read both this post and the question you posted for the apologists.

After reading 1ke’s post, I agree. This girl is not ready for marriage. Simple truth is people like that will be changed by marriage.

The fact that you two are so far apart isn’t easy, but really as Father Serpa told you “there’s already red flags”.

My concern is if you marry this woman she will cheat on you.

I also want to comment on this notion of fighting for a relationship, especially a long distance one.

I get you’re a strong lad. You’re in the military which isn’t for wussy pushovers. But sometimes you can fight all you want and end up going nowhere. I don’t see this is a case where you are competing, because this woman you are engaged to “has no remorse” as Father Serpa said.

It puts you in a tough spot because you are fighting for essentially a remorseless cheater and if you did “win” all that would happen is you’d validate her behavior.

Listen, I’ve been through the whole noble idea of fighting for a person. But in my case, I had to look at who I was fighting for: a woman who wanted my money, probably cheated on me, and used the car we got together to have sex with another guy.

It’s good that you’ve stopped to look around. But by all means DO look carefully. This isn’t good for you and she isn’t going to change because you she marries you.

You are encouraged to forgive her actions and to pray for her. It stops right there though. You have zero obligation to continue the relationship and try to make it work.
I think it sends a very clear and very loud message to her that you tolerate this kind of behavior…not just her behavior but any woman who behaves this way. I mean anyway…man or woman involved.

It’s one thing if you are married. It’s another thing entirely if she is just your fiancé or girlfriend.

You are in the military. The last thing you need is to marry a woman who clearly demonstrates that she is free to act as she pleases when you are away. If you get married and get deployed…for training or for work…this situation you are enduring now will be a massive trigger.
Would you feel completely comfortable leaving her alone again? Why go into a marriage with this on your shoulders?
No, you don’t.
You need a wife who will stand by your side, who you can trust completely at home or away.

Tell her she needs to work on herself first. She needs to do this before she gets serious within a relationship.
She needs to work on herself and she can do it without you.

Time for you to move on.
Pray for her. I’ll be praying for your intentions & for the Holy Spirit to give her guidance & direction.

It is very alarming to have an under age girl in an emotionally vulnerable position being under someone’s roof and the adult being sexually inappropriate. That’s the kind of thing that lands people in jail, and rightly so. Think about it for a moment. That’s the very thing sexual predators do to gain the trust of an underage person, taking them under their wing at a vulnerable time, and sexually inappropriate things happen. Your fiancee may very well have presented the situation in a way that makes it more palatable to you, but I read that and I’m alarmed.

I’m not going to bother to list all the things wrong with this since everyone else already did, so I’ll just quote 1k3:

So ask for your ring back, and move on.

How much longer will you be in Japan? There are Catholic women there too, and most of them speak English already. Good luck.

If my fiance had cheated on me or put herself in those kind of situations I would have dumped her. It’s that simple.

Also, depending upon the ages of the parties involved and the local laws, this could have been a criminal act.

For the record, it’s *fiancé *if it’s a man and fiancée if it’s a woman. Hopefully this will help to avoid any further confusion.

Call off the wedding; there is nothing to fight for, this girl needs professional counseling before she should ever consider marriage again and you need a wife who will be loyal to you in any circumstances.


Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. The presence of The Lord was visible in the whole entire decernmemt process. Praise Jesus for his steady hand of peace and clarity. I could not allow myself to accept the type of behavior that took place in my relationship. I did what was necessary and removed my self and broke up. Moving forward I must fall back on The Lord to help me in this healing process. Praise be The Lord Amen

God bless you for your courage. Be at peace.

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