Engaged: Worried about Intimacy


#1

Hello, Thank you for reading my post. I just proposed to my girlfriend on Friday, and as great as that is it has also brought a lot of worries to the surface for me. I had a conversion experience in high school and since then I have been living as chastely as possible by the grace of God. I've never had sex. I'm worried that I won't perform well because of lack of experience.
I would like to hear from any guys out there who have gone through a similar situation. I want to stop feeling like I should call everything off because of this.
Please help!


#2

People have been intimate since the dawn of time. Everyone has a first time.

Relax. All will be well. Don’t put pressure on yourself. You will work it out together. God made us for one another, and you will be fine.


#3

Two tips:

  1. Quit worrying. She’ll be delighted with your initial lack of skills, because it proves you saved yourself all for her. If I figured it out by the day AFTER the honeymoon, you will too. That’s right, it often takes a few tries - no worries, man. She loves you.

  2. Astroglide. Buy it at Walgreens or CVS by the “other” sex stuff. Man up and march it right up to the cash register. If she’s been waiting like you have, you’ll need this lubrication assistance and she’ll be mighty grateful. Wish somebody had told ME this tip before I got married! Took me months to learn of it!

Repeat step #1 as needed!


#4

[quote="manualman, post:3, topic:177334"]
Astroglide.

[/quote]

Oh, yes, MM is absolutely right! Get some Astroglide.


#5

Get two books - okay, three :)

Popcack's "Holy Sex"

West's "Good News About Sex and Marriage"

Sheen's "Three to Get Married"


#6

ajc82;5973885]Hello, Thank you for reading my post. I just proposed to my girlfriend on Friday, and as great as that is it has also brought a lot of worries to the surface for me. I had a conversion experience in high school and since then I have been living as chastely as possible by the grace of God. I've never had sex. I'm worried that I won't perform well because of lack of experience.
I would like to hear from any guys out there who have gone through a similar situation. I want to stop feeling like I should call everything off because of this.
Please help!

My friend do not worry, if you have followed Christ in the teachings of His Church--that is all you can do.


#7

Seriously don’t worry about this. If you’re really concerned about performance, work out so that you have some stamina (but if you’re already in reasonable shape you don’t need to). Aside from that, you will learn pretty quickly, it’s something that comes naturally after all. You can always read literature about techniques too if you don’t think you’re creative enough. Though figuring it out on your own would be fun for you and your wife.

Have you talked to her about this? You should. I (as a woman) would be understanding and excited.


#8

Great sex is not about operating from some playbook that has worked well on other women. Getting to know your wife is what it’s about, and having known other women would not be an advantage.


#9

:thumbsup:

I’d also recommend being honest about these fears with your fiancee. You have a lifetime together to ‘perfect’ your sexual relationship so don’t feel the first time has to be the best. Also many women never need astroglide or other lubrication besides the natural kind;) so I don’t know that I’d recommend that…she might want to get it herself too, women can be picky about what they want to use on their bodies. Again, talking is the best solution.


#10

Seriously, don't worry about it! This isn't like in the movies where you have to make it absolutely "perfect" and "magical" and if it isn't you are a failure because you couldn't "perform".

Honestly, I wish somebody would of told me to relax. The first time hurt for me and I couldn't climax so I thought I was some kind of failure. I ended up in the bathroom on the toilet crying because I thought there was something wrong for me. At the time it wasn't funny but I look back and laugh at myself now.

To be quite honest, it took DH and I a LONG time to figure out how to have good sex. We aren't good communicators on this kind of subject so it's been an uphill battle, but it all boils down to talking with your spouse and learning likes and dislikes of the other person. Once you have the open communication, you will be able to please your spouse and hence the "good" sex will begin.

Even if the first time is not what you thought it would be, it's still the first time with your spouse and a very holy and beautiful thing. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!


#11

[quote="kage_ar, post:5, topic:177334"]
Get two books - okay, three :)

Popcack's "Holy Sex"

West's "Good News About Sex and Marriage"

Sheen's "Three to Get Married"

[/quote]

Great suggestions! Great books!

Another one: "Be still and know that I am God."

The good thing for the both of you, if the first time, or the second, or the third, etc. are not perfect, you have the rest of your lives to practice. :thumbsup:

Best wishes, congratulations and all of that!


#12

Don’t worry, I can assure you that it’ll be awkward at first lol :slight_smile:

But that’s ok, I’m confident you’ll get into the swing of things. By the way I’d like to post how much I admire you for your commitment and your success if maintaining it. This is one aspect of living the faith in which I have utterly failed, and looking back I wish I had been as successful as you!

But yeah, back on your main point. Dont’ worry, it’s natural. It won’t take very long at all to get any possible awkwardness worked out.


#13

I admire you immensely for your dedication to your marriage, your wife and God in remaining pure before your wedding! May you be richly blessed for your faithfulness and love!

I was sadly not a virgin when I married. :( But even having had "prior experience" I was just as nervous as if it had been my first time. There is something different about married love than just "having sex". There is something sacred, holy, a whole new dimension of commitment and love. You realize that you are done "having sex" and you are now "making love." Our wedding night was very awkward. I was so incredibly nervous, yes even with prior mistakes of my youth :(. Prior experience is nothing compared to the joys of marital love. It was a whole new experience for me. I realized that this is forever. I will never be in love with or make love to another man and I couldn't be happier. I was making love to a man who loves me and cherishes me and intends to stay with me forever. It was the most incredible feeling ever. I felt saved and washed clean from all those past sins of my youth, and felt the hope of a new and more perfect love blossoming before my eyes. So even with the awkwardness and nervousness of the night, we still had a blessed and holy time "making love." So the sooner you quit seeing it as mere "sex" and the sooner you see it as "making love" with the love of your life, the better off you'll be.

I also, HIGHLY recommend discussing these fears with your future bride. I think she will think you are twice the man you already are for doing so. :thumbsup:


#14

Don’t worry, everything will be fine! Just relax and try to enjoy yourself. Sex is supposed to be fun, you know. :thumbsup: Just pay attention to how your fiance (well, wife by then :stuck_out_tongue: ) is doing. If it’s uncomfortable for her, it will probably be uncomfortable for you, too. At least, that’s what me and my husband found. And yes, a lubricant will probably be helpful. Even if the first time isn’t all that fantastic, don’t worry! It will take time to get used to each other and figure out what you both like. Me and my husband have a lot more fun now than we did on our honeymoon, and we’ve only been married for three months.

Lastly, awesome job on remaining chaste until marriage! :thumbsup: I’m sure your fiance loves you even more because you’re saving yourself for her! :smiley:


#15

Aw, like others have said, don't worry. It will all work itself out. Congratulations on your engagement! :)


#16

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. You all are wonderful, and I'm feeling better thanks to your advice.
It's amazing how the world hates chastity. All the negative messages make it easy to beat yourself up, but it is refreshing to hear from people who value purity.
I'll try to work up the courage to talk to her about all this. Please pray for me!

ICXC+NIKA

Andrew


#17

The world hates chastity, because it’s not easy at times to remain chaste. The irony is though, that life actually is harder on people when they DON’T follow the Commandments, than if they do. :o Keep doing what you’re doing, and who cares what the rest of the world is doing! Congrats, again. :slight_smile:


#18

Wanted to add another thing.

Think about marriage as a journey to heaven. You and your wife are supposed to help each other make it to heaven. Your Models are Christ and His Bride the Church! Your marital love will not be perfectly mirroring the Model marriage union, Christ's love for His Church, from day one. In fact a lifetime worth of loving probably won't make you a perfect image. But you start with day one, your wedding night, and grow daily more and more like your Model. Your sexual union, as well as all aspects of your marriage, will become more perfect with time the more perfectly they mirror your Model marriage union. You will be a good lover in as far as you are "Christ" to your wife, "the Church." :)

Good sex starts with holy marriages. Holy marriages bear forth fruit of holy, satisfying sexual unions. :thumbsup:


#19

[quote="ajc82, post:16, topic:177334"]
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. You all are wonderful, and I'm feeling better thanks to your advice.
It's amazing how the world hates chastity. All the negative messages make it easy to beat yourself up, but it is refreshing to hear from people who value purity.
I'll try to work up the courage to talk to her about all this. Please pray for me!

ICXC+NIKA

Andrew

[/quote]

I was a virgin when I married. This is one skill you won't mind practicing. ;)

And it is a skill. Sex will most likely not be fireworks the first time, but over the course of time, as you learn each other's responses and "that spot right there" it will get better.

Key thing is communication and honesty. If you don't like something, say so. If you like something, say so. If you want to try something, say so.


#20

[quote="dulcissima, post:8, topic:177334"]
Great sex is not about operating from some playbook that has worked well on other women. Getting to know your wife is what it's about, and having known other women would not be an advantage.

[/quote]

All women are different so there is no one technique. Don't be afraid to talk and to listen to her desires. Don't try to rush anything, let nature take its course.


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