Exhusband wrote to daugther :(


#1

Good day I am just needing to vent and ask for advise, thoughts, chat??? Anything at all, not really feeling so well at the moment…Feeling sick to my stomach!!! After all the issues and all my exhusband’s bs this is what he sent our daughter:

“Hi gordie baby how have you been ? how are your brothers ? i miss you all so much. baby i am writein to tell you that we bought you a cell phone so we can talk text each other and im trying to send it to you but your mother is beening difcult so if you can please call me or write to me and tell me if you want and give me your address my love i miss you talk to you soon”

I appreciate your help…thank you all in advance…


#2

I think this is part 3 of your saga and I have not been following it, but I am really sorry for the emotional distress he is putting you through. I can only assume that he has been abusive and/or neglectful in the past if you are in such turmoil.

It sounds to me like he knows he is missing something, experiencing loneliness, and only knows manipulation to fill that hole until he thinks he can survive alone again. He needs plenty of prayers.


#3

It might be like this for awhile until he gets his head straight. I wish someone could talk some sense into him, and I don’t even know HALF of what happend to you! None of my buisness, either.

I feel so sorry for you and your family. I will pray for you guys, big time.


#4

Praying …

:angel1:


#5

Oh no, but you know what??? I remember your thread from last week, you KNEW he would do this…he would pit you against her…so now we have CONFIRMATION that he is truly not interested in giving her the cell phone, but rather carrying on his silly games with YOU through your daughter. I would not get in the middle of this…I would tell your dd that you are NOT being difficult. I would have her give him your address and be done with it. But, this could be the tip of the iceberg. I mean, it’s amazing to me that he does this. Simply amazing.

I’m sorry iluv. Prayers that things get better. :hug1:*


#6

This is exactly what some wise people in an old thread of yours said would happen. He is using your daughter to cause you pain.

Simply tell your daughter to send him your address in the case he doesn’t already know it, and wait for him to mail the phone there. If she’s old enough to understand, you might explain to her that you already told him that he should mail her the cell phone or bring it to your address and that there was a misunderstanding (which of course there wasn’t, but it probably wouldn’t be good to tell a young child about how nasty her dad is).

Maybe even show her the e-mail where you told him to send her the phone.

Whatever you do, don’t contact him about this. He is just waiting for you to e-mail him back saying “why are you lying to our daughter blah blah blah”. Don’t do this. Just tell your daughter to e-mail him her address to receive the phone.


#7

*Exactly…couldn’t agree more. Throw that bait right back in the water, iluv. Send the address…and don’t get involved. I’d minimize your contact with him, frankly. If he writes you at work, don’t respond until you get home. And respond with no emotion, and minimally. Let’s go over this again…BE STRONG, RINSE AND REPEAT. :smiley: We’re here for you, girl…don’t worry. *


#8

Jeez, iluv, your ex is a real piece of cr**. :console:


#9

Yep, he’s as predictable as the sunrise.

Print out the old email copy of the one you sent him giving your address and telling him to send the phone, and show it to her.

No other comment necessary.

The only reason I suggest it is because he has thrown the first grenade telling her you were being difficult.

You don’t want her to think you are trying to keep her from her father.

He’ll disappoint her all by himself. You just have to stand there and watch.


#10

As you were advised last time, give the man his children’s address.


#11

Oh iluv - I am so sorry he is still going on about this. I would just have you or your daughter send him her mailing address. She can say something like…since it approved by both of my parents sure dad, I am happy to take the phone. Now is a good time to lead by example and teach her how to act with class as she becomes a young lady.
He is really trying to put her in the middle of this. For him, this cell phone is meant to be a noose around your neck.
A hug for you


#12

Good day everyone since we have finished moving into the new home, I mailed the new address to him and before then I did mail him this this was last week:

"We are in the process of moving won’t be moving for another week so please mail whatever you need to, to the post office box, POBOX ***** *******, il *****

I will let you know what the new home address is as soon as I know it…"

And today emailed him the new address, and I will show my daughter that I had sent him as requested address information, which he all ready has, that’s how much he keeps his kids’ information I have sent him home address information countless times but whatever…

He will never change, he will continue being the same as he always is…I just have to try and keep a positive notion and head…My daughter wrote back to him and asked him “what kind of phone is it!?” lol I thought it was kind of funny but I know her materialistic self is kicking in… He hasn’t responded to her and I am afraid she will stay there waiting for him to respond to her and he won’t only will break her heart again and again…I feel so bad for my kids…

Thanks everyone for your help and support!


#13

There will come a day, trust me, when you won’t be affected by this guy. You will grow sort of indifferent to him, and his nonsense. I think you did the best thing possible…and remember, show no emotion.** Learn to become unaffected by him.** Don’t let him take your peace. You can control that, you can’t control anyone else, but you can control yourself and how you react. If he writes back something combative, don’t take the bait. Just don’t reply even at work. He should focus on his ‘new’ wife and family…and pray for him. We should pray for those who hurt us…eventually, hopefully, he will see that he needs to change his ways. Good luck, iluv. Thx for the update. :)*


#14

Tell your daughter she’s free to communicate with her father. Soon enough she’s going to feel the bitter reality of her father’s mental illnesses. You don’t need to print out proof that you e-mailed. As advised by another poster STOP the e-mail.

Block his address on your e-mail and go on to your minor child’s e-mail account and block his address on there. Children under 13 aren’t legally supposed to have e-mail. If its your e-mail you’re under no obligation to forward or show it to her. Keep her alive in logic.

Have all communications sent through registered mail. The cost alone will prevent petty manipulations, and if you are ever forced to go to court it will stand up better than e-mail or regular mail.

I’d be very aware that your child may experience mental issues with her cell phone as her father may text her all times day and night, control her with an electronic leash, etc.

At this point you’re giving a mentally ill person a direct connection to your child. I’d go for free legal advice, and get councellers lined up. You’re going to need them.


#15

You can’t block his communications. I disagree with PurpleSunshine.

Legally, you just can’t do it.

What you do need to do is learn to turn off the switch and be able to ignore him. Like water off a duck’s back. Once you learn that skill, you will finally be able to teach your children to deal with him. How can you do that if you haven’t learned?

Because she will be hurt by him. They all will. You have to turn that to a benefit. NOW is the time for her, before she starts dating, to learn to recognize that game-playing in guys. Or she will end up with someone just as emotionally unavailable and manipulative as her father. She will see it as something she feels familiar with, instead of something to avoid at all costs.

When he disappoints her, doesn’t call or respond to her letters, ask her “Do you like being treated like that?” “Remember how that feels. People who respect you don’t treat you like that.” “Avoid men who spend their time getting YOU to respond to THEM, but when YOU reach out to them, THEY don’t respond to YOU.”

That kind of thing. It may sink in. She may catch on. It may help her make healthier choices later.


#16

That’s my concern, here. That your daughter, iluv, will think this is how men treat women. Girls, gosh they yearn for that love…that genuine love and affirmation from their dads. When they come to terms with the fact that their dads don’t give them that, or are incapable of it…ugh, it can mean bad choices for choosing a mate later in life. But, hopefully, through lots of prayer, she will not make bad choices. It is so very hard though…to watch your daughter, any child, be played with by their own parent, of all people! It’s definitely confusing for a kid, like I said, in this case, especially a girl…who yearns to be her daddy’s girl. Sigh, why does life have to be so tough sometimes. :frowning:


#17

What?

Legally she has every right to block his e-mail so long as she sets up a viable form of communication, it dosn’t even have to be to her directly. Many separated couples talk through lawyers.

Since when can you not block e-mails? You can block a boss who sends you information on a personal e-mail. You can legally block a professor, too. (which is another reason why many colleges give out e-mails). These communications are harassment…while there’s no threat, its still harassment and lies.

And children under 13 are NOT allowed to have email or sign up for ANY Internet product without the consent of the custodial parent, which Iluv is.

Any child between the ages of 13 to 18 who signs up for an interent product still cannot be held legally liable for anything done on that program, as its a form of a contract and someone under 18 cannot be held to a contract without the consent (typically a signature) of a parent/guardian.

Want to know how far people have taken the contract thing? A 16yo who looked 25/30 went to a dealership and bought a car…paid the minimum down payment. The salesmen never verified his age. The kid wrecked the car within a month and the kid just stopped making payments. Because he was under age and had no parental signature the car dealership couldn’t hold him to the contract. If I had the case number, I’d give it to you…I studied it in business law.


#18

Family law is very different than business law. And if the mother tries to block or thwart communication between a child and a parent (who is not judicially restrained from communicating with the child) that can be construed as alienation of affections and the parent could lose custody.

It looks vindictive and bad.

Having said that, allowing a child to have email to contact a parent allows the parent some supervision of the communication (if needed. Since parent is guarantor of email account.) And it keeps the parents from having to communicate directly with each other.

Of couse she should block HIS emails at work. I just don’t think it’s wise to block his emails to the daughter.

She has tried to encourage it. He has been lazy and uncommunicative. I say give him all the rope he needs to hang himself.


#19

When she’s 13, its a different story. But until then the custodial parent, vindictive or rightly protective, has the right to deny e-mail contact. The father can still use snail mail or, now, the phone. But children under 13 cannot even validly hold an e-mail address without parental consent.


#20

I am so sorry this is happenning - you have received much advice - take it - pray for him. Try this one on for size, it helps me.

This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him. God save me from being angy. Thy will not mine be done.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.