facing divorce

Hello everyone,
I am currently separated and facing divorce and I am devastated. My wife of 22yrs asked me to leave the house a couple of months ago and she seems to be determined to make it permanent. I have pleaded with her to no avail. She is not a practicing Catholic anymore and doesn’t feel that divorce is a big deal. I am not placing blame on her and I am not here to complain. I am here to ask if there are others who have gone through this and get some opinions and insight into life after divorce as a Catholic.
I know full well what the catechism has to say about divorce and I don’t want to live in a perpetual state of mortal sin. I am not looking to find another mate, that being said, I know myself and don’t think I can live the rest of my life alone. I don’t know if divorce itself is a sin but I do know that it is not recognized by the church or God. That would mean that if I were to ever have another relationship I would be committing adultery on an ongoing basis and whoever I was with would be doing the same.
I am lost and I am in fear of losing my soul.
I need to hear from others who have dealt with this. Is there life as a Catholic after divorce? Am I supposed to live the rest of my life alone? Is this what God wants of me?

I am divorced, and am finding the Catholic Church and in RCIA. I am 30 years old married 7 with 3 kids, been separated/divorced 2 years.

I have been treated very compassionately and welcomed into my church family. Don’t see divorce itself as too much of a stigma.

Now I have not sought a knew relationship yet, I am just working on my vocation of being a father, and possibly called into single life.

If you feel you will want another relationship definitely talk to your priest. I did and it was very helpful. I am blessed with a very pastoral priest. You can pursue annulment and if granted, you would be free to remarry.

If it is not granted I would encourage you to really consider it as a call in your life. Just because you are not married does not mean you will be alone.

I have found many friends in the last couple years. At times of course it’s hard not having a wife to share the journey, but one day at a time.

I also understand there is nothing you can do to stop your wife from divorcing you. But please do whatever you can to save it. I wish I had tried a bit harder.

Ante: $0.02

Talk to a priest (call one you know, or one you don’t and physically go meet with them at the church or rectory [preferably away from other Church goer’s]), do not wait. Have him hear your confession. It will set you back up on your feet and give you different perspective on nearly everything. Take care of your kids (if you have kids). Exercise, sleep, talk to people who will support you. Ride the waves (of whatever the stupid waves are between the spectrum of possible emotions). Work your day-to-days.

And don’t forget to pray for the safety of the priest that you spoke to.

You are not meant to be alone, but you are not meant to cure that right this second, don’t let another woman even brush up against you.

God Bless. Praying. . .

Funny you said “ride the waves”. I have found a lot of joy and stress relief in surfing since my divorce. So I guess I am riding the waves figuratively and literally. Lol

Dear Lord May I boldly say, you are my helper, I will not fear. You are with me and will keep me wherever I go. You will not leave me and I can be strong and of good courage.
You Lord stood with Paul in the Bible and strengthened him. You will take care of me. Lord you are with me always even to the end of the age. You are He who lives and was dead. You will not leave me an orphan. You will come to me, You will give me peace. Lord may I live confident in your care for me and your presence with me. I will never leave nor forsake you. Go in peace with God.

Separated from my wife of 21 years in Jan 2010, divorce final Aug 2010, filed for declaration of nullity in Aug 2011, declaration granted in ~Oct 2011.

Very sorry for what you are going through, death of a parent or spouse is far easier emotionally than a divorce. You didn’t say whether there are kids involved.

Need to say it-- if your wife is the one who wanted the divorce, than she’s the one who should have moved, not you. I know, we do what we think is best at the time, we think the separation might help, we think that by being cooperative and understanding they may see the light and change their mind. But really, she should have been the one to leave in fairness to you. She wants it, she should be the one making the big disruptions in her life, not you. The kids and I helped move their mother into her new place for the ‘separation’.

Anyway, yes there is life in the Catholic Church after divorce. My church pastor and community were very supportive. I teach CCD and continued teaching, the religious ed director had no problem with me continuing to teach as long as I was living the faith.

I would recommend you go through the annulment process if you do end up divorced. It is better, IMHO, to know your options up front before even starting to allow yourself to get interested in someone. That thought – well, maybe I can get a declaration of nullity-- leading you into something you end up finding out isn’t possible. After getting your hopes up, and involving someone else and their emotions. You do need time to contemplate, to understand what happened in your marriage, what part of it was you, what you hadn’t seen or been aware of, get to know, like, and be comfortable with yourself as a single person before getting involved again.

I found the process very helpful. Reading the witness statements and decisions was very helpful to me in providing understanding and come to grips/deal with what had occurred. Everyone in the church was very supportive and helpful in this process.

If you are like me, you were committed to your marriage as a sacrament. To keep your vows, try and remember that those vows were to your God as well as your wife. That thought kept me out of trouble-- If God can’t trust me to keep my word, why would anyone else?

I felt very called to marriage as a vocation, tore a big part out of me when that vocation was taken away. I still feel called to it, maybe someday. However, I have one adult and two minor kids still living with me, my ex (both legally and sacramentally) routinely visits the kids in my home. That means not much time and a very awkward situation to drag somebody into.

But I think allowing some time to pass is critical. You need that hole to get filled by healing vice trying to throw somebody into it. If there is a second time around for you, you’ll need to go into it as you did the first. As a whole complete person who wants to unite with another, not as a person with a hole that they want to throw someone else into so as to feel complete.

God will help you through this, keep praying.

Separated from my wife of 21 years in Jan 2010, divorce final Aug 2010, filed for declaration of nullity in Aug 2011, declaration granted in ~Oct 2011.

Very sorry for what you are going through, death of a parent or spouse is far easier emotionally than a divorce. You didn’t say whether there are kids involved.

Need to say it-- if your wife is the one who wanted the divorce, than she’s the one who should have moved, not you. I know, we do what we thing is best at the time, we think the separation might help, we think that by being cooperative and understanding they may see the light and change their mind. But really, she should have been the one to leave in fairness to you. She wants it, she should be the one making the big disruptions in her life, not you. The kids and I helped move their mother into her new place for the ‘separation’.

Anyway, yes there is life in the Catholic Church after divorce. My church pastor and community were very supportive. I teach CCD and continued teaching, the religious ed director had no problem with me continuing to teach as long as I was living the faith.

I would recommend you go through the annulment process if you do end up divorced. It is better, IMHO, to know your options up front before even starting to allow yourself to get interested in someone. That thought – well, maybe I can get a declaration of nullity-- leading you into something you end up finding out isn’t possible. After getting your hopes up, and involving someone else and their emotions. You do need time to contemplate, to understand what happened in your marriage, what part of it was you, what you hadn’t seen or been aware of, get to know, like, and be comfortable with yourself as a single person before getting involved again.

I found the process very helpful. Reading the witness statements and decisions was very helpful to me in providing understanding and come to grips/deal with what had occurred. Everyone in the church was very supportive and helpful in this process.

I pray that the Lord will give you the strength to bear the Cross of loneliness and rejection.

Bless your heart. I will pray for you.

It seems I have just posted your reply right back, forgive my ignorance, I am not very computer savvy. I may not have it right yet.

I am very much interested to know about the annulment process you went through. I was under the assumption that there was no way that could happen. We were married in the Church, both are Catholic, we have 2 children, so I don’t see how the marriage could be annulled. I have read the catechism on the subject and did not think the marriage fell into any of the categories stated. I don’t know how a marriage of that length could qualify and I am intrigued to hear that yours did. I don’t know if I should get my hopes up or not.

It seems that my marriage is destined for divorce no matter what I do. I have been to confession since the separation but at that time I still had hopes of reconciliation.

I have no intentions of looking for a new relationship any time soon. I just can’t see spending the rest of my life alone. I am not trying to fill a void or anything like that.

I will talk to a priest about all this, but if you don’t mind I would like to hear more about the process from you, or anyone else in a similar situation for that matter, since you have been through it. I don’t want to get to personal or ask you to share anything you are uncomfortable with but I am interested.

Perhaps this link can help you a bit.

Although, not a sure thing, you should not just right annulment off. It is something that can and should be examined by the church.

stmarys-waco.org/documents/Grounds%20for%20Marriage%20Annulment%20in%20the%20Catholic%20Church.pdf

I’m going through the same thing right now. It’s hell. My wife also left the church. Said she loved me, but wasn’t in love with me anymore. Thankfully since I supported getting her a good job, I won’t have to pay any spousal support. Married 24 years almost to the day. She carried on with a man who’s on his third marriage. Probably still carrying on now. Take care of yourself and your kids as best as you can. The truth is you may very well come out of this better off. Don’t help her with anything. Make her realize that life without you is not going to be easy. I’m sure you did everything you could. Sometimes its just not enough for some people. She probably thinks she’ll be happy without you. She won’t. You might feel that you’re alone. You’re not. It’s an epedemic in this country. Most divorces are initiated by women. I’ve have some dark moments, but everything is going to be alright. You’ll see.

I’ll PM you, you may want to joint the Annulment and Divorce group forum. There is a canon Lawyer who posts there who can answer questions on the process.

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