Facing Infidelity


#1

I discovered my wife was having an affair with a married man.* I felt the other man’s wife had a right to know too.* Long complicated story short, I made sure she found out and confronted my wife the same day.

I wanted to talk to the other man’s wife to find out if we’d been getting the truth about the affair.* She was reluctant, but we did speak briefly on the phone about what our spouses had told us the previous night.* I let her know I had some emails of their correspondence if she wanted. She responded the next day that she didn’t want it at that point because the details would make it worse on her.* I understood that.* But I wanted to know everything and could handle it.* She thanked me for telling her and said we could continue to pray for one another and talk if needed.* About a week later, we stopped communicating over a misunderstanding.* No ill will on my part.* I realize* emotions are running high and we’re both in shock. During our last email conversation she stated he told her he had deleted his account with my wife a long time ago which is not true.* I have now seen emails and text from him that were sent to my wife just two days before I busted them; ironically, they broke up then.* However, I wished her well and said goodbye.

Since then I have read the email account (over 5000 msgs) my wife gave me to prove her side of the story.* It shows information contradictory to what her husband told her.* He told his wife this was his only affair and he never loved my wife.His emails reveal he has been cheating on her since the beginning of their relationship before they married. He said he knew she didn’t have what he needed sexually but everything else about her was good to live with and he could get sexual needs met elsewhere. Also, he said even if his wife did give him more, he would always need extra because it’s who he is and gets bored.* He has had at least four steady affair partners and admits to getting some strange when he or his wife go out of town.* He was also clearly in love with my wife.* Not only by his profession to her, but they did things and communicated daily sharing stuff from their personal lives you don’t do if you’re simply hooking up.*

My wife and I have cried many all night tears and prayers.* We made peace in decisions regarding our marriage but here’s my dilemma…
Do I tell the other man’s wife the new information I am almost certain he’s lied about?* I know it would make a huge difference in the way I approached the future of my marriage if I knew I had been cheated the entire time vs a one time thing.* Especially if I was trying to conceive my first child as they are.* I really don’t want to approach her again.* She seemed determined to let it go and believe her husband like I was the one who betrayed her.* I was also given the impression she’s afraid, fragile in her emotions, rather live in denial and naive.* It’s been nearly a month and a half now.* I don’t want to stir it up again if they have moved on and I don’t want to be seen as* harrassing.* I have always been a calm, mind your own business person.** But these things I feel she doesn’t know keep surfacing in my mind.* Very unusual for me.Perhaps it’s because I still see my wife suffering in the aftermath of the break up and my discovery; he did treat her pretty bad when she ended it. If I had it to do over again, I would have talked to my wife first, put everything we had together in an envelope and mailed it to his wife instead of worrying about being so considerate. But I didn’t know I would be given all the information. I know she doesn’t want and can’t handle “details” of their affair but this is new history information. I am leaning heavily towards not telling her, deleting the information and forgetting it. I believe God takes care of his people but I also believe he uses us to do that.* What do I do?


#2

This is a tough question,

Part of me wants to say move on and let it go…however there are health concerns here. If her husband is hooking up with random strangers then he is putting himself at great risk of contracting an STD, and passing it on to his wife and potential unborn child. On that thought you and your wife should probably both get tested too. If it was me, I’d want to know everything. I think in the interests of health, you need to probably let her know.

Yucky situation anyway you slice it.


#3

I am sorry for what your wife has put you through, and happy that you are making peace with your wife.

However… The other wife told you that she did not want to know the details, and you should respect that. It is not any of your business what happens with their marriage now since it does not concern you. Perhaps she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. Perhaps she knew all along in her heart but prefers her life this way for whatever reason. Whatever it is, it is not your business or concern. They need to figure it out for themselves. I know you might want to “punish” this guy, but it may be that you would only end up hurting his wife more. She doesn’t want to know.

I pray that you and your wife can repair and forgive in your marriage. May God bless you and guide you.


#4

first talk to your priest alone I bet he would have good advice. you need to respect her wished!!! maybe one day she will come to you and want to know more. but if you write her a letter talk to a lawyer first. check out this link maritalhealing.com/conflicts/maritalinfidelity.php this link may help with your marriage. God Bless and I pray for you all


#5

Move on.

She knows he is a cheater. The rest doesn’t change that fact.


#6

She said she doesn't want more details, and I don't think you have the right to try to override her wishes. If she changes her mind later, she knows how to get in touch with you.


#7

communicate with your wife, not the other guy’s wife


#8

[quote="puzzleannie, post:7, topic:254413"]
communicate with your wife, not the other guy's wife

[/quote]

Actually, I think what should happen is that he should communicate with his wife, and they should both get STD tested. There is a severe possibility that the male adulterer in this case is carrying at least one STD.

Then, after getting tested, the adulterous woman should probably be the one to seek out the wife, to apologize and come clean with the whole story, and suggest that the adulterous male and the wronged wife both get STD tested as well. The poor woman could end up with AIDS/HIV if she isn't made aware of the full extent of danger that the husband is putting her in!


#9

[quote="promethius, post:8, topic:254413"]
Actually, I think what should happen is that he should communicate with his wife, and they should both get STD tested. There is a severe possibility that the male adulterer in this case is carrying at least one STD.

Then, after getting tested, the adulterous woman should probably be the one to seek out the wife, to apologize and come clean with the whole story, and suggest that the adulterous male and the wronged wife both get STD tested as well. The poor woman could end up with AIDS/HIV if she isn't made aware of the full extent of danger that the husband is putting her in!

[/quote]

And pass it on to a child they are trying to conceive...bust him out.


#10

She already knows he cheated. What difference does it make if she knows where and when? Or who this man claims to “really” love?

He cheated. She knows. Move on.


#11

[quote="maryjk, post:10, topic:254413"]
She already knows he cheated. What difference does it make if she knows where and when? Or who this man claims to "really" love?

He cheated. She knows. Move on.

[/quote]

what she may not know, according to the OP is the number of times with various partners who are not committed themselves, as well as with strangers while one of the two is out of town.

I'm less concerned with the adulterous husband's professed "love" for one of his adulteresses, and much more concerned by the fact that his ongoing behavior with multiple uncommitted sexual partners is objectively dangerous to himself and his spouse (and, as another has pointed out, to any children they might conceive as well).


#12

[quote="promethius, post:11, topic:254413"]
what she may not know, according to the OP is the number of times with various partners who are not committed themselves, as well as with strangers while one of the two is out of town.

I'm less concerned with the adulterous husband's professed "love" for one of his adulteresses, and much more concerned by the fact that his ongoing behavior with multiple uncommitted sexual partners is objectively dangerous to himself and his spouse (and, as another has pointed out, to any children they might conceive as well).

[/quote]

Of course it is dangerous. Everyone needs to be tested for HIV/AIDS and other STD's. And because of the number of partners this guy has had, the chances of him having something is greater. But, in the long run, it really doesn't matter because regardless everyone needs to be tested.

I don't see the up side of telling her any more than that. It is almost as if the OP wants to share his pain.


#13

She told you she doesn’t want details so let it go. She knows she’s married to a cheater.

Also, YOU and your wife need to be tested for STDs. If this guy has been with four women (that you know of) who knows what he might pass on.

Also, you and your wife need to go to a marriage counselor. No matter how secure you are that you have worked this out, please go.


#14

You and your wife should get a complete STD panel done.

IF you come up with an STD, I would inform the wife. She may be willing to keep her head in the sand regarding her health too.

What an awful situation…


#15

I will guess that the information that you think is new to this woman is not new. She probably already knows or strongly suspects his previous infidelity and chooses to deny. Let it go. She will figure things out eventually.

Some people are not ready to be helped.


#16

Get tested for STD. If it is positive, tell the wife. If not, get on with your life.


#17

The wife may know everything but doesn’t see the good in discussing it with what is essentially a stranger. Unless your families were friends before this, you are no more important to her than a stranger on the street. If her husband has cheated so many times, she probably realizes that your wife was the flavor of the month. It could very well be that she gets regular testing because they both know he isn’t going to stop.

For all we know, they have an “open marriage” and she was playing you by talking to you at all.

Or it could be what she said. Telling her all of the details would make it worse.


#18

“Am I my sister’s keeper?” is the question being asked. Yes, if she is in need. This woman’s physical health and mental well-being are at serious risk. I’m honestly surprised to see so many people be so casual about the threat of STD’s to this woman’s health, fertility and even life.

The infidelity of a spouse is not only emotionally devastating, but the risk of a philandering one, as this man seems to be, puts the danger on a whole 'nuther level. If this couple are trying to concieve, there is nothing preventing this woman from contracting genital herpes (very, very common, and potentially blinding or even deadly to an infant), syphyllis (again, potentially deadly to a preborn baby, and if untreated, will literally eat the brain away before killing the victim), chlamydia (which may rob her of her fertility) and the cervical cancer-causing HPV. And of course, deadly HIV and AIDS.

Even if she doesn’t want to know more details about when contact began, by whom, and the content of texts, she needs to know she, and any baby, are NOT SAFE. Even if you and she are virtually strangers, we are mandated by our Christian faith to care for the misfortunate and vulnerable.

There can be no arguing that this woman is both. The information you have can prevent her illness and death. Whether she chooses to act or not is her choice. Wouldn’t you want the information, to save your own life?


#19

[quote="Jo_Beth, post:18, topic:254413"]
"Am I my sister's keeper?" is the question being asked. Yes, if she is in need. This woman's physical health and mental well-being are at serious risk. I'm honestly surprised to see so many people be so casual about the threat of STD's to this woman's health, fertility and even life.

[/quote]

He cheated. She needs to be tested. What else does she need to know?

The infidelity of a spouse is not only emotionally devastating, but the risk of a philandering one, as this man seems to be, puts the danger on a whole 'nuther level. If this couple are trying to concieve, there is nothing preventing this woman from contracting genital herpes (very, very common, and potentially blinding or even deadly to an infant), syphyllis (again, potentially deadly to a preborn baby, and if untreated, will literally eat the brain away before killing the victim), chlamydia (which may rob her of her fertility) and the cervical cancer-causing HPV. And of course, deadly HIV and AIDS.

Again, her husband cheated. She needs tested. What else does she need to know?

Even if she doesn't want to know more details about when contact began, by whom, and the content of texts, she needs to know she, and any baby, are NOT SAFE. Even if you and she are virtually strangers, we are mandated by our Christian faith to care for the misfortunate and vulnerable.

Do I need to say it again? He cheated, she needs tested. More information isn't going to do anything.

There can be no arguing that this woman is both. The information you have can prevent her illness and death. Whether she chooses to act or not is her choice. Wouldn't you want the information, to save your own life?

She knows he cheated. She knows she should be tested. What possible information can he have that would add to or change that fact?


#20

I would ABSOLUTELY want to know this information. Yes, this woman needs to be tested, but not just once and done. Her husband told your wife that he has every intention to continue to cheat - if they have sexual relations at all, she is at great risk for STDs (plural).

Perhaps she does know, and doesn’t want to face it. Perhaps she is in denial. I would definitely make another contact, give it one more try to get across to her the seriousness of her situation, and then let it go. You can’t force her to destroy her life as she has known it.

I agree with the poster who said for you two to get marriage counseling. Your wife knew this guy was a serial adulterer, carrying on with more than one woman at a time, and she still found that attractive? That’s pretty rough stuff. She needs help, and your trust must have been greatly damaged. Personally, for me, the marriage would be over, but if you can go on, that’s great. Just go to counseling.

I think the idea of having your wife contact her could go either way. She might get even more freaked out and feel harassed, and get angrier at you instead of at her husband. OTOH, perhaps your wife could seem more compassionate.

BTW, you and your wife need testing every 6 mos. for the next two years. Stuff doesn’t always show up right away.


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