This is my first post on a public forum.* I chose this venue for complete objectivity and privacy reasons.* As far as I know, no one knows about this affair except the one who informed me, us four and counselors.* I felt beyond that would be damaging to our recovery. I have seen how well intended friends and family have ruined reconciliations or made recovery miserably prolonged.* Observers spread rumors making it impossible to live in the community.** I did have a brief moment where I didn't want to tell the other wife for fear of public knowledge.* But I became convicted of my "sister's" safety as well.* So I took the risk for what I felt was right.* It wasn't fair to me or the other wife but her husband and my wife knew they were taking a considerable risk and had to know there would be hard decisions and consequences to be faced.* They are by far not children in age.
First, thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and advice. Your replies have helped me reach a decision that was there all along.* I needed the outside view.* I'd like to touch on some of your concerns first:
My relationship with my wife has always been first and foremost thru this (in accordance to and behind my relationship with God). We are receiving good counseling, individually and together. We will continue. Just because we have gotten over the initial blow of this bomb doesn't mean we think we are in the clear. The dust has settled. Lots of work and time ahead to reach full recovery and turn it around for a stronger, new marriage. It is important though in our own troubles to not forget or ignore there are more persons involved and affected. My communications with the other wife were and planned to be minimal. I gave her the need to know info I had at the time for her safety and offered her any more I had to aide in her needs.
My wife has now received her full STD results and they are clear praise God. The other wife said she sent her husband for testing. I do not know the results. I'd like to think she'd inform me if anything came back bad however, I have a feeling she wouldn't.
Someone here mentioned the other couple might have an open marriage. This was one of the first questions I asked the other wife; I have been made aware it's becoming common in this age. She said it is absolutely not an arrangement they have and she never thought she'd be in this position.
Another mention was my wife should tell and apologize. My wife has mentioned several times to me her remorse for this sin against both marriages. She tried to break the affair several times (evident in emails) but it was complicated and her pulled her back in with his heart. As it continued, she discovered this man may not be who he claimed and she became convinced he very well may be lying about his monogamy in the affair. She could be risking not only her emotions and body but all of us and decided it had to end. Although she never met the wife, she said she came to like and love her more than the husband. She said there were many times she felt sorry the wife for being used and at risk as she was. She prayed for forgiveness, strength to end it, and the wife's discovery of his cheating before they made lifelong ties of children. I believe her prayers worked. She knew telling the wife herself could be dangerous or fatal in many respects. The apology wouldn't be welcomed. She said if the wife eventually contacted her, she would listen and attempt an apology. I agree because at this point I would still be tempted to get physical with the other man if he contacted me. The only way I'd accept his presence now was if he were to talk to and apologize to my wife. I know that sounds strange. But again, it's complicated. She has been and still is near death's door over this. I do not imagine either of them thinking of us in this though. I was given a clear impression they are both a bit selfish and do not wish to consider the needs of others involved, including our very innocent children who need us to get thru this asap. Anyway, rambling... getting to the meat of this ....
It was to my understanding that she did not want the DIRTY details.... what they did with each other, pictures, etc. She did want to know how long, if this was his first affair, if he loved her, if she loved him, if it was over, etc. And I told her what I knew at the time. I do have NEW information and evidence he is lying about the answers he gave her. I only mentioned the love and when the affair ended to point out he has not been exactly forthcoming. Not to mention, he told her I wanted us all to meet when I never said that... I never even talked to him nor did my wife.