Facing Infidelity


#21

But she has said that she doesn’t want any more contact from the OP.

Calling her again could be considered harassment. This isn’t about what we would want to know, this would be what she has requested. I am back to the fact that she knows he cheated and she needs to be tested. When she goes in for the testing, the nurse will tell her all she needs to know about retesting.

Since the OP hasn’t come back, even just to read the responses, I wonder if he was a troll.:shrug:


#22

There is a difference between a usually-chaste marriage that experiences an affair, and a spouse who routinely, consistently and indiscriminately goes outside the marriage for sex. For the first, you are tested for a period of time, since as Julianne says, many viruses are not immediately apparent. (HIV for one.) Then you assume you are safe again.

But according to the story as we have it, the husband in this situation has no intention of stopping, or telling his wife (with whom he is having sex to concieve a baby) of the risks he intends to continue to expose her. Deadly risks. That she has no idea she’s taking in perpetuity. This is not a risk he exposed her to in the past, but one she is now and will continue to be exposed. The risk for deadly disease is not over. She is now and will continue to be in danger of life-threatening illness. Do I need to say it again?

It couldn’t be that he has a job or family responsibilities that require his time and attention?


#23

[quote="Jo_Beth, post:22, topic:254413"]
There is a difference between a usually-chaste marriage that experiences an affair, and a spouse who routinely, consistently and indiscriminately goes outside the marriage for sex. For the first, you are tested for a period of time, since as Julianne says, many viruses are not immediately apparent. (HIV for one.) Then you assume you are safe again.

But according to the story as we have it, the husband in this situation has no intention of stopping, or telling his wife (with whom he is having sex to concieve a baby) of the risks he intends to continue to expose her. Deadly risks. That she has no idea she's taking in perpetuity. This is not a risk he exposed her to in the past, but one she is now and will continue to be exposed. The risk for deadly disease is not over. She is now and will continue to be in danger of life-threatening illness. Do I need to say it again?

[/quote]

According to the story we have, the wife doesn't want to hear from the OP again and has told him so. How many times does she have to say to him that she doesn't want to be contacted for him to stop? After a while it will be considered harassment and she will call the cops. And she will be well within her rights.

It couldn't be that he has a job or family responsibilities that require his time and attention?

It takes a minute to check in for responses. He hasn't done that. Just makes me wonder.


#24

It couldn’t be that he has a job or family responsibilities that require his time and attention?

It is that. I appreciate your patience and understanding. I do have many responsibilities and I can only check this on breaks. All of your responses are exactly what my mind has been debating for the past few weeks of my full knowledge of the affair. I value your replies and am now carefully considering them in prayer. I will comment further later.


#25

I’ve been giving this more thought…

Here is something I might consider.

Contact her ONCE. Either via e-mail or phone.

Let her know immediately you do not intend to contact her again… But that since you are not privy to her reality, you feel you must share a portion of info that you rec’d from your wife.

Tell her at first, you were less concerned about all at hand when you thought this was a man that drifted from his wife once, and that your wife has drifted from you once. Adultery aside, you weren’t terribly concerned for your health. Conversations with your wife indicates that she was not his only affair, and now you are quite worried about your own health. And although you suspect this may bring her further pain if she did not know or suspect it, you feel as though you are not telling her something that may affect more than her heart but actually her health, and perhaps that of a child you understand she is trying to have. I would probably add… I’m here neather to judge or council your situation. I have enough issues of my own to deal with. And so I’ll leave you with that for you to decide what to do with. It just seemed like important information.

As others have mentioned. She knows she’s been cheated on. She may know that it’s happened multiple times. I know women however, that have infact decided to believe their lying cheating spouses (outloud anyway), because that’s the only way they can continue with the facade…

In the end, I’d make sure you are not telling her to exact revenge… your healing will take time, and I imagine some of this will weigh heavily on you. I think counceling with your wife is an EXCELLENT idea…


#26

[quote="faithfully, post:25, topic:254413"]
I've been giving this more thought...

Here is something I might consider.

Contact her ONCE. Either via e-mail or phone.

Let her know immediately you do not intend to contact her again... But that since you are not privy to her reality, you feel you must share a portion of info that you rec'd from your wife.

Tell her at first, you were less concerned about all at hand when you thought this was a man that drifted from his wife once, and that your wife has drifted from you once. Adultery aside, you weren't terribly concerned for your health. Conversations with your wife indicates that she was not his only affair, and now you are quite worried about your own health. And although you suspect this may bring her further pain if she did not know or suspect it, you feel as though you are not telling her something that may affect more than her heart but actually her health, and perhaps that of a child you understand she is trying to have. I would probably add... I'm here neather to judge or council your situation. I have enough issues of my own to deal with. And so I'll leave you with that for you to decide what to do with. It just seemed like important information.

As others have mentioned. She knows she's been cheated on. She may know that it's happened multiple times. I know women however, that have infact decided to believe their lying cheating spouses (outloud anyway), because that's the only way they can continue with the facade...

In the end, I'd make sure you are not telling her to exact revenge... your healing will take time, and I imagine some of this will weigh heavily on you. I think counseling with your wife is an EXCELLENT idea...

[/quote]

It is what I recommended. Give her the information one time, and then leave it alone.

:thumbsup:


#27

[quote="livetruth, post:1, topic:254413"]
I I wanted to talk to the other man's wife to find out if we'd been getting the truth about the affair.* She was reluctant, but we did speak briefly on the phone about what our spouses had told us the previous night.* I let her know I had some emails of their correspondence if she wanted. She responded the next day that she didn't want it at that point because the details would make it worse on her.* I understood that.* But I wanted to know everything and could handle it.* She thanked me for telling her and said we could continue to pray for one another and talk if needed.* About a week later, we stopped communicating over a misunderstanding.* No ill will on my part.* I realize* emotions are running high and we're both in shock. During our last email conversation she stated he told her he had deleted his account with my wife a long time ago which is not true.* I have now seen emails and text from him that were sent to my wife just two days before I busted them; ironically, they broke up then.* However, I wished her well and said goodbye.

[/quote]

[quote="faithfully, post:25, topic:254413"]
I've been giving this more thought...

Here is something I might consider.

Contact her ONCE. Either via e-mail or phone.
(snip)

In the end, I'd make sure you are not telling her to exact revenge... your healing will take time, and I imagine some of this will weigh heavily on you. I think counceling with your wife is an EXCELLENT idea...

[/quote]

She has already told him that she doesn't want to know the dirty details. :shrug: She has told him that she doesn't want any more contact. What more does she have to say?

So I still don't get the "call her one more time." What if the OP finds out that his wife and the guy had one more fling after all of this? Should he call her again. The OP would have more information.

Just leave her alone. The OP has already said that the wife seems fragile. Maybe dumping all of this on her will push her right over the edge. He has made it clear that he wants to know all of the details, since he can "handle" it. :rolleyes: But maybe he is right and she can't.


#28

This is my first post on a public forum.* I chose this venue for complete objectivity and privacy reasons.* As far as I know, no one knows about this affair except the one who informed me, us four and counselors.* I felt beyond that would be damaging to our recovery. I have seen how well intended friends and family have ruined reconciliations or made recovery miserably prolonged.* Observers spread rumors making it impossible to live in the community.** I did have a brief moment where I didn't want to tell the other wife for fear of public knowledge.* But I became convicted of my "sister's" safety as well.* So I took the risk for what I felt was right.* It wasn't fair to me or the other wife but her husband and my wife knew they were taking a considerable risk and had to know there would be hard decisions and consequences to be faced.* They are by far not children in age.

First, thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and advice. Your replies have helped me reach a decision that was there all along.* I needed the outside view.* I'd like to touch on some of your concerns first:

My relationship with my wife has always been first and foremost thru this (in accordance to and behind my relationship with God). We are receiving good counseling, individually and together. We will continue. Just because we have gotten over the initial blow of this bomb doesn't mean we think we are in the clear. The dust has settled. Lots of work and time ahead to reach full recovery and turn it around for a stronger, new marriage. It is important though in our own troubles to not forget or ignore there are more persons involved and affected. My communications with the other wife were and planned to be minimal. I gave her the need to know info I had at the time for her safety and offered her any more I had to aide in her needs.

My wife has now received her full STD results and they are clear praise God. The other wife said she sent her husband for testing. I do not know the results. I'd like to think she'd inform me if anything came back bad however, I have a feeling she wouldn't.

Someone here mentioned the other couple might have an open marriage. This was one of the first questions I asked the other wife; I have been made aware it's becoming common in this age. She said it is absolutely not an arrangement they have and she never thought she'd be in this position.

Another mention was my wife should tell and apologize. My wife has mentioned several times to me her remorse for this sin against both marriages. She tried to break the affair several times (evident in emails) but it was complicated and her pulled her back in with his heart. As it continued, she discovered this man may not be who he claimed and she became convinced he very well may be lying about his monogamy in the affair. She could be risking not only her emotions and body but all of us and decided it had to end. Although she never met the wife, she said she came to like and love her more than the husband. She said there were many times she felt sorry the wife for being used and at risk as she was. She prayed for forgiveness, strength to end it, and the wife's discovery of his cheating before they made lifelong ties of children. I believe her prayers worked. She knew telling the wife herself could be dangerous or fatal in many respects. The apology wouldn't be welcomed. She said if the wife eventually contacted her, she would listen and attempt an apology. I agree because at this point I would still be tempted to get physical with the other man if he contacted me. The only way I'd accept his presence now was if he were to talk to and apologize to my wife. I know that sounds strange. But again, it's complicated. She has been and still is near death's door over this. I do not imagine either of them thinking of us in this though. I was given a clear impression they are both a bit selfish and do not wish to consider the needs of others involved, including our very innocent children who need us to get thru this asap. Anyway, rambling... getting to the meat of this ....

It was to my understanding that she did not want the DIRTY details.... what they did with each other, pictures, etc. She did want to know how long, if this was his first affair, if he loved her, if she loved him, if it was over, etc. And I told her what I knew at the time. I do have NEW information and evidence he is lying about the answers he gave her. I only mentioned the love and when the affair ended to point out he has not been exactly forthcoming. Not to mention, he told her I wanted us all to meet when I never said that... I never even talked to him nor did my wife.

............. continued


#29

I have concluded she does want and deserves the truth for her total well being and decision making. However, it will not come from me contacting her again.

I believe it would be a risk to my family to contact her. I have already went out of my way and comfort zone to help. If she came to me I would most definately not turn her away. If she decides she needs to find me I hope she can. I didn’t know her or what her reaction would be, so I made another email to communicate and used a different phone. Both of them are disconnected now. She knows the name I go by but I doubt she can find me using it. I am a hard man to locate unless you know my family or friends. I also hope and pray if she ever decides she needs more answers she won’t be fearful to contact me. She doesn’t know me at all except our brief contact. I’m afraid I may have scared her during some of my pain dealing with this. And I’m willing to bet her husband has used this to his advantage. I may have gotten the wrong impression of her too. I was not going to end communication though. I knew there was always a possibility we could discover new things as this unfolds. For instance, STD results. Nonetheless, she wanted it that way and I granted it. At the time, I was not sorry. I felt they were both completely selfish only contacting when they needed something and not understanding the consequences of this could have been much worse. We were all fortunate in some ways. I feel as my wife did now… very sorry for her being completely in the dark.

Now I say I shall have peace with this decision. I will pray for us all. I ask his will be done for all 4 of us and not let any mistakes I made or may be making get in the way of whatever anyone needs. God knows what’s going on in both marriages. He understands our human errors and limits. He can turn any wrong done into good for our benefit and his glory if we seek it and are open to it. At least I can say I know the other wife is Christian as well and says she has sought council from her preist. Please pray for all to receive healing and wisdom. Say an extra prayer for my wife. She seems to be struggling hard with all aspects. I fear a long healing process for her and possibly no complete recovery without a miracle. She is in the faith but all the losses in this has damaged her. I haven’t ever seen her so completely devastated.

Thank you all again. You will be in my prayers with gratitude.


#30

[quote="faithfully, post:25, topic:254413"]
I've been giving this more thought...

Here is something I might consider.

Contact her ONCE. Either via e-mail or phone.

Let her know immediately you do not intend to contact her again... But that since you are not privy to her reality, you feel you must share a portion of info that you rec'd from your wife.

Tell her at first, you were less concerned about all at hand when you thought this was a man that drifted from his wife once, and that your wife has drifted from you once. Adultery aside, you weren't terribly concerned for your health. Conversations with your wife indicates that she was not his only affair, and now you are quite worried about your own health. And although you suspect this may bring her further pain if she did not know or suspect it, you feel as though you are not telling her something that may affect more than her heart but actually her health, and perhaps that of a child you understand she is trying to have. I would probably add... I'm here neather to judge or council your situation. I have enough issues of my own to deal with. And so I'll leave you with that for you to decide what to do with. It just seemed like important information.

As others have mentioned. She knows she's been cheated on. She may know that it's happened multiple times. I know women however, that have infact decided to believe their lying cheating spouses (outloud anyway), because that's the only way they can continue with the facade...

In the end, I'd make sure you are not telling her to exact revenge... your healing will take time, and I imagine some of this will weigh heavily on you. I think counceling with your wife is an EXCELLENT idea...

[/quote]

I meant to thank you for this extra thought. If I was going to contact, I had considered it nearly like this... you phrased it better though. You words reflected my feelings exactly. And I would hope there would be no revengeful feelings left in my heart. I had help from a friend and my inner strength controlling that initially. It was tough!


#31

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