So I’ve been divorced for about a month now. It is one of the most painful things I have ever done. Divorce isn’t meant to happen. I am Catholic who is familiar with Catholic teaching and believes it. I’ve even taught many of these beliefs at CCD last year(along with my -ex ironically). It is a process that doesn’t feel like it has any resolution. Anyone who celebrates a divorce is demented.
I know its early in the recovery process but I still don’t feel like its getting better. On one hand, I know that I will eventually get through this. On the other hand, I can’t escape the feeling that I failed at my vocation of marriage. I’m not suicidal or anything but I just feel like I am lacking a certain purpose on this earth without my marriage. My successful career and healthy finances are acheived goals that now feel so empty. I know I made mistakes in my marriage (mainly due to lust, immaturity and stress of my job) but yet I can’t help but know that I would’ve never given up on my marriage. It pains me to see friends having kids. I’m happy for them but so sad that I didn’t get that opportunity. I look back on my relationship and am regretful too because I still have so much love left to give. I wish my ex could’ve seen that. I just don’t understand why she gave up with no explaination. Not even the courtesy of saying “its over” to me. Instead, it came through a lawyer.
Right now I’m debating whether to start the process of an annulment. I know that I have many valid reasons to get one (ex left me after I found out she was posting online for lesbian affairs. She freaked, acted physically abusive (while drunk) when I confronted her and then falsely accused me of abuse to my boss once I filed a police report for her behavior. I later found out that she was also going to bars as well as spending extended time on the phone with unknown guys and girls, possibly other affairs). But I also just don’t feel right doing it. I stood with her just a couple of years ago in what seemed like a very valid Catholic mass. I said my vows to her and meant them. She seemed to do the same and even cried through them. I really just think that she became mentally sick (see my earlier posts). Maybe I am in denial but I don’t feel that the person I saw late last year was my real wife. The girl I knew was beautiful, compassionate, witty and fun to be around. I wish so much that I could try to put things back in place. I still feel like I still spiritually stand by her through prayers even if I can’t contact her (her lawyer threatened a restraining order through my lawyer if I contact her).
In the end, a part of me knows that I have to move on. But I feel that even looking at another girl is still wrong. The thought of getting an annulment and being with another girl kind of makes me sick. I know that I will always have my ex on my mind. Part of me feels it won’t be fair to anyone else even if I do get an annulment. Afterall, the girl I married is still my wife. The one I chose to defend and love until the day that I die. The question I have is this…when do I quit? When do I give up on my marriage? Has anyone else felt this way before? Any Catholic advice is advised.