Okay, this may belong in the Philosophy Forum, but not sure.
Preface: I typically write my thoughts like one would splatter paint onto a canvas wildly, so I am opening myself up to possible misinterpretations that may need to be clarified later as I see the glaring errors and/or omissions in the clarity (or lack thereof) my statements. So here goes…
I have referred to my increase of growth in my spiritually journey here in these forums before. So to summarize, over the past two years, I have grown immensely, to the point where I go to confession almost every Sunday, among so many other wonderful things that are offered to me as a Catholic. I’m learning the Catholic faith everyday, praying more, doing as much as I can with the help of the Holy Spirit to become the soul God intended.
As I’ve finally confessed all of my previous sins, began a better relationship with Jesus, and searched my soul for ways I can serve Him, I’ve discovered that most of life I have been “unworthy” of grace because of the free will of my actions. I choose “other”. I want to make up and atone and repent for those things. I have (through the sacraments, but at the same time, I feel like I need to live long so I can prove to God I will do good works, charity, etc. I know we cannot earn our way into Heaven, but I also feel pulled through my own human mind’s failings, that I should be allowed to show and demonstrate to God that I will make up for all the horrible things I’ve done in the past. I have been volunteering my time more at charitable organizations, giving more freely, etc., but I don’t feel like it is enough. I guess my faith is not strong enough to realize that I cannot earn my salvation, even though I believe that if I’ve confessed my sins properly with true repentance, and strive to sin no more, and to lead a life God has chosen for me, that is enough.
I am undergoing a major surgery next week, and with any surgery it has its risks, including death, and so I called Father at church for a special confession, and anointing of the sick. I am truly sorry for all my sins. I spent several days examining my soul and conscience. So why do I feel like I won’t go to Heaven if I die?
What is my problem? What’s wrong with me? !!!