I know some of you may know my situation but in a nutshell, my husband finds intimacy difficult. Doesn’t want to kiss me in any kind of intimate way, or be intimate at all aside from hugs. Which are lovely of course, but leave me feeling as though he sees me as a nanny-cum-housemate.
We talked last night, and he told me he isn’t the same person now. We have had two kids and time has changed things. I have taken this to mean that he doesn’t see me as anything more than the children’s mother. Who he loves, thank God, but that’s it. Now it all makes sense, why he doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me or have any kind of discussion about sex - nevermind actually being intimate.
How do I persuade him to look at me as though I’m the woman he is in love with and has sexual feelings for? I don’t think it is what I look like either. I was this size - 16 UK size - when we married.
Men lose a significant portion of their testerone as they age. It can easily take away a lot of the drive for intimacy. From age 30 it can drop ten percent per decade I think.
The passion that men feel at 20 mostly likely is not the same as what they feel at 30, 40 or 50. It does not mean they don’t love their wives with everything they have to give but simply that it is much more difficult to show it in the ways they used to. I would guess that many men beat themselves up inside too wondering why they cannot be the same as they were with their spouses. They can be ashamed of it.
This may or may not be a factor in your case but I thought I would add the perspective.
This is a difficult situation, one that the Church is very sensitive of. The right to intimacy is an integral part of a Catholic marriage and it goes both ways. In this case it would be opportune for you both to see a priest. It is a serious thing to refuse the marriage right.
Always, always, go to the beads…pray the rosary and get help from your and your husband’s guardian angel. I am sure you have prayed yourself dry…keep doing that.
Next…flirt with the man. Give him something (on his level) to work with. What ever size you are, it doesn’t matter, just flirt knowing that you won’t go any further than that. It isn’t that you are refusing him, just enticing him. (Of course I’m not suggesting anything untoward or too far out of your comfort zone). Take a step back and DON’T look at him with begging eyes (just eyes that may know a secret that he doesn’t). Lighten up on him and yourself. Let him be the big, strong, passionate man he wants to be (but might not know where to start).
Last, get the priestly help you both need. I will pray for you both and you say a prayer for me.
Remember, this advice is worth what you paid for it
It absolutely, 100% is possible. First, turn to God and pray. He gave you your husband and is the creator of the wonder that is marital intimacy. Second, seek outside help. It is a very good idea to talk to a priest, then a Catholic marriage counselor, and possibly a doctor about the situation. Perhaps your husband has an untreated medical issue that causes low libido. Third, love your husband more and more in your words and actions each day. Set aside date nights apart from your kids and take up new activities together. Novelty and adrenaline give the same “love cocktail” in the brain hormonally as falling in love. It is worth a shot. Let him see you simply having fun and enjoying life. Even if the situation does not resolve itself (and I pray for both of your sakes it will, since that is a difficult cross to bear) know that every time he hugs you, it is God’s gift to you that he is by your side, living this life with you. Celebrate the ways he does choose to show his love for you. Many of us live without sex, so embrace the relationship as is it, while always being available to your husband. If you like reading, try “The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur” which is a beautiful testimony of a wife whose husband did not love her perfectly, but whose relationship with God uplifted and redeemed her atheist husband. It may help you to see the blessings in your marriage, and learn to love your husband with greater vulnerability, charity, and abandon. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
personal experience–double down on the testosterone test. for years(i am now in my sixties) I had low libido-the desire wasnt there. the TRT worked and improved things radically. It isnt a matter of loving, its a matter of just not caring if you have sex or not. it is also not a matter of being attractive to your husband, a movie star would not have significantly improved things for me. I still don t feel like a 20 yr old(praise the Lord)
but much improved. I will pray for you.
Nobody falls into love at least not in the way our secular world thinks. Love is not a warm mushy feeling it is a decision to do the things a person who perfectly loves another would do for then consistently, through good times and bad. Love can produce good feelings but they are a consequence and not the source.
In the same way nobody falls out of love, they just decide not to do the things a person who perfectly loves another would do for then consistently, through good times and bad. When people say the magic is gone as if it is some external thing that happens they are fooling themselves. They have made a decision!
many men unfortunately become unnattracted to their spouse if their wife gains a considerable amount of weight. would you consider losing the weight for him? I would do this for my husband for sure. it seems shallow, but it may save your marriage and give you that esteem boost you need.
they actually did a study where they gave men herbal testosterone supplements and it made a huge difference in their outlook on life. They were less depressed and less likely to have a mid-life crisis.
I am in a similar situation, yet I know there is not less love and actually a great deal more. We have had to re-define intimacy to keep a state of intimacy. Also, we have to actually plan times for physical intimacy. It is not very romantic, but it keeps us strong.
True, I have had my mid-life crisis. On the bright side, it only involved Legos.
Yup. It typically lasts anything from six months to two years and can be had again with the same person, there’s no bar on repetition. At least this is what I gather from what I’ve read on the subject.
I’m sorry to hear about that. Changes of heart in a love interest are in no way pleasant.
We talked last night, and he told me he isn’t the same person now. We have had two kids and time has changed things. I have taken this to mean that he doesn’t see me as anything more than the children’s mother.
Be careful, that may be a bit of an emotional exaggeration rather than a logical conclusion. It’s possible, of course, but then there are more explanations out there!
Who he loves, thank God, but that’s it. Now it all makes sense, why he doesn’t want to kiss me, touch me or have any kind of discussion about sex - nevermind actually being intimate.
Again, conclusions are like houses. If you build the ground floor on sand, the beautiful roof will come down crumbling too. Same way, if we take a vague hint, make a guess out of it, then all our work interpreting and rationalising things can go to waste (because of that weak link in the beginning). So don’t presume anything, talk it out with him until you can be quire sure.
You’ll need to avoid an accusatory tone, or rather what he could read as such. By the way, what some psychologists, counsellors, trainers, negotiators and others refer to as “me language” as opposed to “you language” (“I feel (…)” instead of, “you make me (…)”), is overrated when it comes to talking to men. Basically, men can feel accused when they are confronted with a woman’s emotions that are in some connection with them and make the woman suffer and be dissatisfied with the relationship. Then the men feel defenceless when the argument can’t be reduced to 1 thing and argued with, a bit as if they were defending themselves in court. If you’ve ever seen a man act as though he were on trial when a woman important to him was crying, for example, then you know what I’m talking about. If you can make it so that he doesn’t have (too much of) a pressure of guilt pounding on him and so that he doesn’t feel that what he says can be used against him (which is another silencer of men), then I think he might open up, tell you about his problem, try to look for a solution.
Thank you all for your wise and prayerful insights. I can certainly do my bit, and pray and pray.
My husband has actually been very kind and sweet this evening. He suggested we have a bath together but made me promise I wouldn’t try anything. It is slightly insulting. But I must be thankful for the small things. He is an excellent father, works very hard and aside from the intimacy, he’s a fantastic person. Incidentally, to those who aske about age, he is in his late 20s and has had the all clear hormone-wise from his doctor.
While a size 16 might not be huge, I want to be healthier, I know being overweight is not a good thing and I need to be healthy for my kids, DH and myself.