Falling out with friend


#1

hey guys,

I fear I will probably get flamed for this, but I will try posting it anyway. I just want people to try to put themselves in my shoes a little. I would like your advice. thanks in advance.

I had a really close friend. we used to talk nearly every day, and our main topic of discussion was Catholicism. on top of that, every sunday he would come to my house, and sometimes our female friend would also join in. this friendship went on for many years. it's different than most friendships between guys. we were really close friends. in fact, he said he would consider me to be his best man at his wedding, along with his other friend.

he moved away to do his medical degree to become a doctor, where he also happened to know a girl. he would eventually marry this girl. before he left, and after he had gone, I brought up some issues with him, where I really felt hurt by his behavior toward me. To be honest, that's not the issue anymore, and it's not something I think about much. but basically it revolves around how he would treat me on some occasions. I know, some people are probably thinking ok, is he talking about a guy or his girlfriend. but please bear with me.

we went to the eucharistic congress together with a group. when it was just me and him, we were great friends, got along well. but as soon as anyone else came along, he acted like he wasn't my friend. I would say something and he would either ignore me or act annoyed that I said something. he would have 10-15 minute conversations with his friends without introducing me. but it wasn't just when we were away. he only seemed to be my friend when no one else was around.

also, his gf came to visit for about 10 days at one point. I knew he would want to spend most of his time with her, obviously! but prior to her arrival, he kept saying that we should all do stuff together. he made specific ideas, etc. he would even call me while she was there say on a friday and suggest we do a particular activity on saturday like go to lunch, etc. but each and every time, at the last minute, he would call and cancel. it seemed strange. I wouldn't mind if he just said he was spending all that time with her alone. but he kept building up anticipation, but then canceling.

there's probably a significant portion of people reading this who think I am acting like a needy girlfriend or something, but truly I am not trying to portray that. I just want to demonstrate how he was my best friend until someone, anyone else came by, at which point he acted like he didn't know me. as another example, we were on a pro-life walk, talking about things. he saw someone he knew, a man about 20-30 years his senior. he introduced himself, but the man was unfamiliar with him. after explaining, he started a conversation which lasted the entire walk. most people might talk for a few minutes, but he forgot about me completely.

anyway, there is more to this that what I've written. those things happen. I understand that. my issue I guess is how he responded when I brought this up to him. I indicated how I felt, and gave him some examples. rather than in any way trying to understand how I felt, he simply dismissed it. he said I was wrong and that none of what I said was true.

but even more than that, I was saddened at how easily he could just toss aside our friendship. we were probably best friends for several years. talked most days and shared our faith. but when I brought this up, he denied it all. I was upset about this, so I basically told him it's too bad he doesn't understand, and didn't talk much after that. but he hasn't reached out on his own at all since them. this happened probably a year and a half ago.

he doesn't at all seemed bothered that we are no longer friends. to be honest, it happened so long ago now, that I really don't think about it much. but about a week ago, I sent him an email, just basically said "hey" and that's it.

maybe I'm overreacting here. he is extremely obedient to the Church's rules. he was even in the seminary for some time. but it just seems like he thinks he covered all his bases and there's nothing left to be said. he just doesn't seem to care at all.

to be honest, after all this happened, I guess I just didn't care much anymore. he has never expressed any emotion whatsoever or concern. but if I email him, he will just respond to whatever I say in a similar fashion. If I ask how he's doing, he will say I am doing quite good, thanks for asking, how about you?

anyway, I know this might sound ridiculous, but I just wanted to see what people thought.

also, I know this was long, but there's probably stuff I missed.


#2

Sorry, but what was the question? Can you be more concise?


#3

Some of my friends are close for a few days, weeks, or years, and one or two look like they will last a lifetime.


#4

some people are just socially clueless and won’t get that that what they’re doing is weird and/or obnoxious, even if it’s pointed out to them. or maybe they get it but they’re embarrassed so they deny it. it seems like he’s one of those people that thrives on attention, especially from new people. no one wants to think people are aware of what they’re doing and refuse to change, but that happens all the time.

you have the ability to choose how you feel and how you react to those feelings, but that doesn’t mean you should put up with someone who clearly is not compatible with you. regardless of his reasons, and regardless of how charitable you can make yourself be, you shouldn’t have to put up with someone constantly canceling plans and just generally being inconsiderate.

personally, I would cut the friendship off. people change, and while it’s most obvious when it’s them, maybe this time it was you, by becoming aware of your unequal relationship and making the choice to bring it up with him. I used to take changing friendships a lot harder than I do now, like I was the one who failed, but I finally realized that there’s only so much one person can do. you can’t make someone change their behavior. and I really, really, really can’t stand small talk. when people in my email contacts or facebook friends become nothing more than people to make small talk with (hey, what’s new? oh, nothing, you? yeah, same here) that’s it for me. they’re not really a friend if you can’t actually talk to them, you know? if you’re not comfortable cutting him out completely, don’t worry about it. the important thing is that you realize and accept that the relationship won’t be what you want it to be, and therefore you need to place less importance on it.


#5

[quote="phil8888, post:1, topic:233269"]
hey guys,

I fear I will probably get flamed for this, but I will try posting it anyway. I just want people to try to put themselves in my shoes a little. I would like your advice. thanks in advance.

I had a really close friend. we used to talk nearly every day, and our main topic of discussion was Catholicism. on top of that, every sunday he would come to my house, and sometimes our female friend would also join in. this friendship went on for many years. it's different than most friendships between guys. we were really close friends. in fact, he said he would consider me to be his best man at his wedding, along with his other friend.

he moved away to do his medical degree to become a doctor, where he also happened to know a girl. he would eventually marry this girl. before he left, and after he had gone, I brought up some issues with him, where I really felt hurt by his behavior toward me. To be honest, that's not the issue anymore, and it's not something I think about much. but basically it revolves around how he would treat me on some occasions. I know, some people are probably thinking ok, is he talking about a guy or his girlfriend. but please bear with me.

we went to the eucharistic congress together with a group. when it was just me and him, we were great friends, got along well. but as soon as anyone else came along, he acted like he wasn't my friend. I would say something and he would either ignore me or act annoyed that I said something. he would have 10-15 minute conversations with his friends without introducing me. but it wasn't just when we were away. he only seemed to be my friend when no one else was around.

also, his gf came to visit for about 10 days at one point. I knew he would want to spend most of his time with her, obviously! but prior to her arrival, he kept saying that we should all do stuff together. he made specific ideas, etc. he would even call me while she was there say on a friday and suggest we do a particular activity on saturday like go to lunch, etc. but each and every time, at the last minute, he would call and cancel. it seemed strange. I wouldn't mind if he just said he was spending all that time with her alone. but he kept building up anticipation, but then canceling.

there's probably a significant portion of people reading this who think I am acting like a needy girlfriend or something, but truly I am not trying to portray that. I just want to demonstrate how he was my best friend until someone, anyone else came by, at which point he acted like he didn't know me. as another example, we were on a pro-life walk, talking about things. he saw someone he knew, a man about 20-30 years his senior. he introduced himself, but the man was unfamiliar with him. after explaining, he started a conversation which lasted the entire walk. most people might talk for a few minutes, but he forgot about me completely.

anyway, there is more to this that what I've written. those things happen. I understand that. my issue I guess is how he responded when I brought this up to him. I indicated how I felt, and gave him some examples. rather than in any way trying to understand how I felt, he simply dismissed it. he said I was wrong and that none of what I said was true.

but even more than that, I was saddened at how easily he could just toss aside our friendship. we were probably best friends for several years. talked most days and shared our faith. but when I brought this up, he denied it all. I was upset about this, so I basically told him it's too bad he doesn't understand, and didn't talk much after that. but he hasn't reached out on his own at all since them. this happened probably a year and a half ago.

he doesn't at all seemed bothered that we are no longer friends. to be honest, it happened so long ago now, that I really don't think about it much. but about a week ago, I sent him an email, just basically said "hey" and that's it.

maybe I'm overreacting here. he is extremely obedient to the Church's rules. he was even in the seminary for some time. but it just seems like he thinks he covered all his bases and there's nothing left to be said. he just doesn't seem to care at all.

to be honest, after all this happened, I guess I just didn't care much anymore. he has never expressed any emotion whatsoever or concern. but if I email him, he will just respond to whatever I say in a similar fashion. If I ask how he's doing, he will say I am doing quite good, thanks for asking, how about you?

anyway, I know this might sound ridiculous, but I just wanted to see what people thought.

also, I know this was long, but there's probably stuff I missed.

[/quote]

Looks to me like this friendship was made for a season.....

youtube.com/watch?v=SBI4Bh2z9W8&feature=related


#6

504 Katrin: What a timely thread!

I think my son just got his heart broken by some girl because he is moping around, not eating, depressed, and I have been trying to figure out what to say or even if I should say anything and here is Madea with the answer. I think I'll just show him the you tube video.

OP: Please do watch the video because there are real words of wisdom in it. You tried your best and he turned out to be, well not such a good friend. You deserve to at least be treated kindly by a friend.


#7

[quote="horselvr, post:6, topic:233269"]
504 Katrin: What a timely thread!

I think my son just got his heart broken by some girl because he is moping around, not eating, depressed, and I have been trying to figure out what to say or even if I should say anything and here is Madea with the answer. I think I'll just show him the you tube video.

OP: Please do watch the video because there are real words of wisdom in it. You tried your best and he turned out to be, well not such a good friend. You deserve to at least be treated kindly by a friend.

[/quote]

yeah I thought about a good response, then thought it'll be the best to maybe post this vid. I'm glad I could help ya :)


#8

[quote="phil8888, post:1, topic:233269"]
hey guys,

I fear I will probably get flamed for this, but I will try posting it anyway. I just want people to try to put themselves in my shoes a little. I would like your advice. thanks in advance.
.

[/quote]

Whenever someone says this, it's sort of a nice shield, isn't it? You can than say pretty much whatever you want too, and if someone has anything negative to say, you can come back and say, "See? I told you I was going to get flamed! I was right! Ha ha!"

I'm with Sam. What's the point? Can you be a bit more clear?


#9

:thumbsup:


#10

I think that you DO sound a bit like a jelous girlfriend. And this isn't a "flame" it's how I see it from the information you give.

How did YOU act when your friend met others? I know that we're not in colonolial times so most people often forget introductions. If you're all adults of equil age just WHY, pray tell, does he have to "include" you? Why wouldn't you engage them both in conversation?

As far as the calling to cancel when he had his girlfriend. People overbook themselves all the time. And when you have someone you like very much it becomes hard to fill all obligations...or ANY it seems. Thow work into the mix and sometimes it's like the fable of the Donkey and the Boy and the Old Man. NO ONE really wins. Sometimes even with the best intentions things **** out. There are misunderstandings. IT HAPPENS.

I'm sorry. My closest male friend is my mentor, thus I look up to him quite alot. But if I tried to do something like "demonstrate" that he was my best friend he'd give me the world's dirtiest look. Actually, my best female friend would expect better of me, too. ANY of my friends, best or not. There is a difference between being friends and being attached at the hip. Even IF I was going to a conference with my BOYFRIEND, I'd probably wander off on my own.

You seem very, very needy. And perhaps he just had enough. Not everyone can tolerate being that kind of friend for very long.


#11

I like the video… 'cause it’s delivered in a funny style… but here’s the poem I’ve read several times.

Phil… It’s just painful to lose a friend. It happens to all of us. Not just women. I don’t think you sound girly. I remember when what seemed like a great friend to my DH suddenly just didn’t want to hang anymore… It was hard to watch… and he turned out to be very hurtful, sending insane e-mails, that were literally quite cruel… and seemingly for no reason. It happens… In all reality, I can truly count on one hand my LIFETIME friends. Everyone else… well, we’ll see… And so with that…

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime Dedicated to You
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

PRAYER:
May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing that you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of you. God Bless.


#12

Hi Phil

While I can’t offer an explanation for your friends behavior, I can totally empathize.

I, too, had a friend with whom I had a close and loving friendship. She and I talked about many deep and personal issues, relied on each other for support and spent a lot of really great time together. She attended my wedding, I helped her through an abusive relationship and break up.

Then, one day I got a letter that she was moving across the country. I sent her a heartfelt letter expressing my wishes that she have a happy and fulfilling life in her new home. I expressed how much I would miss her and that I hoped we would remain close through letters and phone calls and maybe even visits.

I never ever heard from her. I sent a birthday card, in which I told her I was expecting my first baby… Nada. Last contact…I sent a birth announcement. I never heard from her again. I have been so hurt by this turn of events. I never got any explanation at all. I have no hope of ever understanding what happened. All I know for sure is that it has to do 100% with her and nothing to do with me.

So, I feel for you. It stinks but it’s impossible to know what’s in someone elses heart if they’re not talking. :frowning:


#13

Sorry to hear about your experience. That sort of resonated with me.

Also thanks faithfully for your comments and everyone else. sorry if I’m missing any names here.

I’m watched most of that video with Madea so far.

One part (she) said was that if you tell someone something that bothered you and they refuse to acknowledge it, don’t keep them around.

My main issue is not any of the specifics of what my ex-friend did. If he wants to spend all his time with his gf/wife, more power to him. If he wants to ignore me, no problem. But what I’m talking about is, when I bring it up, he just turns it around on me and says it’s actually my fault, and tries to say he didn’t do that, I did. And I guess also at this point, the main thing is he just doesn’t seem to care one little bit.

See, even if in his mind I’m acting totally crazy, you would think he would at least say you know what I’ve been best friends with Phil for like 7 or 8 years. I don’t agree with what he’s saying but our friendship is important. To me, the most hurtful thing I guess is that he didn’t care one iota. From best friends to nothing.

To be fully honest here, I really don’t think about this much. When I posted this originally, I just happened to remember it, so I brought it up. I probably only thought about it once every 3-6 months.

I guess I can just sum it up by saying we were best buds, I brought something up, and he has made no effort since then. That’s his 100% decision. I have not sent him any angry emails or become angry like one poster mentioned. I guess I was just wondering what you guys thought of it.

Thanks for your help!


#14

I think sometimes we put people on pedastals then get so crushed when they turn out to be human after all. Cant change other people but you can look into your part in this…were you acting like a needy friend…be honest with yourself. Very rarely is something completly the other persons fault…he might be more wrong than you but look into your part.


#15

and I guess also with my personality, I don't like having enemies or people who don't like me. I remember once in university we were doing a project and my work partner was hardly lifting a finger, and I was telling someone about it (which I shouldn't have done), and he overheard. I felt so terrible. I couldn't bear the thought of encountering him face to face. One of us called each other and I apologized so much. I guess I just don't like having people mad at me... if that makes sense...


#16

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