Falling to sins with gf


#1

Hi everyone,

well, I am here asking for advice when it comes to my girlfriend of over 2 years. Well, we both HATE to sin together, we both really don't want to sin, yet when we're together are walls always fall, and we begin to sin before stopping some time into it.

I care about her, and want to marry her one day. I know a LOT about chastity, but I am finding it very hard to actually live it out... I know it's as simple as just "don't do it" but why is it that I always find myself wanting to do these bad things even though I don't want to.

It reminds me so much of Saint Paul when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and not doing what he wants to do.

These sins have been on and off for a very long time, we have both come to Christ by meeting eachother, she helped me with a lot of things, as well as I help her, but then we just became so comfortable with eachother that we are sinning and careless, even though we try to stop.

Does anyone have any advice?


#2

Go on dates to public places (eg. walking around the mall, dinner and a movie, a picnic in the park) and when the date ends, bring her home. Don't spend time in each other's rooms alone and try to abstain when things start to get hot and heavy. The best thing to do is to make a regular habit of going to confession. By confessing regularly, you keep a good eye on what the state of your soul is and I know that every time I go to confession, it seems like I tend to do a better job of avoiding the sins I committed. (It's a shame that I'm good at finding new ones.) I know you're trying and the only real advice I can give is try harder because you and her are both worth it!


#3

Go back to more traditional dates. Don't be alone with her. Public places, family functions, charity work, church, out with friends, etc. It's easier to not fall into sin when you're not in a place where sin can occur.

How old are you? If you are high school or college age, that is one thing, you'll have to date a while longer. See the above paragraph.

But if you are in your last year of college or are done with school, it's time to get engaged. By now (>2 years together) you've been together long enough to know if she is "the one" or not. You've seen her in different seasons, different places, seen her looking at her best and on days where she didn't look or feel her best, etc. It's time to do some reflecting, both together and separately, and make a decision. If she is "the one," it's time to start planning a wedding. If she's not, it's time to move on and date someone else. Maybe you can stay friends, maybe not. And once you're married, the things you're talking about will no longer be sins. :thumbsup: Dating for too long has higher chances of sin, as well as higher divorce rates. If you don't date long enough, you don't know each other very well and unpleasant surprises will pop up and there is a good chance you won't make last. Right now, 2-3 year range, you're in the perfect range for having a lasting marriage.


#4

Jesus,our Lords peace be with You.
Dear friend,and sorry for my bad english,You do have a problem. I saw some ansvers telling you to date "in public" and that is one way to not anything "bad". I will give You another way,marrie her. If You love her,and she sure loves You,get married. Love has its own ways,and all we can do is to follow and hope not to do something stupid. Sometimes we need to say "no" to love,but in this case,she is not married,neither a You (I hope) so get married,why wait? True love comes around pretty seldom so be happy You have been blessed with it.


#5

When I was in college, my college had a rule that persons of the opposite sex were only allowed in your dorm room if the door was open at least 45 degrees. There was also an 'all feet on the floor' rule. Those two rules alone were a great help to me in avoiding sin in college. So much of this is about opportunity, and my college had a good sense of this when it tried to reduce the opportunities for students to fall into sexual sin.

All of which is a long way of saying, I agree with the previous posts... Spend more time in public. Parks, coffee shops, church events, family events, group activities with friends, etc. Reducing your opportunities to fall into sin will help both of you, IMO.

I also agree with PP that 2 years is usually long enough to determine whether she is the woman you should marry (provided you are at least in college)... Why wait?


#6

Self-control you may know alot about chastity but throwing it out the window -well? Start practicing what you know, it'll only get worse. Say you do get married and niether of you can obstain from what you want when you want? Big trouble often starts with uncontroled desire and in if the relationship doesnt last youve both have given what belongs to someone else that which cannot be taken back as well as the possibility of life. Bottom line its easier said than done, Prayers to you both:o


#7

[quote="iloveyouJesus3, post:1, topic:218670"]
Hi everyone,

well, I am here asking for advice when it comes to my girlfriend of over 2 years. Well, we both HATE to sin together, we both really don't want to sin, yet when we're together are walls always fall, and we begin to sin before stopping some time into it.

I care about her, and want to marry her one day. I know a LOT about chastity, but I am finding it very hard to actually live it out... I know it's as simple as just "don't do it" but why is it that I always find myself wanting to do these bad things even though I don't want to.

It reminds me so much of Saint Paul when he talks about doing what he doesn't want to do, and not doing what he wants to do.

These sins have been on and off for a very long time, we have both come to Christ by meeting eachother, she helped me with a lot of things, as well as I help her, but then we just became so comfortable with eachother that we are sinning and careless, even though we try to stop.

Does anyone have any advice?

[/quote]

Satan just LOVES that kind of situation. He tempts you to commit sin and GLOATS when you do sin because you have fallen again and will then feel bad until you do it again.

Flee from sexual immorality! Either stay out of private areas, and both of you make a commitment to helping the other one stay pure, just as you both help one another fall into temptation. It will take a lot of effort now that you have repeatedly failed. Or, as several have already said, go ahead and get married. IF you have discerned that you are not suitable as spouses, why are you still torturing yourselves? If you have discerned that she is suitable and God has sent her to you, then get married! You don't say if you've had intercourse but if you have, you have now united with her in a way only spouses should bond and your bodies and minds are joined as if you already were married. it just happens.

People didn't used to torture themselves as much in past times...they didn't go through 10 years or more of having to keep their desires in check...they just got married at age 18 or so! (Some even earlier!)


#8

Hi guys, okay, well Thank you ALL so much for all of your responses...

Now what I'd like to say, we have not had intercourse and both 100% know that is only for marriage, it is the foreplay things that we have been struggling with.

As for marriage, unfortunately, I am in college(3d year) but want to attend graduate school, so that is still a long time from now before i graduate and we can actually get married.

However, I do plan on getting "promised" and "engaged' in the early stages of grad school.

With that being said, I think its very possible that we both stop committing these sins, especially for her. She definitely has more strength in purity than I, and I believe that its much easier for her to bring us back to purity.

We met through chastity, we both had problems in the past, and with my knowledge of chastity, I was able to give to her, we both really grew close, and started a very chaste and loving relationship. I feel like every aspect of our relationship is meant to be except for our issue with these sins.

And yes, i 100% believe it is partly due to the privacy that we give ourselves(in the car 90% of the time)

So I promise to myself, and everyone on this thread, as I just promised her, I will never again spend empty time with her in the car or private places like that.

Thank you guys for all of your support...


#9

Praise God that you have kept yourself pure from intercourse.

I wonder if it would help to carry a picture of Jesus in the car with you. Maybe put a picture of the Sacred Heart somewhere you can see it? I find that if I recognize that Jesus IS there in the car with me, it helps me not to be profane when someone cuts me off in traffic, and it may help you not to be tempted to think you two are alone when in the car.

Remember the purpose of foreplay is the marital act of intercourse. It was not given to us by God just for our own pleasure, nor is it to be indulged in without the purpose of the entire act of creating new life.


#10

[quote="iloveyouJesus3, post:8, topic:218670"]

As for marriage, unfortunately, I am in college(3d year) but want to attend graduate school, so that is still a long time from now before i graduate and we can actually get married.

However, I do plan on getting "promised" and "engaged' in the early stages of grad school.

[/quote]

Can I ask why you can't be married during graduate school? I was engaged during my first year of a three-year professional program, and married over the summer break after first year. I had many, many classmates who were married. Those of us who were married actually seemed to be more efficient studiers than those who were single -- because us married students had to balance our time more effectively so that we could spend time with our spouses after studying. (Also, being married didn't seem to impede our performance. The students with the 3 highest GPAs in my program were all married.)

Again, I'm just curious. I certainly don't want to pressure you to get married if it isn't the right choice at this time, but so often I hear from students that they won't get married until they've finished all their education, including graduate degrees -- which is often at 25 years old or later. I understand waiting until you've finished an undergraduate degree, but graduate school is a totally different animal, IMO.

As for chastity... Praise God that you have kept yourself pure from intercourse. Continue to be aware of being alone in private places, and pray for chastity and self-control. I like the idea of putting a picture or icon in your car -- perhaps that will help you focus on not falling into temptation. And, as TheRealJuliane said, remember that the purpose is foreplay is to lead to intercourse. The farther you go physically, the easier it is to fall into the temptation to "go all the way."


#11

To get married to her in grad school would be a dream come true! I wish I could... but how could I?

I would not have a job, I would not be able to support a family, How would I pay for rent for a house or apartment?

I mean, the only thing I could really think of is living with the parents, but I don't know if that is the best idea, I have heard that living with parents leads to very many problems..

I don't know, I"m trying to look things up about how to get married while in grad school, is it really possible?

I mean, in my culture, weddings aren't small, they consist of 300-500 people and are very costly, how would I pay for it, taking out a loan? And grad school surely will be very expensive, I mean would being in that much debt be bad for the start of a marriage???

Has anyone gotten married while in grad school on here? If so, how did you guys make ends meet?


#12

[quote="iloveyouJesus3, post:11, topic:218670"]
To get married to her in grad school would be a dream come true! I wish I could... but how could I?

I would not have a job, I would not be able to support a family, How would I pay for rent for a house or apartment?

I mean, the only thing I could really think of is living with the parents, but I don't know if that is the best idea, I have heard that living with parents leads to very many problems..

I don't know, I"m trying to look things up about how to get married while in grad school, is it really possible?

I mean, in my culture, weddings aren't small, they consist of 300-500 people and are very costly, how would I pay for it, taking out a loan? And grad school surely will be very expensive, I mean would being in that much debt be bad for the start of a marriage???

Has anyone gotten married while in grad school on here? If so, how did you guys make ends meet?

[/quote]

Well, how do you intend to pay rent while in grad school if you are not married? Are you planning to have a part-time job, a TA/RA position on campus, or use student loans for living expenses? If it is a graduate program that offers teaching or research assistant positions (you don't say what field you intend to study), these positions often are enough to cover living expenses. If the graduate program does not offer these kinds of positions, I'm guessing that the financial aid office there would be able to talk to you about the kind of aid typically offered to grad students there and how students cover living expenses. Would she be in school while you were in grad school? If not, she'd presumably be working, which would help cover your joint living expenses.

While I was in my first year of grad school, I was engaged. I covered my living expenses from federal student loans (I had a scholarship for most of the tuition), but minimized them as best I could by living with a roommate in an affordable apartment, not eating out often, etc. My husband and I got married after my first year, and for the next two years, I was finishing grad school but my husband was working. So, my 75% scholarship plus some small student loans covered tuition, and his salary paid our joint living expenses while I was still in school.

As for weddings... well. I'm also from a background where weddings are traditionally large, expensive affairs. As I said, I got married during a three-year graduate program. The first thing we did was that we cut the guest list. We invited about 110 people to our wedding and had 80 show up. This was bucking tradition, but since we were paying for the wedding ourselves, we invited only the number we could afford. (We told our parents that if they wanted Mr. so-and-so there, they could pay for his dinner. They did not take us up on that offer for any guests, incidentally.) We got married on a Friday evening, so all of our wedding vendors cost about 10 percent less.

In general, we tried to keep our focus on the marriage, rather than the wedding. A wedding is nice, and it's great to celebrate the sacrament -- but it is only a single day. My opinion is that couples should have the wedding they can afford, and not delay getting married simply so they can have a bigger party. We spent around $7,500 total on our wedding, and you know what? We have joyous memories of celebrating our wedding day with our closest friends and family, and we have no regrets about the choices we made in planning it.

Just my $0.02.


#13

FYI, I live near a major university and they offer grad housing for married couples. I visited friends there and it was very basic but perfectly fine. With other couples I've known, one goes to grad school while the other works to meet expenses.


#14

[quote="Planet_Claire, post:13, topic:218670"]
FYI, I live near a major university and they offer grad housing for married couples. I visited friends there and it was very basic but perfectly fine. With other couples I've known, one goes to grad school while the other works to meet expenses.

[/quote]

I've known several couples in which both spouses were graduate students -- if they have research assistant or teaching assistant positions, this can work quite well. I have also known two married couples who attended law school together. They used their student loans to meet living expenses, which isn't usually the best plan, but they did have partial scholarships toward tuition.

OP, I forgot to mention that my father was a graduate student for the first five years of my life! He and my mother married after college, then he went on to grad school, and about two years later I was born. He was a TA at his university, so he got a stipend, and my mother worked part-time in the evenings when he did not have class and he could be home with me.

It can be done, if you get creative. If you know where you want to attend grad school, it might be worth giving their financial aid office a call...


#15

My husband and I got married when he had been out of undergrad for a year, and I finished out my last year of undergrad married. Then he went to graduate school. We lived on loans (mostly) and my teaching salary (which was very low - beginning teacher at a Catholic School). Then I went to graduate school after he finished his graduate degree and got a job. We lived very, very frugally, and looking back it was actually quite wonderful. We've been married for 17 years now and have 4 kids :).


#16

Make rules... figure out what usually happens before you fall, or what conditions are usually present when you fall (eg, like what you said you are going to avoid regarding the car) and then make rules to avoid those situations (occasions of sin) and stick to those rules. Go to confession asap every time, it will give you grace to fight it. Don't worry if your rules would seem silly to others, sins against chastity can be grave and can really affect a relationship negatively.


#17

[quote="iloveyouJesus3, post:11, topic:218670"]
To get married to her in grad school would be a dream come true! I wish I could... but how could I?

I would not have a job, I would not be able to support a family, How would I pay for rent for a house or apartment?

I mean, the only thing I could really think of is living with the parents, but I don't know if that is the best idea, I have heard that living with parents leads to very many problems..

I don't know, I"m trying to look things up about how to get married while in grad school, is it really possible?

I mean, in my culture, weddings aren't small, they consist of 300-500 people and are very costly, how would I pay for it, taking out a loan? And grad school surely will be very expensive, I mean would being in that much debt be bad for the start of a marriage???

Has anyone gotten married while in grad school on here? If so, how did you guys make ends meet?

[/quote]

Do parents not pay for any part of a huge wedding like that? It's not very fair for the couple to have to foot that kind of bill! I'm not the kind who lets any cultural expectations dictate what I do or don't do, so if it were me, I'd do as much as I could but as little as I wanted to, if that makes sense. It is the marriage that is important, the wedding ceremony is a covenant between the two of you and God in front of witnesses and the party afterward is fun but not crucial. Don't go into that kind of debt, though. Yes, starting out in debt is not a good plan, especially right now, with many economies in a recession.


#18

Aww.. You guys have honestly really touched my heart, thank you ALL of you. I can't believe such caress is coming my way, from people who don't even know me. Thank you. All of you. I will pray for ALL of you during mass tomorrow...

I never really thought about that... Really.. I forgot that there is a HIGH chance that I might have to move away for grad school, and with that being said, If I will be paying for my living expenses, then why wouldn't she be able to be there? You guys are SO right.

I drive about 30 mins a day to school, still live with my parents and really don't have to pay for anything. There is a very tiny chance into the same school for grad school.

I would hate to take her out of her schooling to get married but if its midway through grad school then I don't see why that would be too bad.

I mean we're still looking at a good 4.5 years, but hey it definitely beats the 6.5-7!

Thank you guys SO much for all of your help, obviously I have not reached a final decision but you guys have really helped me think about options which could benefit me and her in the future.

Thank you for the tips on chastity, I am definitely going to start making some serious changes when it comes to how serious I am gonna need to start taking this relationship to get it back to what it originally was, a gift from God!

Thank You guys! God bless all of your beautiful souls. Thank you.


#19

My boyfriend and I have been together a little under three years…and are having the same problems as you all…maybe more severe, now. We’re trying to be chaste and good, etc., but nothing seems to work.

I’m not saying that a wedding is a definite able-to have…but, we’re hoping and looking and praying. We’re both trying to find part time jobs to work 20+ hours a week while going to college full time. We live on campus, at different schools within a half hour, so we could find an appartment together…but, our biggest problems are 1) what if we’d have a baby, and 2) how are we going to pay for a wedding? [Wedding list=175 minimum w/family and 30 friends, closest friends only].

But, it will make more sense to us. We are younger than you–I’m a sophomore in college, due to graduate in 2013, but graduating at least a semester early, so either Spring or Winter 2012. He’s a freshman, so due to graduate in 2014. We’re both at private Catholic colleges…he’s an Applied Physics/Engineering major, I’m Psychology, so we both ought to be able to get decent jobs after graduation. We’ll be living on loans, though, just like we would are now. I’m going straight to Grad.School after undergrad, assuming there is no baby and hopefully even if there is.

We’re hoping to get married sometime next year–2011—be it August [hopefully] or December. Those are the only two possibilities–during break. And we have figured that setting a date will help us be chaste more easily.

We do not set out to be bad, sin, etc., but we fail a lot. We do things, but there is an intense desire, ache, that we never had to deal with before this year. It’s awful, but so good at the same time. Unfortunately, nothing we do feels “dirty” or wrong to us, because it just feels so natural and right…

We know we should have been married a year ago…unfortunately, that wasn’t in the cards. We’re hoping next year works. If our parents cover a good deal of wedding costs, it should be fine. If we have to come up with 10,000+ for the wedding, we’re out of luck. We’re talking about a really small wedding now–grandparents, parents, siblings, close-est friends, etc., and a big anniversary reception for our fifth year anniversary; however, that is very against culture…and we don’t think it will fly in our families…

Grr…I hate money. Money is the only thing holding us back from doing this…we may just add money to our student loans to pay for college.

Not much help from me, I’m afraid…But sympathy. And lots of it…just know that it isn’t gonna get easier, and you probably ought to see if you can move the wedding date up.


#20

[quote="Emily2009, post:19, topic:218670"]

We'll be living on loans, though, just like we would are now.

[/quote]

Talk to your universities' financial aid offices about this before making decisions one way or the other... Your financial aid packages may get better if you got married -- because married students are treated as independent for FAFSA purposes (and thus your parents' income and assets generally wouldn't be counted on the FAFSA). Talk to your financial aid offices and see what the situation would be.


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