I feel like I’m in a bit of a corner right now… I’m a university student, going to one that is a 45min drive from my home, so not too far away. I’m working here for some professors over the summer. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who I am pretty much sure that I will marry after I graduate, unless God decides to change things. My problem is this: I feel like I’m doing a balancing act between him and my family. I love going to visit him (we’re long distance, so seeing each other is special), I look forward to it, count down the days, etc. We talk every night over Skype, and pray together before going to sleep. I love spending time with him. My family thinks I spend too much time with him. My mom hasn’t said as much to my face, but my 16yo sister has told me that she complains about me going to visit my bf ‘all the time’ and ‘never’ coming home. I don’t want my family to think that I love him more than I love them, so I’ll dutifully portion off a weekend to go home and visit them. Every time, I feel like I’m just going home to appease my family so they won’t complain when I go visit my bf. My mom misses me a lot, because I’ve always been the good kid, the one who would obey her, haven’t been really bad since I was 5(I was a devil child until I turned 5 ), etc. That’s enough to make me feel obligated to go home, and then throw in the fact she has depression, and is on medication for them. Even with the meds, she had a breakdown a few weeks ago, threatening to leave home, not caring that my sisters were screaming and crying at her not to leave… I’m the one who mom likes to talk to about all her problems. I give her all the advice I can think of, and then she usually doesn’t take it… Or she gets depressed for a day or two because I suggested it might be her problem. You have to understand, my mom is a really sweet person, I love her to death, she caring, loving, a super mom most of the time, and I’m really glad to be near to my family, especially when I got really sick mid-winter last year. But I feel like I haven’t been given enough space yet… I’m the kind of person who will be happy as long as I have somewhere to sleep at night, a roof over my head, food to eat, and a connection to the internet. So I don’t miss home that much, or at least, I haven’t been given enough time to start missing home.
I’m trying my hardest to find good things about going home, and there are many, but I still feel like I’m only doing it out of a sense of obligation, and to appease them so I can go visit my bf without feeling guilty. Is it my problem, or theirs? I think it’s normal for me to want to spend more time away from home, I’m 18, starting to grow up, become more independent. But then all my friends are all look forwards to going home, so excited to see their families again… for me, it’s just another thing I have to do; there, I can check it off my list of duties to perform. Do I not have the right amount of love for my family? Or are they having trouble letting go? I don’t have a problem talking to my mom once or twice a week on the phone, that’s perfect for me. We exchange emails regularly. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Thank you for reading this, it was probably long.