I have a moral dilemma and figured I would post it up on here and see what others think.
My 60 year old mother has an incurable rare illness. She is on a lot of meds for it and sometimes has to have chemotherapy. She works fulltime as well as runs her own side business. My parents divorced 3 years ago. My father moved away and I am still close with him and my mom. My sisters took sides with my mother and haven't spoken to him since.
My mom kept their way too big house and because of it, even with the alimony she has to work fulltime and maintain this side business just to make ends meet as well as to try to keep up with the lifestyle she had before the divorce. With the illness she has, sometimes she is so debilitated she has a hard time getting around and the stress of trying to maintain this house and her lifestyle is making her illness worse. The fulltime job pays for the house and its upkeep alone. Its a 4000sf house! I've tried many times to convince her to sell it. She NEVER sees her grandchildren at all anymore because she works over 15 hours a day and weekends trying to maintain a lifestyle that she can't afford anymore. She's been in therapy forever but is just not able to let go of her past life with my dad.
The biggest problem with my mom right now is that she needs help because of her illness. My one sister and her husband are in deep financial debt, offered to move in with her and take care of her. Which I think is fine. The problem though, is that I know they cannot afford it and are really taking advantage of my mother financially. My mom, I think understands that, but needs the help because of her illness. They have thier own house that they are going to rent out because they cannot sell it because they owe a lot more than its worth. And they are going to rent it for less than their mortgage payment with the expectation that my mom is just going to pay the difference since they are going to split everything. I tried to convince my mom to sell the big house and with the profit buy a small ranch on my street where we can take care of her and help her. But my sister fought that because she needs to move in to my mom's house for financial reasons (though she will never say that). I'm not sure if she knows this by my mom offered the same situation to me but we tried to convince her to sell her house because we thought that would be the best thing for her, My sister does not know this.
I am absolutely ok with my sister and her family moving into my mom's house and getting the financial benefit of that because they will be providing the care that my mom needs. That is a very very difficult job and I am proud of her for stepping up to do it. But here is my real dilemma. My sister confronted me today and said under no circumstances can I tell our father that she and her family are moving in there because then he can get his alimony payments lowered. Also my mom is continuing to fight to try to get more money from him. I just told her I don't run back and forth between mom and dad telling them what mom and dad are doing.
After I hung up, I realized 2 things though. One, I will not lie. Two, by my sister and her family moving in there, and my dad continuing to pay more alimony, then he is in fact helping to support them and the financial indescretions. That in itself is a moral problem, but it is their moral problem, I guess. But if I just sit here and don't say anything, then isn't it my moral problem? Also, what happens when he eventually finds out? Where does that leave me?
I love my whole family, but I hate what this stupid divorce has done. And I hate that everyone expects me to play games, I have refused so far to play them, but this one I am really conflicted on.
My mom NEEDS that alimony money because of her illness. Even if she sold her house, she could still get it and be taken care of. The problem is that because my sister is moving in there so an arguement can be made to lower the alimony. The situation seems to me that my sister is the one who is to benefit the most from that alimony continuing at its present level.
I really wish I could just move away and remove myself from the whole situation. I hate that I am placed in the middle of all this.
I think I may end up having to have a converstaion with my mom about it. There are other family members out there that my dad could hear about this from. So I may just say to her that my sister told me not to tell dad, but she has to understand that I am not going to lie about it. And that there is a good chance he could find out from other family members anyway.
OK. I guess this has become of a venting session that anything else. But any comments or opinions would be appreciated.