family question

Hi, New to the board. I want to ask a quick question but need to give a bit of back ground. So I my hubby and my 4 kids live together in a big house, about 6 years ago hubby’s brother got out of the army and his parents approached my hubby and asked if he could live with us. He said o.k. and I said o.k. thinking that it would be the usual thing of getting enough money together to get him back on his feet, and get his own apartment. Well, he got a job with the post office part time as he waited for a full time position to open up, which it just did (after 6 years!) Well, after a year and a half I finally told hubby to ask him for some rent so he’s been giving us 500$ a month. He does almost nothing else around here, except baby sits once and a while.
This is the tricky part. While I’m thankful he’s willing to baby sit, every time he does, we come home and I’m immediately aggravated by something. Once they were computer gaming and ignored chores, bedtime routines and were up to late…the most recent time, he let my ten year old daughter go to a friends house at 9:30 “to bike her home” and it was dark. She called at 10 pm for a ride home. I was very angry at this. It’s been an implicit rule that she has to be home before it is dark, and generally that’s before 9 pm.Okay, so this is my question, he’s been in this house for so long, he has seen us hussle to get her friends home before dark etc, why do I have to spell things out in a abc manner with him? If I have to, I will make a set of rules and hand them to him,but every time I come home it’s something new that I feel should just be common sense.
If money wasn’t an issue I would hire a couple of teenage girls to watch the kids, it’s getting to the point where I’m not sure if having him take care of my kids is a prudent thing or not. Any advice for dealing with someone like this?

I wouldn’t have him babysit if he has that little common sense and he needs a set of rules to actually do the job correctly. I’d also be expecting him to find his own place now that he has a full time job. If he can not move out yet, the lack of helping around the house would be addressed and he would definitely have a chore list until he did get his own place. He’s got a free ride with no consequences, you have a child of adult age living in your house, if it was me, his experience at my house would be drastically changing ASAP. He’s not a good example to your children and they come first. He needs to step up to his responsibilities as an adult, including setting a good example to those around him, especially your children. Once he demonstrated he can be a responsible boarder, then I’d readdress the babysitting situation.

My personal opinion is that after 6 years it’s time for him to man up and move out on his own. If he can’t then he needs to move back in with his parents. It doesn’t sound like he’s responsible enough to take care of your children in your absence. Maybe you can work out a deal with the parents of your children’s friends. You watch their kids when they go out and they watch yours when you go out. It’s a win-win for both sets of parents and for the kids as well as they get to hang out with their friends. You have enough to deal with without taking on another adult. It was admirable that you were willing to let him stay with you once he got out of the army. He is now taking advantage of the situation.

He is a big boy now. It is time to move into his own place separate from yours.

6 years is 5.5 years too many. He should leave tomorrow. You’ve let it go on far too long. But set a date now, and stick to it.

I would love to remove him from the house. However, this is going to cause big fight with my hubby and my older kids as well as his family, who sees no wrong with him. Every keeps saying how lucky we are to have him to “help” us, but inside I feel like such a faker. He aggravates us and me in particular- way more than he helps us.
I figure I’m going to have to make some rules up and write them down. It just feels so stupid to have to do this for an adult, and I’m going to be the big bad *itch because of it.
To complicate all of this, I’m due with twins in Nov/December, and I really wonder if I should do this now, or wait? Will it just totally drive me crazy? Or will I actually need the “help” he can give us? His help usually consists of hold a baby while I do the work-make dinner, cleanup housework, child care, homeschooling and this time around I don’t think I can tolerate having him holding and cuddling the babies while I have to stress out about all the work of the household that needs to be done.
I feel like this is such a burden. My hubby will cook, clean up the kitchen ect. I sometimes feel like his brother has mental issues. He doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, he won’t cook anything if he can help it, he won’t clean things, he won’t do anything dirty.
My hubbies family and I used to get along great. I really liked them, but ever since he moved in I totally feel used by all of them, and it has really affected the relationship. I feel like making waves about this is going to blow up the whole family, and I don’t even know if I have the courage to do it.
Anyway, I hope I’m not committing calumny, there are some good things about having him here, and he is generally agreeable and sometimes helpful. I’m just not certain if it outways the aggravation he causes.

I would never recommend a family do this. I think it’s been the worse thing I have ever experienced in my life.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart talk. There is no way you should have to feel this way and not have the support of your husband.

He needs to see the stress that his brother is causing.

I guess from what you say, your husband is A-OK with his brother living with you for 6 years…for $500/mo. Which he could not get away with anywhere else. A grown man not to be self-supporting, to work a part time job for 6 years?? And his family not only gives him a pass on this but allows him to take advantage of one of the other family members…As you say, perhaps there are some mental issues.

You need to sit down with your husband and get all of this out in the open. Tell him that with the coming set of twins, you feel that his brother’s lease is running out. That with a full time government job, he should be able to support himself just fine. Your husband’s responses will tell you what you need to do after that.

You and your peace of mind should be your husband’s 1st priority. Your children are children and have no say so in the matter. If it means so much to his family that this man has a free ride in life they should take him in. It is nice that you don’t point out to everyone that he doesn’t really help you out. Shame on everyone for putting this burden on you.

Thank you all for the help. I have showed this thread to my hubby and we are talking about this, haven’t made any conclusions yet but we’ll see.

That’s a start!

I might suggest that when you have a lot to do, you hold the baby and say, “George, please vacuum before dinner.” Or "would you please mop the floors (clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, whatever) while I cook dinner/feed the kids.*. If you give him a specific task, he may step up to the plate, at least until he can get his own place.
If he demurs, you might say, “do you really think I should be doing all the work around here?”

“If money wasn’t an issue”…you have received $500 per month for the last 18 months which is equal to $9,000. Have you actually sat down and figured out your food cost, utilities, etc.? Off the top of my head, I’d say he’s only paying for his groceries which you shop for and cook for him.

Write down everything the family spends and at the end of this month, divide that amount by the number of people in your home to see the per head expense.

I took the $9,000 you received and divided it by the 72 months he’s lived with you. You have earned $111 per month. How have you benefited?

If you do above, and decide he needs to pay more and he agrees, write a contract to be renewed in three months and re-evaluate the situation.

Good! If your husband comes back and says, “I have no problems with my brother continuing to live here,” I suggest you tell him that the rest of the family needs to chip in to help pay the real cost of having this BIL live with you. $500 would cover his actual renting of a room, no food included, perhaps minimal service such as using the washer and dryer, and utilities . Definitely no food preparation, cleaning of his room, etc.

Does he think that what he is paying you should cover everything - food, cleaning up after him, etc.? Tell your husband that you expect him to hire a full-time helper for after your twins arrive, since you will not be able to do much and since you have in effect, a full-grown child to add to your tasks.

Two further questions: How old is the BIL, and what else will he do with his paychecks now that he is employed full time?

How a grown man can sponge off a relative like this is beyond me. Has he no pride?

:shrug:

Does your husband realize that this ‘helping’ you are doing may be hurting his brother in the long run?

I never pick up after him if I can help it-no cleaning of his room or bathroom. Only in the common areas of the house, if say mud on the floor or something. I also do not cook his breakfast or special foods for him. He can help feed himself-at least I learned that long ago when he said, " Well if you cook it for me, (eggs in this case) I’ll eat it." No way, I mean I know if I did stuff like that for him, it would be even worse here. I don’t want to be a doormat.
I’m really leaning towards asking him to leave. He hasn’t acknowledged me since friday night, won’t even look at me, “no sorry for the argument” or “disregarding a rule” at all from him. I think he’s waiting for us to ask him to go, or something. Or waiting for everything to smooth over.
Yeah, my hubby and I have talked about enabling behaviors before. I’ve been subtly pushing him to handle his own stuff for a while.
I know that 500 does not hardly cover the food he eats, and yeah it really burns me up because we have been on such a tight budget. He has plenty of money for movies, eating out, junk food and treats, and amazon purchases.He’s nearing 40! And no, I think he has no pride at all.
My hubby is just too nice, we have both been too nice.

He has said no before about doing certain tasks, like cleaning up his bathroom… or helping with washing the dishes.

Could you imagine??? Being a grown man with a full time job, sponging off of your brother and his wife, unbelievable.

Not that I don’t believe the OP, just some family situations just floor me. There is another thread running about a husband that won’t change his own child’s diaper. Again, unbelievable. :dts:

He doesn’t clean his bathroom? I’m sorry. He’s 40. The guy is a sponge. You are not making any money from this deal. He should go. Your kids will copy his behavior. And you are having twins?
Why can’t Mom and Dad take him back? (Probably too smart and have been doing a happy dance:dancing::extrahappy: for the last six years).

What argument? You didn’t mention an argument. How dare he refuse to help around the house? See, that’s what I mean, he thinks that because he is paying you $500/mo., that should cover everything, his room and board and extras like cleaning. WRONG! Time to grow up bro!

I was thinking the same thing. Mom and Dad should take him back in where he can help them.

DGB

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