Family rejection


#1

I hope you all might have some advice for me…

My family and I have had some really rough stuff happen in the last year, and my returning from college and living at home for six months was a catalyst for some pretty explosive episodes at home. To be fair I did not handle the stress of what was going on well, but my family didn’t either.

Long story short… I’ve obviously moved out apologized and really made an effort to try to show my family that I love them, but at this point I really honestly don’t feel wanted.

It’s been almost a year since I moved away from the house, and the other day I was talking to my mom and I asked her if things were ever going to get better? Or if we would every be able to talk like we used to, and her answer was probably not.

I’m really hurt, and would just love some advice from anyone who has perhaps experienced rejection from their family? How do you get over it and move on?

Thanks and God Bless


#2

The rules of politeness, of etiquette, were originally designed to allow people to interact with one another safely, smoothing their communications and interactions and minimizing the chances of causing hurt to one another.
The closer one lives with others, the greater the odds of stepping on one another’s toes, getting in one another’s faces and spaces and causing serious hurt to one another…
and so the greater becomes the need to follow the rules of politeness, of etiquette, when dealing with one another.

Ok, so you’re saying that between family, close living, “really rough stuff,” and stress…. basic etiquette, basic politeness, got totally thrown out the window such that there were “explosive episodes” and this household and its relationships were reduced to the rubble of a catastrophic science experiment conducted by junior high students?
Well then…. the chances of causing truly serious hurt to one another were maximized.

Where people get hurt, they generally build walls.
Where do you hurt? What walls have you built around your heart?
Where have you deeply hurt others? What massive walls have they built around their hearts?
Will you ever be able to talk like you used to, heart to heart? Not through those massive walls.
Hurt builds walls.

You can do absolutely nothing about the walls that others have placed around their hearts to protect themselves from the hurt you have caused them and the likelihood of your doing it again.
All you can do is take down that wall you’ve put up around your own.
So write a letter to your mother. Forget about who was right and who was wrong.
Forget about your need to be right. Forget about your need to justify anything.
Write a letter about everything that was once right in life and everything that you miss.

The time has come to start living life as a deliberate action *on your part, rather than as an *automatic re-action on your part. It's part of growing and becoming YOU.
You'll get there.
Blessings!


#3

Musicbox, I am so sorry for the lose of your family members. They didn't die on you but it is still a major lose because they have chosen not to speak to you again. Cruel shoes!

There are some families where when they chose to let go of a relative they really mean it.

It is really sad when a mother lets go of an adult child. There have been many times when I wanted to let go of my adult son but I have always walked on egg shells in trying not to break the friendship family bond. My son has done the same for me. I am possitive that his wife would enjoy taking me out of lives. I hope and pray that someday my adult son will see that it is his wife who tries to break up our family ties. I am patiently waiting and hoping to see that day. Meanwhile I try to keep the peace.

In your situation.... it doesn't really matter what the details of the verbal agressive fights or disagreements were about. What matters is that a family bond was destroyed.

I think that only time will heal the hearts and emotional pain
if family members decide to forgive eachother.

My Mom is the one who has always wanted to destroy the friendship between us family members. She always has something bad to say about us. I always answer her back that when she dies my sisters and I will still have our friendship because she can't destroy it.

I hope and pray that with time all will be forgiven and the details of the major fight is forgotten. I have heard of people saying that looking back they can see that they were all at fault and can see how silly it was to let go of eachother. They can all look back and see how stupid it was.
It is really strange how some people are not forgiving at all.

We all have different ways of dealing with family problems. I am sure others here will have their stories to tell you to comfort you. Peace, LaLucia


#4

Wow, there is so much pain out there.

Musicbox, if you were my son / daughter, I would take you back in a heartbeat.

Jesus told us we have to forgive 70 x 7 times. After all, we expect to be forgiven by God each time after we fall. I hope your parents can learn to understand that.

As for my situation, my family is being ripped apart too. But it is a couple of my children that are rejecting me and my wife. My 16 year old son hasn’t spoken to me for over a year and now my 15 year old daughter is not speaking to us either.

But I love them both and forgive them for all their transgressions. And I pray for the day we can become close again.

The teen years are so tough. I think parents have to let go and let their children make their mistakes. I try to guide them, but they ignore my advice and I have to accept that and help pick them up afterward.

Musicbox - don’t give up trying. Accept what little relationship they are willing to give you and keep at it. Pray for them. Sometimes wounds take a while to heal. Eventually you will grow close again.

Jesus - I trust in you!,
John Marie Philomena


#5

i think your family is very hurt by your past actions. Listen to me, my boy: i am a mother also, and i have also learned how much it hurts when our children hurt us or failed us.
There is only one special love: the love of a parent.
Change what you did wrong and really start doing the right things.
Keep talking to your parents, be honest with them, not only by words, but by actions also.
Get mature and be responsable. The love is there, from your parents, but that does not mean that they must accept and suffer everytime a child wants to do his own will.
Show them that you have changed and show them your love.
Of course it hurts that you feel “not wanted”, but remember that feeling next time you want to do something on your own or before you say hurtful things to your family.
Remember: family, we only have one. I believe you have had good parents, and that is the reason why you miss that communication between your mother and you. Next time, listen to what they have to say, what they have to advise to you. If they tell you or advise you about something, it is because they have more experience than you and they can foresee what might be wrong. Be humble and pray that God unite you with your family.


#6

Musicbox, I'm sorry for your pain. I'm struggling with a hostile sister (and trying to hide it from my sick elderly mother as we attempt to take care of her!) so I know how hard and isolating these rifts can be.

I think it is impossible to advise you in a very meaningful way not knowing the details. I'm not saying you should give any and possibly open yourself up to criticism from others on this forum. But maybe the best way to deal with this is to speak to an impartial 3rd party, like a therapist or a priest, and be as completely honest as you can, leaving nothing out. It might help you see things you didn't realize before that are keeping your family from forgiving you or it might validate that you have done all you can. Maybe your mom will even agree to join you.

You can only change yourself. If you have done all you can to repair the relationship then you will need to act one way. If that impartial 3rd party thinks you haven't done all you can do, then you will need to do something else.


#7

Forgive, that is what Jesus taught us. Tell your mom that although she may not welcome you any longer that you will pray for her. And then do it.
There are not many details about what may have happened. I’m not asking you to share those but, go see your Priest. Explain what is going on and see if he may have some ideas about how to mend the relationship. Or see if you have a Community of Sisters in your area. I.e. I have a Community of Little Sister of the Poor. Absolutely wonderful women who do allot in our community. Spiritual directors and all around good people. And really smart half of them have degrees in phsychology …therapy … communication. Try them and see if you can find help there.
God bless,


#8

Whatever happenned is now not important. Time and God heal all wounds. Pray on it and it will get better.


#9

[quote="momor, post:6, topic:196108"]

You can only change yourself. If you have done all you can to repair the relationship then you will need to act one way. If that impartial 3rd party thinks you haven't done all you can do, then you will need to do something else.

[/quote]

I think this is good advice. You can make a genuine effort with your parents but you can't force them to change their attitude. Pray for your family, be patient and do your best. Ask for advice from a person you trust. Hopefully things will change for the better.


#10

since you ask, I would deal with the cause of the original rift. Has either of you made any attempt to do that yet? Until you confront and work through it my guess is the situation will never move beyond armed truce.


#11

Always pray like the posters have been telling you. What are the problems that you are having with your parents, if you care for sharing. I am new to this forum.

God bless!


#12

There is a lot that goes into it, however, to put it as briefly and simply and objectively as I can, I moved home for six months after graduating from college and everyone had a hard time adjusting to it.

Partying and/or breaking house rules was never an issue. I was working to get a job, and really thats all I did. I got a min. wage job in the mean time to try to cover costs, and because I had been out of state for a long time, I didn’t have any friends, so there was no going out! I can honestly say all I did was work and go to daily Mass.

My parents gripes was with my tone of voice around the house (which to be fair, wasn’t that great, I wasn’t particularly happy), and although they deny it, I think they were disappointed in my lack of ability to succeed (I had done very well in college and I just couldn’t, and am still having a hard time, getting my feet on the ground).

There were some pretty intense arguments that transpired during that time normally over a tone of voice that they said was intentionally meant to hurt of push buttons (which, like anything, sometimes was true, and sometimes wasn’t) and eventually things got physical, and after being hit a few times I moved out.

Basically thats it. I’ve really tried to amend things, but I just can’t seem to do enough for them at this point.

Anyway, thanks for your response, for sure I will pray like the posters say to! :thumbsup:


#13

Whoever was the one doing the actual hitting needs some counseling. You did the right thing moving out for everyone. Take time and maybe family counseling.


#14

Dear musicbox,
After reading the cause of your family rejection, we can deduct some causes:

  1. the adjusting of you and your family living together again.
  2. the interference on each other’s life after being separated for a couple of years.
  3. the pressure of looking for a job, not only from your part, but also the financial pressure plus the emotional adjustment from your parents and yourself.
  4. the frustation of not being independent yet and also the dissapointment from your parents side.
  5. the insecurity from both parts that the lack of job brings to you and to your family, specially for them whom i believe went into big financial burden in order to pay for your tuition. And maybe, there are still tuition bills that need to be pay off.
  6. As it should be, your parents getting older and tired also, and wanting to have some emotional and financial freedom and time of enjoyment to themselves. Maybe some illnesses that they have to cope with also, etc.
    You need to put yourself in their shoes and think how they might feel now towards you, because only when we put ourselves in the shoes of the other person, we realize that there are some reasons why people act the way they do.
    They might also feel the need to put a barrier between you and them in order not to get again into the painful situation that all of you were in and that has left scars in each one of you.
    Also, remember that usually in order to pay for university tuition plus all the other expenses due to your education, it takes time and sacrifices in order to have that money available for a child. So, it must have taken small or big sacrifices in their lives in order to fullfil your education. Remember that.
    I think, it is a good idea that you put yourself in their shoes and realize the big difference about how your parents might have felt and still feeling towards you.
    Maybe you should also reinforce the methods of finding a job, even if it is not related to your field in order to pay for your own expenses until you find the job according to your degree.
    All the past actions and pressures and also the present situation are still a pressing point in your relation with your parents.
    Keep talking to them, be kind and respectful also and understand their motives of their present behavior. Little by little and with love and respect, things will get better. Be humble as i told you before, understand them, be patient and talk to them about your feelings towards them. Pray and have faith. Sometimes things happen in a way that we might not understand at the moment why they had happened the way they did, but, one day, you will realize that it might have been for the good and for a reason.
    Young people tend to be selfish and careless, a lot of times they do not want to realize how other people feels or what are their problems, do not act like that, it is time that you start caring about the people who has raised you with love, with good moral values, with so many wonderful things, otherwise, you will not have been the person who you are now. You own them a big part of who you are now.
    I hope, it helps.
    May God guide you and bring peace to you and to your beloved family.

#15

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