This is a musing born out of confusion and sadness.:(
Without going into too much detail, there had been some "dysfunction" in my immediate family while I was growing up, and a couple of decades ago, when that was a hot topic in the culture, I went way in depth trying to pounce on every possible "family secret," be it addictions, abuse, financial entanglements, whatever.
I have since realized that I went a little overboard back then and obsessed over some of it too much, though some of what I learned in terms of coping skills at support groups was of value.
The thing I'm trying to grapple with now, older and (perhaps) wiser, yet still confused :confused:, is - sometimes in trying to relate to the extended family, the topic comes up of the mistakes my now-deceased parents made (esp. re finances), and sometimes I end up - HELP! :eek: - in a drama/debate with a relative over interpretations of what happened in the past and how it influences up to today - my parent's version vs. the in-law's version and stuff like that.
It gets really horrible. :slapfight: :bighanky: to the point where who knows what the truth is, how did we get on this topic, it's ancient history now, he said, she said, with no witnesses, so can we just agree to disagree and calm down, etc. :coolinoff: I want to love my relatives and not fight with any of them, ever. I am resolving to work harder on keeping my mouth shut and/or my foot out of it.
Further complicating matters is that I have mental issues as do some of the rest of them, but mine are a cluster of different anxiety disorders instead of really obvious things like bipolar, so the family is on my case about why can't I get the kinds of jobs the mentally healthy ones are doing and I sense they think I'm just trying to get a free ride by applying for disability.
Which is so not true - it was a difficult decision to make and I will be lucky if I'll be able to survive on it. But I can't go on with the stress and anxiety and what the jobs I had worked at were doing to my mental and even physical health. It's actually better if I go on disability because whatever money I do get I'll try to find a frugal way of living on it and hopefully not ever need to ask the relatives for help.
I tried, in the most recent conversation that went south, to be positive and cheerful and avoid potential controversy topics, but as often happens, this particular relative launched into a litany of every job each one of my cousins had and how hard-working they were and so on. I don't know if it was conscious and pointed, or just unconscious habit.
My relatives' work ethic is admirable, but I don't need all these things thrown in my face. I confronted the relative about the recital and pointed out that many of these same cousins had done things like fornication and cohabitation, divorce and remarriage without annulments, left the Church, and so on and that I was trying to do the right thing in those areas of life.
And do you know, my elderly relative, who was always so devout, started trying to tell me that living together before marriage was a good way to see if things were going to work out! OK, so maybe I was being a bit self-righteous but I was just trying to point out that we all have areas where we do good or not so good.:shrug:
They have all gotten cynical about the Church and the Faith in their old age, and I think it's discouragement and maybe even clinical depression that has made them that way. So I don't report the above to condemn them, rather to lament how burnt-out they seem to be. Which depresses me even more. :imsorry: I don't want to see them in that state of mind in the last years of their lives.
As many mistakes as I've made in my life, I'm trying to rebuild it from scratch for however many years I have left on this Earth. I need family to be the "soft place to fall" emotionally and they are limited in their ability to be that for me and I apparently am not what they want me to be. I have no living immediate family, no parents, never had a husband or kids, and I'm an only child. and feel very alone. Need prayers and compassionate advice. Thanks.