I would rather not go into too much detail with this but I’d be grateful to anyone for some prayers or encouragement.
I became Catholic a few years ago and since then, my relationship with my mom has been deteriorating. This has been partly because of my decisions with the faith (not directly, but things like discernment of my life, modesty, etc), and also - sadly - my mistakes and sins. I have not showed enough the joy of knowing God as I began to struggle with scruples and other similar trials shortly after my conversion, and it took me a while to learn how to remain joyful during this. I am not making any excuses for how I was and am though. Also I have not always been respectful to my mom and sometimes I got very upset during discussions with her instead of just calmly listening.
Recently, my mom has been concerned with a couple ways she sees me as not taking care of my health enough. I began to try doing this but sometimes I’d forget or be overwhelmed, or I’d look unhappy doing something. I should say that the last little while I’ve been kind of a nervous wreck because of arguments at home, including some that happened because of vocations / me not being married. Sometimes it would improve if I would spend more time with God, but today has been a difficult day.
Anyways, it seems I’m really affecting my mom with all this. Her health has been affected, our relationship is deteriorating, she seems really depressed and sometimes says things that really shock me. I am afraid I have also caused her to reject the Church because she blames it for what has happened to me. Some things are my own sins or mistakes that of course are not from the Church. Other things that have caused disagreements are aspects of my relationship with God, and I think my mom may be misunderstanding my motives. Yet if I were to say my motives, I’m afraid that would make it even worse because of disagreements we have on those topics.
I am going through intense guilt right now and to be honest - I’m not complaining but I’m just having a really hard time. I have tried to be more joyful and to follow what my mom wanted me to do with health, but sometimes I’d slip up and it would all fall apart again. I’m afraid I caused too much damage that cannot be undone. I’m terrified what would happen in the future. To my mom, if I do not marry it would be a tragedy and based on our discussions in the past, I’m afraid it would even endanger my mom’s life. I’m afraid about how I’ve been affecting her spiritually as well.
I am trying to seek God’s will for me and discern my life but all this fear has been making it difficult.
I am not expecting an easy solution but I’m just at the end of my rope right now. I have no idea what to do because even if I try to fix my past mistakes, the damage seems to go very deep. Not to mention that even if all would be fixed, it is likely to fall apart because of other disagreements. I’m praying for my mom… Something always seems to happen, so I think her worries about me get renewed each time. I know she is suffering because she is worried for me. I’ve tried to see it from her perspective. I just don’t know what to do and I’m feeling very strong guilt / hopelessness. I’m trying to make acts of trust in God…
I hope this doesn’t sound very crazy or pathetic. If anyone has any advice I’d be thankful… God bless