Father visiting lover


#1

I don’t know if I should make a thread about this but I do it anyway.

My parents are separating. I don’t like it of course but I am 18 so I can take something like this, my older brother also. I feel more bad for my 8 years younger brother, it will probably be harder for him. However, I don’t think that I can do anything about it.

My father have a lover, appearently, and he plans to go to her next weekend, even if he still lives in the same house as the rest of the family and this is something my mother dislike very much. And I agree with her, he doesn’t really show her any respect. Yes, and she also dislike it beacause he will be away Friday and Saturday and get home at Sunday, which happens to be my birthday. I don’t reallt care much about my birthday so, well, I don’t care that he will be gone so close to that certain day but I think my mother does. I care more about the fact that he got someone else, I mean, he is a catholic and goes to church one weekend and then the other one goes to this woman. That doesn’t seem very Christian or Catholic to me, I think it doesn’t even look good from most peoples perspective, Christian or not. :mad:

However what I want to know is, what do you think about it? I suppose it might be hard to say anything about it but still I would like to hear what you have to say.

I am sorry if my english is bad, and if this is a bad thread.


#2

We all need places to vent - your English is better than my [your first language]. So don’t worry a bit. We need to be hear for you as your brothers and sisters in Christ. As hard and as difficult as this may sound your fathers actions are his own. You can politely discuss them with him as a man. Something to the effect of - Dad, you taught me to be a good Catholic and this doesn’t seem right that you are receiving Christ and doing this. But in the end we are not called to judge our parents. We must forgive so that we don’t hold on to our own anger. Maybe your place in this is to teach your younger brother the way that a real man acts by setting the example and to be there for your mother. God bless you in your time of healing.


#3

[quote="Andromedus, post:1, topic:231424"]
I don't know if I should make a thread about this but I do it anyway.

My parents are separating. I don't like it of course but I am 18 so I can take something like this, my older brother also. I feel more bad for my 8 years younger brother, it will probably be harder for him. However, I don't think that I can do anything about it.

My father have a lover, appearently, and he plans to go to her next weekend, even if he still lives in the same house as the rest of the family and this is something my mother dislike very much. And I agree with her, he doesn't really show her any respect. Yes, and she also dislike it beacause he will be away Friday and Saturday and get home at Sunday, which happens to be my birthday. I don't reallt care much about my birthday so, well, I don't care that he will be gone so close to that certain day but I think my mother does. I care more about the fact that he got someone else, I mean, he is a catholic and goes to church one weekend and then the other one goes to this woman. That doesn't seem very Christian or Catholic to me, I think it doesn't even look good from most peoples perspective, Christian or not. :mad:

However what I want to know is, what do you think about it? I suppose it might be hard to say anything about it but still I would like to hear what you have to say.

I am sorry if my english is bad, and if this is a bad thread.

[/quote]

The only thing that I see you can do is pray for your father. He knows what he's doing is wrong. This is selfishness on his part. Maybe he will soon regret his actions, go to Confession, and return permanently to his family. Right now he is , as we say, "trying to have his cake and eat it, too." I feel sorry for your family. It likely wouldn't do any good for you to talk to him, although you could try. Time may cool his affections for the other woman. Keep praying for him.


#4

This was a very good place for posting your thread.

I am very sorry you are going through this. What do I think? I feel for you, your mom and your brothers. I also feel for your dad. He obviously is acting out of some kind of hurt. But that does not excuse his behaviour.

Don’t let resentment build in your heart, it will only damage you. By all means if you want to tell him you don’t like his behaviour, that is OK. But don’t expect to be happy when you say those things

And remember, you do NOT have to ever meet this other woman if you don’t want to.

God Bless

CM


#5

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

While you can't judge his interior state or his culpability, he's objectively going against the tenets of the faith in which he raised you. There may be factors that reduce culpability, there is no moral reason that compels a man with a wife and family to have a sexual relationship with another woman. That much, you can judge.

Your duty to honor your father does not prevent you from objecting to his plans. If you feel it is your duty to your mother and your siblings to bluntly object to what he's doing, then by all means, object! You can let him know that while it is no business of yours to judge him before God, he is objectively choosing his own self-indulgence over you, and that it is not acceptable to you to stand by and say nothing while he forces you and the rest of his children to watch their mother being humiliated in this way by their own father. I say "if you feel it is your duty", because this is a matter for some discernment, based on many factors you know but couldn't have time to go into here. You may want to pray about this, and consider these lines of Scripture:

"*If your brother sins (against you), go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that 'every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector." *Matt. 18:15-17

or

*"It is widely reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of a kind not found even among pagans--a man living with his father's wife. And you are inflated with pride. Should you not rather have been sorrowful? The one who did this deed should be expelled from your midst. I, for my part, although absent in body but present in spirit, have already, as if present, pronounced judgment on the one who has committed this deed, in the name of (our) Lord Jesus: when you have gathered together and I am with you in spirit with the power of the Lord Jesus, you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.

"Your boasting is not appropriate. Do you not know that a little yeast leavens all the dough? Clear out the old yeast, so that you may become a fresh batch of dough, inasmuch as you are unleavened. For our paschal lamb, Christ, has been sacrificed. Therefore let us celebrate the feast, not with the old yeast, the yeast of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

"I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people, not at all referring to the immoral of this world or the greedy and robbers or idolaters; for you would then have to leave the world. But I now write to you not to associate with anyone named a brother, if he is immoral, greedy, an idolater, a slanderer, a drunkard, or a robber, not even to eat with such a person. For why should I be judging outsiders? Is it not your business to judge those within? God will judge those outside. 'Purge the evil person from your midst.' *'
1 Cor. 5:1-13

He may know very well that what he's doing is wrong, but he also may be deceiving himself that his actions harm no one, that he "deserves to be happy", because he wants to follow the glamour of evil. Unless you have a compelling reason to remain silent, don't let that self-deception go unchallenged. If you have relatives that will help you, enlist their aid.

I would advise that you be ready to concede that he and your mother might possibly be in an invalid marriage, and that he might be free to marry in all good conscience at a later date. If a man finds himself in a marriage in which he cannot live in peace with his wife, there are moral ways to seek a separation and to inquire with the Church about whether his marriage was even valid.

Objectively speaking, though, he has not chosen that way. Let him know that you are disappointed in his behavior, in his willingness to hurt your mother and put his own soul and that of his mistress in danger, and that no amount of "you don't understand" is going to change that. You both understand his moral position very well. He'll do what he wants, but stick to your guns on that point.

If you refuse to associate with him while he is engaging in this kind of self-deception, there is nothing immoral or disrespectful about that. It is the consequence that both Our Lord and St. Paul recommended, in such a case. Unless your mother asks you to do otherwise for her sake, there is nothing in moral law that prevents that course of action, and even things in moral law that advocate in its favor.

*"Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. But whoever denies me before others, I will deny before my heavenly Father.

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man 'against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one's enemies will be those of his household.' "Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up his cross and follow after me is not worthy of me."* Matt 10: 32-38

If you decide not to raise this issue, do so because you discern it would be to the detriment of others in your family. As for you, always tell the truth in love, with patience, kindness and a hope for repentance if you admonish the sinner, but be willing to suffer in order to tell the truth, if it comes to that.

Good luck, and may the Holy Spirit guide your every word as you go through this.


#6

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