Fawaway family member in the hospital


So… here is a moral situation, for which I do hope I may get some support. I don’t think this time it is just scrupulosity, even though many of you know that I have that tendency, and at times have suffered from it a lot.

I have actually been doing quite well, and most of all this year I have made a many-years-long dream come true, and moved to the country where I had been dreaming of living for a long time, always travelling back and forth, in my heart living more there already…It was really like a miracle, and it did involve some things that I like to call miracles if I may say so, just things that turned out well when it looked very very difficult because of some paperwrok technicalities… only with God :)).

This just as an intro to the situation.

Now, after about half a year of being away, I have been planning a short visit to my birth country at the end of next month. Need to get some paperwork done there still, but most of all of course it will be good to see my parents and other family - and very much also my grandparents, because they are already very old (with my parents I write per e-mail a lot, so we are in good touch).

So… planning a short visit only, maybe a week, because I do have a lot of financial obligations and I cannot miss too many work days (I am self-employed, don’t want to put any details here now).

And then HOPEFULLY again a short visit for Christmas I think that would make my folks, especially my grandma, very happy.

NOW, into the e-mail discussion about how I will travel there (plane, train… looking for cheap fares) with my Mom, today I got an e-mail from her that my Granddad had to go to the hospital. Something rather serious.

Now I wrote my Mom back whether I should I come NOW`??? Already llooked for a flight for tomorrow, but evry expensive :-/. She wrote me back no I don’t have to come, it is looking better already, they must wait and see how it is tomorrow.

For many reasons, one of the biggest being the price of the fares right now, being MUCH higher, and just the way I had things planned out (about payments, etc) it would of course be much better - for me personally - if I could stick with my old plan and go the end of September.

I just now wonder if there is something sinful about not travelling right away if my grandfather is in the hospital… ??
I know, immediately thinking of sin already has the danger of leading into scrupulosity again maybe, and that energy could be used prayng for him :slight_smile:

Just would love to have some moral support here. Maybe somebody in a similar situation, living away from family or something… :slight_smile: I doubt that there are any actual rules, catholic-wise, on what exectly one has to do?
thank you…



That’s the great thing about loving thoughts and prayers. They can travel across the globe in an instant…all the way to God and your loved one.
Have a Mass said for your grandfather and entrust his care to our merciful Lord.
Pray also for the Doctors and nursing staff that care for him.


Thank you for your reply.

I thought masses were mostly said for people who have died?

I have never done this. I think I will pray for him personally (whoch may well also be during mass, I do hope that is allowed !); it is also very much a financial question to have a mass said; I hope I need not explain this. I think God hears my prayers like this too :).

I probably shouldn’t have posted this here, too intimate maybe, and answers may. :frowning: But oh well.


Well, many people do as for memorial Masses, but…Masses said for the LIVING are quite efficacious. Very good. A small donation is all you need. 5-10 dollars. It you are struggling, the parish will understand. My parish does not have a set amount. See the parish secretary. Offer your Holy Communion for his healing. God bless you!


Hi dear Pianist Claire, I am not in the US; and as far as I know here masses are paid for well in advance, I am not sure though. Never done this; just saw other people do it, after mass pay for masses. And they mention the names of deceased people then during the prayer above the Eucharist (please forgive me for not knowing how this prayer is called).

Plus I go to many different churches and often can’t say in advance where I will go to mass, depending on where I am at the time.

This would just cause stress to do, maybe also because of my past battles with scrupulosity and it gets me in this doubting about “do I have to or not…”. and I NEED TO stay away from that anxiety. (anything that causes thoughts like: I have to do this otherwise I am a bad person, I have to sacrifice this otherwise I am a bad person, if I cannot spend money on this then I am not allowed to buy anything for myself either, I need to do it exactly this way… " is bad for me. In my case, just really personally, and it may be very different for different people, I need to loosen up those thoughts. And pray as my heart tells me to pray.)

Plus yes it is a financial expense that I don’t feel seems right at this point.

Please do not make me feel like this is an obligation and like I have to feel like it is my fault if something happens and I didn’t do this.
I do know though that God isn’t like this.
And yes, I kow, you didn’t mean to cause me any stress or anxiety, probably for you and for some other people this would be a normal thing to do, for me it is one that for many different reasons causes unnecessary stress because I know God hears my prayers like this also.

Kind of confusing now that the discussion turned to this, this is really stressing me a bit now. :blush:
Need not let it stress me but I get the feeling now if I don’t do this, I am a bad person… but we do all have our different ways how we pray for people. I have often lit candles in chruch for people who are sick or have died, for example. Which is a sinmple thing, but for a while I had to stop doing it a bit because it became almost an complusion (for this, another one for that perosn, another one and still another one, and if I light one for her then I must another one for him…, and then it didn’t feel right anymore.)
Staying away from complusive faith thoughts now; I CAN trust my conscience if I don’t get into scrupulosity. I know I am not a bad person.

Anyway, I have good news about my grandfather this morning :).

While I walked somewhere early this morning I offered a rosary up for him, ok I admit my concentration wasn’t all that good, but I knwo God still smiles down on it. :slight_smile:


p.s. about the financial aspect. It may be, but I am not sure., converted to dollars about 10 dollars. May be 20 too, I am not sure. Anyway, this is not really a small amount for me; and as somebody who has often helped hungry people lately and really should also save for my trip 8and I HOPE it is ok that I afford myself at least little things as for example books to read for about 4 dollars), plus I have realized I may have to start eating healthier…

Ok this post is getting close to scrupulosity so I must stop.



Dear Pianist Claire, I just tried to edit this reply I had written, but it is too late.
I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive, there is not need for that.

I apologize to you, I know you only meant well.
May God bless you!!!


p.s.This only shows again that it is a bit difficult to ask for advice on forums for a very sensitive person as I am. :slight_smile: Better to ask somebody in person, whom I know and who knows me. :blush: But thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you for all your good thoughts!



No, it is not a sin if you do not change your plans and go home immediately because your grandfather is sick. Stay with your original plans if that is what you can afford and manage to do work-wise.

What sin do you think you would be committing?

And, no, it is not required that you have a Mass said, light a candle, or anything else like that. Your own prayers are certainly sufficient.


This post already has.
Not sure why you believe I am lecturing you, I was trying to explain the process to you.
Only trying to help…when you ask questions, people give you ideas. Take them or leave them.
Hope your grandfather is doing well.


As I said, I was trying to edit the post later, because I realized you only meant well and my defensiveness only came from what my mind had made out of it. :slight_smile:

That is also why I later apologized to you, and I mean it.

Fortunately I can say that this nervousness was very short-lived; I didn’t scruple over it any more, was able to stop fast :slight_smile: .

I did call my grandmother and talked to her for about a half hour from an internet shop, which was also an expense but it really did seem worth it. And I did light a candle in the church I went to for evening mass.

My grandfather seems stable, from which I hear; has talked and eaten :).



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