I’m about to give a very condensed summary of a very complex situation, so bear with me.
Right now, I’m caught in the middle of a 3-year battle I’ve been having with depression (with psychotic underpinnings). While I very much want to see the day when I recover and return to my formerly fruitful life, I’ve managed to develop a fear of happiness (or rather, excessive happiness) stemming from past experience, such that when excessively happy or comfortable, my morals and dedication to God go out the window, which is not only frustrating but also frightening because I’m fighting violent thoughts. I’m also afraid that in letting go of depression, I’ll lose something very important internally (although I’ve yet to figure out what it is). So I’ve been shooting myself in the foot (figuratively) whenever I feel a little happiness poking through, until I could somehow reconcile these things. Granted, the depression still is very real and very much there, but I suspect that I might be a little closer to recovery if I wasn’t doing this.
Then a few days ago it hit me. I should be giving my all towards recovery and trusting that God will take care of the happiness issues along the way, anything less is a sin of despair. So, at this point, I’m trying to stop attacking happiness, but at the same time, I’m making an effort to not seek any either so that I’m giving myself time to sort things out. However, this still seems like I’m not fully putting my trust in God.
What’s your take on this? What should I be doing?
Edit: Just to clarify, I am currently seeking professional help in the form of a counseling program.